Boxed within myself

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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DarknessPrevails
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Sep 30, 2017 1:18 am

Boxed within myself

Postby DarknessPrevails » Sat Sep 30, 2017 1:35 am

Hi everyone..... I’m new here. This is honestly something I NEVER imagined myself doing, but I’m at a point now in my life where I don’t know what to do anymore.
I battle with undiagnosed anger issues. I am depressed, suicidal, and I do self-harm.
Honestly I have never met anyone or talked to anyone that has problems similar to mine. I’ve told my mother once, and she then “mocked” me later about it which made me just self-harm more (although I never told her I self harm - only that I had suicidal thoughts/depression).
Seeing these forums actually helped me a little bit tonight, because all of you are battling too and I don’t feel like I’m rowing a boat by myself anymore.
My father died many years ago, and to be completely honest, it’s only gotten worse for me. I can’t think about him without crying.
I’m a VERY closed in person. When I was in highschool, I had barely any friends. I always thought I had some type of social anixety/phobia. Eventually I transferred out early and went to an alternative school & graduated 2 years early. I couldn’t handle the social environment, I felt so alone all the time. I would skip lunch and go to the bathrooms and wait for the bell.
Now, I’m dealing with really bad anger issues/mood swings. My anger has increased drastically in a short 1 1/2 year span.
At this point I don’t know what to do. My mother and I argue a LOT. We are almost always arguing. She’s constantly accusing me of being a sinister person, etc. The ironic part is - we are really “close”, (as in we’re all each other has).
Our relationship is becoming worse every day. This past year I have became extremely closed & I now live boxed with depression (amongst other things). There are plenty of days where I hardly see the sunlight.
I run my own business so I have to hide how I feel with everyone. From my siblings, to my mother, and clientele.
I almost attempted suicide last week. My mother & I had another fight & it was just really enough for me. The only thing keeping me going right now is my belief in my religion, & the fact that suicide means definite hell because if I kill myself I can’t ask for forgiveness (I’m a Christian - sorry if that offends anyone, I’m not sure how forumns work exactly) - so because of my religion, I have not attempted & I just stick to self harm.

nightingale77
Posts: 28
Joined: Thu Aug 10, 2017 2:48 am

Re: Boxed within myself

Postby nightingale77 » Tue Oct 03, 2017 3:39 am

Hi there, sorry to know that you are going through so much at this moment and it seem to dark and stormy within you. Sometimes when a close relationship breaks down, in your case, your mother and yourself, it can really take a lot out of a person. I’m a Christian too and I had gone through dark days before. Like you, I have also contemplated suicide. But I was so ridden with guilt that I thought I was too ashamed to even die. God looks at the heart of His people. He knows your plan before you even planned it. Romans 8:26-28 (MSG) says “God’s spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans, He knows us far better than we know ourselves... and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every details in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. Whatever you are going through right now, God is working on it to make you better so that all these works may glorify His name and His love for us.

You are very loved by God. I hope this brings you comfort today and may you live loved. Take care and I’m keeping you in my prayer. God bless.


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