Advice needed (triggering material)

[Alexis Black]

Hi, I've only just joined this soo forgive me if I don't exact have the best story writing techniques.

Backstory:
Currently 20 and have just dropped out of law school. I have severe depression/panic disorder with social anxiety and recently have been diagnosed with boderline personality disorder (of that's really such a thing). I come from a good background with supportive parents but somewhere along the way I gained a deep self hatred that spiralled into my current status of moving home from university to lying in my bed unable to look anybody in the eye. I've attempted suicide twice as an escape from the viscous thoughts in my head and the paranoia that controls me. I had many friends in school and college and was considered a kind outgoing person until my facade ran dry and caused me to push every single one of my friends away. Even my sisters and dad. I have absolutely no desire to seek help or better myself even though things are quickly getting worse (disfigurement of face/arms/legs) and crying myself into a start where my nose bleeds and I faint. The only thing I've enjoyed in the last year or two is exercise. I went to the gym/hiking near to everyday for 1 and a half years but now I couldn't bear the thought of getting dressed let alone walking into a building that foundation is built on judgemental glares. I've come to the conclusion that, for now, I have no option but to exist. I cannot take the slightest bit of pressure without turning into an unrecognisable person. Example: I, completely on accident, broke an irrelevant part of a plastic funnel my dad had just bought and when he told me off gently I ended up (secretly) smashing self harmed. It's not very nice but I'm not willing to seek help as stepping outside into the world/interacting with the unknown literally makes my stomach turn and induces thoughts and situations that I cannot deal with right now.

My question is does anybody have any advice on how to momentarily exist? I have no desire to help myself as of now I do not want to get better in fact quite the opposite end of the spectrum. So, yea; any advice would be appreciated

[100footpole]

Existing in the moment sounds like mindfulness to me.

Have you read anything about it?

You sound like a smart person who is lost but searching. Mindfulness allows you to pick a strategy that can work for you. But since you are lost it is hard to not panic.

When all else fails I try to do something I've never done before ... depending on how tired I am it could be something small ... for instance I might do two chores in a row just to show myself that I don't have to stop in between... If two chores are too hard than I divide one chore into two pieces and try to do both, even if I only do a quarter ... I can tell myself that I am in control.

[windsong]

Hi Alexis,

I know you say that right now you don't even want help or to get better but a part of you must want to get better because you reached out to us. I believe you can get better it just takes time and effort. Don't give up. Talk here, talk in the chat room. Just each day try to do something even if it seems small and the next day try something more. And tell yourself that's more than you did the day before, so that is progress no matter how small it may seem. Reaching out here is progress.

[GlassHeart]

Sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time. I know it is hard to get back up when you're in a rut. It's late in the day where I am and I still have not dragged myself into the gym. That is one place where I manage to find a feeling of well-being, if only for the time I am in the place.
I, fortunately live in a place where there is a lot of natural scenery and open spaces. I have had to push myself to get out more because it's hard sometimes, like today it was horribly hot, and though the temperature is moderated now I'm still in here with the air-conditioning!
I go to the beach or the nature park or trail to hike, take pictures, or just sit down and think to myself. It is in the beauty of these natural surroundings that I can live in the moment and try to put aside the harsh realities of my life.
I hope you have a special place like that where you can go - take in the scenery but feel at peace with being alone. Because that's what it is to find peace while living moment to moment. Accepting where you are and even being content with it for the time being.
I have no friends in the little town where I live. I am forever alone! But being in a place of beauty and tranquility helps me to find peace. Sometimes I take a few photos and write about the experience.
I am in a place where I know I don't belong, but I try to find the little good that exists here and concentrate on that.
So keep writing. I know it seems life is not worthwhile but just being able to communicate to people who can relate to what you are going through is helpful to more people than you know.
It takes a while to be able to find inner strength and to hold on. You are still young. You still have time - because as you age it will begin to fly by. I live my life trying to leave behind as few regrets as possible. I hope you will have a better future awaiting you.