I need help.
Posted: Thu Apr 14, 2016 9:23 pm
Background first:
I'm a mess of a person... I'm trans. Born with male parts and still have them but I am legally female now. I'm OCD, bipolar, schizoaffective (visual and audible hallucinations but less frequently now), was diagnosed EDNOS--Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified--back when that WAS a diagnosis, I've heard it was replaced with OSFED in the newest DSM. What that basically means is that I was anorexic but wasn't emaciated enough to meet the bmi criteria of "anorexic". I'm not currently eating in a disordered way, but I wouldn't call myself recovered from that as I've relapsed before and probably could again.
Yesterday I was suffering SEVERE anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts. Today I'm "better" but only because right now I feel numb and dead inside.
I have no job and nobody wants to risk hiring me because I have a criminal record, which I will explain in a moment. Every time I apply for a job, I just get a letter in the mail saying they've decided not to hire me because of my background check, and they include a copy of my background check... as if I didn't know I had a record. I DID manage to get 1 job... kinda. It was at an auto auction. My job was to get in a car, drive it through the area where people (usually people who owned or worked for car dealerships) would bid on them, then park it again. When I applied for the job, that was the first job I was honest about my record, because a friend worked there and said they hire people with criminal records. I even made a note on the application offering to show them a letter from my therapist explaining my record, which I'll also explain in a moment. When I applied, all they checked first was my driving record, to make sure I wasn't a dangerous driver, and they filed the rest of my application. After checking my driving record, they hired me. I worked there for 2 weeks until I got a letter in the mail saying they decided not to hire me due to my record. My thought was "that's a strange thing to say considering I've already BEEN working for them for 2 weeks... and haven't stolen a single car yet!"
My record... I've been caught shoplifting a few times. Each time was during an extreme depression period... during my parents going through a divorce and me worrying about which parent I was going to live with because I couldn't support myself. My dad wasn't gonna let me live with him, and my mom couldn't afford to support me on her own. That divorce never wound up happening. The 2nd time was after my great grandma died. She was the most supportive person in my life. And the 3rd time was during ANOTHER time my parents were going through a divorce which ALSO never wound up happening.
Anyway, during those periods of depression, if I was in a store, I would just put things in my pocket... as if I was in auto-pilot. I wasn't thinking "screw the store" I wasn't thinking "I want this but don't have the money" or anything. I was literally thinking nothing. I just did it. In fact the last time I did it, it was a meat tenderizer that I put in my pocket... and I don't cook. The security was even confused by it. They asked "Why didn't you try and steal a movie or a video game?". My therapist wrote a letter to the court that I had kleptomania triggered by depression. And that was the letter I was going to show the auto auction manager.
So my most recent depression... I'll go through the thoughts I always wind up thinking, but I don't think these thoughts are the cause of my depression... I think my depression is coming on for no reason... and these are the thoughts that I have once I'm in that self-loathing state:
I'm an adult... I have no job and nobody will hire me. I will be a burden on my parents until the day they die... and then I will either be homeless or a burden on one of my friends. I also start wondering what my purpose is and what is the point of living. I'm accomplishing nothing. I'm a nobody. I'm a leach on society because I'm getting medicaid and food stamps since I'm unable to get a job. I'm going to die eventually anyway so why not make it happen today? I'm ready for whatever comes after life--whatever that might be.
I lost my last job because I'm trans. I had worked in that company for 7 years, but the company constantly moves managers to different stores, and my last manager was a homophobic "Christian" who often told me if it were up to her, I wouldn't work there, and that my "lifestyle" was against her morals and her religion. She eventually fired me for a "legit" reason on paper, but it was a nonesense reason. She was just looking for an excuse to be able to fire me. She fired me for leaving money on in a drop envelope on top of the safe. It was against company policy... but everybody in every store did it, it was EXPECTED of us. At the end of our shift, after counting our drawers down, we were expected to leave $100 in small bills--ones, fives and tens--in an envelope, that way if the next shift got a ton of twenties right away, they could exchange $100 worth of twenties for those low bills, then drop that last drop into the safe. THAT is what I was fired for... because it was against "policy". But every single employee did that in all the stores I worked at for them over the course of 7 years.
When I lost my job, I had to end my good insurance because I obviously couldn't afford it. Now I have medicaid. They don't cover the doctor, therapist and psychiatrist that I WAS seeing. I really miss all 3 of them. They were good. I have recently made appointments to start seeing a new therapist and psychiatrist... but my therapist appointment is in a month, and the psychiatrist appointment is in 2 months. That was the soonest both of them were available.
I don't know if I will be around for those appointments. I don't want to live... but I have no plans to actually end my life, as of now. I just really need some mental medications. My new primary/family doctor doesn't believe in mental medications. She won't prescribe the antidepressants I was prescribed from my previous doctor. She says I should see a therapist in combination with meditation and journaling. I already do both of those anyway but I have to strongly disagree. I NEED to be on mood stabilizer(s) and antidepressants.
