I don't know what to do

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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JasonTandro
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Aug 16, 2017 3:00 pm

I don't know what to do

Postby JasonTandro » Wed Aug 16, 2017 3:33 pm

As with many people who come on here I know that I have a problem but am not sure what to do. I'm not sure where to start and I feel pretty stupid about the whole thing but I know that doing nothing will not work. I am not good at being concise when I wallow and being an amateur writer I tend to wax poetic which I don't think would be very productive at this point. I am going to try and keep this somewhat clinical to avoid inundating you with a wall of text. Forgive me if this sounds very detached but I have two very distinct sides to me - logic and emotion and I feel like the emotional side of me is what always gets me into trouble so looking at things logically (when I can) tends to help me better.

My name is Micah but I've always used my net handle Jason Tandro since I was in high school. You can refer to me as either Micah, Jason or JT, they're all the same guy. (Jason Tandro is just the name of a character in a book I was writing if you're curious and it just kind of stuck).

My Background

Trigger Warnings for just about everything, if you are sensitive to issues of abuse or rape please don't read. I just need to get this out.

- Between the ages of around 6 and 7 I was repeatedly raped by my older brother who was a teenager at the time.
- I grew up in a family with a father who was very abusive though he got better as he went on - he had physically assaulted me at many times (beyond just ordinary spankings) and my mother occasionally slapped me around too though not as frequently and she was dealing with her own stressers.
- My father had also before I was around (I was the second youngest in a family of five children) sexually assaulted my oldest brother (not the one who raped me) and my older sister.
- Before I knew about the above, we were repeatedly visited by the DSS and I grew up with a negative view of both them and mental health professionals in general because I didn't understand why these people were talking about possibly taking me away from my family. (They never did).
- I grew up Mormon and only recently left. I mention this because I feel that the church may have led my parents to basically advise that I don't mention my brother raping me or what my father did to anybody else. I would remember hearing the phrase "you can't unring a bell."
- On top of that, I grew up and from a rather young age was a sexual deviant (I am into BDSM and have always been dom - yes I know the environment I grew up in very likely sparked that) and my father would always try to shame me with it and never allowed me any privacy, this was also part of the faith. Abberant sexuality was to be crushed.

Where I Am Now

- I work full time and have ever since I was in high school. I have some college education but never finished my degree (worst mistake of my life.)
- I am married to a woman who fully embraces my abberant sexuality and we have a very happy relationship. We also have a three year old girl.

Why Am I Here

- I am constantly going between being violently angry over the stupidest things (or sometimes things that I think might happen) or being horribly depressed. I mean obviously I have neutral days where I'm happy or distracted and not thinking but those torrential shifts are going to get worse I feel.
- What finally made me come here was a hell week of my own design where I basically let a bunch of little things get under my skin and exploded in a wonderfully childish display of petty attacks against my former friends, alienating people due to some severely dark homicidal ideation in relation to the terror attacks in Charlottesville (I live very close to there) and a number of other stressers including finding out that my insurance is basically worthless and I am unable to take care of a hernia and epiditymitis that I have.
- I keep hurting people because I am unable to control myself and everytime I think I might have things under control something like this happens. I never have physically lashed out but I have said far too many unforgivable things to too many people. I haven't done this to my wife or daughter and I kept rationalizing myself as having a line I wouldn't cross but the question is when I am going to stop thinking and cross even that line.
- This week has resulted in me for only the second time in my life actually contemplating suicide. I know it's not a solution and I don't believe I am in any danger of actually doing it but the fact that I was even considering it was a nasty wake up call. If I could afford it I would be in in-patient care right now but unfortunately we can't realistically afford to have me out of work.

What Else You Should Know

- I mentioned that I tend to be either completely logical or wildly emotional and there is a pretty jarring distinction between the two which can come off as alarming to some of my friends.
- Product of my background most likely but I have a very dark sense of humor (I have been known to make jokes about my own rape). To an extent I feel like this might be my way of "coping" but I can't imagine it's healthy.
- I eventually "Get there" when my logical side takes over and I realize that 99% of my problems are of my own design. There is nobody out to get me except my own stupidity and anger. The problem is the logical side takes over and I feel better and feel like I've grown but I feel like I wind up making "false progress". My motto is "progress is being made if each mistake you make is a new one" and by that credo I am not making progress.

What I Want To Achieve

- This is just a forum so I really don't know what to expect. I definitely need to take it to the next step of getting official care, but I can't afford it right now and I feel like if I don't get this out somehow I might wind up doing something (else) stupid.
- I am hoping that people here can maybe give me a little hope about what course of actions I can take and what to do next. Logically I know it's going to get better and I'll be better for the experience when I get through it but right now I am terrified of the process and myself.

I'm sorry I meant that to be more concise than it was but I just started writing and couldn't stop. My life is an open book , and I will answer any questions you might have.

Thanks for taking the time to read all this. Like I said I know it sounds very disinterested and emotionless but I felt that would be the better way to present this to you - my desire for help and to fix myself is absolutely sincere.

hope_sam
Posts: 3
Joined: Sun Aug 20, 2017 10:38 pm

Re: I don't know what to do

Postby hope_sam » Sun Aug 20, 2017 10:41 pm

I think the following bracelet is extremely helpful for people struggling with mental health issues: http://lembre.launchrock.com/. This bracelet constantly reminds me of what matters most in my life. Every thirty minutes, it buzzes slightly, and a picture I added to the bracelet pops up. I added pictures of my family, inspiration quotes, and pictures of my career goals and dream vacations. This bracelet definitely helps me keep site of the bigger picture and not get caught up in the small things...New version coming out soon...


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