I feel like I'm dying and there is nothing left

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Rycon33
Posts: 3
Joined: Sat Oct 07, 2017 9:42 pm

I feel like I'm dying and there is nothing left

Postby Rycon33 » Mon Oct 09, 2017 1:12 am

One of my favorite quotes of all time is "absorb what is useful, discard what is not, and add what is uniquely your own."

For a while this was all I believed in. It wasn't just a mix up of words. Or a sentence. It was a way of life. A purpose.

But now I don't even have a purpose. Every day I wake up and go to sleep with the same thought in my mind... I don't belong here.

I should start from the beginning. I live in a little suburban area in New Jersey. I honestly have hated it here ever since I was little. My parents were always busy and nothing was in walking distance. I had no friends except my neighbor who was like a big sister to me. She taught me how to behave, how to live, she basically taught me who I am.

Around the time I turned 12 I started to notice I never really had any friends. I decided it was time to try more video games. I became obsessed with role playing games, sports games, but one always stuck out. A game called Prototype. It was a hugely violent game but that wasn't why I played it. It reminded me of me. A man named Alex Mercer was infected with a virus and everyone became afraid of him. All he wanted to know was who he truly was. What hr truly was. Why he was here. And no one cared or helped. I felt exactly like him. I think that's when the depression started.

I started dating a girl in my second year of high school. She was the most kind, caring girl in the world. Every time she spoke I felt safe. And then she moved to Australia. We did long distance for a year and a half. Then one day she went on a vacation in Fiji and a superstorm hit. She passed away a week later from the injuries. And ever since Ive never been the same. I turned angry and nearly violent. I started smoking. I became horribly suicidal and self harmed multiple times a day. I still have scars everywhere. I was completely lost.

Eventually I tried dating again my final year of high school. But she didn't trust me. She was just as insecure and in the end it never would have worked. I became even more depressed. I went to the hospital and some psych wards. I went to a mental hospital 4 times for 2 weeks each time.

Now it's been a few years. And honestly Ive just stopped caring. About life. About death. About pain. About all of it. What's the point of living your life when you already feel dead inside? I have a job I'm barely holding. I barely get out of bed in the morning. I don't really have any friends. The ones I do have I never see anymore. Too much pain behind it. I can't even think about a relationship without thinking about Fiji. That phone call. All the nights I stayed up crying. All the times my knuckles bled from pounding my fist into the concrete floor in anger. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know why I should do anything anymore. I just don't belong here in this world. I don't belong with anyone. I don't have the right to be happy. And honestly I don't think I ever did. Im not going to end on a sweet note. Or ask for help. Or ask for a bunch of questions. Because I have tried these things many times. And I know no one is coming to help me anymore. And I just don't feel like I'm worth it.

blessedby4
Posts: 9
Joined: Mon Jul 31, 2017 7:00 pm

Re: I feel like I'm dying and there is nothing left

Postby blessedby4 » Tue Oct 10, 2017 8:47 pm

When I dwell on my unpleasant, hurtful, painful thoughts, they only get more intense. They get more intense, and I have more of them. You have to intentionally put your mind other places. Someone once wrote: Don’t make a permanent decision from your temporary emotion.” I don’t know if you have a faith system, but I have learned when those painful thoughts come my way, I do what it says in this verse: “Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” When i do that, in a matter of moments though awful thoughts vanish in moments. And then I am able to live another day, another hour, or even another minute.
Does my hurt return, on yea- many times those feeling and thoughts come back with a vengence - I do not act upon. Remember, just because you have a particular thought does not mean you have to act on that thought.
Charles Dickens once wrote No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another. When I focus on my own struggles, they seem only to become exacerbated. Have you tried taking your mind off of your difficulties by making an intentional effort to help others in some way. Sometimes doing for others may cause us to look upon our troubles with a different perspective. Dickens may have been onto something, when he said helping others can cause our own difficulties to lighten. I once read, Don’t grow weary of doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we don’t give up.
Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all the darkness- that was said by Desmond Tutu of South Africa. Within the hopelessness that you are going through, there is hope. Maybe you looked everywhere for answers and have not found any, in my own state of confusion, and desperation- I felt useless- until I looked up. When I realized how much God loved me, and the hope there is there, in spite of how I felt about myself, I began to change. The actor Christopher Reeve, said Once you choose hope, Anything is possible. Choose Hope! Someone once wrote that God's phone number appears in the Bible, well it is actually a verse that says: "Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know." Is there someone in your life that you can confide in? Sharing with others helps take the edge off. You may want to check out Article #1 in this listy. http://bit.ly/2mFxWoz

Nikilia
Posts: 5
Joined: Thu Oct 12, 2017 1:37 pm

Re: I feel like I'm dying and there is nothing left

Postby Nikilia » Thu Oct 12, 2017 2:05 pm

Hi. I've played Prototype 2 and although the lead is a different character, I know the kind of personality Alex Mercer was portrayed as. Not having friends is hard. You mentioned playing games. Do you have any other interests? Perhaps you can start by finding forums on things that interest you...such as gaming (GOG has a very friendly and welcoming forum). If you find you become confident enough, perhaps try join a group or club? I know this is easier said than done which is why I recommended starting with online forums or even chat rooms. Having routine that you're stuck in can drag people down; "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results". Maybe try do something simple to change your routine, go for a short walk when you normally wouldn't, watch something new ...try a different forum. Hope this helps and take care.


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