I just hate myself sometimes

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Dec 02, 2017 11:26 am

I just hate myself sometimes

Postby AlexAly » Sat Dec 02, 2017 12:39 pm

Okay so this is my story.
My family is literally messed up. My mother cheated on my father and he tried to kill her /kill himself. Then they started harassing me. I moved to Italy with my mom because of my father thinking that everything will get better but it didn't. My mother became really violent. Bulimia and anorexia also kicked in. I used to cut myself as well. I felt alone and had a really hard time making friends but I managed to overcome my problems somehow, or at least I thought I did. Until my first boyfriend came in.
He messed me up. He also had lots of problems, similar to mines so I put aside my difficulties in order to help him. My mood swings were still there but I managed to control myself for 1 year. Then we broke up but stayed friends and kept on seeing eachother, a choice we made together. In the middle of the summer, while I was visiting my father he changed and it was really hard to pinpoint what was wrong.
When I came back my anxiety and depression kicked in once more : my father is ill and every time I leave the country I feel as if it's the last. I cried alot and started to think about cutting myself again even if I knew it was wrong. My mother became even worse and so the only one I had left was HIM. He started treating me bad and still we got back together. I told him everything about my problems from the start yet he went on with his bad behaviour. He kept on saying that he overcame his problems and that he is fine, that he grew up. I wanted to believe him but my intuition told me something was wrong. In the meanwhile the situation home got worse and worse. School and exams also enhanced the anxiety.
His "New friends" came in and he seemed more and more unwilling to see me. I would always talk to him but every time I tried to do so he just kept silent. My birthday came and he wanted to leave me just before the party. We fought because he would spend all nights until dawn with his friends and feel really tired and sick the day after. I got angry because I knew that his health was frail and that he should take better care of himself. After wanting to leave me he said that he doesn't know what to do and that he is sorry so I forgave him even if I was genuinely hurt. I stayed by his side and sacrificed lots of things when he had problems yet when I had a problem he wanted to leave. Things went on like this for a month. I was so stressed that I stopped eating and sleeping. I was a walking zombie and still he kept on mistreating me. We would FIGHT For hours and he would let me cry and do nothing about it. In the end I found out that every time he would complain with his friends about me, about the fact that I started cutting myself even if He ALSO DID IT. I know I was really difficult to deal with but all I wanted was somebody to stay by my side and the more distant he got the more frustrated I grew. In front of me he was the victim of his problems always blaming his family. When I wanted to end the realtionship he tried to commit suicide. So I decided to stay and justify his bad behaviour. In front of everybody else though, I WAS THE PROBLEM , and found about it only later , from his friends.
In the meanwhile my panick attacks grew really bad and the last time I tried calling him. I was afraid that I would cut myself and thought that talking to him would make me feel better. The only reply I got was "I can't talk " even if I told him what was happening. I tried talking to my mom but she said that I don't have to ruin her day once more.
He never found out about it. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to add more weight on his shoulders. It didn't matter anyways. With no reason and no explanation he blocked me everywhere and stopped going out when I did. His friends told me that he apparently doesn't give a shit about me anymore and that he was a coward after all. I was going through a really bad period, it's true , and I would cry often yet I was open to talking. I even asked him to tell me why he's so strange and well .. the truth instead of playing the silence game. It's always difficult when somebody leaves you but I could take that and I explicitly asked him to do so. My brain still works. What I couldn't accept was the cowardice, the talking behind my back, and the strength to just tell me the truth and let me go instead of always playing the victim. It was useless to blame his problems when he could just tell me that he simply doesn't care for me anymore.
The past month was like hell. I kept on wandering about what I did wrong the whole time and the fact that I have nobody to talk to makes me feel even more miserable. After one week of being gentle my mother also went back to her normal self. I realise that I should be happy about what I have and stop thinking about him and the rest of the problems but still I can't do it.
The truth is that somehow I still hate myself, especially for letting such a false and selfish person destroy what I have managed to build in 5 years. I hate myself for being so weak.
Everything I needed was a friend , somebody to care and talk to me. I wanted to be useful and also make somebody's day better yet it looks that everybody is happy and doesn't need me at all. I want to go back home instead of living in another country where I will always be a stranger. I miss having a family, a real one.
If the panick attacks and the depression hadn't kicked in this summer , everything would have been alright. Nobody wants a depressed friend
Nobody wants a burden

Posts: 37
Joined: Mon Dec 04, 2017 2:04 am

Re: I just hate myself sometimes

Postby CamGirl » Mon Dec 04, 2017 2:29 am

Nobody wants a depressed friend
Nobody wants a burden --- you are not a burden and everyone here can say that another depressed friend is welcomed with open arms. if you feel down and out, vent here.

Posts: 4
Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2017 9:48 am

Re: I just hate myself sometimes

Postby Strassette » Wed Dec 06, 2017 7:22 pm

I am sorry you have had a lot of difficult experiences throughout your life. It sounds like you have had to be a support to your family for a long time. That is not easy on a child.
BUT, I understand that you feel weak, but when I read your post, I saw a lot of strength in you! You have been through so much but have a sense of self awareness. Also, the person that you built in those five years is not gone. Remember the ways in which you were able to help yourself in that time and take it one day at a time. Breakups are hard. Allow yourself to grieve and grow through that... sometimes a therapist can be helpful in these kinds of times.
We all go through really hard times in which we need to rely on each other. As humans, we need each other. You are NOT a burden. Just as you need others during this difficult time, YOU HAVE GIFTS and STRENGTHS that need to be passed onto others (SO many people pretend like they have it all together, but are really hurting inside). You were created uniquely you and have experiences that can be helpful in encouraging others.
To say that you are a burden, that nobody wants a depressed friend- those are lies.
Hang in there, girl. You are more special than you realize! Keep going one day at a time.

Isaiah 40:28-31
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Posts: 11
Joined: Sat Sep 23, 2017 8:50 pm

Sorry we all need friends now and then to give us clarity

Postby Iammeanduareme » Fri Dec 15, 2017 12:00 am

Hey I'm sorry I'm a 21yrold gay guy but anyways I'm sorry I wished your story could have ended with a happy ending but unfortunately as I continued to read, it became clear how your relationship would go u know with your ex's horrible behavioral pattern... I'm sorry but how I see it is that its rare to find a couple truly in love with each other nowadays because most people don't want slice they want the whole pizza unfortunately and they want options or they want to keep living this way perhaps thinking they'll meet the diamond in the rough and ppl have the whole #Yolo mentality...your ex was an ahole, he was just using you for his own selfish agenda that piece of s**t. if its one thing I dislike and can agree with u is liars..he is a coward walking out just like that, I hope you fine someone that shares your core values and has only eyes for you.. Just ignore everyone that u know is out to play games, they're is a billion people out there and I'm hopeful u find just one for u

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