im dying and no one cares

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Olive
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby Olive » Sun Feb 04, 2018 7:19 pm

That’s so powerful :) I have always found it to be so hard to assert my needs and aspirations when they conflicted with the agendas of the people around me. That is so genuine. I think there is courage in just having the fortitude to say what is yours and what is not hers :)

Thank you for sharing that :)
~Olive

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Mon Apr 16, 2018 12:14 am

Well... here I am again. I try as hard as I can to stay away from here because I want to believe that if I try hard enough things will get better. And sometimes it really does work. But it doesn't help things when you feel like you have the whole entire weight of the world on your shoulders.

My mom is doing okay. I don't think she will ever truly get back to the way she was before her stroke. I guess that is understandable after all considering she is 75 years old. When she walks she walks with a small limp because the stroke affected the left side of her body and her shoulder gives her a lot of pain and difficulty. She gets tired really easily too. Sometimes doing the smallest of things make her exhausted.

You would think that would make my niece back off a little wouldn't you? But no, it hasn't.

Last night when my mom was sitting down resting my niece called her on the phone and said she wanted to make cupcakes for the baby but she was completely out of eggs so she actually expected my mom to get up and drive into town and get some eggs for her. And know this ... me and my mother do not even live in town. We live all the way out in the country. My niece on the other hand lives in town. The grocery store is literally one minute away from her. She could actually walk to it if she had to because it is right at the end of her block. My niece does things like this all of the time...... ALL of the time.

Last night after my parents went to bed I sat outside all by myself and just watched the night sky for the longest time. I think I could have set out there forever. It's spring time here and everything is slowly waking up and bringing forth life again just like waking up from a beautiful dream. The first of the flowers are starting to bloom and the green leaves on the trees are peeking out. The air is warm and sweet and feels wonderful on your skin. I love to watch the stars shine and the airplanes all the way up in the black heavens blink with their colored lights.

I bet whoever is up inside them flying has no idea someone like me is setting there underneath them wishing I could fly like they do.

I'm strong damn it. I know I am. I've proved I am but I hate how every single time I start doing a little better people like my niece keep pushing me back.

I'm scared sometimes that she is going to make me lose my mom. She expects too much of her and she could very easily have another stroke and might not be lucky enough to survive another one.

And my niece actually had the nerve to ask me and my mom to start babysitting again.

I think the most painful time of the day is when she comes to pick up the baby after we babysit for her and I have to sit there and listen to her go on and on about what a gorgeous baby she has. She even laughed at my house because my floor was covered with baby toys. She thinks it's hilarious that my whole house looks like a day care center. She doesn't even care that after she leaves and goes home with the baby I have to sit there and pick up all of the toys and try as hard as I can to hold it together and not cry.

I hate how I still have to deal with this all by myself. Sometimes it scares me because I start thinking I would be better off dead. It scares me because I know damn well I don't ever want to die like that.

Last night when I was sitting out there watching the stars I couldn't help but think to myself everything feels like the beginning of the end and that terrifies me.

Everything I love is slowly slipping through my fingers and I'm trying as hard as I can to hold on to them so I don't lose them. I'm scared about losing my mom, my dad who is now in his 80's has a heart condition and his heart is now down to only functioning 14%. He suffered a massive heart attack years ago, has had a pace maker put in and also went through prostrate surgery and heart failure. All in these last few years.

My health myself isn't in the greatest condition either. I've had a lot of women's "female" issues and scares and a few other medical scares. Plus add depression and anxiety from all of that stress on top of that. Sometimes I wonder how much more I can take. Both in body and mind.

And does anyone remember that historic home I was trying to help keep standing? I was helping a woman who is in charge of a Restoration Committee to save it? We are losing that battle. The County Commissioners are fighting us every step of the way and are doing everything they can to have the home demolished and torn down. They are even playing every dirty trick in the book and they can get away with it because they are "high" in power there is nothing we can do about it. It's heartbreaking beyond words to lose that battle and know there is nothing we can do to save it.

One of my favorite places in the whole entire world is going to be destroyed. Demolished torn town piece by piece.... It's one of my favorite places to go when I am sad. Where will I go now?

