The Scariest Part

[rainybird]

Hi, my name is Rain. I am now 16 and will be turning 17 in April. For about two years now I have been struggling with something I just recently learned is depression. Half a year ago I started self harming and, I am ashamed to say I got addicted. I've only told a select few, and that does not include my parents. I'm afraid of how they'll react.

I used to think it was no big deal and that it was "just depression". I've proved myself very wrong. The scariest part is that now I don't want anyone to know. I don't want anyone to help me out of the grave I've dug. I have this safe place built up around me where all I can feel is the self harm. A part of me found depression to be a sort of crutch to help me hold the weight of the world, while the other half of me knew it was just dragging me further into my grave. Most of the problem is, even though a part of me felt safe, depression was tearing me apart layer by layer. What I thought I found was a safe place, when in fact is was the most dangerous. My mind was killing me.

When my very close friend first asked me why I self harm, he told me to try not to say the typical "to feel something". I nodded and told him that I started self harming to feel nothing. It was like a sort of numbing of my emotions and I found it impossible to cry or be openly angry. When I got addicted to self harm, I quickly forgot that I missed being sad, angry, and even happy. I guess I forgot what it felt like. Everything I loved doing became just another boring activity. Nothing seemed to excite me no matter how hard I tried. I never meant to turn out this way, but I made the choice to let the hatred I had for myself take over. It may have ruined my life, but at least I've still got one.

I am happy to say that, as of a few weeks ago, I have tried to stop self harming. It's been difficult since I feel as though I'm losing the only thing that's made me feel in control, but I'm beginning to open up more to myself. I still self harm, but it's considerably less than before and I'm very slowly progressing forwards. I'm not proud of my past, but I hope to be proud of my future.

I've been having a lot of difficulties and am constantly considering turning around and going back the way I came, but I hope I won't make a decision to prevent all others. I am starting to see what depression has done to me, and I hope that I can find my way out of it.

Sharing my story on this forum to people who can't see me and won't judge by my appearance feels like it may be the first step for me. Thank you for taking the time to read my story and I hope you will accept me, as broken as I may be.

[PixieArmy]

hello rainybird,

Im sorry you got to that point, but there is no shame on what happened. we deal the best way we can with the resources we have. Think you are very brave to share your story.

Stay strong, and hope you can find support you need here.

Pix