My Life So Far

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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augustcakes
Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Oct 13, 2017 8:11 pm

My Life So Far

Postby augustcakes » Fri Oct 13, 2017 8:49 pm

I'm only 14. I've got a lot more life to live. But so far, it has been enough to have me diagnosed with clinical depression and GAD.

My parents split up 4 times before they divorced when I was 8. Most of what I remember from them was arguing, screaming, my mom crying, my dad storming out. I was so little. I was also scared. My dad is extremely intimidating. He's manipulative, has very bad OCD that he refuses to treat. The kicker is, he works in a psychiatric hospital. I remember when I was 7, I asked my mom why they hadn't divorced yet. Shortly thereafter, was when they split up again, followed by their official divorce. But it only went downhill from there. My mom barely had graduated high school, and never went on to college, so she never had a good job. Her job at the time was a vendor, and she was so poor that she was going off of food stamps, and had to live with her mom a state away, in a small apartment. We were with her the majority of the time nonetheless, so she, myself and my sister were all squished in. At that point, all my anger at the situation resulting in my childhood kind of came out. My dad's house became a hell hole once they divorced, which contributed to my anger. He had girlfriends right after she left. They were coming in and out, sleeping over, which I didn't realize what that meant until too late. He was bitter, often bad mouthing my mom in horrible ways, lashing out at us, and his OCD took over. He got into my phone, reading ONLY what I texted my mom, criticizing it and making it so I feared texting her. He cursed us out for small things that bothered his OCD. The rules were insane- no lotion, no make up, no glitter, no painting, no going out into the backyard, no getting dirty, no cooking, no baking, no hands on the walls, he cleaned out the whole shower after we used it, the list went on and on. He cursed us out for leaving the shower a bit messy after using it, even throwing my sister across her room onto her bed. This was when I was still 8, she was only 10. My mom was extremely upset by this but couldn't afford to take action. Along with that, my dog started having seizures. My dad hated cleaning up after them, so he'd scold her after she had them. After she had a few in one night (no, he never took her to the vet), he took her back to the shelter and lied about the situation to seem innocent. But the medicine for her problem was so cheap, my MOM could afford it and soon took her back. All this happened so fast, my mom was a hot mess, and I couldn't take it. I started breaking down before school, after school, and it became serious. I'd scream, hit my mom, hit myself, throw things, sob. I only did it once at my father's, to which he held me down with force and kept saying how I had to be put in his hospital, how disappointed he was in me, how I wasn't his daughter. He said he wouldn't let go until I stopped crying. That made me not want to confide to him, or cry at his house again. Subconsciously, I made sure it never happened again. My mom hated this, for she had to deal with my serious breakdowns almost daily. She always asked why I didn't do them over there. I told her I was scared to, which she knew, but she always said I needed to stand up to him. It took me until last week to talk to him about it.

In the meantime, there's my half brother whom I consider my brother, Steven. See, he was born 3 months early and as a result has such severe disabilities that he can't walk, talk, comprehend anything, sit up, see, he eats through a tube, I mean you name it. The only thing he isn't is deaf. When my mom married my dad he'd come over every other weekend, but since my mom's back is messed up and we didn't have a ramp (Steven was 16 or 17 by that point, so he was heavy), my dad would have to carry him in the house and into his room. He hated this, and later said so while my mom was arguing with him. After they divorced, Steven lived with his father (because remember, he's my half brother) an hour away. But because of everything going on, we seldom saw him. My dad eventually took my mom to court because he wanted us for more time. Me and my sister, and my mom for a matter of fact, knew he just wanted more child support. But he claimed that we said we wanted to be with him more. Family Court is slow with non extreme cases, so the court date was a few months ahead. We argued viciously against it and my dad claimed that me and my sister's relationship with him was permanently damaged. Unfortunately, he has it in his head that we are the ones that have to make the relationship with him.

Fast forward through plenty of drama, my mom finds a man who later became our stepdad. He also never went to college. So he had 2 jobs on top of my mom's one job to help us get a house. My mom soon got a new job at Rite Aid. Her manager was a piece of work, her coworkers were almost all horrible and treated her poorly. But it paid better than her previous one by a little bit, so she stuck around. Soon thereafter though, along with already existent IBS problems and stress piling up, she got very sick. She eventually got diagnosed with a severe case of Ulcerative Colitis, which she later found was given to her by her mother. The medications she took and infusion she had for it had such bad side effects that she became depressed and practically immobile. On top of this, she had a pain in her side that even after going to a dozen or so specialists until we couldn't afford it anymore, remains undiagnosed to this day. Recently, we found out that Steven, on top of being how he is, inherited her disease. And literally a week and a half ago, she got kidney stones.

