A Life Wasted?

[Shybugg]

I have never felt like I fit in, ever. As far back as I can remember there has always been this disconnect, for lack of a better word between me and everyone else. Like I am forever on the outside looking in.
I know i have a brain, I know I am smart...ish, but I am very practiced at self sabbotage.
I quit highschool at the end of grade 11, had to go back when i was 27, Health Care Aide course? Almost got myself booted out.
In 2005 I went back to college to become a unit clerk/medical secretary. I found out in 2000 that i had MS and it was now progressed enough that i could hurt a patient if my body decided to give out or do something wonky at the wrong moment. My depression got so bad by the end of the year long course that i was suicidal and ready to give up. One of my classmates went to the administrator about it and i denied it. I instead got mad at my classmate.
I have been sober since 1993, October 6th. There are many times i danced around the idea of just getting blind drunk and ending it all.
I cannot keep a job for more than 4 years, i call it the 4 year curse. Eventually the depression becomes overwhelming and I manage to either sabbotage myself and they threaten to fire me, or in the instance of my last job, I quit rather than blow 20 years of sobriety.
I had managed to convince myself yet again that i was unwanted by the other staff, not capable of doing the job, and just not worthy of the responsibility given me.
I have never been able to make real friends. After a while I convince myself that these people are just pretending to be my friend and that they really wish I would just go away. I always go away.
My daughter has been my only really close relationship, and yet, I feel she would have been better off being raised by my sister and her husband.
During my daughters wedding, the rehersal dinner and the wedding itself I sat on the side lines. I talked to almost no one, ate next to nothing and only interacted with someone if they initiated it. I felt like an unwanted observer in her life.
I stayed with a man I did not love for 13 years because I now realize that it was a form of self punishment. I felt like I deserved to be miserable. I let him treat me like crap, cheat on me, and make me carry the lions share of responsibility.
I am single now, and living on my own except for a lunatic cat.
I do not want another relationship, i do not want friends, I feel that my daughter is better off with her new family, her husbands family, so I keep my distance.
I am content to stay on the sidelines and let her live her life with these new, healthy family members. At least i know she is loved and is safe.
I have turned 45, i am unemployed, poor health, and overweight. And now, menopause. If I thought the depression had a firm grip on me before...I was sadly mistaken.
I am trying a new medication now for depression. I hope it works and I hope I can one day be worthy of her love and of other peoples friendship. For now I stay on the sidelines and try to remain invisible.
I want to be happy. I want to connect with other people. I just don't know how. I am even ready to quit the chat rooms on this site because i have managed to convince myself once again, that i am unwanted.
Hence, the title of this post. A life wasted.
I don't expect any responses to this post. I just felt the need to get it out of my system.

[raz]

You aren't worthless... It doesn't matter how long you've kept a job for or how well you fit in. You're a good person, and that counts for a lot. You are just suffering like a lot of us. Don't beat yourself up over it to make matters worse. Four years is actually pretty long. I've only kept a job 6 months max. You have a daughter. That's amazing. Congratulations. You are very lucky. And you are her mother. That is a sacred relationship, and i am sure she appreciates you in her life. Don't make a mistake and lose touch with your own daughter. I've lost touch with all my friends in my life. And i have trouble making lasting friends too. It sucks. Family is not something you should ever lose touch with though. Be well,
raz

[WillieWillieHH]

There are many ways that can change your life, the first thing to do is to love yourself

[100footpole]

Shybugg,

I just posted to someone's story, and felt bad about the tone because it could be interpreted as enabling unacceptable actions.

Then I re-read your post and WillieHH's reply and realized that Willie and I must have reacted to your post in the same way.

I remember being impressed with your devotion to your daughter as a single reason not to do something pointless, I remember not wanting to reply to your note because what do you say when someone's purpose has been fulfilled. I remember reading Raz's response and hoping that you would see that purpose is both self-creating and self-fulfilling. How can you have no purpose when your daughter wanted you to be with her? It seems to me that your daughter's marriage is the renewal of that purpose not it's fulfillment.

In support of this point, I needed to write this, because I felt my last post was somehow wrong or insensitive, until I re-read this post and realized that it was my inspiration for my thought ... however poorly described.

Thanks

[CrazyKiss]

Hi there, i think u are very brave in writing about how ur feeling right now. Not many people can do that, it shows u can and ur strong with what u say.

