If it was a Blaming Game (might be triggering)

[iamnobody]

Honestly. I don't know. I don't know when this pain started to appear. Or has it been there all along yet I only made sense of it recently? I don't know

If this where a blaming game I could blame my dad for leaving when I was born.

I could blame my mom for not loving me. I could blame her for the first time she hit me. I could blame her for the many times after that when she left my skin bruised.

I could blame my grandma for teaching me words I never knew to call myself until then. I could blame her for making me write them down so many times that they sunk into my brain and became my thoughts.

I could blame my cousins for bullying me. Putting the blame on me for everything.
I could blame their mother for breaking my nose for those lies my cousins told her.

I could blame my grandfather for making me finally eat. I could blame him for my becoming fat.

I could blame my first friends for betraying me. I could blame them for me being ill weeks on end due to their winter snow baths against me.

I could blame my classmates later in the years for bullying me. I could blame them for all the names they called me. I could say they are at fault for all the thoughts that go through my head now about my weight.

But then Id always come back to my mom and dad. Id always blame them more. Id blame my dad for giving me hope. calling once a year. Making me believe he will finally come and take me away. Making me feel that he might love me after all.
I could always blame my mom. For hitting me. For everything. For making me burn my hands so many times when she made me cook. Or the many times I had to clean because she wasn't bothered. the many times I had to look after my younger stepbrother like a mother would because she was too lazy to do so.

But honestly. Why should I blame them all. All I have is myself to blame.

I wasn't born a boy. That's why my dad left.
And if all the people around us didn't blame my mother for all that then she wouldn't have hated me.
She wouldn't have let out her frustrations on my body.
She wouldn't have had to move to different peoples houses.
I would not have got on peoples nerves so they wouldn't have beat me or called me names.
I wouldn't have started eating. I wouldn't have gotten fat. So therefore I wouldn't have been bullied for my weight.

My mom wouldn't have had to go through anything. She could have continued being in a loving relationship.

Everyone would have been better off.
I shouldn't have been born
All I do is cause people pain.
All I do is ruin everything.
All people did was tell me the truth

I'm worthless... Useless... Good for nothing... hideous... fat.. ugly... stupid... dirty....a fool....humiliating.....disgusting.....never good enough......