I need help.

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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DragonflyErica
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Apr 14, 2016 9:18 pm

I need help.

Postby DragonflyErica » Thu Apr 14, 2016 9:23 pm

Background first:

I'm a mess of a person... I'm trans. Born with male parts and still have them but I am legally female now. I'm OCD, bipolar, schizoaffective (visual and audible hallucinations but less frequently now), was diagnosed EDNOS--Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified--back when that WAS a diagnosis, I've heard it was replaced with OSFED in the newest DSM. What that basically means is that I was anorexic but wasn't emaciated enough to meet the bmi criteria of "anorexic". I'm not currently eating in a disordered way, but I wouldn't call myself recovered from that as I've relapsed before and probably could again.

Yesterday I was suffering SEVERE anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts. Today I'm "better" but only because right now I feel numb and dead inside.

I have no job and nobody wants to risk hiring me because I have a criminal record, which I will explain in a moment. Every time I apply for a job, I just get a letter in the mail saying they've decided not to hire me because of my background check, and they include a copy of my background check... as if I didn't know I had a record. I DID manage to get 1 job... kinda. It was at an auto auction. My job was to get in a car, drive it through the area where people (usually people who owned or worked for car dealerships) would bid on them, then park it again. When I applied for the job, that was the first job I was honest about my record, because a friend worked there and said they hire people with criminal records. I even made a note on the application offering to show them a letter from my therapist explaining my record, which I'll also explain in a moment. When I applied, all they checked first was my driving record, to make sure I wasn't a dangerous driver, and they filed the rest of my application. After checking my driving record, they hired me. I worked there for 2 weeks until I got a letter in the mail saying they decided not to hire me due to my record. My thought was "that's a strange thing to say considering I've already BEEN working for them for 2 weeks... and haven't stolen a single car yet!"

My record... I've been caught shoplifting a few times. Each time was during an extreme depression period... during my parents going through a divorce and me worrying about which parent I was going to live with because I couldn't support myself. My dad wasn't gonna let me live with him, and my mom couldn't afford to support me on her own. That divorce never wound up happening. The 2nd time was after my great grandma died. She was the most supportive person in my life. And the 3rd time was during ANOTHER time my parents were going through a divorce which ALSO never wound up happening.

Anyway, during those periods of depression, if I was in a store, I would just put things in my pocket... as if I was in auto-pilot. I wasn't thinking "screw the store" I wasn't thinking "I want this but don't have the money" or anything. I was literally thinking nothing. I just did it. In fact the last time I did it, it was a meat tenderizer that I put in my pocket... and I don't cook. The security was even confused by it. They asked "Why didn't you try and steal a movie or a video game?". My therapist wrote a letter to the court that I had kleptomania triggered by depression. And that was the letter I was going to show the auto auction manager.

So my most recent depression... I'll go through the thoughts I always wind up thinking, but I don't think these thoughts are the cause of my depression... I think my depression is coming on for no reason... and these are the thoughts that I have once I'm in that self-loathing state:

I'm an adult... I have no job and nobody will hire me. I will be a burden on my parents until the day they die... and then I will either be homeless or a burden on one of my friends. I also start wondering what my purpose is and what is the point of living. I'm accomplishing nothing. I'm a nobody. I'm a leach on society because I'm getting medicaid and food stamps since I'm unable to get a job. I'm going to die eventually anyway so why not make it happen today? I'm ready for whatever comes after life--whatever that might be.

I lost my last job because I'm trans. I had worked in that company for 7 years, but the company constantly moves managers to different stores, and my last manager was a homophobic "Christian" who often told me if it were up to her, I wouldn't work there, and that my "lifestyle" was against her morals and her religion. She eventually fired me for a "legit" reason on paper, but it was a nonesense reason. She was just looking for an excuse to be able to fire me. She fired me for leaving money on in a drop envelope on top of the safe. It was against company policy... but everybody in every store did it, it was EXPECTED of us. At the end of our shift, after counting our drawers down, we were expected to leave $100 in small bills--ones, fives and tens--in an envelope, that way if the next shift got a ton of twenties right away, they could exchange $100 worth of twenties for those low bills, then drop that last drop into the safe. THAT is what I was fired for... because it was against "policy". But every single employee did that in all the stores I worked at for them over the course of 7 years.

When I lost my job, I had to end my good insurance because I obviously couldn't afford it. Now I have medicaid. They don't cover the doctor, therapist and psychiatrist that I WAS seeing. I really miss all 3 of them. They were good. I have recently made appointments to start seeing a new therapist and psychiatrist... but my therapist appointment is in a month, and the psychiatrist appointment is in 2 months. That was the soonest both of them were available.

I don't know if I will be around for those appointments. I don't want to live... but I have no plans to actually end my life, as of now. I just really need some mental medications. My new primary/family doctor doesn't believe in mental medications. She won't prescribe the antidepressants I was prescribed from my previous doctor. She says I should see a therapist in combination with meditation and journaling. I already do both of those anyway but I have to strongly disagree. I NEED to be on mood stabilizer(s) and antidepressants.

nenkohai2
Posts: 143
Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2014 12:43 pm

Postby nenkohai2 » Fri Apr 15, 2016 4:05 pm

Erica,

The injustice you have faced is outrageous and makes me quite sad. I'm so sorry you are having to endure this. I'm sure you've considered legal recourse regarding your former job, yes? The expense can be prohibitive. Perhaps there is a group/foundation/association that champion the rights of LGTBQ folks?