And I miss talking to people online but I'm scared. After that whole Angie, Vicki lie I can't bring myself to open up to people again. There is a very small handful of people ( about 5 ) that I talk to once in awhile but every time I start getting ready to open up to them and let down the walls I get nervous again. I just can't bring myself to ever feel safe online again after what happened.

And now I lost one of my rescue cats. He was a crippled kitten from birth due to a birth defect. He fought a long hard life but in the end couldn't make it any longer. I know just how he must have felt. I miss him I want him back. I just want to wrap my arms around him and hold him again.

Everything that helps keep me strong and holding on I'm losing.

I'm tired. I still wish someone was here to hold me and hug me and not let me go. I have fought for so long all by myself and now I'm even more tired than ever. I'm not exhausted because I am a quitter. If I was a quitter I would have quit and gave up a long time ago. I'm a survivor.... but even the greatest of survivors can't be expected to literally face everything all alone.

Like I said a thousand times before. I would give my entire body weight in gold to just have someone hold me. Save me. Hold me up so I don't have to keep fighting all of this all by myself.

But there is no one here.


There is a song by Miranda Lambert that I've been listening to and can really relate to. It's called Tin Man. Like in the Wizard of OZ. You know how the tin man was always wishing for a heart so he could feel love ? I bet if he was real he never realized what he was asking for because having a heart comes with a big price....

Hey there, Mr. Tin Man
You don't know how lucky you are
You shouldn't spend your whole life wishin'
For something bound to fall apart

Everytime you're feeling empty
Better thank your lucky stars
If you ever felt one breakin'
You'd never want a heart

Ohh, ohh, oh

Hey there, Mr. Tin Man
You don't know how lucky you are
I've been on the road that you're on
It didn't get me very far

You ain't missin' nothin'
'Cause love is so damn hard
Take it from me darlin', you don't want a heart

Ohh, ohh, oh
Ohh, ohh, oh

Hey there, Mr. Tin Man
Glad we talked this out
You can take mine if you want it
It's in pieces now

By the way there, Mr. Tin Man
If you don't mind the scars
You give me your armor
And you can have my heart

Ohh, ohh, oh
Ohh, ohh, oh
Ohh, ohh, oh
Ohh, ohh, oh - Miranda Lambert

Starlight forever and always
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Tue Apr 17, 2018 3:24 am

I think I've made one of the hardest decisions in my life and that is just to give up on pretty much everything. I tried as hard as I could to hold on. I gave a good fight. I gave a hell of a fight but it just wasn't enough. I climbed that huge mountain and got to the top and realized there is still no one there. And I'm tired of constantly fighting and holding on just to be all alone in the end.

I've seen a lot of ugly things in this world. I see people hurting other people, people miss leading other people, people using other people. I just don't want to be a part of that world anymore.

There will always be that next beautiful sunset to reach out for but as for me I'm too tired to wait for that next one. I think I will carry with me all of the ones I have seen in the past and that will be enough.

As for me I have taken all that my heart can possibly take...
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

Second_hand_Angel
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby Second_hand_Angel » Wed Apr 18, 2018 10:47 pm

I want you to do something for me. Sit down and have a good cry. Get angry, hell throw things if you have to. We all deserve the right to vent out sometimes. It's perfectly okay. Nobody can blame you!

Nobody and I mean nobody has a right to treat you or your parents the way you have been treated. So the woman who has had multiple abortions laughs at the woman who can never have children and spends her life picking up her child's toys. That says everything about her character. You do not have to be punished for her inconsiderate ignorance. Do not shut down because of a low person like that.

Another thing. If someone would treat my mother after she's recovering from a stroke like the way she treats yours, she would get those eggs delivered for sure. She would also get them thrown at her. Sorry if that offends anyone that is not my intention. But I do have freedom of speech and that is how I would feel under that situation. I am not saying that you should actually do something like that. It just sickens me on how she puts so many unfair demands on you and your parents.

