Mercy, I don't know where to start. I just know that I'm all alone right now and have all the time in the world to do nothing or something. I can type nearly as fast as I can talk; therefore, If I make an error or a sentence doesn't' make sense, it is because proofreading is for the insane. faq that sheet. I have a potty mouth and sometimes I think it's the only thing that gets me through anything.
I freak a little how much our lives are the same ie. being the only one taking care of your folks and childrens things being wall to wall in your home, yet no children. I lost my grand daughters, again (they're alive) I'm just not welcome in their lives, again.
Every inch of my home, well let me put it this way, they've lived here recently for a year, so you could imagine how it looks here. I still have their pets that I have to take care of and their room that has 60 feet of tooling flowing wall to wall and hanging over their princess bed via a hoola hoop that I made myself for next to nothing.
I've always wondered about keeping a journal when I met people who do, but I never quite could get into it. This forum and this moment lets me get it all out and know that maybe one or two people are reading and think of me.
I've never ever ever thought of myself in life. It just occurred to me, this late in life, that I've never thought of myself. Thats ok tho. I recognize that is the reason creation put me here. Its in my DNA to give give give be it time, money, tears, blood, sweat, hardship you name it. Those things are the only things my soul seems to feed on ..... however..... when I find a moment to myself, by god I run with it. I usually shed some tears, breathe deep and just sigh at the nothingness, the nothingness of flying a kite, the nothingness of riding in a car going no where, the nothingness of being on the floor with my pets, the nothingness of talking to my bird, we laugh together, my parrot and I. I laugh at my parrot because he laughs at me, then he laughs at me again because I am laughing and I laugh again so hard and loud that I have to take a deep breathe, so he laughs again and mimics my "deep breath" so I laugh again and this goes on and on at least 26 or so times. When we are done, I have laughing tears in my eyes and whatever chemical is released from laughing, I feel "high". I love it. I did it last night. My husband doesn't get it - I am on 40 years of him "not getting it" but "for better or worse".. Again, given the chance to create the perfect human, I can guarantee you'd say, oh sheet, I forgot to add this or that and you'll end up with an imperfect human, just as you are and just as I am. I hope that makes sense.
I just got back from Germany, a work trip, a "take your wife to work week" as we jokingly call it. THAT was my paradise. A whole lot of nothing and everything. No worries other than driving down a one way street and another time ending up driving in a "no driving paradise" of tables and chairs and "pedestrian only zone" - and wanting to go as fast as possible on the no speed limit autobahn. joy joy joy, living on bread, rolls, pastries and gelato (sp), eat the gelato, walk 100 feet and get another gelato. Sightseeing on the Rhine River wondering what those humans were thinking when they built those majestic castles on those cliffs. Man woke up one day and said "I want a castle" with no modern tools, amazing, just amazing.
We were so fortunate, the weather was perfect, and I mean perfect.
Back home now, is gross, more hot and humid than the Amazon ! ewwww to the 10th power !
Funny thing is, all the leaves are on the trees, so you only get to see the leaves. Its like driving roads of walls, you cant see anything but whats in front of you. I think it literally hits you like a wall. I do not prefer cold weather, but driving in mountains and hills without leaves lets you see into so many more dimensions. You can see the lay of the land, and especially when you are in the mountains and you see 5-6-7-8 layers on and on and on I think is so much more for my mind to play.
It, our trip to Germany was perfect none the less. We did have one big blow up and fought like we were fkng 3rd graders dammit, but it passes and we went on with our trip enjoying what seems to be our only thing in common.
I lost my beloved dog. I've lost a dozen dogs but this one is killing me. He wasn't right in his head and we always joked about it. I didn't trust him, he had food aggression, liked to run away like the wind, things like that, but he was perfect for my love and he knew it and he lived a beautiful life with our family and now I can't even say his name. I miss him horribly. I feel the hurt in my breastbone.
Its been months (I think) since I lost him.
When I got back from Germany I rescued a little mutt. I currently have an 85 lb Boxer, usually I have 4 dogs at a time, but was down to one large dog. I rescued this little one. She is breathtakingly pretty, but mercy, beat the ship out of all of us when we brought her home. She bit me and my big dog more times than I can count. I thought, "here we go, life as I know it is over" - I was so disgusted because I'm not in the mood for more negative draining crap in my life, yet I don't give up on dogs or (some humans) and I would not return or give up on her and I just thought life is going to suck now because she is such an ass. Here we are, several days later, and with my expertise, she has improved 95%. Amazing, just amazing. So now I am eyeing another dog I want to rescue in addition to her.
"I've always described depression as your heart wanting to desperately stay alive but your mind wanting to just die."
My take on this is, I'm tired, I'm so fckng tired. You don't want to die, but your head, mind, body, soul and daily life are draining, I am so tired when sht hits the fan. I live with my folks, nearly 90, both of them. Its hard, its damn hard, I'm sure you can imagine without me going into details, and I am the only one, no one at all to help me. I'm tired.
The granddaughters are out of my life because of drugs. Their parents lives are complicated so I end up not seeing them for whatever their current situation is. Its just a hurt that never goes away. There are 3 humans in my life that I love so deeply; my first born son, and his two daughters. They are on the same planet as me yet I don't get to be with the physical being of them.
When I flew over the Atlantic recently, I tracked my journey via video, and saw my plane and nothingness and ocean. I was not part of the planet, I was above all of creation and what goes with it; I thought how insignificant we really are in the grand scheme of things yet this little bloody heart that beats feels so much pain from what we have to go through when our feet on on the earthly soil. When I was in that airplane I was gifted with nothingness. I allowed my head to rest from my life, and enjoy, enjoy peace and nothing.
