Dead inside

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Completely Lost
Posts: 4
Joined: Sun Sep 17, 2017 9:04 pm

Dead inside

Postby Completely Lost » Sun Sep 17, 2017 10:25 pm

I have had this feeling that I think is depression for a long time. I have never seen a therapist and I don't want to self diagnose. I just have been in a never ending slump and my moods range from being melancholy to flat out planning my death. I quit every hobby or interest I have had. I got good at boxing and wanted to be in the Olympics one day and I just quit. I never said goodbye to any of the coaches or anything. I loved playing video games and working out and I don't find joy in either anymore. Instead of going to college I decided to go join the military. Most reasons for my enlistment are pretty selfish. If I die in the military my family and friends wouldn't hurt as much if I just killed myself, and I would at least be useful in some way. I joined up as a special forces candidate, not with the hopes to actually make it. I was hoping that If I hang around those types of people... that there never giving up attitude would rub off on me. It hasn't worked so far. I just constantly get reminded that I am a piece of shit that doesn't belong here. If I fail at any portion of training, they will make me needs of the army and I will get a shitty job and hate my life even more. I wouldn't care about that if I could just get my fire back. If i could fail knowing that I didn't quit .I have put up with so much bs in my life. My father and mother are drug addicts ..my family and school life were awful. My life sucked whatever there are times when i should be happy and i just never am I dont remember the last time i was.

TL;DR:I am sad and want to die. If possible, I want to become the person I used to be. I want to be able to get hit in the face by life...and just give a smile back.

littlestarsmum
Posts: 101
Joined: Tue May 16, 2017 11:36 pm

Re: Dead inside

Postby littlestarsmum » Mon Sep 18, 2017 1:11 am

I’m sorry to hear about your struggles. My heart goes out to you. Life can be stressful, and intense feelings can be nearly overwhelming at times. Please know that you’re precious and you don’t need to carry your burdens alone. Putting an end to your life will never solve your problems. Such a decision would be tragic beyond words. I’d suggest that you talk to a therapist/counselor. I just said a prayer for you, and I hope that God will provide the comfort and help you need at this time. Remember that you deserve to feel better. You can always come here to share and we’re all here to support you. Sending prayers and wishing you well!

Spleefy
Posts: 240
Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2017 6:54 am

Re: Dead inside

Postby Spleefy » Tue Sep 19, 2017 6:57 am

Hi completely lost,

I cannot say whether or not you have major depression, but what you just described has many of the key characteristics of depression.

Perhaps talking to a therapist will help you to figure out what is troubling you. A therapist may also be able to help you find effective ways to cope. Also, going to the doctor may not be a bad idea to rule out anything physical that is causing or contributing to the way you are feeling.

Your enlistment in the military reminded me of what my dad once told me when I confided to him that I was suicidal. I’m not sure if it would be appropriate to repeat what he said to me here, but, essentially, it was in regards to joining the army if I was resolute on killing myself.

But suicide must NOT be an option. I believe that we were all born for a reason and therefore the ONLY option is to live our life the best we can.

You were born because you have something to contribute. You were born because you were the strongest and the fastest and hence you were created. You were born because you are a survivor. You were born because you were meant to be born. You were born because you are meant to live your life, not take it.

You will become the person you once were and find joy in the activities you once enjoyed. We just need to find a way to get some of that spark back into your life…

just a little spark to ignite a fire and that fire will become a burning passion to be the person you want to be and live the life you want to live.

There are times when I feel like I’m just walking through an endless maze of dark corridors and there is no light. But I remind myself that I will see light...

I just need to keep going through a few more dark corridors to get there.

You said the military has not had the influence on your life that you were hoping for. That’s OK. What works for one person may not work for another. You just need to find what will work for you. The main thing is that you are making an effort and trying. As long as you keep trying, you will find what works for you...

Just keep walking through the dark corridors and it'll show up when you least expect it.

When I feel like giving up or if I feel like things can't possibily get any better, I think of what this man, Nick Vujicic, who was born without arms or legs, said:

There are some times in life where you fall down and you feel like you don’t have the strength to get back up… because I tell you, I’m down here, face down, and I have no arms or legs. It should be impossible for me to get back up. But it’s not. You see, I will try 100 times to get up. And if I fail 100 times — if I fail and I give up, do you think I am ever going to get up? No. But if I fail and I try again? And again and again? For as long as I try there is always that chance of me getting up”.

And another quote I think about is when Lance Armstrong said:

Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever”.

Keep trying. I know you feel dead inside, but you WILL find joy in your life again. As long as you keep trying there is always that possibility.

Spleefy

ayoung73
Posts: 8
Joined: Wed Jul 19, 2017 5:56 pm

Re: Dead inside

Postby ayoung73 » Tue Sep 19, 2017 1:05 pm

You’re a fighter, you’re still here despite all of the disadvantages, you should be proud of that! My father was an abusive alcoholic, I found him one day in a pool of his own urine and vomit after he OD’d on cocaine…he apparently wanted to branch out, alcoholism wasn’t ruining our family enough! Anger issues, bad grades, horrible habits, shoplifting, criminal mischief, vandalism, suspended from school, fights, cursing…the whole gamut. I didn’t have any college, interest in anything either, if it weren’t for a good friends father I probably would have killed myself a long time ago. That was my advantage, yours is the military itself, they have great programs to help out with this very same thing, it sounds like classic depression and it is possible to get back to the person you once enjoyed and liked. But there’s work involved and you can’t just complain about it, put in the work, every day, it sounds like you have a lot to offer this world and it’d be a shame to see you throw it all away. Forget your past, you started out poorly but that doesn’t define you, you’re the only person holding you back…if you’re religious, start there, if you’re curious about religion, start there, but don’t skip out on the therapist…don’t give up!

Orchaid Lover
Posts: 30
Joined: Tue Jan 10, 2017 12:47 am

Re: Dead inside

Postby Orchaid Lover » Fri Sep 22, 2017 11:32 am

Here's the truth: you'll never be that person again. Even if you over come your depression you'll be a different person because you know what it's like to struggle to just get up in the morning. I like to think that once we do get to the other side and kick depression's butt that we're stronger people than we are before. And for the record, you aren't a piece of crap ( I don't curse even in writing ). Don't listen to those guys. Everyone has worth. And the fact that you're not willing to just up and quit proves that.

Jayni
Posts: 9
Joined: Sat Sep 23, 2017 9:47 am

Re: Dead inside

Postby Jayni » Sat Sep 23, 2017 1:49 pm

So sorry you feel this way. You're normal, you're human, you're alive. Depressed is depressed, formal diagnosis or not. Please find people you can talk to. The military has assistance or find a church near you or support group. Seeing a therapist could really help and maybe meds could help, too. Whatever you do, don't give up, don't accept this as final. You do have some power over your life and even over your feelings. There are bad days but they come and then they go. I've seen it in my own life. I'm older now and things look different though that's not to say I'm on top of everything. I just want you to know that people are pulling for you. You have a life to live, a purpose. Praying for you...

Completely Lost
Posts: 4
Joined: Sun Sep 17, 2017 9:04 pm

Re: Dead inside

Postby Completely Lost » Sun Sep 24, 2017 6:43 pm

Thank you all...


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