Isolated.

[Aeldur]

Hello--

This is my first time posting to a forum like this, but I really have no one else to talk to. I hope I am in the right place.

I have been dealing with sometimes-crippling depression and anxiety for most of my life (I am 29), but in the last three years, it has gotten bad to the point that it is effecting my ability to function. I've always been good at dealing with it-- my life is usually just at the edge of a crisis at all times, so I generally don't have the luxury of being able to crumble. I get up, I go to work, I take care of my animals. Sometimes I manage to engage in something I like (I am a huge crafter), but lately, I haven't been able to work up the energy to do anything beyond what is absolutely necessary.

I suppose I should talk a bit about myself and my situation. As I mentioned above, I am 29, and I live in a little house with my long-term partner, who I generally have a very good relationship with. I am in school to become a veterinary technician, and work full time in the field. When I am able, I am a textile artist, historical reenactor, gardener, beekeeper and musician. When I am not able, I am basically a piece of furniture. The furniture aspect has been more, and more frequent.

Its hard to figure out where to start.

Things have been harder than usual lately. I lost my dad very suddenly a little less than two years ago, and am still having trouble grieving. I had to be the one to tell them to stop performing CPR, and took the tubes and wires off of his body before my siblings arrived at the hospital so they didn't have to see him like that. Just a few weeks before, my horse died of a suspected clot. I was unexpectedly forced to move back into my mother's house (we do not have a great relationship), and my truck died.

A good friend was killed in a freak horse accident. Then, I lost my grandfather.

My partner and I moved in together, and everything was ok for a while, aside from me having to deal with perpetual car trouble, school, poverty, a grueling work schedule and medical issues. This passed December, we found out that my wonderful greyhound had an inoperable mass attached to his heart and lungs that was causing him to slowly bleed out. He died three weeks later. It wasn't an easy passing. I held him while my vet had to perform a heart-stick to administer euthanasia drugs because he was seizing too hard to find a leg vein. He was the first dog I had to put down as an adult. I mean, I see people at our clinic every day going through the same thing, but he was my dog. I am a pretty serious introvert, and my dogs are pretty much my only consistent company. It felt like all the holes that were left by my dad's death were just raked back open again.

Not too long after losing my dog, I became embroiled in a legal battle with my insurance company over their refusal to cover my medically-necessary top surgery (double mastectomy-- I am a female-to-male trans person). Before even signing up with the company, I had inquired as to whether or not they covered such treatments (which are deemed medically necessary by pretty much every legitimate medical association), and was assured it would not be a problem. Once I had gone through all the first steps toward having surgery, they decided to decline everything, stating that they were excluded benefits under my plan. I was treated a bit like some sort of freak by everyone I spoke to with that company, but, being poor, I don't have a lot of healthcare options. I started working with a free legal service for LGBT people, but its still not resolved.

I am not sure if any of you out there know anything about having GID, but it is awful. I wake up every day hating my body. I worry about whether or not I 'pass' to the point that I have anxiety attacks whenever I have to do somewhere or do something social. I've started relying on home delivery services like amazon rather than going to an actual store if I can possibly avoid it. I have a hard time doing things with friends. Every time someone looks at me, I worry about what they see. Whether or not my chest is too prominant, or if my voice is too feminine. Every time I get called 'she' or 'ma'am', it feels like being punched. I feel ill and weepy. The fact that I am having to fight so hard just to get medical coverage makes me angry, and tired and frustrated. I can't reliably bind my chest due to athsma, either, and I've gained more weight than I am comfortable with, but it is hard to get up the motivation to do anything about it. I loathe every single thing about my appearance, and that has started to really effect my relationship with everyone I care about.

A few months ago, I thought I had a heartattack in the car on my way home from work. Turns out, it was a massive anxiety attack, but I became kind of obsessed over it. Around then was when I started having trouble sleeping again. I would worry that there was something wrong with my heart, or that I would throw a clot while I was sleeping and never wake up. Every twitch or twinge would make me worry that I was going to die. I started giving myself anxiety attacks over it. It has since petered out a bit, but I am still having to force myself not to think about it in order to sleep.

My partner has terrible depression as well, and he can be totally non-functional when he falls into a depression spiral, which usually happens during his grad school semesters. When this happens, its up to me to make sure the household still functions. I end up having to take up his responsibilities in order to maintain some semblance of sanity. I wouldn't mind at all, except for the fact that this makes things very lonely. I don't really have anyone to talk to, and I worry so much about him. I get frustrated with having to maintain stability, and overwhelmed with the amount of things that need to get done.

