im dying and no one cares

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Wed Sep 19, 2018 10:37 pm

I'm so sorry about your grandmother Rainstorm. She sounded like wonderful woman. A true inspiration. Grandma's are like that aren't they ? What a wonderful kind of love they leave behind inside us.

I just can't shake this emptiness inside me before I always could now I can't. I feel like I'm on this long black train ride into nothingness. ( if that makes any sense )

It seems like whatever can go wrong in my life has. My father is gone I miss him so much. I get so numb sometimes and that freaks me out. My mother is really having a hard time coping with it. She breaks down everyday so bad that the doctor has given her anxiety medicine. It's hard when you see your mother crying and there isn't anything you can do. She is really having a difficult time. Sometimes I worry about her too esp since she's had that stroke. She does not need this kind of stress right now.

The historical home that I've been dreaming about saving the life of is starting to fall a part. I always go there and visit it when I'm feeling sad and overwhelmed. The porch roof and some of the beautiful 101 year old pillars that hold the porch up has fallen down to the ground.

I stood there last evening just as the sun was setting. It was the magical time of day when only for a few moments both of the sun and the moon are in the same sky. The sun was right there with my heart shining in front of me and the moon was behind me. I just stood there starring at that beautiful old home that I love so much. It's dying just like everything else in my whole world is right now.

One more thing that I love so much and I have to lose.

What especially hurts is our towns County Commissioners gave the town people permission to raise money to save it. The people in my town raised a huge amount of money and was all ready to fix the windows and the doors and then start on the porches and the roof and the County Commissioners suddenly out of the blue changed their mind and said they would rather it be torn down and they forced all of the money that people donated to be given back. The people of my home town seriously raised thousands and thousands of dollars and the County Commissioners don't care and want to give all of the money back and destroy the home.

How cruel can you seriously get ? County Commissioners are people that should honor their promises not go back on them. They are people that the public should depend on and count on and be able to trust and have faith in. They are people of respectable authority.

So many people in my town love that old home. How could they sleep at night knowing they gave false hope to so many people and then ripped that away from them ?

I am so disappointed in so many people in this world.

Everything is changing. Does anyone remember how I wrote about how I love to sit out on starry nights and listen to the coyotes ? The coyotes aren't even around anymore. Huge gas well sites drilling for oil have moved in all over the country side and have run all of them out. Now instead of seeing beautiful quiet country roads all you see are huge loud massive sized trucks tearing everything up.

It's like everything that I've found comfort in this world in is leaving me. I feel dead inside like there isn't any kind of desire to find hope left. That kind of feeling use to scare me and I would always come back fighting. Now I don't even care enough to want to fight back.

And i'm just damned tired.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

Rainstorm
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby Rainstorm » Wed Sep 19, 2018 11:46 pm

I'm so sorry, Star. There are no words I can say to express my sorrow for you. I can't tell you what you should do, because ultimately that's your decision. But, I do want to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for your loss, your mother, your community, your enjoyable pastimes, but above all, you. I'm not pitying you, I just understand some of the things you've mentioned; not everything, because we all have different experiences and effects. You don't believe in yourself, but I do, and I'm sure other people do too. It's not easy and I can't give you a guide on how to fix the problems in life, because I don't know how to do that. I can't imagine the depth of what's happening to you. But, if nothing else, I'm proud of you. For doing your best and looking for things you enjoy. I want nothing more than for you to rise from the ashes like the pheonix that you are, and to believe in yourself more. However, I won't say what you need to do because the only one that can do that, is you.

When it rains it pours. I want to tell you I'm here for you. To listen and to help in any way I can. Feel free to let it all out; sometimes just having a listening ear and a welcoming arm can help more than all the advice in the world. I truly wish I could be with you and give you a hug. If I could, I'd get in the car and drive just to give you a shoulder to cry on.

Its been hard for you. But I want you to know, I love you and wish the best for you. If I could, I'd take all your pain upon myself, if only to give your shoulders a break from all that weight. Please let me know if there's anything I can help you with. I'll always be here for you, no matter what.

- Cassidy
(you've been open and honest, it's only right I do the same; afterall, you deserve to know what my name is, considering I know yours)

J.Bradley
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby J.Bradley » Thu Sep 20, 2018 1:52 am

I completely understand how depressing a dead end town can be. Shoot my town barely has enough traffic for a single stop light. I've had thoughts of suicide. I've had them of just harming myself in general. I've had my fair share of medical issues and scares from multiple surgeries. You aren't alone in this. If you ever just need to talk send me a PM. I dont sleep much as is so I should reply relatively quick. We all here support one another and that personally to me is a huge factor in getting through this.

