My Depression story

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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chirantan
Posts: 6
Joined: Fri Mar 17, 2017 3:56 am
Location: Calcutta

My Depression story

Postby chirantan » Fri Mar 17, 2017 4:26 am

So I guess its a long one but I would cut it short.Hi I am from Calcutta,India.I am 27+ and I am a graduate electrical engineer and now I am pursuing my post graduate(MS) in Computer Science.Though everything seems nice but it has not been so and not so even now. I am a patient of depression for the last 1.5 years.I must say I have a problem with my sexual orientation.I was attracted to men from the very beginning of my life.I was sent to study in a boarding school when I was 11 and it was a boys only school and to add my concerns,there was a lot of homosexual snares of boys on me. I was physically and sexually exploited by my peers.They insulted me like stray dogs of India.They treated me as their slave.No one would listen to me back then.I was only consoled by all to adjust the circumstances as getting admission in that school is very tough even to this day.I was unaware the amount of damage it told upon me but post school days I became introvert,hyper-sensitive and socially cut out as I felt everyone would treat me the same way and consider my sexuality as a pun.Though I do not behave like women the day gay people do.I am not like them but when I was in school I preferred dressing like girls and putting up make up and talking and acting like them.I was slammed by everyone.Our society does not tolerate all this nonsense and I was literally living a life of expurgation. Somehow I came out of school but in my high school I did not do well due to terrible financial constraints at home.My father used to earn less than 10 pounds a month.I appeared for the entrance engineering exams,passed it and went for engineering.There I met my boyfriend and that moment onwards I started believing I had achieved my purpose of life.I loved him and he loved me like no other lover would love each other. I came out of all my anxieties, my fears and for the first and probably the last time in life I was living my own life.We were together in the college for 4 years(BTech degree) following which I suddenly started ignoring me and finally snapped out all ties with me and became a monk and now even if he sees me, he does not recognize me. After this grotesque mishap, I thought I would engage myself into something.And let me remind you that I got a job in a big company after college but my boyfriend dissuaded me to go for it and I trusted him like anything and I did not join. I finally ended up in this university.I did my Diploma in Computer Science from there following which I enrolled for the MS course at the same place.My life has now turned into a living nightmare again.So much pressure followed by insults by my peers and teachers only because I am older than most students in the class and as I am passive I am taken advantage of.They all take favors from me yet they insult me on the face.I am suffering from depression and anxiety for last 1.5 years. I am under medication for depression(6 months)and high BP which I have been diagnosed lately.I can't take all this anymore.I want to rest in peace.So that's my story.

leidid
Posts: 10
Joined: Wed Mar 15, 2017 5:59 pm

Re: My Depression story

Postby leidid » Fri Mar 17, 2017 8:58 am

Hello chirantan
Reading your story I am upset you had to go through that. Not only can stress be difficult but the added pressure of feeling like no one is being supportive of you is too much. I wish that you would be able to be open about your sexual orientation because it is your life and no one else's to have a say in it. All I can say is there is one user here and I'm sure many othere who can listen/read what you say in this forum.

chirantan
Posts: 6
Joined: Fri Mar 17, 2017 3:56 am
Location: Calcutta

Re: My Depression story

Postby chirantan » Fri Mar 17, 2017 10:00 pm

Thanks a lot Leidid,I really do not know how to cope with this.I have so many problems now that I can hardly think of anything positive in life.Anything at all.Thanks a lot.

leidid
Posts: 10
Joined: Wed Mar 15, 2017 5:59 pm

Re: My Depression story

Postby leidid » Sat Mar 18, 2017 10:26 am

It can be difficult to be positive when it feels like you are only surrounded by negativity. Think of what you love no matter from what time, when you were a kid or teen. I know that these may have been hard times but if you really want to move forward you have to give it all you got. I want you to find something you enjoy, a hobby of some sort but do not try putting all your happiness in a person or group of people. Creating happiness that comes from you is secure and you know you can rely on yourself. I feel that it's much more empowering. I hope that this helps in some way.


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