As far as the Angie, Vicki saga. Star, nobody can blame you for needing lots and lots of time. Your head was messed with for 11 years by these people making you believe you were talking to someone that you wasn't. That does not go away overnight. Truth is, I don't know how long it will take. You have 5 new friends you talk to now though. That is great! That is a start. Don't feel like you have to rush it. You will get there. I promise. Nobody should expect you to rush something like that.

Anyone who tells you to get over it and stop living in the past clearly doesn't understand the concept of time. If you are feeling it now - it's the present.

I said this once and I will say it again. You have the capability to help people Star and I truly believe that. You have a gift with your words and that can take you very far in life. I honestly believe that is your life's purpose.

" Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising everytime we fall " - I need you to remember that.

I was thinking tonight one of the saddest things in the world is people who have an overwhelming amount of love in their heart to give someone yet they always seem to give it to the wrong person or are never able to find the right person. That reminds me of YOU.

many prayers go out to you and both your parents.
please take care of yourself

Second_hand_Angel
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby Second_hand_Angel » Sun May 20, 2018 1:30 am

Here is something that I hope somehow finds it's way to your heart and gives you a bit of hope in your darkness.

We all start out knowing magic. We are born with whirlwinds, forest fires, and comets inside us. We are born able to sing to birds and read the clouds and see our destiny in grains of sand. But then we get the magic educated right out of our souls. We get it churched out, spanked out, washed out and combed out. We get put on the straight and narrow path and told to be responsible. Told to act our age. Told to grow up, for God's sake. And you know why we're told that? Because the people doing the telling were afraid of our wildness and youth, and because the magic we knew made them ashamed and sad of what they'd allowed to wither inside themselves," - Robert R. McCammon

This quote reminds me of you. How tender hearted and straight from the soul you are. And how in this cold cruel life you still find the innocent beauty of the stars and sunsets to be so hopeful. I also love the post you wrote awhile back about the teddy bear.

I also see something very genuine and childlike about you. I see it through the way you write. Do not misunderstand. That was not meant in a negative way. That is actually a compliment. Read what I wrote very carefully, listen to your heart and I think you will understand.

You are an extremely sensitive person. While some people may think you are too sensitive I see that sensitivity in you as a blessing. It is a beautiful one and it makes you very special.

Star, it's very important to understand that way too often in life we lose so much of ourselves because much of the world has become such an unkind place. I hope that certain fate doesn't happen to you.

I also want to stress something very important. You have every damn right to feel as emotional and as tired as you do. It's hard to imagine the complete hell that you have to put up with on a daily basis from your niece. Having to live with her flaunting and pushing that constant reminder of your battle with infertility every single day of your life is so cruel to the point where I can honestly say it is evil for one human being to put another through a situation like she has done to you. It is evil , it is inhumane and and I can only pray that someday she grows the hell up and leaves you alone. And your parents alone as well. Using her sick grandparents for so much of her petty demands is ridiculous.

It is wrong on every level because you are clearly trying as hard as you can and yes you have come very far. Way too far to falling back now.

Nothing is more exhausting as trying as hard as you can and the people around you keep pushing you back. You deserve respect given back to you for that.

It seems she lacks empathy. The ability to see the world through other people's eyes. It also seems like the only thing she seems to concentrate on is what makes herself feel good.

My heart also went out to you when you wrote about how you finally found out the truth about Bobby. I cried when I read what you wrote because I could tell how much you loved and cared about him when you thought the situation was for real. You truly loved him with all of your heart. I think it is pretty amazing you could forgive those people after every thing they have done to you for so many years. I want you to know this because not everyone can forgive people that easily. You truly are a special person even if others are too blind to ever realize that. And if I may say this even though you are a woman that took tremendous balls for you to scrape up enough strength and positivity to be able to do something like that. Huge ones.

Hold your magic. Hold it tight don't ever let anyone or anything take it away from you. The world needs people like you to help keep that magic alive. Every day we lose precious people like yourself. We can't afford to lose many more. The world needs people like you more than you realize.

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Sun May 20, 2018 7:34 am

Thank you for everything you said.


