Down for the count

[Lagunasolv]

Thank you for those who give the time to read this.

When I was young I was raped repeatedly by family members at different times as a young child, my father at the time was an alcoholic, and abused my mother and my siblings and myself physically, until my parents got divorced. I think over time I became an extremely protective to the point of mental abuse of my siblings if that even makes sense. I at times exploded at my mother and siblings when angry, because to this day, I find it extremely hard to express myself. Even my wife finds it hard to read me at times, as I am somewhat antisocial. I do not like to go out, but when I do I try my best to hold a conversation and most of the time I make people uncomfortable I think. Straight to the point, I have happy moments in my life such as my wedding, child's birth, etc. But I have never been happy, a lot of times I feel emptiness and dispair, to the paint that sometimes at night, or when I'm driving I cry for no apparent reason, but I feel a lot of anguish. I always think of my rape, and sometimes I blame myself, feel disgusting, and fear it might happen to my child. Lately it's become unbearable, and I think of suicide a lot. I do not know if any of this is connected, and although I am withholding a lot, I do not know how to explain. This is my first time writing or even speaking of this. I just want help. I feel like my marriage is crumbling, as well as my personal life in general, as well as many hours away from my family due to work and the stress that comes along with it.

[Elizabeth_May]

I beg you to push ideas of suicide out of your mind. You have a family, a child of your own. This may sound harsh but if you truly cared for your child you would not put them through the pain of losing a parent. I truly feel for you, i grew up with an abusive father and i would not wish that upon anybody. Luckily i didn't get the worst of it but i can try to image what you went through. You seem like a good guy and it sucks you had to go through what you went through but you can't let it control and shape your life, you have to fight this negativity as much as you can. I obviously don't know what steps you've taken but i first would go talk to a therapist or just somebody you feel comfortable with. I don't know if you've told your wife but if not maybe you could ease her into the facts of your horrible childhood. Help her understand, people tend to be willing to help when you let them.
Never blame your self for rape, it is NEVER the victims fault, you didn't ask for it, you didn't say it was okay for them to do it therefore it is NOT your fault. Also crying is okay, it really is. Let it out man. God i wish you didn't have to carry this burden but you have to just work to over come it. Keep thinking of your child, remember how you want the best for them.