Too depress to do anything

[Mewiththesadeyes]

I've reached a point in my life that I can no longer cope with the stress that constantly haunts me.

No matter what I do that may be deemed in my eyes as something to be proud of, I can't help but to hear the echos of mothers voice saying, " you think that the things you had done is to be proud of, you think that anyone cares, your nothing and will never be anything". I've lived with the scars that was inflicted from my family whether it is verbally or physically. One from my mother using a knife on me, one from my sister using a flat ended metal broom that slit my foot and the other was a pocket knife from my younger brother. The knife from my brother was not so much memorable but is what father said after i told him what my brother did that made it memorable. It just made me feel like we didn't matter (as he would most of the time just call us animal and never use our name). Mother's scar from the knife was the one that i will never forget. As much as I wanted to, its on my arm and will always brings back that memories of what happened that day. She's used so much different weapons of her choosing that had split the skin to shed blood that I've lost count of how many was used. I remember her last attempt using the knife on me again that I gave up trying to resist. I just sad if your going to end me than just do it. I'm just tired of your beatings and the verbal abuse ( of which still echos in my head to this day). I believe i was 6 or 7 that time. I know still in elementary school so barely teens yet. With the holidays in effects, it doesn't help. For I have no family to do any of that with. I've dealt with it so many years but somehow this year has got me pinned downed bad. My depression has had me lashing at people as far as being an angry and bitter person. I would shake from annoyance and I have never done that. I am starting to yell more often, I get mad easily, I think negatively of me more so then ever and the shakes i get when frustrated is some new to me this year. It scares me and i am seeing a psychiatrist on the 12th to find out what she can do or give me to help. I also think of that time when I was drowning more often then usual. How peaceful and how clear things was. I often wonder if just jumping off a bridge of running water would be better off then dealing with all the stress im going through. I cant sleep much and when i do, it feels like I didnt get much sleep at all. I hardly eat any more because it seemed to be tasteless and so I would just go to sleep instead. Some of the people at lash at are the one's who I know are just kidding and their way of showing they like me is to use racial or demeaning comments. I've come to turn on excepting the fact that they are just ass**** and its just them joking around, but lately its getting more uncomfortable and making me feel down even more for being different. I remember dads funeral how the head clan lead bashed us kids as worthless and no good in front of many guest. Even the face on my uncle who was standing next to dads casket was pinned down in disbelief for what the head clan leader had sad. But what can he say, uncle was in no place to tell him otherwise. BTW I'm Oriental so by clan I mean the chief of our "Clan last name". Who am I kidding, Im doomed to be a failure in my parents eyes no matter what I do. Bother consider us as worthless or no good. Mother was hurtful then dad. Dad was not around much but he had his share in words. My parents never knew of me drowning. I never told them because they had always said, "if your either going to kill yourself dont mention us as your parents. If you do end yourself of which doing us a favor, make sure its far away so that no one knows who your parents are. Your not my child i found you in a dumpster." If we get into a slight accident mother would always scold us, " why didnt you die, better off then to live and be a waste of food and our efforts".

I'm 31 now and had since left my parents when I turned 18. I never got along with my siblings other than my twin but all the other siblings were either the favorites (my oldest sister, my youngest brother and sister) or never around because they got fed up with the physical and verbal abuse(my twin and my younger brother and his twin). The ones that left joined gang members of which, was not even 18 years of age. They left at 13 or 14 I believe. I stayed because it was the right thing to do as the oldest son. I took with the beating and verbal abuse till I left. age 16 was when the physical beating stopped but the verbal was always there. I was homeless for a when i left. I slept in my car in walmart parking lots at night and continued on to work in the morning. The physical abuse that I still get nightmares once in a while are; the time I was chained in the basement, the time I was locked outside in below 0 degree weather stripped of my clothes, starved from food, a crowbar whacked onto my ankle, the knife mother stabbed me with, and the time mother had me and my twin kneel in front of her as she used a plastic baseball bat and hit us in the mouth with it. I still remember her saying " none of your blood should drip onto the carpet or you'll get even more of the bat". I remember crying and watching my twin as the both of us have our hands cupped under our chin as blood oozes from our bruised and battered lips.

Aside from what I have dealt with, I cant seem to shake these holidays of family get together. I have for many years but this year got me so downed. I wish i had one I can celebrate with. Seems each year it gets worst and worst for me. Not only is the holidays but lately i cant seem to shake off the disappointment in my life. Soon as i get something good going, I get into a major depression and think im not worthy and so I blew all my cash on gambling, or booze. I get mad easily when someone jokes of me being asian, though it never really effected me much in the past, but somehow every word, every guilt and every doubt of whether being different, or not as smart as your friends has gotten me down so bad. The echos of mother and father's words are louder then ever. I can't seem to have any ambitions to get up and do anything. I dont eat healthy or at all anymore. Im drained! I dont feel GOD as much anymore and if matters isn't worse at how useless i am IM A CLOSET CASE thats why GOD dont answer me. I have had it with this world of trying to appease everyone and myself.....

But above all, I'm going to try and stay humble, I'll try and think positive and above all I'll try and make this life make sense. So hard when you have no one to talk to that will be understanding or someone to lend an hear and just adds a few words of comfort....

[Feelings]

I too am in same boat and have no paddles. The amounts of medication I'm on does not seem to help. I know this sounds like same old same old.
I feel your pain. I have pstd /bipolar and anxiety. I have lost my social networking cause of the traumatic event that took place. Every day it feels like the end is near. I want to tell you I'm here for you if you need to chat. Wish I had special cure for both of us. I do know you have to start loving yourself. Very hard when all you hear is negative thoughts and regrets. Least you have a job and can socialize. I am trapped in my room and only places I go is to doctors and court rooms for what has happened to me. I have been continuously been let down from DA and legal system. As you have been from family. Please feel free to contact me here to chat. Even if it means checking in some place to help. Your advocate Dan

[Katjie]

Hi all

I am feeling sad again, well, for a while at least. I can't concentrate on anything..

This "ending of my relationship" does not have a real ending, no conclusion....

He is friendlier as ever, he kisses my goodbye and goodnight and hello again if he is coming home. He says constantly he is moving out soon because his teenage daughter needs him near, she apparently said so...which I know it is not really her saying that, because I know her, she is spoiled....but he coaches her into making promises and statements and she does say "yes and huh" and she is NOT the person saying directly that she needs him....now he tells me that SHE said in full sentences she wants him to move nearer (just 40km away from me????).

He is confusing me, because when I become sad and in a sad mood (I am NOT trying to manipulate him), he picks it up and wants to know why I am sad...then he explains his plans all over again, instead of being sympathetic....then I stop the conversation before it becomes out of order.....when I start to cry (because I still love him) he hugs me and say that anything can happen in a few months, it will not be NOW...maybe he will think about it more because he loves me to.....He CONFUSES me, I don't know what to think of his constant "thinking" about it.....do you think he is messing with me because he also can't afford to move out now?

He promised me there is no-one else, no other woman and I believe him because he doesn't have the privacy or time and I spy on his mobile sometimes and there seems to be only his clients contacting him....he is still warm towards me, BUT he doesn't want to make love anymore and sleeps in another room the past two months...it is cruel of him to be warm and going on as if nothing has happened, he even takes me out to dinner etc like at the beginning - he is the nicest to me more than the past 4 years...

Is there any male person out there who can explain to me what my boyfriend (or whatever he wants me to believe) is thinking? I don't understand him anymore...it hurts.