Personally, I'm a hot mess. I have almost no friends, which is not an exaggeration. I've gotten so used to my social situation being like that, that I see being social as a chore anymore. Do you blame me? It's almost natural now. I have good grades somehow still, but I don't enjoy anything anymore. I'm depressed, and feel extremely hollow. No emotion feels authentic, I just feel a deep, lingering sadness and anger, a frustration. My mind is so screwed up that I can't think straight anymore. I have irrational anxieties because of everything that has happened, and I'm constantly worried. I'm sleep deprived, and yet. I am a doormat to everyone. It's in my personality because of all my experiences to care about everyone. I don't want a single soul to feel how I do. I don't show my problems on the outside; I don't act "emo", I don't normally talk about anything personal. I don't want to come off as wanting attention. But I always give, give, give to everyone. I care, I give my love, my empathy. Then they go right on back to their lives, ignoring me. I would stop, I would just walk away or say "What gives you brats?" but I already have so little socially, I'm scared of burning bridges. When you have no peers to go to, it becomes extremely difficult to stand up for yourself because the worry always lingers that they'll hate you even more, and cause others to hate me. Because it's happened, and does happen. I've had the child kicked out of me, I'm extremely mature for my age but it works against me as of now. I feel like I'm 40 when I'm really 14.

Seldom do I have dark thoughts... never would I go through with them...

I just need someone my age to go to. Who if I'm in school and they know I'm down, will walk with me and hug me and LISTEN to me. Who will offer comfort and come home with me so we can watch a movie and eat popcorn. I envy all these girls at my school, because they constantly complain about every little thing that comes their way. I want that luxury. I want to have designer clothes and friends and have someone that will always rush to my side. I wouldn't take advantage of course. I'd do the same to them. But I need it to.

I remember one day I had a vicious argument with my mom regarding my dad and I was beyond stressed and upset. I walked into school and burst into tears. Not one of my friends did anything, said anything. I tried to stop but I couldn't. Everyone stared at me and glared at me. Put yourself in my shoes. Do you understand how horrible that feels? All these people who I thought were my friends just ignored me. But I didn't say anything. I didn't want to come off as selfish at the time. Now I know what I should've done, but it's too late.

The one person I feel comfortable going to is my mom. But she's suffering too. Maybe even more than me.
I currently have a psychiatrist, but she only stares at me and nods her head. No joke. I am on medications that don't help.

So here I am. I need someone, please.

Diary_of_dreams
Posts: 5
Joined: Sun Oct 29, 2017 4:47 pm

Re: My Life So Far

Postby Diary_of_dreams » Sun Oct 29, 2017 5:12 pm

Hi
Im not sure how to start so I'll just start with an apology, cause English is not my native languge so please ignore the mistakes..

First of all you really dont sound 14 and it saddens me so much.. You are going throug things that no person should, and ofcourse bot a 14 year old.. I am really lost.. Because i want to help you so much but Im just not sure how..i can tell you from my experience with friends ( im 27, almost 28).. I had sucky friends when I was your age.. They never cared.. I couldnt speak to none of them.. But maybe that is the ting that made it better today.. It teached me how to peak them I guess.. Its easier when you are older.. People are.. Smarter.. More sensetive maybe.. Just.. Try to find that one person whom you can trust. Never shut up.. Never hold it to yourself.. Weather you do what you did here or just that boy/girl at your school that is.. More mature maybe.. Just dont loise any hope.. If there is one thing I can assure you - is that you will find people who care. And never stop carring.. Its a beautiful thing and people do apreciate it even if they dont show it sometimes.. You have your whole life infront of you.. Keep the good grades, try consintrating on yourself.. Do things that make you feel good.. You have to be strong.. Its tough, I know.. But you have too.. For your mom, for your family.. And most important for yourself!

Im new here, im not sure how this site works.. But if you somehow want to talk, sometimes its easier with a person that you don't know.. I am more than happy to listen.. Maybe to give you some advice.. Or just to be the person that you can tell the things you cant tell to your friends or family..

Just please be strong and keep on going..


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