I know I'm strong I've made it this far but I'm so damn sick of life being ugly. I want life to be beautiful and safe again. I know life can't always be easy. I understand that. But I need a break for awhile. I need a long stretch of time when life just stays beautiful so I can heal again.
Mercy, in my 20's and 30's my life was perfect and I use to verbally say so; not so much now. I think it's all part of the plan, whatever that is. You can't control that your folks get old and you have to take care of them and all the bad (cancer for one, unable to walk for the other) that goes with it. Getting old generally sucks. I have health issues of my own and as soon as I pay thousands for one issue, another one pops up and this doesn't/hasn't stopped for as long as I can remember. At least the last decade. The last decade of my life has been like earthly torture. You cant help what a family member does, or doesn't do, only when they were minors/juveniles did I have *some* say so but not so much now. Even my elderly folks misbehave yet they don't know it crushes me; its exhausting taking care of both parents, alone.
Then when you have grown children and one is succeeding and one isn't. Then somehow, the things I've seen in movies and books are happening to me. This morning I felt like his life disappointments are/were my fault. I could have or should have done things differently. I baby'd him too much, I gave him everything, I didn't let him fail. hurts, hurts so much, awful.
I need a long stretch of time also, where things are normal, what is normal, relaxing I guess. No more sht hitting the fan for a whole fcking month, maybe 6 months, or a whole damn year. But I don't see it coming right now.
I thank creation that I can get on the floor and hug my dogs and laugh at my damn bird.
And I've pretty much given up on my niece. I'm totally done with her.
It took me nearly 20 years, but I let go of my son. I had to. You cannot let her do this to you, its not right, its sick, you are letting it happen, disowning a family member is awful, but she is making you *ill* - you'll get it in your own time. No one could have told me about my son, I had to do it on my own time. I was an awful enabler.
Why live when life keeps taking everything that your living for away from you ??
Well well well, because there are stars in the sky, for your eyes, your soul, your being, your human cells, your breath and your heartbeat.
I try.
I've live in the woods, no curtains, no blinds (that I utilize). I've had to shut them lately because a neighbor a few acres away is a fcking nut case. Last night I was pisst, I opened both blinds and practically the whole wall is glass/windows, and I just stared at Mars. Mars has been so big and so orange lately.
I lay in bed and look at the nothingness and think good thoughts, or at least try to. I guess I was also thinking about my new , I mean "used" dog that I rescued and how she was on the bed with me and how I wished she got a little closer and cuddled with me but its just not her time yet, but she will.
My biggest hurdle today is mowing grass. It is nearly 90 and 80% humidity and so ewwwww out there. Tomorrow is rain, I think the next day is rain, so my only thoughts have been, "what time of the day today will I ride around on the 5 acres of green blades" lol......
What would happen if I didn't mow the grass? It'd grow? The neighbors would gossip? We'd have to mow it twice because the mower would bog down if I let it go? Who gives a flying fck - is the grass really that important? really? I use to think it is, but its not. My head of pure nothingness and relaxation, a break from all the ugly is more important.... like not mowing the grass if I don't feel like it - but today, I will. I will because I will sweat out toxins, maybe catch a little tan, ride around making line after line of *perfectness* - letting my head just rest. I really do like mowing - I just don't like people telling me *when to do it* - in this case, its my own thoughts and and the coming weather dictating when to do it or not. Does that make sense? lol
I wish I could say something or do something to make it all better for you, or say, *this too shall pass* (which is bullsheet) lol
But this is it, this is really it. If you didn't have things going on, good or bad, what would you do? who would you be? what is it that you are looking for? perfection? Did we ever really have that perfection we thought we had?
This little planet, and game of life ;which if you are high up above the planet and look at it that way, is comical.
Its just people so tiny, running in circular directions every single day of their life doing the same thing day in day out day in day out, like little rats *the rat race* as they say. It has to be, it is what it is. This is it.
Now.... find any little thing you can to make that *booboo* feel better. I have had enough boo boos in my life for a dozen people and then some. More sick and twisted things have happened to me and still are; but thankfully, somehow, somewhere I find my *me* ; which again, are my pups, drinking warm Coke, having a sip of wine and feeling giggly, mowing, flying a kite, having a picnic, going to the park, riding around in your car like your 17 again, going no where. Looking at nothing and everything. Watching my hummingbird and spying on her babies when she's not looking - you *get it * Sky - you get it.
Strength is inside of you, its your OWN heart and soul that is here for a reason even if only to praise your folks in their ending years. Its tiresome, it hurts sometimes, but I hope you go on. I hope you go on. Go find your nothingness and just breathe deep.
I wish you could find a partner, man, woman, child, anyone human - have you ever thought of being a mentor?
I have - share your heart and soul with a child who is a stranger to you but has a horrible life and you have gifts to give in the sense of your heart, soul, love of nature, animals, giving, sharing, loving the simple pleasures in life. Not many people know what they are, but you do - and possibly you can share that with a lost child. The creator knows there are so many lost souls right now- and maybe you can find one in a child that is suffering from parents who simply suck as parents, or are on drugs. Theres a whole lot of kids out there who deserve better.
Time for me to fly -
I've typed as fast as I can talk it seems.
I haven't re-read what I wrote and I think there is probably more in me right now, but I'm going to take a break and look out the window. lol
This hot humid sh*t blows but I guess a tornado taking it all away from me could be worse huh? Lord knows what the hell I'd do in that situation. I'm not in the mood for that sh*t so I'll take this hot humid gross weather and deal with it and simply know that today, this moment in time, is all I have. I think I'll open the fridge and eat some cheese and crackers for now. That sounds good for this moment in time..................................