What am I doing

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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FlowerPrince
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Apr 02, 2017 11:36 pm

What am I doing

Postby FlowerPrince » Mon Apr 03, 2017 12:21 am

Here I am, another random stranger on the internet seeking some sort of understanding for my suffering. Suffering may be a little strong...but I've been there.
Right now I lay on my broken bed with my dog sleeping near me. My roommate and his friend are in the other room having some sort of a good time. I'm sick and tired but I can't sleep yet. My mind is full of blank, white space. Nothing has brought on this depressive episode but I think it doesn't need a reason anymore.
I use to think it did when I lived with my parents. When my mom passed away 10 years ago I had to move in with my dad who lived so far away I had no hope of visiting friends or family without a financial miracle. My mom was good..she would yell and hurt people but most I don't remember. If I try I get a headache because somehow my Disassociative Identity Disorder can control my pain. Hiding my past, the painful parts, from myself. Manfesting the anger and memories into something else that could control my body like it's another person living in me.
Anyway, moving in was a mistake. I never wanted to. I was forced by the court at age 10 to move into this mans house whose criminal records show he is dangerous and not to be trusted. Yet, he was clean of anything in the past 2 years so let's give a child to him and his new wife. This mistake caused years of psychological, emotional, and sometimes even physical abuse. I've been scratched, gripped until I bled, my hair pulled, things thrown at me, been called crazy, an idiot more than I can count or fathom, told I should have died or been aborted, retarded, that I was the spawn of the devil, I would never be truly loved by anyone, I had no real friends, forced to drink alcohol, starved, screamed at for not wearing something to show off my body, touched, grouped, and so many other things...just by my dad and stepmom. I believed it and sometimes I still do. And even now that I know it was all wrong...I still want to prove to them I'm good. I got good grades except for my senior year when I tried to kill myself at least 4 times depending on what counts. It's messed me up...and they don't even know. I was in the hospital once during that year towards the end. I tried to kill myself twice in a span of two weeks, both planned out but both failing because the scarf broke or fell off. I waited days before just admitting myself through my school.
Up until this point, i was never taken seriously by people. I told police what was happening but they couldn't remove me because it wasn't "bad enough". I told CPS and got the same result. I told my school psychologist and she said to just walk out of the house when they fight. Every night. 365 days. Several police calls and one court hearing my parents banned me from going to so I wouldn't be taken away. So they could lock me in the house. So many nights spent keeping one ear blind and one open in case it got violent...more than usual. Or having to call the ambulance for my suicidal stepmom. My main physical abuser and minor sexual harasser. Having to remain calm and acting like I've been doing fine. Which is why no one probably believed me..
I fled several nights just to get away. Sneaking out and just enjoying some fresh air and calm atmosphere. My bf at the time..was manipulating me (being so inexperienced and younger than him) into sexual..acts I never consented to. But they never knew. They read my journal several times, going into my room and getting upset that I was upset. Yelling and leaving me alone to feed myself and get myself to school for days. But yelling at me if I was in the kitchen making food or in their way.
It was all messed up and now I suffer because of it. My depression has lasted for 10 years, my anxiety has worsened (been having panic attacks since I was 6 but now they're weekly and no one believes me), and I've moved 4 times in a year since moving out of my parents house.
They've tried to guilt me. My stepmom telling me that I was the problem and they weren't abusive. Calling and texting me, sending my friends after me, I almost got a restraining order. I should have gotten a restraining order. But I'm still scared of them. I'm scared to see them. I'm scared to fail at getting one because all this time no one has taken this as it is. And I blame myself for keeping it so low key because I think that's why it started.
No one believed my parents were starving me when I broke down during track practice crying because I hadn't eaten in 3 days. No one did...no one was their with me. I had no physical markings most of the time, some spare ones here and there, but mentally I was messed up.
There are so many other things I could talk about if only I could remember them. My "DID" has all of the worst memories locked away. Even more now. Taking ones I could remember a couple years ago. I can see them. But if I try to remember on my own now I get headaches.
I don't know why I'm typing this... I've made so much progress since moving out. Gotten some therapy. A dog. An apartment. A job. I've even managed to not drive away my high school bf (the good one) and we celebrated our 4 year anniversary yesterday.
But I'm still so...upset and depressed...it's not as bad now but it's kept me home from work a couple times. It feels like I'll be stuck like this forever..depressed and anxiety ridden. Seeing that I've spent nearly half my life like this...I can't see myself being happy or proud of anything I've done.
I can't even go to someone right now and talk about it all. There's too much story. Too much that I would have to go over.
Yet here I am...
I know I've accomplished so much in so little time. But I can't seem to stay happy or calm for more than an hour. I just want to be happy.
I want to actually feel happy on my own...

Helloraspberries1
Posts: 260
Joined: Wed May 25, 2016 2:11 pm

Re: What am I doing

Postby Helloraspberries1 » Mon Apr 03, 2017 4:28 pm

Hi Flowerprince, welcome to the forums.

Your story is incredible!!! You are an inspirational woman and I mean that straight away. For what you have been through is unbelievable. I don't know how you have come out on the other side.

You are a very good example of a person transforming there lives to achieve the impossible you wouldn't ever think you would achieve. I can't explain how I feel to of heard this. I'm lost for words.

You have already made great steps into getting your life back to what it once or nearly was before this happened. Again you have been through this journey through good and bad times. That being said your already doing a great job on your own.