Three weeks ago, we lost another of our dogs to what we assume was a freak accident. He was an Italian greyhound.. We also, at the time, had a plotthound and a 2lb chihuahua. Italian greyhounds are kind of delicate, but none of our dogs ever fought with one another. We'd had the plott and the IG since they were both a year and a half old. They were both 8 now. My partner came home to find Titus dead on our kitchen floor with a hole in his carotid artery. The vet that examined the body said it looked like the plotthound had bit him. There was blood everywhere. He didn't die right away, he walked all over our house before expiring in the kitchen. It was like walking into a murder scene. My partner called me hysterical, and I didn't have a car at the time, so I couldn't just run home. I had a bit of a mental break down at work, and one of the other nurses had to drive me home. I don't really remember a lot about what happened, only the sight of his little body in our kitchen with blood everywhere. My partner's dad had to clean up, and my friend from work took the body. What broke my heart was the fact that he was alone when he died. Titus was my first rescue dog, and he was so attached to me that everyone called him the hemorrhoid. I took him from an awful situation, and I feel like I let him down somehow.

Now, I am intensely paranoid about anything happening to our other dogs, particularly the small dog. I almost passed out when we were prepping her for a routine spay surgery. I can't go anywhere near a euthanasia procedure at work (we are a general practice clinic, most of the animals we send on are very old, or extremely sick... I never had a problem with it before.) I starting to feel some burn-out where I never had before.

I just feel anxious all the time, and expect bad things to happen. I don't know what to do about that. I do see a therapist once a month, but I feel like I should be able to handle all this crap without falling apart. I am always the one that just deals with things that need to be dealt with. I am everyone else's crisis person. If there is an emergency, I deal with it. Lately, though, I just sort of feel like I might cry at any moment for no reason at all. I don't have many friends, so I don't really have anyone to talk to. I worry about talking to my partner about certain things, because I don't want to set off his depression. I worry about everything. Every single thing. Even stupid things, like whether or not I got the right kind of laundry soap.

I wish I could get a break.

[ItsNotGreener]

I related to so much of what you wrote and hope my response lets you know you are not alone.

I have been suffering with depression and anxiety for about 2-3 years. I take medication that doesn't seem to work and have no desire to see a therapist/counselor. I'm a private person and can't imagine talking to a stranger about my problems. I don't think it would help anyway. I'm currently without (good) medical insurance and would pay out of pocket for doctors so I can't afford to seek help even if I wanted to. So when my current prescriptions run out.....

I'm happily married with children and just became a stay at home mom in my 40's. I've been told I pass for 20's or 30's (probably because I'm Asian and petite). Most women would be happy about that, I on the other hand, hate it. I wish people never looked at my face. What's the point in looking young if you're ugly? I don't know what GID is but I too have extreme anxiety about my body. I almost never wear shorts because I think I have big calves. I'm selective about tops because I think I have broad shoulders. Even with bottoms, I don't have hips/butt. What good is being skinny if you're not curvy? Or the curves are in all the wrong places? I'm so self conscious I can't remember the last time I bought clothes in an actual store and not online.

I haven't always been an introvert but somewhere over the past few years I've lost friendships and the ability to make new ones. My guess is depression and insecurity became my new personality and nobody wants to be around that. I don't have family and only a couple of friends. The friends that I do have I don't speak to regularly enough and would not be able to talk so candidly about these things. Nobody wants to be around the Debbie Downer anyway.

My husband and I have a great relationship but I still feel so alone. Just as you don't burden your partner because of his depression, I don't overburden my husband with my problems. Even those that I share, I think they are too overwhelming for him and he withdraws because he doesn't know how to help me, I'm left feeling very lonely and even more depressed knowing I've become a problem for him. It's tough feeling like there's nowhere and no one to turn to.

We recently moved and rented out our brand new, very expensive, executive home only to find that it's being rented by a bunch of animals! We weren't specific enough with the details in our lease and our state seems to protect tenants more than landlords. Our home which we believed was being rented by a family of three (like ours) we've learned from neighbors have 10 people (a violation of the lease)! Six adults and 4 children in a 4br/3ba! All they have to do is correct the violation (or in my case you're told "prove it") I am so stressed out about what condition my home will be in when I return.

When I moved I brought my cats with me. I never thought they would be so greatly affected. It has been extremely difficult! I am suffering such guilt because one of has been crying everyday. Upon arrival they were forced to stay in a kennel while we searched for a home. The kennel is horrendous! It was a prison. Lights on from 10:00am -5:00pm. Cage approximately 4x2x2. No exercise or socializing. No toys. Just stuck in there. Never brought into a separate room to stretch out with a cat tree or carpet or anything! Kept in the same room with loud barking dogs. They've been so traumatized. They've always been indoor cats but he now cries to go outside. I don't know if he thinks it will magically transport him home. Our new home is so well insulated there is no outside noise. It's built with small windows facing the street with two large windows facing areas with no activity. We live in a very quiet neighborhood. I don't know what I can do for him. I've bought him toys (balls and fish poles) but there's not much he can do. This home has wood floors and every surface is wallpapered. I'm afraid I will be paying to redecorate this home when I move out-$$$$$. FYI-The dollar signs are representative of what it would cost.

I feel like we've lost everything. I've put my family into a situation where everyone is unhappy. Everyone. And I feel solely responsible. It is completely unchangeable for a set amount of time. Years. And all I keep thinking is if I kill myself, will my family be allowed to go home?