What's a girl gotta do to be taken seriously?

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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someofusarebrave
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Aug 02, 2017 3:03 am

What's a girl gotta do to be taken seriously?

Postby someofusarebrave » Wed Aug 02, 2017 3:21 am

I got a lot of things I wanted this year. I graduated college, finally, with my Bachelor's from a good four-year liberal arts school. I got into a Master's program in Creative Writing. I started eating again, after years of an eating disorder wreaking havoc with my life. I worked two jobs and did several internships in addition to school, all successfully. I even lost 30 pounds.
I worked my rear off, and I did great.
Yet somehow this summer, the depression came back. I think I was triggered by living with this perfectly nice family and seeing them interact with one another. They were "normies"--people who didn't grow up with sexual abuse and verbal abuse and emotional abuse rampant. The kids liked each other, the parents were kind and spoke glowingly of their daughters.
Contrast--my mother showed me a picture of my sister to show me how much weight my sister had gained. When I told my mother I'd been carrying around a bottle of pills "just in case," she kind of blinked then changed the subject.
Did I mention my mother was a psychologist?
It's easy to say that things will get better, that I'll come out of this. Truth is though that my role in the family is to play overachiever in the background to my sister's foreground, who is either intellectually and emotionally disabled or else just a scary rage monster with no sense of fairness or willingness to negotiate on any issue ever. My dad molested me and my mom won't believe me, and she never will. I completely fell apart after she tried to convince me I only thought my dad abused me because of some kind of psychotic break [that no objective mental health professional agreed had actually happened].
What I'm trying to say is, my life is genuinely, objectively impossible. No matter what I do or how much I succeed, it's never going to change the dynamics of my family. I tried going to family therapy with my mom a few years ago, and literally she could not handle the shrink telling her to be a mom and just take care of me for a few minutes. My mom had no idea what the shrink was talking about, no idea what being "supermom" [or even just a mom at all] and putting aside her own emotional needs on behalf of mine meant. Even for ten minutes.
It's like there are these major cracks in my foundation. The mother I didn't get and the fathering and protection I never received and the fear just being in their house, it's all just been creeping up on me like this wave. I can run from it or try to dodge it and maybe that works for a short while, but it's always there waiting.
I've spent most of my adult life pretending I'm okay and trying to avoid being put on meds or put in a psych hospital or otherwise treated against my will. This past week though, since I got back in my parents' house, there's a part of me that just wants to curl up under a blanket and face the wall and never get up again. I just can't imagine actually doing anything productive, or even wanting to--probably because the idea of it triggers all this resentment and rage in me. I keep succeeding at stuff and my parents can keep telling themselves that they did a totally fine job of raising me, and they can think somehow my sister and I are just two equal adults who don't get along instead of recognizing she's a huge bully [literally, she once told me the world and especially my parents would be better off if I'd died at a treatment center in Texas], they can keep on laughing at basically any expression of emotion I ever make. They can keep pretending they're doing a good job of being my family but the truth is I haven't had a family in a long time, maybe ever.
And I don't know how to deal with that.

JkBrauer
Posts: 11
Joined: Tue Mar 07, 2017 1:27 pm

Re: What's a girl gotta do to be taken seriously?

Postby JkBrauer » Wed Aug 02, 2017 9:46 am

Congratulations on a hard job being well done! Going to college and then graduating and getting your degree, well done!
I hope you will be able to go out now and get the job of your dreams. I grew up with similar circumstances in my family too. Over many years I learned one lesson that really changed my outlook on my family and the rest of my life;
My family is not going to change, no matter how hard I try to change them or how hard I try to impress them and try to make them proud. The only thing I can do is to change myself. I had a sister who bullied me too, I had parents who did not believe me in certain circumstances. I felt alone and abandoned, no one seemed to understand or care. I had many days and nights of crying. Sometimes I even would cry myself to sleep at night. Crying is good, it is a type of healing. I had to learn how to change my attitude towards my family. I had to find a encouraging and supportive network of people/ friends to help me. I went to my church family who came beside me, they advised me, they encouraged me, they prayed and helped me through tough times. I also had my college friends who I spent time around. We went out and did fun activities together, we went to church together... Between the church and my friends they supported and encouraged me, this gave me the courage to step up and out into strengthen my walk in life. I made my life my own. I let my parents talk, I let my sister tease/ bully. But, ultimately it always came down to it is my choice how to respond. I chose to listen and respond to the encouragement and support of those who truly cared for me and helped me my times of triumph. I still respected my parents and let them talk, but I choose to make up my own mind of what is actually the best for me. I will pray for you and hope you will learn that your family can talk, but it is you who who will make up your own mind of how you live your life. They can try to control you, but it is all in how you choose to let them affect how you think.
I hope you do not mind me making a suggestion. Why don't you keep in contact with that family you were living with while you were going to school? Let them be an encouragement and support for you. Become an over comer! You can do this!

