Twisted society makes twisted people

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Mikev221
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Jan 24, 2017 9:27 pm

Twisted society makes twisted people

Postby Mikev221 » Wed Jan 25, 2017 1:47 am

Hi!

I'm mike, new to this forum, and I decided to write my story, sometimes it helps me reading other's stories and helping them helps me also a lot. So maybe what I will write will help someone as well. Sorry in advance if my english is a bit rough.

It started when I was 15 years old I think, back then I already went trough friendship loss (kids...) and solitude for a few years, but then everything was so wonderful, I had made a lot of great new friends and I couldn't be more confident in myself.

Maybe a bit too much, I had always said what was on my mind without any form of restraint, and this made me the kind of person that you have a lot of fun fooling around with, but for anything else I had ideas that I strongly believed in without some sort of actual reasoning behind them and it was frustrating for others.

This came to me really hard when I had started to really think about truth and I felt that, what I thought of many things, was just contradictory and without any real reasoning, it's like I felt empty inside. (I needed to find myself in all this) That was when I started experimenting with drugs, mostly weed.

By thinking of myself that way, I actually started isolating myself, it almost became a new lifestyle and around that time it's also when little boy and little girls started thinking about stuff like sex and romantic relationships but that wasn't the case for me. In fact, I'm still to this day a "virgin", (26 yrs old) . We'll get to that later. This just helped me (with drugs) to get separated from this group of friends.

Actually what really put the nail down is that I started to hang out with an older friend who was also into drugs, and we would literally just do drugs. It became a destructive escape path (an escape from myself).

I lost the ability to draw, my confidence, my funny edgy side, eventually my inhibitions, my taste of life, the ability to communicate, my emotions and then my friends. Those came all down the drain, and I lived like a zombie drowned in depression for a number of years.

What was left was my ability to think, which I continued to develop (but felt it wasn't actually part of my actual consciousness) and my "animal instincts", listening to my heart helped me get trough this because it made me good at what I did for a living.

I could sort of see myself as if all of it was a dream, distorted vision and time, plugged ears, hearing voices, a sort of a semi-consciousness state but my actions were almost mechanical, I didn't had to think a lot about them. I spoke really rarely to others, and when people talked to me it never lasted more than 30 seconds. This lead to elocution problems and didn't helped getting my confidence back.

After a few years, (that I almost completely forgot) it came to me that I hadn't laughed in what I think was a year and a half. I had never tough of suicide a this point, I just felt there was something wrong about myself, I wanted to be able to laugh again, to have a will to get up in the morning not only for work.

I started to try to get my life back, everything felt so cold back then, daylight was too bright and night was so beautiful in the woods a 3 a.m. it felt suiting like home. It came down again to finding myself in all of this, but sometimes there's truths your mind doesn't even try to contemplate, it's just lost behind ideals you made for yourself. So you start thinking you're a lost cause.

Meanwhile there's your family, that doesn't seem to care about what you think, how you feel, I was just a drug addict to them.

It took a lot of work to get to where I am now, the death of my grand-father helped me get trough my first suicide phase, but each time I encountered problems, especially with my work, (the only thing I lived for) I always felt like it would just be better if I gave up.

I later came to realize what I had been running from all this time, why I had this hollow personality back then that I tried to change, why I found an escape in self-destruction and just couldn't get my hands on happiness no matter how much I've made myself valuable and proud of my work.

It may sound a bit silly, but I think those personalities were reflections (the opposite in some ways) of my true self. I remembered what I tough of myself when was much younger and I remembered suppressing these thoughts and I even got a little help from my father as well who would just throw away pantyhose and skirts ( :mrgreen: ) I had hidden in my drawer without ever talking to me about it, not even a mention of any sort. So much that my later quest for reason suppressed these even more and it has to do with why I'm still a virgin.

Some part of me knew what I truly wanted, so I started cross-dressing again when I had my first apartment. I though it was only a kind of kinky, sexual fetish of some sort. But this came into a whole very recently, after realizing I fell in love with one of my friends (a guy), so I made peace with myself and I feel much better now. The coming out part is really liberating, I feel like I can breathe well and not be afraid of this and that.

It's just sad that I didn't realize it before, I was stuck in this canvas that society laid out for me.

It struck me that I've forgotten how I felt about myself while I was still a kid so much that I had to go through all this, at least I can say I don't regret even an ounce of it. This made me what I am now, and I'm proud of it.

Thanks for reading!

ree
Posts: 29
Joined: Mon Nov 14, 2016 6:37 am

Re: Twisted society makes twisted people

Postby ree » Mon Apr 17, 2017 10:55 pm

hope you're okay.. God bless xx


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