But, I recognize that moving forward with anything like that would require a lot of will and motivation - and depression can rob you of that. But, for what it may be worth, based on what you describe, justice is on your side.

I hope the new therapy situation can bring you some relief and new hope. You most certainly deserve it.

DragonflyErica
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Apr 14, 2016 9:18 pm

Postby DragonflyErica » Fri Apr 15, 2016 4:31 pm

nenkohai2 wrote:Erica,

The injustice you have faced is outrageous and makes me quite sad. I'm so sorry you are having to endure this. I'm sure you've considered legal recourse regarding your former job, yes? The expense can be prohibitive. Perhaps there is a group/foundation/association that champion the rights of LGTBQ folks?

But, I recognize that moving forward with anything like that would require a lot of will and motivation - and depression can rob you of that. But, for what it may be worth, based on what you describe, justice is on your side.

I hope the new therapy situation can bring you some relief and new hope. You most certainly deserve it.


When that manager started saying things like that, I started bringing a little audio recorder to try and get her saying that on tape... but I never happened to be recording when she said that stuff... so I have no proof and I've given up on trying to do anything about it.

I called the new psychiatrist and therapist to ask them to let me know if they had cancellations to let me know to bump up my appointment. I'm glad I did because the therapist DID have a cancellation, and my new appointment with her is on Monday. Thank god because I need someone to talk to. Thank YOU for responding, but the therapist is in person ya know. I hope the psychiatrist has cancellations so I get on some meds cuz the day before yesterday I was very suicidal and... I dunno, now that I'm thinking straight and not in deep depression at the moment, I think I wanna live.

100footpole
Posts: 477
Joined: Fri Oct 03, 2014 1:26 pm

Postby 100footpole » Sat Apr 16, 2016 11:54 am

DragonFlyErica,

I am reading the third of a series of three books about the roman orator Cicero by Robert Harris. This morning I came across a quote that made me laugh:

I tried to advance the Stoic argument that possessions and rank are unnecessary, given that virtue alone is sufficient for happiness, he threw a stool at my head.


In other posts I have mentioned a book by Viktor Frankl that you can read online: Man's Search For Meaning.

I have no advice for you except to say that your story is touching, and now is an important time to speak about it. The motto of this board is "You are never alone.", but as the quote above shows, not being alone is not equivalent to not being in pain.

With your wonderful voice I think you could speak for others in situations like yours who can't speak for themselves. Many people who are christians would be appalled by the way that your manager treated you. We see this in North Carolina and Mississippi, where I guess segregation seems to be the intuitive way to handle difference.

Your story shows that you are a gifted person who has been put in difficult circumstances that sometimes feel unbearable.

Your statement:

I dunno, now that I'm thinking straight and not in deep depression at the moment, I think I wanna live.


shows me that philosophy can work, even under terrible circumstances. Because philosophy helps us understand that while we have a choice we have a chance. Thankyou for writing. I wish you the best, and hope to read more from you.

stuckinapit
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu Dec 07, 2017 4:18 am

Re: I need help.

Postby stuckinapit » Thu Dec 07, 2017 1:28 pm

Erica,

I'm deeply, deeply, sorry for everything you've been through and the pain you have felt. I myself am not trans, so I can't claim to understand everything you've been through by any means, but I have felt the terrible, deep pain of depression and I have experienced the weight of wanting to die. it feels like betrayal. and i know you've been surrounded by people who just don't give you the chances or the help that you deserve. i just wanted to say that I'm here and I hear you and I don't believe that you are a criminal, or that you are unaccomplished, or that you are a leech. I believe that you are resilient and hardworking. the things you have been through.. I couldn't survive them. you are still here. and i see, even over an internet chat room, that you have a compassion and a drive that not many people can claim. you're not worthless. i hope this is somewhat helpful.

Iammeanduareme
Posts: 11
Joined: Sat Sep 23, 2017 8:50 pm

Re: I need help.

Postby Iammeanduareme » Fri Dec 15, 2017 1:46 am

You've got quite the list, I can't relate with some aspects of your current state of mind with the ocd or shizoaffective, bipolar.. but I admit I have partaken in the pilfering festivities. what a drag it must be to apply for a job only to be notified time and time again of your past. do u think it is fair that your employers should have a reason to worry about you. At any rate your just human still and as a fellow human, i hope you do obtain a job and that this new job can distract you from negative thinking because depression when your feeling so low and thinking about suicide, then that just shows how broken you are and how far your depression has drained you. Feeling that you don't have the energy to press forward. What they did to you at that job was just disgusting.. Forget that one woman too, I think Christians are good looking but I have to agree that perhaps she just wanted you to gone. Hope u learned something in your great time at that job, u and me both are still job searching however I can't work being undocumented but the search continues regardless. At any rate, I wish you the best in your job search and I do hope you find great friends because I would not wish you only speak. What I will do with my life tomorrow morning is buy a market board and make a list of my goals as well. I have improved my resolutions this year but the following year, I want to try hard even if I doubt myself, I want to prove myself wrong that I can exceed my own expectations and I have improved and reduced many bad habits this year.. I will admit that I do struggle with my own depression but really I have improved


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