HollyDaisy
Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Aug 04, 2017 1:23 pm

Re: What's a girl gotta do to be taken seriously?

Postby HollyDaisy » Fri Aug 04, 2017 1:32 pm

I want to start off by telling you how brave you are!! I know what you are feeling is real and I am so sorry you have had to go through this. I don't know if you are a believer but please know that God sees you and is with you! I know it might seem like He is not or like you are all alone but I promise He sees you! He just sadly can't force people (your family) to be good people. He gave us all a gift of free will and unfortunately, the sin in us causes bad decisions. What He can and will do if you allow Him in is to help with healing and love. He can give you the strength each day to get out of that bed and face the world because you know who you are in Him! You are precious, you are beautiful, you are smart, you are worth of SO MUCH LOVE! The world might not give us that but He does!!! I'm praying for you and I'm here for you if you need to talk! Please don't give up!!! You are too smart and way too precious to give up!!! Your heart is beautiful and you have the capacity inside of you to make the world a better place! Don't let the evil in your family keep you from going out there and giving others love, perhaps others who are hurting the way you are and who need somebody like you as a friend or a mentor! Praying for you!

Imnothere
Posts: 26
Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2017 9:58 am

Re: What's a girl gotta do to be taken seriously?

Postby Imnothere » Sat Sep 09, 2017 1:35 pm

Hi. I know this was posted more than a month ago, but still I'd like to put in my 2 cents.
First of all things, kudos to you for working so hard to achieve all the good things you deserve.

As for the family part... let me speak from a bit of experience. Family hurts more than anything. More than an unfaithful lover, more than a backstabbing "friend," more than the worst bully at school. My parents were abusive, and my father estranged me after I stood up against him, while my mother never admitted we had (still have) problems.

My therapist once said, "What hurts you most is not their abuse, but that you still expect them to love you." In retrospect I think she was totally right about that. I mean, I've tried my best not to care, I tried to give up and accept the fact that we're just not a "normal" family where members love and care for each other. I started my own family and barely contact them. Still, sometimes I find myself losing it because someone or something reminds me of how they treated me.

That said, it helped when I physically distanced myself from them. There were some years they couldn't reach me-- I moved far away, changed phone numbers, and blocked/unfriended any family friend or relative who would message me on their behalf. Of course they weren't quite happy about it, but I figured if someone is bound to be unhappy, it might as well be their turn. I guess I simply had enough when I decided to run. Enough time and space somewhat remedied the pain they had inflicted on me, even though it doesn't look like the wound will ever heal, at least I managed to pull myself together so I could build my life from scratch.

If it is possible to get over family, it's never easy. It's a long road, and many times you'll feel so alone because many won't be able to understand why you don't visit your parents for Christmas. Many times you wake up in the middle of the night, sweating, maybe even sobbing. You asked, "What's a girl gotta do to be taken seriously?" In fact, even if you won a Nobel Prize or got a job at NASA, those who don't care will still not bat an eye. Bullies will be bullies. We have no control over how people will view us. I guess we will just try to do what make ourselves feel good. And believe me when I said you definitely deserve the good things life has to offer, even if they don't come from your family.

Wish you good health and peaceful mind.

DiegoArgentina92
Posts: 62
Joined: Wed Aug 30, 2017 5:47 am
Location: Argentina

Re: What's a girl gotta do to be taken seriously?

Postby DiegoArgentina92 » Sat Sep 09, 2017 2:28 pm

I know can sound bit hard, but... seems you have to takde distance from your family.

I mean, you cant pretend full the expectatives of they,, you have to be independent, if they are not ok with something about you, you need to be able to look at them and think "so ? deal with that". If you are independent thats it, whatever you make or not make runs for your own self, and if another one doesnt like it, you can just watch them from the distance.

I kinda missed some of your story (long text), gonna read it again, but i think this is what you are needing, take distance from they.

Good luck with all, think just in you.


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