I've been spending a lot of time lately at my second favorite spot in the world. A place nestled on a hill beside my home. It's here that I can see far and wide and all the way to the bridge that leads from the old dirt road where I've lived and traveled all my life that winds around and eventually meets the closest highway. It's here in the summer time where everything around me smells like hay all sweet and warm from the summer sun. It makes the perfect bed to lay back on. I guess maybe you have to be from the country to ever understand it but its one of the most comforting smells in the whole world. During the day I can sit and see miles of beautiful country side all green and golden under the sun and in the dark , dead of night I can see the light in my parents bedroom. They have one of those Himalayan salt lamps and at night when you sit outside and look at their window when it's bathed in the most comforting bright orange glow.

When I am out there all alone it's like the whole sky in its beautiful sea of stars belong to me. I can feel the whole universe alive inside my chest. I own my own beautiful private world where fireflies dance in the darkness. I constantly dream of the places that I will never live long enough to see. Cities and towns lit with the glow of thousands of lights, oceans tides turning under the moon, buildings so tall they reach the sky. Sometimes I close my eyes and listen to the sound of the wind through the trees and pretend its the ocean.

Sometimes the dreams you have and hold close to your heart is just as wonderful as actually having it. It's bittersweet I guess.

The other day I watched a thunderstorm being born. Literally right in front of my two eyes. The sky was all a soft blue turning darker and darker, the clouds getting higher and higher and then all of a sudden I could see lightning leaping tall like dancing fingers of fire and could hear the thunder coming like the beat of a thousand horses hooves. Closer and closer to me and then all at once it was right there beside me. That's how I want to feel alive again someday. I want to feel so alive like I am ready to set the world on fire.

I've always said depression is like a monster in a horror movie. There is only two options You win or it does. There are no other choices. Me, I don't want to lose. I've never wanted to lose. I just get tired. I get tired a lot.

The other day my niece called my parents at 10 o' clock at night and asked them to go down to her house to babysit because she needed to do something...... something that she could have very easily handled with the baby all by herself...she just didn't want to deal with it. Long story short my parents went even though they didn't really want to and didn't make it home until almost midnight. My mother has cataracts which need surgery so she can't drive at night so my dad had to drive...... my dad with his medical condition does not need to be out on the road at that ungodly hour.. Plus my parents can't even stay up until midnight anymore. Every night at about nine o clock they are so tired they are ready to head to bed. What do you do ?? They are afraid to say no to her because they worry about disappointing her. My niece knows this and still takes advantage of them all of the time. Every time the phone rings I can feel my nerves tense up because I have no clue at what she's going to have them do for her next.

Sometimes I think saying her name is like Lord Voldemort except it's ........ SHE who shall not be named. I laugh at small jokes like that but it's serious because I'm worried she is going to cause my mom to have another stroke. Plus who in their right mind would send a man with a heart condition functioning down to only 14% out at night like that ?? She would and did. I have no idea what to do. I wish she was the kind of person that you could just sit down and talk some sense into but she's not.

I've been visiting some other support groups which has brought some tiny comfort. Knowing I'm not completely alone. That's is why I like sites like these. Even through the comfort of strangers you know somehow your not in this life of pain completely alone. We are all like lost souls finding comfort through each others life story.

There was this one guy that his wife found out she was pregnant. He was so excited when he found out the news but she wasn't happy about it. She wanted to have an abortion. More than anything in the world he wanted her to keep the baby but she refused to ......in the end she won because she believed it was "her body and her choice", he said that he never got the chance to hold his child in his own arms. She aborted it and there was nothing he could do. He divorced her because of that.

Life can be so unfair I can honestly say at times it feels better to die than have to deal with how ugly it can be. But you have to go on.....somehow. I guess there will be days when I feel like I want to die... but feeling and doing are always two very different things.

As for that prank online I'm slowly getting over it. It's not as bad now as it was. Eventually I'm going to have to take the chance and trust other people again. I love people too much to not ever try. And if I don't it's my own fault and no one else is to blame. You can't control how people treat you but you can control on how you react to it. Its just scary. Really scary. I've always loved people. Love conquers all right ? I hope so. I don't want to die all alone. One of my biggest fears is dying alone.



