Been feeling low since falling for my best friend

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Shyboy20
Posts: 1
Joined: Tue Jun 06, 2017 4:25 pm

Been feeling low since falling for my best friend

Postby Shyboy20 » Thu Jun 15, 2017 10:58 pm

Ok this is gonna be a long story (you don't have to read if you don't want to)
As suggested by my name I've always kinda been a shy boy, not socially but I suffer from sexual anxiety, I'm 20 years old and still haven't had sex yet.

Now last summer I started to like my best friend who I had been best friends with for just over a year at that point. For the first time ever I didn't really feel shy with a girl and felt very connected to her personally and sexually. I was flirty with her and gave her a massive hint last summer that I liked her but she gave a hint that we're just friends and doesn't like me back.

I was ok with this until September last year when I realised I really liked or even possibly loved her. Unfortunately I had just started going to the same uni as her. I never would have gone to the same uni if I knew I would like her so much as soon as I started. Since this time I have been overwhelmed with all sorts of emotions which I'm beginning to find unbearable.

In September last year she became friends with benefits with my uni friend (who didn't know I liked her) and a few months later (December) became friends with benefits with my best guy friend. My best guy friend knew I liked her but a month before he started doing things with her sexually (November) I told him I was over her. However, at that time I was trying to make myself believe I was over her when really I wasn't

On Christmas Eve last year we all had a gathering at a pub which I left early because I was feeling so low. About a day later my best friend messaged me saying she had made out with my best guy friend and wasn't sure if she liked him or not. He called me a week later telling me that they made out and asked if I was ok with it, saying that he wouldn't go any further if I wasn't. Even though I didn't feel great about it, I lied. I lied because I saw there was a sexual attraction between the two of them and didn't want to make things between all of us awkward and tense. I also lied because a few years ago my guy best friend got with a girl who another friend of ours liked and things haven't quite been the same between them since, it has been quite awkward and I thought the same thing would happen with me. I felt that if I was honest to him about liking her he still would have got with her and that would jeopardise the friendship I have with both of them which is not what I wanted to do because we're all very close.

None of them now how depressed and envious this was making me feel. I obviously couldn't speak to them about it because they were part of the problem, but none of this is their fault, it's all me and my stupid feelings. I only told one other friend of mine that I liked my best friend but haven't told them how horrible it's made me feel.

Another thing that's made me feel so low is that as soon as I hit 20 in February I asked myself how I have progressed as a person and realised I'm still the same old shy boy I've always been.

Sometimes I feel that things are getting better and that I am beginning to feel more accepting of the situation. However, other times I feel like the love for my best friend is still there or will resurface. These bad times have caused me to have a lot of breakdowns this year. Last week I had such a bad breakdown I started punching my head really hard and held a pair of scissors to my neck before throwing it across the floor. If this is how I'm gonna feel then one day I'll have to tell my girl and guy best friend I can't be their friend anymore which they'll probably find so shocking and awkward but if it's something I have to do then I'll do it because this is unbearable. I've been acting normal around them all this time but inside this is killing me. This is all making me feel like some super crazy person. Sometimes I just want to jump off a bridge to escape this situation even though I won't actually go and jump off a bridge

They're staying over at my house right now and are cuddled together in the same bed. Earlier on this made me feel so depressed but now I don't feel too bad about it. But I know that soon enough I'll be feeling really depressed about all of this again no matter how hard I try to just get on with things and act normal. Every time they mention they have sex sometimes I get this horrible feeling in my stomach and it killed me when my best friend said she sees my best guy friend as someone she will maybe settle with in the future. I don't know how much Ionger I can take of this.

Perhaps I should focus on working on my shyness around girls which is actually what I've been trying to do. There was a girl I met a couple of months ago who I liked and she liked me. However the second time we met she noticed how shy I was and was put off.

I can't take this anymore, it's driving me crazy knowing that even though I feel ok about the situation right this second, I won't feel this way for long
Any advice on what to do will be much appreciated

Noir
Posts: 5
Joined: Tue Jun 06, 2017 3:27 pm

Re: Been feeling low since falling for my best friend

Postby Noir » Sat Jun 17, 2017 7:15 pm

Hello :)
You know, it's okay to be shy. It's a part of who you are. There's nothing bad about it ;D But also, there's nothing bad when you want to change it :D So if you feel that you should be more social or something, a practise, as you said, would definitely help ;) Try to be more confident when talking with girls and don't be afraid to be who you are. People will like you when you won't be afraid to present you personality, and if they won't like it, don't waste time with them and go find somebody else who will accept you just like you are :D
I think you shouldn't be all alone with this. Do you have a sister? If yes, talking with her about this would be surely helpful (sisters always help :D). But if you don't, don't be afraid to message me, I think I can be a relly good sister XD (Just kidding, as a sibling, I'm not so innocent :D)

Just have a good day ;)

asmallkatamari
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat Jun 10, 2017 3:01 pm

Re: Been feeling low since falling for my best friend

Postby asmallkatamari » Mon Jun 19, 2017 12:45 am

Hello. This is my first post here so hopefully this gets sent correctly. ^^;

I'm 21 and I went through sort of a similar situation. I fell in love with someone after being good friends for a while. I'm quiet too, and she was the first person I ever felt like I could completely be myself around, and she thought the same about me. I eventually let her know how I felt, and she didn't really know how to feel back because she really liked me too but only as a good friend. It stayed alright for a while and we stayed close friends, but after some time I began to see she seemed to want more distance and it made me feel like I wasn't good enough. Everything started deteriorating over time. And even though she still cared about me in some way, it wasn't nearly as much as I cared about her. After trying to talk to her again after a few months, she was mostly polite, but at some point during the time we stopped talking, it was obvious she began to have thoughts about me that I wasn't worth enough of her time, and that I only wasted her energy whenever I would talk about myself, and it would make me feel isolated and worthless. I had a lot of confused anger and hopeless feelings and suicidal thoughts, partly because of her but also because of other things I was going through. And even anything nice that happened in my life I didn't feel like I wanted to share it with her anymore because there was basically a wall between us, being a mountain of misunderstandings and unconscious feelings that built up over time, until it became something that wasn't worth working through anymore. Anyway it ended in a messy, frustratingly dumb way, but it also made me realize just how fragile it became, and how much I alone kept trying to hold onto it.

After I let go, I kind of felt okay. There are people in the world who can care about me and who like being around me, and who I like being around too. A lot of people. I exist, I matter. I deserve better, and so do you. I'm still thankful for that relationship and I'm happy for the memories I had, but things change and that's okay.

I think the best thing to do is to accept that it's not in your hands. It's not something you can make change by being more talkative or more confident. It's not something you're responsible for. : ( And it's okay to distance yourself. Having her and your friend cuddling in your own home I can imagine is horribly unhealthy for you.

You don't have to burn any bridges, heck you don't even have to tell any of them your feelings if you don't want to. But just not being as close can be nice. I think something that can help a lot is to have your own independent thoughts and goals that they aren't apart of. Say, I'm going to learn guitar for me, I'm going to go swimming for me, I'm going to go to the nature reserve for me, and then just go. Wander around, and you'll find it's exciting again to be around new people and you'll have met them because of your own decisions. The same with feeling shy, work on it because you will feel happier about it and more comfortable with yourself, not to please anyone else.

I should say too it must have been awful holding in all these feelings trying to pretend you're alright, so I'm glad you reached out for support here. : ) Have you thought about seeing a therapist? It can be a great option to get these things off your chest and make a plan to keep moving forward.

Take care ^^


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