I deserve to die.

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Anonymouse
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Joined: Wed Dec 06, 2017 1:35 pm

I deserve to die.

Postby Anonymouse » Wed Dec 06, 2017 2:15 pm

I deserve to die. And after reading this you will agree. I have done a lot of bad things in life but these two things make me a monster. I don’t get any sleep anymore because of it. The guilt eats me alive. The only reason I haven’t killed myself yet is because I’m a coward. The irony of it all is I’m a compassionate person. I can’t even believe the things I’ve done. I guess I’ll start with a backstory. I’ll try to make it short. But I know none of it justifies my actions.

I grew up with very strict, religious parents. They homeschooled me the majority of my life and I never fit in because I wasn’t allowed to do alot of things like other kids. I spent a lot of time isolated and crying because I was alone. Anyways I had a lot of resentment towards my parents and just my life in general. I hated myself.

Now here’s the bad part. The terrible things I’ve done. When I was around 13 or 14 I convinced my parents to let me get a puppy (a girl on our street was giving them away) but for some insane reason—it’s so hard to even type this—I abused the dog. I would lock him in the closet or drop him from high places. One day I just threw him to the ground. So hard he fell down the stairs and fell off. He ended up getting a small wound. I lied to my parents and said he fell by himself. We ended up having to give him away because my mom was allergic, but I didn’t resist, I knew it was a good thing. I didn’t deserve him. I was so unhappy that I actually abused a dog. I guess I felt that if my parents could ruin my life, I could ruin his. I’m a monster. The only thing worse than a murderer is someone who abuses. Thinking about it doesn’t even feel like me, it seems like some possessed person. But I deserve to die for this. And I will hurt myself everyday until kill myself.

As if that weren’t enough I’ve done another unspeakable thing. Remember how I said I didn’t get out very much? Well the only people I was around were basically my siblings. So all that teenage experimentation you usually do with your boyfriend in high school....I did...with my sister. Yep I’m officially guilty of incest. Someone just kill me already.

I’d never do these things again. I don’t think there’s a more regretful person on this planet besides me. But the thought of them makes me sick to my core. The fact I did this makes me wanna blow my brains out. I deserve to die. I need to die I need to die I need to die I need to die I need to die I need to die I need to die I need to di

j2415
Posts: 24
Joined: Thu Jun 01, 2017 8:37 am

Re: I deserve to die.

Postby j2415 » Fri Dec 08, 2017 9:37 am

Hi- welcome to the group. Thank you for sharing your story, it is truly humbling and it is an act of courage.

I’m so sorry for everything that happened to you. I want to encourage you to apologize for what you did and learn to forgive yourself too. You made a mistake but it does not make you a bad person and it will not dictate your future.

According to this article, http://bit.ly/2BOUc3P, the feeling of guilt can be a beacon to a better life. After you read this, I hope this can help you to experience forgiveness and freedom from all you are experiencing right now.

Please don’t harm yourself. If you think you need more help, please consider seeking help from a therapist. I hope you will feel better soon. I pray for peace and strength that you need every day. Please update us.

DiegoArgentina92
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Joined: Wed Aug 30, 2017 5:47 am
Location: Argentina, [email protected]
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Re: I deserve to die.

Postby DiegoArgentina92 » Fri Dec 08, 2017 11:29 am

Hi, its hard to coexist with the things you did, but, are things you did cause you was mentally perturbed, not cause you really wanted to do it, you was disturbed. The past is the past, now you can do other things, you deserve to do what you want, just live, this are things you have to let in the past.

Iammeanduareme
Posts: 11
Joined: Sat Sep 23, 2017 8:50 pm

Re: I deserve to die.

Postby Iammeanduareme » Sat Dec 09, 2017 3:05 am

Well so you were in high school, well that's pretty bizarre I'll admit but really if your sister still has any recollection, you must speak with her and talk about it with her "I know easier than done".... I'm sure things could've been much worse so just be glad your both alive and yeah you did do that but I agree you had strange thoughts in your head perhaps because you were going through your own stuff clouding your judgment but just be glad things didn't become way way worse

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JonsDragonEyes
Posts: 441
Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am

Re: I deserve to die.

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Sun Dec 10, 2017 1:00 am

I hope that you realize that you don't deserve to die. It looks like you have a lot of support here. Sometimes good people make bad mistakes but that doesn't mean that you have to suffer from them forever. If there is someone that you can talk with to help you with your issues please talk to them. Everyday that we are alive is a day we have the chance to start all over again and make things right again or better. I swear that's true.

Please don't call yourself a monster. A person who is truly a monster at heart could never be able to feel the guilt your feeling now.

Love and Hugs to you always ...
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

MichaelMann
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Dec 10, 2017 9:44 pm

Re: I deserve to die.

Postby MichaelMann » Sun Dec 10, 2017 11:13 pm

I am not aware of any state that sends people to the electric chair, for the things that you mention. Most states don't even have capital punishment for multiple axe murderers. I think it is fairly unlikely that you deserve to die.

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JonsDragonEyes
Posts: 441
Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am

Re: I deserve to die.

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Mon Dec 11, 2017 11:29 am

I hope your okay. Please come back on and let us know how you are doing.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa


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