My physical health situation isn't getting any better either. These last couple of months have been harder than ever... I want to find happiness before I die. I only have one life. I'll never get another one. This is my one and only life time I will ever have.

I don't want to die without finding that kind of happiness. It's like God is there whispering in my ear telling me that I don't have much time left.

Starlight Forever and Ever .....
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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beebz
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby beebz » Mon Jun 04, 2018 3:52 pm

Hi Starlight - For starters, I do not spell check, grammar check or politically check anything I do. I just go with my thoughts. I've been thinking about you for several months now. Relating. I was and still am depressed and have PTSD which is how I found this board. I just often sit sad and lonely.

When I first found your thread, I was mesmerized at your writing style, whether or not you try to, your soul shines like you could not imagine. I am certain you have no idea how much you shine; otherwise you would not be so sad on a depression forum. Therefore, you have a gift that you are not even aware of. If there were more of you on this planet, oh, what a wonderful place it would be.

When I first found your thread, I just happened to be returning from West Virginia, which if my memory serves me correctly, that is where you are from. I wish I could have had lunch with you.

I cant even speak of why I am depressed because I feel my identity would be discovered much too easily but I have been through things in my life that my best friend stated, "if I did not know you personally, I would NEVER believe half the things you have been through".
It is true, I have been through things in my life that have left me scarred forever. There is no forgetting what has happened to me, and I am speaking of at least 5-10 different things.

I was thinking of you the other day, how "in touch" you are. I am "in touch". I sat on my deck the other day, happy as a clam.. Just give me my dogs, my parrot, grass, sun, rain, owls, raccoons, flowers, coffee or a cold drink, a cigarette, once in a blue moon some wine, some giggles and good company if I'm lucky, or none as I am lonely for humans.

The rain was coming, it was hot, hot hot hot, very hot, uncomfortably hot. I had a cast of shade which was fine, but no roof. Along comes some rain. My parrot felt the first drop. I wondered how long I could sit there as I was soulfully delighted at that moment; without getting soaked to the skin as I was fully clothed. I wondered if I would have to interrupt my glee by simply moving my chair under a huge hanging umbrella. I made it through 2 rains ! I was so tickled, without having to move.

Every single drop felt cooling and satisfying. I watched the drops land on my arms, they were tiny drops, there had to be millions of them. My parrot shook his/her head every time a drop hit him. I laughed at how sensitive he was. I looked at the sky, the lone grey cloud of moisture and hoped it did not pour buckets as I did not want to budge.

I made it through two separate rains, millions of dots of rain on my body from head to toe, yet never getting soaked through my jeans and looking at my bare arms, two drops of rain never ever touching or landing on the same space. No two drops ever merged into one which would have started a small stream on my arm of collected drops picking up other drops on their travels.

The drizzle stopped, I was cool and damp but not too wet to move. It sure was a nice moment that I tried to share with my other human who was there but he just didn't get it. I get so damn lonely when I am with this other human who acts like he hates me. I go straight to sadness. Like right now. I get mad, angry, furious and fantasize about running away. Why the hell am I with him when he acts like he hates me.

Oh well - I've got to go. I haven't written because I don't want to be an in and out kind of person. Sometimes I get so sad that I won't even write or if I get my smile back, I take full advantage of it and run like the wind and never even think of the internet. I've had my smile for a few weeks lately so I played in the flowers, created things, took rides in my truck, played with my parrot a lot and went bicycle riding for 12 miles of which I am not very physically fit but it sure was fun.

I don't want you to avoid love and friendship but I do hope you are careful after what happened to you in the past. If someones soul does not match yours, in life or on the internet, don't give them another second of your beautiful mind. Move on. If you meet or speak to someone on the internet, please don't let it go past a few months before finding out if they are real, sincere, soulful and safe. If you meet, meet in public, often, never alone.

tah~tah~ for now Starlight -
Hope to hear from you that something is tickling you soul and making you happy.
I've had tremendous pain from my humans lately but I look to find many things to tickle my soul and make me laugh, laugh out loud and laugh a lot !
Maybe people only ask you how you're doing... because its easier than letting on how little they really care.
But when you know you have a real friend somewhere, somehow all the others are so much easier to bear.
JacksonBrowne-Late For The Sky

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Sun Jun 10, 2018 1:55 am

Thank you beebz. It's really nice to meet you. I love the way you write too . You are fascinating and have a way with words for sure. It made me want to keep reading more of what you've written. You have a beautiful mesmerizing way with words yourself. I hope you see that too.

