I feel like I'm dying and there is nothing left
Posted: Mon Oct 09, 2017 1:12 am
One of my favorite quotes of all time is "absorb what is useful, discard what is not, and add what is uniquely your own."
For a while this was all I believed in. It wasn't just a mix up of words. Or a sentence. It was a way of life. A purpose.
But now I don't even have a purpose. Every day I wake up and go to sleep with the same thought in my mind... I don't belong here.
I should start from the beginning. I live in a little suburban area in New Jersey. I honestly have hated it here ever since I was little. My parents were always busy and nothing was in walking distance. I had no friends except my neighbor who was like a big sister to me. She taught me how to behave, how to live, she basically taught me who I am.
Around the time I turned 12 I started to notice I never really had any friends. I decided it was time to try more video games. I became obsessed with role playing games, sports games, but one always stuck out. A game called Prototype. It was a hugely violent game but that wasn't why I played it. It reminded me of me. A man named Alex Mercer was infected with a virus and everyone became afraid of him. All he wanted to know was who he truly was. What hr truly was. Why he was here. And no one cared or helped. I felt exactly like him. I think that's when the depression started.
I started dating a girl in my second year of high school. She was the most kind, caring girl in the world. Every time she spoke I felt safe. And then she moved to Australia. We did long distance for a year and a half. Then one day she went on a vacation in Fiji and a superstorm hit. She passed away a week later from the injuries. And ever since Ive never been the same. I turned angry and nearly violent. I started smoking. I became horribly suicidal and self harmed multiple times a day. I still have scars everywhere. I was completely lost.
Eventually I tried dating again my final year of high school. But she didn't trust me. She was just as insecure and in the end it never would have worked. I became even more depressed. I went to the hospital and some psych wards. I went to a mental hospital 4 times for 2 weeks each time.
Now it's been a few years. And honestly Ive just stopped caring. About life. About death. About pain. About all of it. What's the point of living your life when you already feel dead inside? I have a job I'm barely holding. I barely get out of bed in the morning. I don't really have any friends. The ones I do have I never see anymore. Too much pain behind it. I can't even think about a relationship without thinking about Fiji. That phone call. All the nights I stayed up crying. All the times my knuckles bled from pounding my fist into the concrete floor in anger. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know why I should do anything anymore. I just don't belong here in this world. I don't belong with anyone. I don't have the right to be happy. And honestly I don't think I ever did. Im not going to end on a sweet note. Or ask for help. Or ask for a bunch of questions. Because I have tried these things many times. And I know no one is coming to help me anymore. And I just don't feel like I'm worth it.
For a while this was all I believed in. It wasn't just a mix up of words. Or a sentence. It was a way of life. A purpose.
But now I don't even have a purpose. Every day I wake up and go to sleep with the same thought in my mind... I don't belong here.
I should start from the beginning. I live in a little suburban area in New Jersey. I honestly have hated it here ever since I was little. My parents were always busy and nothing was in walking distance. I had no friends except my neighbor who was like a big sister to me. She taught me how to behave, how to live, she basically taught me who I am.
Around the time I turned 12 I started to notice I never really had any friends. I decided it was time to try more video games. I became obsessed with role playing games, sports games, but one always stuck out. A game called Prototype. It was a hugely violent game but that wasn't why I played it. It reminded me of me. A man named Alex Mercer was infected with a virus and everyone became afraid of him. All he wanted to know was who he truly was. What hr truly was. Why he was here. And no one cared or helped. I felt exactly like him. I think that's when the depression started.
I started dating a girl in my second year of high school. She was the most kind, caring girl in the world. Every time she spoke I felt safe. And then she moved to Australia. We did long distance for a year and a half. Then one day she went on a vacation in Fiji and a superstorm hit. She passed away a week later from the injuries. And ever since Ive never been the same. I turned angry and nearly violent. I started smoking. I became horribly suicidal and self harmed multiple times a day. I still have scars everywhere. I was completely lost.
Eventually I tried dating again my final year of high school. But she didn't trust me. She was just as insecure and in the end it never would have worked. I became even more depressed. I went to the hospital and some psych wards. I went to a mental hospital 4 times for 2 weeks each time.
Now it's been a few years. And honestly Ive just stopped caring. About life. About death. About pain. About all of it. What's the point of living your life when you already feel dead inside? I have a job I'm barely holding. I barely get out of bed in the morning. I don't really have any friends. The ones I do have I never see anymore. Too much pain behind it. I can't even think about a relationship without thinking about Fiji. That phone call. All the nights I stayed up crying. All the times my knuckles bled from pounding my fist into the concrete floor in anger. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know why I should do anything anymore. I just don't belong here in this world. I don't belong with anyone. I don't have the right to be happy. And honestly I don't think I ever did. Im not going to end on a sweet note. Or ask for help. Or ask for a bunch of questions. Because I have tried these things many times. And I know no one is coming to help me anymore. And I just don't feel like I'm worth it.