Mg42man
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby Mg42man » Sun Sep 23, 2018 4:12 am

Hi there star.. How's life?

cricket
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby cricket » Sun Sep 23, 2018 3:19 pm

JonsDragonEyes wrote:
What especially hurts is our towns County Commissioners gave the town people permission to raise money to save it. The people in my town raised a huge amount of money and was all ready to fix the windows and the doors and then start on the porches and the roof and the County Commissioners suddenly out of the blue changed their mind and said they would rather it be torn down and they forced all of the money that people donated to be given back. The people of my home town seriously raised thousands and thousands of dollars and the County Commissioners don't care and want to give all of the money back and destroy the home.

How cruel can you seriously get ?d.


That is so sad, but somehow typical for our time :(
I did not read the whole thread but have you tried finding new people online? There are things like the Bumble App which is a pretty good tool to meet new people, in my opinion. Im a shy person myself, but i always find it easier to talk to people online first. Also there is no need to actually find someone in your city where chances are low as you said. Having relations and being able to talk to other people online, is better then having no one to talk at all.

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Tue Sep 25, 2018 11:54 pm

Thank you to everyone who responded. It really means a lot to me.

Things here aren't much better. My father's ashes was returned from the funeral home. A lot of things are going through my mind and my heart right now. It's hard to believe that he's gone. It's so hard to believe that what's left of his body is now sitting on a shelf in my home. It's really difficult to wrap my mind around it. Everything seems unreal like it's a bad dream and I'm going to wake up and he will be okay. But I know it's not a dream. It's very real and I'm never going to see my dad again. I'm never going to hug him or hear his voice again or see him laugh. It's crazy.

My mother's still having a hard time. She cries almost everyday and has to take anxiety medicine. And of course my niece who will never change always has to make things more difficult.

The other day my mom went out to pick up my nephew and took him back to my niece's house. As soon as he walked in the door my niece started acting like a jerk. All my nephew did was complain a little bit because the house was too hot. And it was too hot in the house because my mother herself said it was hot. As soon as my nephew started talking about how warm the house was my niece told him if he thought it was too hot then he could just leave and get out and go somewhere else and stay. In other words go somewhere else and LIVE. Yes seriously.

This is my niece's SON . What kind of mother would talk to her own child like that ?? My nephew was so upset that when he left the house and my mom drove him to a friend's to stay my mother said he cried the whole entire way to his friends. ( he's 17 )


Later that evening when my mom tried to call my nephew to ask if he was okay he wouldn't even answer the phone. My mom was really upset and she called my niece to see if she had heard anything from him but my niece didn't even want to talk about it. The only thing she wanted to talk about was the baby and how she wants to start entering her in all of the "beauty pageant's next year. Later when my mom finally got ahold of my nephew again my nephew told her that he can't understand why his own mom hates him. He said that all my niece ever talks about is the baby and how she never pays any attention to him. When my mom hung up the phone she said it's sad that she loves her own grandchild more than his mother does.


That's my niece. That is the kind of person she is. She's the kind of person that plays favortism with her own children. No mother should ever do something so horrible. My nephew has a lot of phycological problems because she has neglected him his whole entire life. My mother worries all of the time about him. She's scared to death he is going to have a breakdown someday or get into some bad drugs and end up dead. My mother has so much stress to deal with right now the last thing she needs is something like this.


I can't say this anywhere else but anonymously on here but my niece is a first class a***hole. She's the kind of person that could easily go out and have five abortions and it does not bother her one bit and then turn around and get pregnant on purpose and suddenly think she deserves all of the the rights in the world to be a mom. She plays favoritism with her daughter because she can dress her up in pretty clothes for everyone to see and put her all over social media and beauty pageants while she has a son that is literally begging for her attention.


Everyone in my family has tried to help my nephew....everyone.... but the one person he needs is his mother. If you want to fix any kind of problem then you have to get to the root of the problem and what's causing it. My niece is the only one that can truly help him and sadly she has all of her freaking priorities messed up. She's the kind of person that could treat one of her children badly and then stand there and smile ear to ear and want praised for being a good mom.


I will never understand how people like her can lay on their backs and pop out or kill off as many children as they want and then there's people like me who have to spend an entire lifetime in misery never being able to have one single child.


I'll never understand that.


