I think i'm 2 people!

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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mackemftm
Posts: 1
Joined: Thu Oct 19, 2017 4:52 pm

I think i'm 2 people!

Postby mackemftm » Thu Oct 19, 2017 5:27 pm

Hello,

I brand new to this forum. I've never really entertained the idea of sharing my inner daemons to people like this if im honest, but lately ive felt the need to talk, but no one really understands when i do try, My GPs default response is PILLS. So, in a desperate attempt to not feel alone I thought id pop something up on a forum.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 19. But I know i suffered from it way before then. Since then, ive been on an off depressants most of my life (currently 35). That was until about 4 years ago when, after changing onto yet another (Stronger) medication as previous ones never seemed to work, I had a really bad experience. I dont really remember alot, but for a few days i was a nasty abusive and almost violent person to my young family. Since then, i vowed id not go back on ADs.

However, going cold turkey has left me with a bit of an issue. When i have episodes of depression (linked to dramatic weight gain) i dont really know its happening until its happened. And once im there i realise im not the same person i was 3-4 months before that.

Luckily, the 2 mes are both nice people and I think thats why i haven't noticed it in such a way before now that i am 2 totally separate personalities. But the me i would associate as truly me is confident, focused, ambitious, energetic, happy go lucky, very aware of the bigger picture and very driven person. That me is often associated with weight loss and feeling and looking more like myself.
However, when i fall off the wagon (which i do in dramatic fashion every time) i find myself to be the total opposite of all the things above. I learned to create facade for work and made sure that any energy i had went into not letting work get effected by the 'other me' and when i had kids that focus was applied to them also so they didn't have to see the other me. Im very lucky the other me is not violent, though he does have much darker thoughts than id care to admit. But would never hurt anyone, not even himself. Not because he doesn't think about it, but because he would never put his kids though the experience of see their Dad like that. Hes has a good core so still sacrifices his own wants and needs for the good of the people he loves.

But recently the 2 mes have become more and more polar. The highs are very high but short lived and the lows are super low and getting longer each time. I had a 2 year deep dip and when i came out of it I lost 7 stone in 6 months and felt like the 'true' me.
Now, 4 months later and 3 stone heavier, i find myself looking in the mirror not recognising the person looking back. Not just because of the weight but because of the negative traits i see looking back at me. Im even finding periods of the day where i look back and realise that wasnt me doing or saying something. I catch myself at times and take back control, but i feel myself losing the battle.

I cant go back on the ADs as i know they either do nothing, or turn me in to a complete monster. Id rather suffer in private than let my daemons out on my family.

I know some bi-polar people and they are really extreme. Do i think im bipolar, no, but i am deffo not myself for very long periods.

Anyway, the positive me says I look forward to seeing what people think (hes the one writing this obviously), but the other me really doesn't think this will help in the slightest and is wondering why ive wasted the last 20 mins typing it out.

Cheers,

careyon
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Dec 21, 2016 12:12 pm

Re: I think i'm 2 people!

Postby careyon » Sun Oct 22, 2017 2:02 pm

Welcome to the forum!! Apparently you aren't so depressed that you can no longer consider the needs and feelings of others. That's worth mentioning right up front because it isn't always true in cases of this nature. Some people who suffer from depression withdraw so deeply into themselves that they really aren't capable of thinking about anyone else. They don't possess the kind of sensitivity that would allow them to think about how your mood may be affecting your family. You do, and that's a hopeful sign. I commend you on your caring concern for your family and also want to encourage you to follow it wherever it leads. The best way to reduce the risk of having a negative impact on your family and yourself is to address the situation in a positive, active way. Since you've determined meds are not for you, Are you talking with your family physician about your anxiety and depression? Have you engaged the services of a licensed counselor or psychiatrist? I would suggest this as it will give you an outlet for your thoughts and hopefully some help in managing your highs and lows. I would also strongly suggest prayer. I truly believe God is the ultimate healer. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I hope something I said will be helpful.


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