I've been wanting to come back and write more here. It's the only thing I have in the whole entire world. I would lost if I hadn't found this place.

I've just been having trouble finding the words to write though. I think it's because I'm so exhausted. It's like every single time I start getting a little bit better my niece and all of her crazy drama knock me right back down again.


I never know what she is going to put me and my parents through next and I think that gets my nerves and anxiety going up more. And then being so tired from dealing with all of that the depression sets back in.

Like for example a couple weeks ago my nieces son brought home a dog ( without her permission. ) My niece didn't want the dog in her house and she didn't want it around to deal with herself so she called my parents ( really late at night ) not even at a decent freaking hour of the day and MADE them drive out at night into town to pick up the dog. Instead of taking the responsibility and dealing with it herself because it was HER SON she put all the responsibility on my parents.

Me and my parents aren't prepared at all to deal with a dog. I love animals and I love helping them but you have to be realistically prepared for it FIRST. You can't just call someone late at night and order them to take on an animal if they aren't prepared for one first.

We had no dog food , no leash, no collar, no way to tie it outside to a dog box so we had to keep it inside our house overnight. The dog ran all over our entire house , messed on our floor, jumped on my dad who is on blood thinner because of his heart condition and has thin blood, ( his skin is thin and fragile because of the medication he takes ) and the dog scratched him and his arms were bleeding........

I had to lock some of my cats in my bedroom because they were so terrified of the dog. My cat Max was so scared of it he hid for three days under the bed and would barely come out. It's nuts.

My parents finally did go to the store and buy a collar to tie the dog out. My dad went to the store and picked up one and when he got to the cash register it rang up thirty dollars. He couldn't believe a dog collar would cost that much. It irritates the hell out of me because he shouldn't even have to pay anything. He is disabled and they don't have much money. My niece has no damn business even expecting them to.

And there's more.....

Last night the dog got loose. She broke her collar and was at our back door barking really loud and woke my parents up at 1am in the morning. My father said she probably seen a possum and lunged at it breaking the collar. ... So the three of us was up several hours trying to deal with it. As I said many times before my mother had a stroke a few months ago and my dad has a heart condition that will never get better only worse. They are 75 and 80 years old..... They did not need all of that BS to deal with. We didn't get back to sleep until about 3 am. My mother said she didn't even want to try taking her blood pressure because she was afraid of what it would be. ...... And during all that time my niece was at her house sleeping peacefully with not a care in the world while letting me and my parents deal with it all.

I don't know how much more I can take from her.

I know that I tend to write a lot about the night time and the stars. I guess that's because it's my favorite time. Today though I went outside and sat in the field by my house. It was a beautiful day. 98 degrees and wall to wall sunshine as far as the eyes and the big rolling hills around me could see.

As exhausted as I am to write I'm not in too great a shape at the moment to describe it the way it should be. But it was just breath taking. If you can imagine a sky so azure blue as far as your eyes and heart can see dotted and laced with white puffy swirling clouds sitting there lazily above your head and the sweetest most comforting scent of a million wildflowers all around you then you could get a little idea of what it was like for me.

All around me tall, delicate, green grasses moved as if they had a life and breath of their own and they danced in front of my eyes like the waves on the ocean. Such a beautiful field full of yellow and white daisy's and giant orange faced Black Eyed Susan's that were nestled next Queen Anne's Lace which are white as snow and also standing near was deep purple tiny clovers. These same fields that bask under a golden sun are lit up like a blazing fire of green enchanting glow of thousands of lightning bugs shimmering all around you when the sun finally goes down.

I would love to write more but I'm really tired.

Anyway thank you again. I'm still holding on as hard and as tightly as I can. Some days I still get so scared I'm just going to get so tired that I lose it and give up. But I have to keep telling myself how horrible it would be if I did that. And it would be horrible.