There's a place outside my home that I like to go and sit. It's place down at the end of my driveway and on foggy nights I can watch the fog roll in far away from a distance. It comes rolling in from the creek bottoms and the fields and when it gets to my uncles cowfield it's turned into the most beautiful fiery golden glow. My uncle has these huge lights that light up his farmland at night and in the glow of the light when the fog gets near them the orange bulb turns all of that fog into a mist of fire and gold. It's so beautiful.


When the gas wells are quiet ( which isn't very often anymore ) I can hear my own heartbeat. I just sit there and watch that magic fog rolling in. It's my own private world full of all kinds of beautiful things and I can lock all of the ugliness out of the world. I wish it could last forever. Sometimes I hate to see the sun come up because it's so beautiful and peaceful.


I worry a lot about my niece's behavior. I worry she's going to cause my mom to have another stroke. If I lose my mom I will lose my entire world. She is literally all I have now.


Everyday I'm making myself stay strong but it's hard when you always have everything up against you.


I miss my dad. I'm worried about my mom. I'm worried about myself and my own health. I miss when life was beautiful but that seems like a lifetime ago.


Starlight forever ??? …. I don't know. I sure as hell am trying to hold on though.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

Rainstorm
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby Rainstorm » Thu Sep 27, 2018 12:42 am

I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry. You do not deserve to be going through this kind of torment. Honestly, if I were you I'd do one (or both) of two things. First, if your niece said one more thing about being a great mom, I'd throw it right back at her and say, 'to who?' because anyone who can simply right off their own child for 17 years, is not a good parent and won't be until they realize their own mistakes. If a person is too focused on themselves or unable to notice obvious things around them, they're only going to hurt the people they should love the most. I know that babies do take a lot of time and energy, but if you can't make time for ALL of your children then don't get pregnant in the first place or better yet, do what it takes to better yourself.

Secondly, because she is that way, maybe you could try to get closer to your nephew? If you could (and maybe you're not at the right place right now), maybe you could take him with you to watch the fog? I know it's your thing, but sometimes sharing something important to you shows more love and care than anything else; not to mention, grief/pain can sometimes be the best way to relate and form a better relationship with someone (even family). And if you can't do that at the moment, since you are having a hard time, maybe you could find another way to be there for him? (I'm not trying to force you into a corner, I'm just trying to do my best to help out.)

Sorry if I sound like a jerk. I just get really upset when people mistreat others especially their kids. My brother and his wife do the same thing to at least 3 out of 4 of their kids and it can be so frustrating and sad to watch. I pray your niece will be able to see her mistakes and fix them, for her children's sake as much as her own.

Please talk as often as you need to, I'll do my best to get back ASAP. I know I can't be there physically, but please know I'm with you every step of your journey and I pray for you and your family every night. I really do hope you can get better and I'll be sure to add your nephew to those prayers as well. I wish you the best!

There's a song I thought about right after I read your message. I'll write the name and lyrics below (I don't normally listen to this kind of music, but I heard this song and it touched me immensely and I hope it does the same for you.) The chorus especially made me think of you.

Believe by Yellowcard:
"Think about the love inside the strength of heart
Think about the heroes saving life in the dark
Climbing higher, through the fire
Time was running out
Never knowing you weren't going to be coming down alive

But you still came back for me
You were strong and you believed
Everything is going to be alright
Everything is going to be alright
Everything is going to be alright
Be strong, believe
(Be strong, believe)

Think about the chance I never had to say
Thank you for giving up your life that day
Never fearing, only hearing voices calling out
Let it all go, the life that you know
Just to bring them down alive

And you still came back for me
You were strong and you believed
Everything is going to be alright
Everything is going to be alright
Everything is going to be alright
Be strong, believe

Want to hold my wife when I get home
Want to tell my kids they'll never know
How much I love to see them smile
Want to make a change right here, right now
Want to live a life like you somehow
To make your sacrifice worth while

Everything is going to be alright
Everything is going to be alright
Everything is going to be alright
Be strong, believe"

Good luck, keep believing.

- Cassidy

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Fri Oct 26, 2018 5:39 pm

Thank you Rainstorm that really means a lot to me. ( hugs )

And wherever you are tonight beebz I miss your posts. I hope your okay and someday come back on here....Please do.

As for me. I'm doing my best to stay strong and positive. My niece still won't let her son come back home. She actually moved "boyfriend" number 2 in her house and invited his son from a previous relationship to live with the both of them. She gave her sons bedroom to his son. The other night he begged her to let him come back home but she won't let him. It's sad. Sad to the point where I can't even look at her anymore without getting sick to my stomach. She isn't family anymore to me.