Im really sorry that u have been through a hard time time and u feel everything in ur life is for to blamed at. Im sure thats not true. We all think certain things are out fault but when se look at the bigger picture it tells us a différent story that not everything ia out fault.

Really good to know that u have alot of faith in ur daughter. I know thats a mums role and think u played that perfectly. No ones perfect but everyone expects a good mother role in their lives and that jeans something.

You said ur not anything for u to be recongised. I think thats a load of rubbish! How do u know that now u wouldnt be recongised. Whats happened has happened but we all look forward to future and urs is just starting by turning luck into good luck as things are slowly getting better.

I know once u have a job, a good partner, friends u once were in touch with or u make new friends and u get socislising. Everything will be alot better for u and u will know that. It takes time but will be worth it in the end. Im glad u got ur daughter as a good example to what u have and not what u dont have.

Could u explain in more detail what it life was like before when u was at school and left school? Were u feeling the same way as u do now and if so has that effected ur job at the moment? Wanted to ask this cuz it maybe u have been experiencing as u said Drpression for a very long time with out u realising.

Have u seen the doctor recenlty or? You mentioned medication. Is that helping? Hopefully by the seeing the doctor they can suggest further help for u. Therapist or somegroup classes for u to attend of other people experiencing Dépression.

Theres nothing to feel ashamed about. Everyone on here has ir is going through Depression. I am. I know how u feel but does get better and its getting u to want to get better before anything else happens.

For the relationship thing, u deserve better and anyone what cheats isnt worth it. Everyone Im sure does get cheated on. Its not nice but it happens. We get stronger and we move on. I know u will find someone better but if ur not ready to meet anyone then thats fine. Though there are says u can meet people and thats using online dating, meeting someone from Mutual friends wherever that would be, joining a group or club, going out to bars or clubs or work. Even if one doesnt work for u then u can try the other. Would any of those choices help u to meet someone? You could ask ur daughter about what u can do and they can help.

Carry on getting the help u need as this is a long term thing and only gets better if u stick to it in the long run. I know it will get better.

Good Luck.

[Shybugg]

I appreciate the responses to my post, did not expect any. This time of year is hard for a lot of people, I know that. I am trying to be sensitive to this.
I know to some it seems I have accomplished a lot, but here it is another year about to end. I am broke, jobless,m recovering from major illnesses, and thoroughly depressed.
I am supposed to spend x-mas eve with my daughter and I feel I should cancel. I feel like she will be relieved if I do. One less thing for her to be stressed about.
I truly feel like my purpose on this earth is done. I raised her, she turned out ok. She is where she should be, with a husband who loves her and his rich emotionally stable family. She has accomplished a lot despite being raised by me. I am no longer needed.
I need to stop kidding myself.
I think Iwill use this Christmas eve to do what I should have done the day she was born, I will use it to say good bye and let her be with people who she doesn't have to be ashamed of.
Because i know I am ashamed of me, and I know she is too.
Thanks again for listening.

[raz]

That's horrible... I would be devastated if i lost my mom at any age. And i did lose my mother to cancer before her time. We don't get the luxury of getting the time back that you and your daughter have now. It doesn't matter if you feel ashamed or not. You're her mother, and that means the world. Don't waste your life by not keeping in touch with family. You and her are family. Family is meant to spend time together. It's so easy to slink away and isolate when you feel ashamed, but not from family. Family are there to support you no matter what. I really hope you spend time with your family this Christmas. Hope you feel better soon! Merry Christmas!

[BarelyBreathing]

You and I are so much alike I felt the strong need to reply to your post. I'm 43, diagnosed with MS in 2011, recently had to stop working (insurance agent), have 2 sons, one of which is 22 years old and he and I are having some very rough times relating lately and it's killing me inside. I've been sober since 2006. I've also ALWAYS felt a disconnect from other people. I'm very good at pretending I'm someone I'm not just so I can get along but even that only lasts so long. It's exhausting.

I don't want to overtake your thread with my story. I will post that sometime. But wanted to say hello to you and tell you that you and I are so so so much alike. If you want to talk let me know.

[no_answer]

Take heart...Your life is wasted, but so it goes for everyone else you know and don't know, myself excluded. Even if you become the president of the world and solve all the social and economic problems, the human kind will forget you if not in 100 years, then in 1000 for sure. Just recall how many people from 1000 years ago you can recall whose life left any mark on the planet. I bet not too many, but there were many alive back then, thousands, if not millions.
...and thousand years will pass like a flash, just watch an see:)