Starlight forever and ever right ?

I have got to keep believing that no matter how hard or dark life gets.

Starlight forever.....starlight forever ... I have to keep repeating to myself.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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beebz
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby beebz » Tue Jun 12, 2018 10:01 am

Hello there little light.
I'm always happy to see you post because then I know you are alive. I waited for one of your posts once for months. I don't do much socializing on the internet, or writing; I read tons of news (probably what makes me so sick). When it comes time to type I give up.
Anyhow, I use to be a night owl like you. I'm in bed lately by 9pm even on the weekends.

One thing that made me mad (for lack of a better word) when I read you last post about this *niece* of ya'lls, is, it is time to say NO.
When that little brat calls you in the early am hours, JUST SAY NO - It is time to say no.

I kinda feel, lately, that I ruined a human life by never ever saying no and probably putting a silver spoon in this childs mouth who is now 33 going on 18 and has accomplished nothing in life. There have been very large accomplishments actually, but all lost due to drugs immaturity, and being bailed out of every big and little issue in his life by none other than me.
So, when I read back over the years and this niece of ya'lls, time to say NO NO NO and No some more. I mean it, you'll end up in a bad place for decades if you don't.

Yesterday was awful. I sat with 3 dying animals.

This entry has already taken me 3 visits, interrupted by something or another.
I predict by the time this reply is all said and done, it'll probably be somewhere near 3 days and 13 sittings. I was accosted to hold something while it was being sawed. Then cleaning up animal puke. Then mowing some grass (finally) because I had a good moment with my back and I'll take advantage of that in a heartbeat.
I'd probably live on a riding mower if I could. I get a farmers tan and all the gentle noise makes my head go quiet and lets me think of myself for one stinking moment in time.

The animals are killing me. I cant stand to see them suffer yet I don't have the thousands that the vets want to diagnose them or NOT. They'll take thousands only for the animal to die anyway (some of them. )
One pet is an $18 dollar hamster that I really do not want to spend thousands on. His lifespan is 2 years and he needs to go quietly in his sleep hopefully soon.
Another is a dog that can not keep anything down. I will take him to the vet for an x-ray but I think it is also his time. I am watching him disappear in front of my eyes. I've sat on the floor with him for 3 days whispering in his ear, "its ok, you can let go" - lord I hate this. I've lost a lot of animals lately. The other big fat lazy dog has a tummy ache (often) so he cries and farts non stop; sometimes for an hours sometimes for 3 or more days. I have pain medication for him. No offense to the fat and lazy of which I often am. Actually I'm just a tad overweight but I think this jack a** society would call me fat.

another break lol

Another barn door to saw. Sawdust up my dress, between my toes and in my eyes . Yep, I should have worn glasses etc - oh well, saw'd wood sure does smell good tho.

I'll also break every time my human shows up because he is so NOT understanding at all about anything really. I've got a good life with him. He buys me things and supports me, my home, my pets, my parents, our kids, our grandkids, he just isn't *in touch* with any of the soulful things I am other than calling me his *soulmate.
He's a good guy tho. You can't create the perfect man. Impossible to do or have.
break------------

Well, I think it is two days later now, in the early am, and I am just now getting back to writing.
I think I'll pause and post this just to let you know that I am thinking of you Starlite !!!!

head up ! hang on ! hang tuff ! smile !
b
Maybe people only ask you how you're doing... because its easier than letting on how little they really care.
But when you know you have a real friend somewhere, somehow all the others are so much easier to bear.
JacksonBrowne-Late For The Sky

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beebz
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby beebz » Tue Jun 12, 2018 12:32 pm

I guess I am going to post this here; I don't have any one else to tell it to.
I do, but they're not as soulful as I am.
I was sitting on my country house porch.
The woods are thick. It is daylight. The woods are so thick that in the bottom brush it often looks black. Bush, thicket, honeysuckle, weeds, saplings, everything even poison ivy and oak.
I could see layer upon layer upon layer into several dimensions of forest yet it is black.
I see two eyes staring at me, they are blazing yellow; they were slanted, they were perfect black panther eyes.
I stared into them knowing what was going on, yet, I went with the "food for the soul".
A breeze ran through the yard; the eyes moved in a motion that an owl would do with his head or a puppy who hears a silly noise.
The panther took a hell of a glance at me, I almost thought he would lunge at me.
For a moment I lost my breath.
You may look up to the sky and make any picture you want out of clouds, but today I saw a black panther in the woods.