It hurt him a lot that she won't let him come back home. And it also tore him up that she gave his bed away. He was so desperate to come back home he said he would sleep on the couch if she would just let him come home again and my niece still said no.


My mom still cries almost every night for my dad. It's so hard seeing her that way. I've started to dream about my dad now and it doesn't make things easier.


And you know that historic 101 year old building I've been trying to save ? I think I've come across a huge conspiracy by the County Commissionersin my town. Seriously. I have stumbled across some pieces of information that make me believe they are intentionally behind the vandalism that happened. Meaning they are secretly responsible for the vandalism because they want it torn down. That is so huge. I mean huge, huge. I have no idea how to prove it or stop them though.


I want to save this place so much. Right now it is my biggest dream and goal in the whole world to save this place and expose these Commssioners for what they are doing.


I love that building. It was with me during the most happiest times in my life when I was a child growing up. I have to save it. I just don't know how. And there is a long line of people in my community that want to fight the Commissioners too.


Wish me luck. I'll need it.


Starlight forever and ever and always ...
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Tue Oct 30, 2018 8:29 pm

I hope wherever you are tonight beebz and Cassidy your doing well.


Here. Not so great. Tonight I sat outside for a little while watching the clouds roll in. We are supposed to get rain for the next few days so I'm hoping I can see the stars while I can. While I was out there I seen an airplane flying really low. It was really pretty how the blue and red and silver lights kept flashing. I love watching planes in the night sky. Almost like stars that come alive.

I'm tired. I really don't know how much more pressure I can take. My niece still doesn't want her son to come back home. She wants him to move in with me and my mother now. My nephew has a lot of phycological problems. All of his life my niece has been treating him like a piece of sh*t and neglecting him. He has anger issues, he's on drugs, he's been in trouble with the law. My niece is the cause of it. I heard my own mother say those words. All of those years of my niece treating him like that has really messed him up. And instead of fixing the damage that she caused my niece drove him to our house and dumped everything he owns into the middle of our floor.

Do you remember awhile back when I posted about how they got that huge dog and it tore up our house ? For awhile he came and got it but now he brought it back ( since she kicked him out ) and now the dog is back in me and my mother's house.

This is a huge dog. Part lab and part pitt bull. She runs all over the house tearing things up. She's messed on our floor , she chases my rescue cats. She's driving my mother crazy. And my niece does not care one bit. My mother tried to put the dog outside and it once again broke it's collar and jumped up on our door scratching it trying to get back inside and has tore up a piece of the front door. Again my niece does not care.

And what is really horrible is the other night when I peeked out the door I seen my nephew hit his dog. Like really hit it.


We don't have any extra bed now so my nephew sleeps on the couch. He stays up literally all night long with the tv on and my house is so small that it's impossible to get a good nights sleep with the tv on literally all hours of the night.


I also walked into the bathroom the other day after he was done using it and I swear I could smell some type of drug. He was in our bathroom probably smoking dope.


I can't deal with this. It's too much. I'm still freaked out over my father passing.


Sometimes I wish I had died instead of my father.


This is crazy. I heard my mother on the phone talking to my sister and saying the reason why my nephew acts the way he is , is because my niece is a horrible mother. She phycologically damaged that kid for years and then thinks she can just abandon him because of that damage. It's sickening.


And she left it all for me and my mother to deal with.


i hope to God that nobody thinks I'm a horrible human being but I just can't deal with this right now. I love to help people but I also have to help myself. And right now I can't deal with all of this.


It's one of those times that I wish I could disappear and never come back.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Wed Oct 31, 2018 1:01 am

Sometimes I wonder if this is what the rest of my life is going to be like. It's so unfair to actually start getting better and my niece who cares for only herself comes and pushes me right back to where I fought so hard to get away from.

I'm glad for a night like tonight where I can see a little bit of the stars in the night time sky. Even though the rain clouds are moving in there are still some tiny pieces of silver sparkling, starlight shining through. It's that time of the year when it's getting colder but tonight isn't too bad to sit outside. I'm pretty much used to being in the cold anyway.

I can't remember if I already said this or not but my mom can't sleep in her bedroom anymore. She says it hurts too much because it reminds her of my dad and sleeping in there without him is too hard so I switched bedrooms with her. She's now in my old bedroom and I'm in my parents room.

I have all of my favorite things in the world. My favorite comforter blanket and my colorful, fluffy pillows. I am a pillow nut. I'm the kind of person that has to have a ton of pillows all over my bed. I guess because they are soft and bring me comfort and make me feel safe. I have all of my favorite pictures on my walls and my teddy bear is in a corner. I have a life size teddy bear that is about five feet tall and I put one of my fathers old shirts on it.