I just wanna know what changed? Did the police finally believe you? Was your step parents arrested for what they did? What has your boyfriend said about this?

I know you said you can't talk to anyone how you feel but remember it's those little steps to getting to where you wanna be. Just by talking here is a first step. Just remember to keep making those little steps into your daily life. Always confide in your boyfriend, try and write your thoughts down and maybe think what kind of support might help you in the long term.

Remember where you are and where you once was. Your moving forward every minute. Continue with that progression.

We all go through tough times in life, especially more then others. Life isn't fair but there is a reason always why we ended up in this situation in the first place and it's because we can deal with it better then others who can't.

This is what you can say to those and what they can't take away from you.

Please keep reaching out on here. I'm so glad your in a better place right now and I wish you best of luck with everything.

Take Care and good luck.

Helloraspberries

FlowerPrince
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Apr 02, 2017 11:36 pm

Re: What am I doing

Postby FlowerPrince » Mon Apr 03, 2017 8:00 pm

Helloraspberries1 wrote:Hi Flowerprince, welcome to the forums.

Your story is incredible!!! You are an inspirational woman and I mean that straight away. For what you have been through is unbelievable. I don't know how you have come out on the other side.

You are a very good example of a person transforming there lives to achieve the impossible you wouldn't ever think you would achieve. I can't explain how I feel to of heard this. I'm lost for words.

You have already made great steps into getting your life back to what it once or nearly was before this happened. Again you have been through this journey through good and bad times. That being said your already doing a great job on your own.

I just wanna know what changed? Did the police finally believe you? Was your step parents arrested for what they did? What has your boyfriend said about this?

I know you said you can't talk to anyone how you feel but remember it's those little steps to getting to where you wanna be. Just by talking here is a first step. Just remember to keep making those little steps into your daily life. Always confide in your boyfriend, try and write your thoughts down and maybe think what kind of support might help you in the long term.

Remember where you are and where you once was. Your moving forward every minute. Continue with that progression.

We all go through tough times in life, especially more then others. Life isn't fair but there is a reason always why we ended up in this situation in the first place and it's because we can deal with it better then others who can't.

This is what you can say to those and what they can't take away from you.

Please keep reaching out on here. I'm so glad your in a better place right now and I wish you best of luck with everything.

Take Care and good luck.

Helloraspberries

I actually went homeless for a bit. Before finding some program in my area that would provide 3 months of housing for me if I followed their rules. I just sort of picked up my stuff, snuck it all out, and moved away after graduation. They never came to that but they never showed up to anything I was a part of.
Thank you for the encouragement.

Jstar845
Posts: 13
Joined: Tue Apr 04, 2017 7:45 pm

Re: What am I doing

Postby Jstar845 » Wed Apr 05, 2017 1:58 pm

I see your tremendous strength. I am empathetic to your experiences and I know that these should not have happened to you. I know that you are an extraordinary person through what you experienced this will make you stronger and you will be able to help others. I commend you on your accomplishments and for being an aspiring person. It’s understandable that you still feel depressed and upset the things experienced were overwhelming and it does take time to heal. I see you have taken the necessary steps as well, with therapy and etc. and if you will continue this I believe it will help. Also, you have a great boyfriend who is supportive congratulations on your four-year anniversary. Continued support and healthy relationships will help you through your feelings.
Although, I know that you feel at times you are not loved, but you truly are and you understand that what you have been through makes you feel this way. None of these things were your fault you experienced in your life it wasn’t right for your mom to tell you that you were the problem. Also, to make you think they did not do anything wrong, and others to not believe you and not to do anything. We have been through times in our lives when people say and do hurtful things to us purposely with the intent to tear someone down because they have many problems themselves and even try to get us to believe hurtful things that are not true. Yes, you can be happy and proud of who you are because you are a lovely person and what you experienced will not take this away and it never will. I understand you are trying to heal and you are doing well. It may also help to establish some healthy coping methods and to discuss these with your therapist. I’m praying for you and hoping for the best. We are here for you.

pam4him
Posts: 8
Joined: Wed Dec 21, 2016 9:49 pm

Re: What am I doing

Postby pam4him » Wed Apr 05, 2017 10:11 pm

I am so sorry you had to go through such a rough childhood and are still working through it's effects. Emotional abuse is one of the hardest for people to believe because of the lack of "evidence." You sound like you are on the right track towards a better life. This article might offer some additional insight: http://bit.ly/2cI4yXz. If you are not on medication, it might be worth discussing with your doctor to help with the anxiety. It worked for me in combination with counseling, so maybe it will work for you. Continue taking life one day at a time, do what absolutely must get done, and don't be too hard on yourself when bad days arise. They are just that, bad days, not the true measure of your life, nor you. Prayers for healing.

Helloraspberries1
Posts: 260
Joined: Wed May 25, 2016 2:11 pm

Re: What am I doing

Postby Helloraspberries1 » Sat Apr 08, 2017 2:05 pm

So you found housing accommodation after that? You said they didn't show up? What you didn't take part of the program you mentioned?

I'm glad your back on your feet. So good to know you had support and gained housing. What are you up to now? Are you working? You still getting treatment?

I know you was in a bad place before but I hope now your not so much and your able to talk cuz I know that was one of the biggest things you didn't and also loneliness. Are you seeing a doctor?

I hope everything goes well for you and wish you all the best in the future.

Hugs

Helloraspberries


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