I'm a mess of a person... I'm trans. Born with male parts and still have them but I am legally female now. I'm OCD, bipolar, schizoaffective (visual and audible hallucinations but less frequently now), was diagnosed EDNOS--Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified--back when that WAS a diagnosis, I've heard it was replaced with OSFED in the newest DSM. What that basically means is that I was anorexic but wasn't emaciated enough to meet the bmi criteria of "anorexic". I'm not currently eating in a disordered way, but I wouldn't call myself recovered from that as I've relapsed before and probably could again.
Yesterday I was suffering SEVERE anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts. Today I'm "better" but only because right now I feel numb and dead inside.
I have no job and nobody wants to risk hiring me because I have a criminal record, which I will explain in a moment. Every time I apply for a job, I just get a letter in the mail saying they've decided not to hire me because of my background check, and they include a copy of my background check... as if I didn't know I had a record. I DID manage to get 1 job... kinda. It was at an auto auction. My job was to get in a car, drive it through the area where people (usually people who owned or worked for car dealerships) would bid on them, then park it again. When I applied for the job, that was the first job I was honest about my record, because a friend worked there and said they hire people with criminal records. I even made a note on the application offering to show them a letter from my therapist explaining my record, which I'll also explain in a moment. When I applied, all they checked first was my driving record, to make sure I wasn't a dangerous driver, and they filed the rest of my application. After checking my driving record, they hired me. I worked there for 2 weeks until I got a letter in the mail saying they decided not to hire me due to my record. My thought was "that's a strange thing to say considering I've already BEEN working for them for 2 weeks... and haven't stolen a single car yet!"
My record... I've been caught shoplifting a few times. Each time was during an extreme depression period... during my parents going through a divorce and me worrying about which parent I was going to live with because I couldn't support myself. My dad wasn't gonna let me live with him, and my mom couldn't afford to support me on her own. That divorce never wound up happening. The 2nd time was after my great grandma died. She was the most supportive person in my life. And the 3rd time was during ANOTHER time my parents were going through a divorce which ALSO never wound up happening.
Anyway, during those periods of depression, if I was in a store, I would just put things in my pocket... as if I was in auto-pilot. I wasn't thinking "screw the store" I wasn't thinking "I want this but don't have the money" or anything. I was literally thinking nothing. I just did it. In fact the last time I did it, it was a meat tenderizer that I put in my pocket... and I don't cook. The security was even confused by it. They asked "Why didn't you try and steal a movie or a video game?". My therapist wrote a letter to the court that I had kleptomania triggered by depression. And that was the letter I was going to show the auto auction manager.
So my most recent depression... I'll go through the thoughts I always wind up thinking, but I don't think these thoughts are the cause of my depression... I think my depression is coming on for no reason... and these are the thoughts that I have once I'm in that self-loathing state:
I'm an adult... I have no job and nobody will hire me. I will be a burden on my parents until the day they die... and then I will either be homeless or a burden on one of my friends. I also start wondering what my purpose is and what is the point of living. I'm accomplishing nothing. I'm a nobody. I'm a leach on society because I'm getting medicaid and food stamps since I'm unable to get a job. I'm going to die eventually anyway so why not make it happen today? I'm ready for whatever comes after life--whatever that might be.
I lost my last job because I'm trans. I had worked in that company for 7 years, but the company constantly moves managers to different stores, and my last manager was a homophobic "Christian" who often told me if it were up to her, I wouldn't work there, and that my "lifestyle" was against her morals and her religion. She eventually fired me for a "legit" reason on paper, but it was a nonesense reason. She was just looking for an excuse to be able to fire me. She fired me for leaving money on in a drop envelope on top of the safe. It was against company policy... but everybody in every store did it, it was EXPECTED of us. At the end of our shift, after counting our drawers down, we were expected to leave $100 in small bills--ones, fives and tens--in an envelope, that way if the next shift got a ton of twenties right away, they could exchange $100 worth of twenties for those low bills, then drop that last drop into the safe. THAT is what I was fired for... because it was against "policy". But every single employee did that in all the stores I worked at for them over the course of 7 years.
When I lost my job, I had to end my good insurance because I obviously couldn't afford it. Now I have medicaid. They don't cover the doctor, therapist and psychiatrist that I WAS seeing. I really miss all 3 of them. They were good. I have recently made appointments to start seeing a new therapist and psychiatrist... but my therapist appointment is in a month, and the psychiatrist appointment is in 2 months. That was the soonest both of them were available.
I don't know if I will be around for those appointments. I don't want to live... but I have no plans to actually end my life, as of now. I just really need some mental medications. My new primary/family doctor doesn't believe in mental medications. She won't prescribe the antidepressants I was prescribed from my previous doctor. She says I should see a therapist in combination with meditation and journaling. I already do both of those anyway but I have to strongly disagree. I NEED to be on mood stabilizer(s) and antidepressants.