My radio is on my dresser beside my curtains and through my bedroom window my view is of the huge wildflower fields and my grandparents old farm. ( where now my Uncle lives )


All of my things are in my new room and it looks so pretty but it feels so empty. The only reason I am in it is because my father passed away and is never coming back again.


My sister tells me that my niece can't possibly take advantage of people forever but I really don't believe that. She seems to be one of those kind of people that can treat anyone as poorly as she can and always bve able to get away with it. You know boyfriend number three that I talked about earlier ??? A few years ago him and my niece stole several thousand dollars from my parents. My parents let him and my niece borrow money to buy a house …. (borrow not give) and they intentionally took all the money and refused to later pay any of it back.


A couple of weeks ago me and my mom got the rare chance for a couple of days to go out. Just me and her alone and have a ladies day out. We had lunch together and went shopping. My mom actually smiled and laughed and so did I. I think they were very tiny steps to both me and her finding little bit of happiness again. It was wonderful ..... but now all of this crap is just bringing us right back down.

I feel so bad saying this and like I said I hope that no one thinks I'm a horrible person but we can't fix the damage my niece did to her son. We've tried. Honest to God we have. All he ends up doing is screaming and cussing at my mom. The one person that can fix him is his mother because she is what caused him to be this way.

Awhile back ( before he came here to stay) I was cooking my mom dinner. I had just cleaned the house and outside the sun was setting and the whole sky was lit up and beautiful. Our house was quiet. It's sad that it's quiet because I miss my dad but there was also no crazy drama and extra stress. It was just a nice evening. I miss that. I wish my nephew wasn't living here. God that sounds awful doesn't it ?

I want him to get better and I want him to be happy but realistically the damage she did to him is so severe I think he needs a counselor or a therapist. My mom and I aren't qualified for that kind of thing. Hell, me and my mom are both emotionally and mentally struggling ourselves right now.

I just want the evenings back where it's just me and my mom healing toegether. No drama , no people screaming and cussing, no huge dog tearing up our house and scaring my cats and no worrying about him smoking "whatever" in our bathroom.


When you have tried as hard as I have to be happy again it's a slap in the face to have to deal with what my niece is making me deal with.


I think one of the ugliest things I've ever seen from her is how she treats her own son and then she walks around with a smile on her face grinning from ear to ear and bragging to her friends on what a great mom she is.


I bet they don't know how she terminated five of her own babies lives because she was pregnant with a married man's babies. ( boyfriend number 1 ) And then I have to sit and listen to her brag on what an awesome mom she is....


That day me and my mother went out shopping just the two of us. I felt more alive than I have in a very long time. I think that I could get over the pain of never having any chidlren of my own if I could just get away from all of my nieces crazy drama and just be allowed to live my own life.


My own life. Three of the most beautiful words I could ever hear right now.


I still think of that historic home that I'm trying to save. I feel like me and that home have so much in commin. Almost like we are one. I guess that sounds silly talking about being so close to an old building doesn't it ? But it truly feels like that's the truth. The building is abandoned and the County Commissioners won't let anyone save it. It's slowly fading away from the world because of neglect and harsh elements. So am I. My niece won't let me have the time to or the peace of mind to heal myself. And I feel like I am fading away from the world too.


I remember back when the building was in better shape and I stayed there with one of my sisters. There was a massive huge picture window on the second floor. It had the most beautiful view of the moon and stars. When I stood there I felt like I was floating an ocean of ebony black sky and the stars were my beacons of light in the dark ships of the night.


I'd give anything in the world to be able to go back in time and be there again. Back then the home was safer and so was I.


Starlight forever and ever and always ............


I hope always anyway
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Tue Nov 06, 2018 11:57 pm

I don't know where to start tonight. So many crazy things are going on in my corner of the world right now.

Winter is coming closer and closer everyday now. I can practically feel it knocking on my door. I sat outside tonight and I could feel the cold sting of it in the dark Autumn air. The stars were so freaking beautiful though. They were shining and lighting up every edge of darkness. Wall to wall brilliance. There were so many stars in the night sky they almost seemed to reach down and meet the ground below where I was sitting.

I've come to the serious conclusion that I will never truly find happiness in life. Everytime I think I've come close someone in my life rips it away. I think I will find bits and pieces of happiness. Tiny pieces here in there. Like when I see the beauty of a sunset or if I'm lucky enough to see a shooting star but as far as true happiness .... it's not going to happen.

