what if i am right?

[jake.x.99]

isn't it possible that sometimes a person might feel an overwhelming desire to end all of this not because they are depressed, and not because they want to "end the pain," but because it is the best rational choice under the circumstances? in my case, for example, i recognized that the best thing that i could for the people in my life who i loved -- the people who mattered most to me -- was to end my life so that i could no longer cause them the pain and suffering that i have already caused for far too long. i thought long and hard about how i could ensure that they would have the opportunities in their lives to be happy and successful, and i know, clearly and without being caught up by emotion, that this is the best -- the only -- way to be sure that they have those opportunities. but everyone assumes that, to have reached that conclusion, i must be "crazy" or overcome by depression and pain. simply because they cannot understand the logical process by which i arrived at this decision, they cannot accept the possibility that my conclusion is correct and that it is the very best thing for the people who matter to me. so . . . while i can consider these questions in a detached and dispassionate manner, others who haven't got the first clue what i have put my loved ones through, and do not begin to know me or understand me, make decisions about my life that are based on emotional responses to public and cultural norms. they put me in hospitals and insist that i give the "right answers" before i am allowed to leave. but isn't it just possible that i'm not crazy? isn't it conceivable that i might be the person best equipped to make this decision . . . and i might be right? how is it right that i am viewed as crazy or incompetent just because some doctor, based on a five-minute history of my life and some answers to standard questions presumes to know the best thing for me and for the people i love?

[jake.x.99]

i read through others' posts, especially those from people contemplating the same sorts of actions that i know i have to take. where there are replies to those posts, there is something of a consistent "theme" that goes something like this: you can't end this now because things might get better . . . happiness might be just around the next corner. while i appreciate that this belief is important and works for some people -- and honestly, is probably true for some people in certain situations -- it strikes me as the hollowest of arguments. there are no guarantees in any life. no one is promised happiness. just because you have suffered in life to this point, you are not entitled to an equal amount of happiness, or even a lessening of suffering, just around the next corner. sometimes life sucks . . . from beginning to end. some people live the entirety of their lives under horrible, unthinkable circumstances, suffering deeply every minute of every day. does this mean that, as long as they can get through that suffering, there is a cornucopia of happiness waiting for them over the next hill? sadly, that is not how it works in my experience. maybe suffering and unhappiness is all that some people get. and maybe, for those people, the best thing to do is simply "reboot" -- depending on your individual beliefs, maybe happiness awaits not around the corner, but in the "next life" (however that concept comports with your respective beliefs). that's where i am with this particular life -- there is no promise or expectation of happiness, and my continued existence is painful to the people around me who matter, so i owe it to them (and to me, too, i suppose) to "reboot." and insofar as no one on this site cares one way or the other (despite the adorable -- but decidedly not practiced -- catchphase, "you're never alone") i don't expect that anyone will comment; i just needed to get this off my chest . . . part of my final messages to the world.

[nenkohai2]

Hi Jake,

I'm not big on coddling when it comes to mental health. Having read your posts, I have a couple things to say and there'll be no confusing it with coddling.

What on earth gave you the idea that happiness is something to be found? It IS, however, something to be created. You want life to stop sucking? Change it. And be responsible for it. Certainly no one else is.

You're putting other people in pain because your life sucks? Dude, you need to get over that one. That is self-victimization followed by rationalization. And really self-absorptive at that.

I am NOT trying to put you down. No way am I trying to do that. But, Jake, man, I have been where you are and what I just said above are the hard truths. Insoluble. You don't like it? Change it. This is not a suggestion because you are solely responsible and no one else is going to do it. No one. I can't stop you from going down a self-destructive path. I just feel that everyone must be responsible for knowing what they need to be happy. Or.... knowing what makes them not happy. Process of elimination works, too.

Its up to you what you do with these ideas. Take me seriously or don't. Totally in your court. Remember: YOU choose which path. No one else.

[jake.x.99]

thanks for your reply, but i think you do not understand the point of my posts. i am most certainly NOT expecting life to change or anyone else to change my life, nor am i, hav i ever, or would i ever put the responsibility for my life -- good or bad -- on anyone else. my decision to do this is not because life has let me down, or because other people have failed to make me happy -- i believe wholeheartedly that those things fall squarely and entirely on ME. and while you're busy not coddling people, you ought to be aware that "just change it" is about as helpful as a nike slogan. i pride myself on being someone who is very capable of finding alternative solutions -- i built a career on that. but i have spent most of the past 10 years searching for ways to "fix" my life and remove the pain and suffering i have inflicted on my family, and there is none, so with respect, just "changing it" is not really an option under these circumstances. i cannot fix this, and i am not about to shirk my responsibility for having caused it (and thus, my responsibility to reduce the pain to my family for it) so taking this particular action is the right thing -- and frankly, the only thing -- to assure, as much as i can, that they have every opportunity for happiness. that you understood my posts as a self-absorbed whine that the world hasn't spoon-fed happiness to me reflects an utter failure on my part to communicate my thoughts, for which i apologize. nothing could be farther from the actual state of affairs.

[nenkohai2]

Then, I must apologize, Jake, for completely misunderstanding your situation.

[ginazz]

jake, I think I get what you mean--I, too, have always just felt angry when I'm told "it's up to you," "you're only looking at the negatives," etc. when one is that depressed , it's impossible to hear those well-meant remarks--just makes me feel like a worse "weakling," etc--sever depression won't LET you feel positive..the only thing I'm using this afternoon is that it takes REAL strength to stay alive when you cannot see a reason for it--no one who has never been this sad can know WHY "we" can't "just change it"--like don't they realize we would? it's like telling an anorexic to "just eat"
I hope this helps even a little

[NickStokes]

Thx for sharing anyway.