The other day my nephew was screaming cusswords in my mother's face and I went to one of my sisters for her help. I have two older sisters. A nice one and a "not so nice" one. The not so nice one is my niece's mother.

When my father died my " not so nice " sister came to me and told me to take good care of our mom. ( because me and my mom live together ) I promised her I would always do that. Well , when my nephew started screaming the F word among many other nasty words in my mothers face I immediately went to my sister and told her about it. She ignored me. She won't speak to me and she did nothing to help me. I went to her a second time. This time very frustrated .... she ignored me again.

Why is she ignoring me all of a sudden ?? Because after all of these years I finally..... yes, finally got the guts to stand up for myself, put my foot down and refuse to let myself be taken advantage of and hurt anymore. Not too long ago and very recently I told her that I wouldn't help babysit for my niece anymore. Now she is pissed at me. She has basically left me and my mother all alone to deal with my nephew.

My own family member who has never had depression, anxiety, infertility, or suicidal thoughts in her life has turned against me because I finally got the courage to stand up to what was hurting me the most.


And my niece who is my nephew's mother still sits down at her house with not a care in the world happily jumping from boyfriend to boyfriend while me and my mother are desperately struggling and trying to deal with all of the phycological damage she has done to her own son.


I have seen so much ugliness in this world but I never seen this coming. I never thought my own family member would turn their back on me just because I am trying to protect myself from hurting more.


Where the hell was my sister when I hurt so bad I thought I was going to kill myself ?? And she seriously gets angry at me because I want to protect myself from ever feeling that way again. It's crazy. My sister also doesn't care or even realize that by ignoring me she is also ignoring our mother who is suffering. She is the kind of person who stands by her daughter even when her daughter is wrong. And it doesn't matter who gets hurt in the process.


I feel more alone than ever now. I still have my other sister who is really nice and supportive. She understands everything I've been through. And I'm verythankful for that. It's just the thought of one of my family members treating me so horribly breaks my heart.


Here is a little news flash for people who are unaware.


NOBODY asks for depression. Nobody wakes up of a morning and says, " Hey I think I will be depressed today." Depression is a horrible nightmare that nobody intentionally chooses to have.


Nobody chooses to suffer from anxiety. Anxiety is a terrible, horrific, unrelenting hell that not one person on earth wishes to ever have.


I also did not choose to have infertilty. It just happened. And I cannot make that pain disappear. It is a pain I will carry the rest of my life. And nobody has a right to force me to babysit if it makes me uncomfortable.


I am busting my ass to get better. I hate depression and I want to be happy someday.


I hate anxiety and I live for that wonderful day when I'll be able to kick its ass.


It's just damn sad there are people out there who feel like I should be punished for suffering through all of this.


The other day my mom came to me and told me all of this stress from dealing with my nephew is really bothering her. She just doesn't want to push the issue because she doesn't want to cause more drama. So she basically sits there and lets my nephew treat her like crap. And there is nothing I can do about it.

Nothing...


I don't even have any words to describe how helpless I feel right now.


And that 101 year old historic home that I'm trying to save ? I'm losing that battle too. And I don't know what to do to save it. Because our County Commissioners have so much power they are pulling every dirty, dishonest trick in the books and completely getting away with it.


Someone out there please tell me how in the world so many cruel people in this world always get away with their hurtful actions ??? I just don't understand how if there is a God he can let that happen. And please don't give me any of those speeches where you say God has everything happen for a reason. It's B.S. There is too damn many ugly and cruel things happening in this world for God to always make things happen for a reason.


I've lost a lot of faith in God lately.


For now all I have are the beautiful stars in the night sky to keep me company. They are the one thing that never leaves me. They are always there shining in the night sky leading the way.


Starlight Forever and Always .....
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Mon Nov 12, 2018 11:58 pm

I think if I was rich I would take my mom and run away. I would go far away to a place where no one could ever hurt us again.

Tonight was another one of those crazy nights where my nephew had more of his mood swings and was yelling and cussing at my mom. He finally stormed out of the house and left. I don't know where he went. He said he would be back later.

I went in the bathroom and seen my mom standing there at the bathroom mirror with blood running down her nose to her lip. She said her head felt numb. I'm not a doctor but I know it's from high blood pressure and stress. My mother gets nosebleeds when she's highly stressed out. Anxiety can also cause your head to feel like it's going numb. So can a stroke. I hope to God she isn't having another one.

Right now she's asleep in bed and it's almost midnight. And my niece is down at her own house sleeping peacefully like a baby. To me she is not family anymore.

I've had a lot of personal physical health issues and they are getting worse. I don't even know how much time I have left to live. I would like to think that whatever time period of life that I have left should at least be happy and stress free. But as long as there are people in this world like my niece who are selfish and cruel I guess it will never happen.


I can see the stars shining a tiny bit tonight but there are also lots of clouds with more rain coming in. The stars don't look as beautiful as they usually do. I see them with my eyes but their beautiful shine can't find it's way to my heart anymore. Maybe they never will again.


I just feel like giving up and completely disappearing forever......
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Fri Nov 30, 2018 6:06 am

There's been a lot of changes in the last week here for me. The other night when my nephew was at our house he pretty much lost it. I think it was all of those years built up from my niece neglecting him and lots of other issues going on in his life. He started going crazy. Like literally crazy. He had one of his mood swings where he started screaming and cussing at my mom again and then he turned violent. He started punching and kicking the walls of our house, he tried to tear our ceiling fan down off the ceiling. I called my sister and she called the police.

The police came to my house and took him away in handcuffs. One of the police officers who came here took one look at him and said he could tell right away he was on meth.

My mom of course refuses to press any charges. She said she could never press charges against a family member no matter what they did. And since he didn't try to physically hit me or my mom the police couldn't do a whole lot about it. If my mother had wanted to press charges they could have got him on domestic violence. When the police took him away they searched him over and didn't find any drugs on him at the time but they was clearly in his system. Or maybe he was coming off of them and was in withdrawal ???? I don't know.

I don't know anything about how the law works with drugs. I've never taken them my whole life so I don't have any experience or knowledge of how that works but I guess since he wasn't literally carrying any on him the police couldn't put him in jail. Which makes no sense to me. To me that is stupid. If they could see he was on drugs shouldn't that be enough ??? I don't know. It just seems crazy to me. That's a dumb law. Maybe the law works different in different towns ?? No clue. All I know is that is it doesn't make any sense.

Before the police came and when my nephew was screaming and hitting things in me and my mom's house he was also crying. He was saying that he hurt because he felt so unloved by my niece.

You would think that would give my niece a wake up call wouldn't you? You would think as a mother she would be crying and throwing her arms around her son and telling him how sorry she was and that she would do anything to help him. Well , she didn't. She had a very cold attitude towards everything. She actually blamed him. And while she was partly right because he is still accountable for his actions her not understanding the reason why he is hurting is so damn sad.

And a couple of days ago my mother and I overheard my niece trash talking me because I have anxiety and depression so bad. My niece says the reason why I have anxiety so bad is because I don't try hard enough to get better. She actually accused me of NOT WANTING to ever get better. And called me lazy.

I think her cold hearted comment even took my mother by surprise.

It is over with me and my niece. That is probably one of the most heartless and cruel things she could have ever said about me. I am a pretty forgiving person. I'm the kind of person that if you disrespect me or treat me like crap I usually forgive you easily and am willing to always give you chance after chance. This time I will NOT forgive those negative words from my niece.


That is a damn slap in the face for all of those years I did everything I could to hold on during my hardest times. It is also a slap in the face for everytime I hung on when I was scared to death I was going to actually kill myself. I am here today right now because I am strong and I DO want to get better. And I have came a damn long way. Just because I haven't got better as fast as she thinks I should does not mean I have failed. Or that I'm not trying.


What my niece said is unforgivable. She is an extremely cold hearted and selfish person who I do not want anything to do with ever again. I told my mother that she is no longer family to me. She is seriously dead to me right now. I do not even want to even look at her anymore.


I'm sitting here right now writing this and the sun is going to come up outside my window any minute. I am facing another day and I will see that sunrise because I am a survivor.


It's so unfair how we live in a damn world where a woman like my niece could act as horrible as she has done over the years and then think she has the right to judge me and put me down just because I'm different from her.


People with anxiety and depression heads up because you know what .... WE ARE AWESOME. We are warriors, we are survivors, we are fighters. Just because we have a hard time getting where we want to be in life does not mean we are less that anyone else. We know what it's like to come face to face with the darkest demons that life can throw at you and we know what it's like to constantly have to fight those demons. Maybe it takes us a little while to get where we need to be but that's only because we are tired. We desreve to be tired. We have a right to be tired. We've been through alot.


People like my niece will never understand our struggles. People like my niece will never have the heart that we do. Never.


We are truly amazing.


And I hope that whoever is reading this will always understand that.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Sun Dec 09, 2018 11:30 pm

Tonight I feel more lost than ever. And afraid because I don't know what to do anymore. My nephew isn't doing any better. He's still mean and moody and he still is dealing with drugs. After that day when the police came and got him from our house he has been staying with friends. Now he wants to come back to our house. And worse yet my mother is starting to feel sorry for him. There is nothing in the world wrong with that because we are family and that is very understandable but my mom still doesn't realize that he is still not safe to be around.


The last time he was here he was screaming vulgar language in my mother's face and he was kicking and punching the walls of our house with his fists and feet. He even tried to rip our ceiling fan from the ceiling. He has not got any help since then.

Since my mom didn't press any charges against him she told him that he could come back here with us. I guess she wants to give him another chance.


I can't go through something like that ever again. And I am truly sorry if that makes me a terrible and selfish person but I can't. It was terrifying to sit there and listen to him trying to tear up our house. A house that my deceased father worked so hard in his life to give us. I sat there and watched my nephew try to tear up our home and scream cuss words in my mothers face while he was standing right in front of my father's urn where his cremated ashes now sit. I CAN'T go through something like that ever again.


I love my mother more than anyone on earth. Anyone. But I cannot go through something like that again. I won't. And I can't help but feel so disappointed in her right now. My mother knows my nephew needs help. She is bringing a chance of us being in danger by letting him come back here like that.


I understand that my mother loves him and doesn't want to let him down but she also has to realize he needs help and he's not safe to be around. That doesn't make anyone a bad person for asking him to wait until he gets help first. He refuses to get help though.


And another thing that is worrying me tonight my nephew had another fight with my niece. My nephew wants her to stop with all of the boyfriends and just concentrate on him and his baby sister for a little while. He hates the fact that my niece always puts her boyfriends before her own son.


How did my niece react to him saying that ??? She says it's too bad that he feels that way but she wants to be happy and she said she will live her life anyway she wants. So in other words if that means putting her boyfriends before her son, she will put the boyfriends first. He is basically in other words just going to have to " deal with it."


That means when my nephew comes back here to stay with me and my mom he is going to be upset from that fight and possibly take it out on me and my mom again. He always does.


Tonight after my mom went to bed I went outside and sat all by myself watching the stars. It's cold now and in the 20's. I just sat there and cried for a long time. I'm all alone in this whole world and don't have anyone. For the longest time I let my niece push me around and force me to babysit when it made me so uncomfortable. For a the longest time I secretly blammed myself.


I told myself I was being selfish. I told myself I should just somehow force myself to deal with the pain .... and it almost killed me.


I can't do that again this time. I hate the fact that my nephew scares me, but he does. And I refuse to live in a house where he could possibly lose it like he did and have another one of those crazy breakdowns.


But how can I tell my mother that without hurting her ??


Tonight I thought about running away. My sister told me if I wanted to come and live with her I could. But then of course that would mean me leaving my mom all alone. How can I do something like that ?? It would make me a horrible human being wouldn't it??


As I was sitting there looking up at that huge black sky full of stars I wished my dad was here. I felt safer with him there. I'm a grown woman but I feel so damn lost and helpless right now.


Life shouldn't be like this. It shouldn't.


I have a little money saved back but it's not enough for me to live on. And like I said I have physical health issues that would make it difficult if I ran away. But still I feel like just packing up and leaving. Going to a place where no one will ever find me again and just start life over again. I want to try to find happiness in life before I die. I deserve that.


It hurts. It really does. To be in so much damn pain that I don't want to die but right now I don't really want to live anymore either.


To be stuck in between wanting to live and wanting to die is the worst feeling in the world.


And to be stuck in between wanting to live and wanting to die and being all alone is even worse than that.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

Tom39
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby Tom39 » Wed Dec 19, 2018 4:46 pm

I'm so sorry to see you feel like that. I live in a fairly rural area in MD myself. Although this area has grown significantly in recent years, it's still a lot of farm land mostly. My family did farming and that's how I grew up. I no longer do any myself, but that's the life u came from, and I loved it, and still miss some things about it.

In high school, I really had no friends and was bullied pretty bad because i'm overweight, and larger ears, so I know the devastating feeling of feeling like you have no one but family.

My family is all gone, i'm the only one left, but now I do have an amazing group of friends, and all of us will do anything for each other.

You can feel free to send me a message or whatever if you need someone to talk to. Even though we don't live in the same area, i'm happy to offer you my contact info if you want, and I'll always be willing to listen. No one should feel alone, and if I can help, I will.


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