The two eyes looked to be on a sapling with a bare branch with only these two blazing leaves that resembled the panthers eyes
and when the wind blew, whew, what a surprise.

So, it was fun. I am not hallucinating, I am not schizophrenic, and there is not a panther in my forest.
But it was a joy none the less.
Kinda like watching the races of the leaves in the fall, watching one die, only to lift off again with a swift wind.. happily.. even though he is still coming in last in the race; he sure did resurrect.
I love to play with my psyche and enjoy it. I just don't have anyone to share it with. I have a "soulmate" but his mind does not wander like mine does.

I've been holding onto a particular dog for many days now saying "its ok, you can let go".
Its killing me - I'm hurting like hell.

My soulmate is on business, so I am alone for a while..... again....
I dont do well lately when he goes.
I practically sit and wait for him to return doing only what I need to do to survive.

I'm thinking of you Star - just thought I'd let you know ..... that I'm thinking of you.
We're sitting underneath the same sky ... what a crazy ride this life is.
b
Maybe people only ask you how you're doing... because its easier than letting on how little they really care.
But when you know you have a real friend somewhere, somehow all the others are so much easier to bear.
JacksonBrowne-Late For The Sky

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Sun Jun 24, 2018 12:01 am

I love to read your posts too. I look forward to coming here and reading them a lot. I hope you keep writing them.

I'm so sorry that you lost some animals. ( hugs to you ) It truly feels like you lose a family member. Because you do.

I'm pretty tired tonight. I haven't been able to sit outside and see the stars much because it's been constantly raining.

I know how you feel about saying no. But some people though just won't take no easily.

I keep trying really hard to keep giving my niece the benefit of the doubt but she is just totally impossible to even be around. She called my mother on the phone the other day and decided she wanted a to get a dog. YES... another dog .....NOT the same one she made my parents go get. She wanted a "different one". So she called my mother and wanted my mom to go ride in the car with her when she went to pick it up because she couldn't handle getting the puppy and taking her two year old with her at the same time.

If she can't handle driving to pick up a dog and taking her baby with her then maybe she doesn't really need a dog ??? It's a puppy by the way. A very small one. I could understand if it was a large dog but it was a very tiny puppy. ( Just my opinion. )

So my mom had to get up ( when she should be resting ) and drive all the way to my nieces house just so she can go ride in the car with her. Well as soon as my mom walked in the front door to my nieces house my niece suddenly changed her mind. She said she decided not to get the second dog after all but as long as my mom "was there" she could babysit the baby while my niece cleaned her house ... Which makes me think she was just using my mother in the first place so she could have a babysitter and clean her house. A few days later she went and got the dog all by HERSELF. Never minding the fact that she totally ignores the poor dog she pretty much threw on our doorstep..... my niece is like that. My mom was furious.

I did get a chance to see the moon for a little while tonight. It sat there all shiny and bright in the sky while a single star sat not too far of a distance from it. It made me feel a little said to be sitting out there all alone in the darkness looking at something so beautiful and there was no one here to see it with me.

Do you ever wonder how some people seem to have everything? And those kind of people are the ones that have no morals. My niece is constantly running back and forth between men. One night she is sleeping with this guy who is married a few days later she is sleeping with her boyfriend who is the father of the baby. It's sad.

I would rather be the biggest fool in the whole world and end up dying all alone than be someone who plays with other people's hearts and emotions. Yet people like her seem to have everything. She can go out there and have abortion, after abortion, after abortion, after abortion tossing away her own future children's lives like they are absolutely nothing and then one day on a whim decide she wants to get pregnant on purpose. It's like this one dies, this one dies , this one dies etc. but oh okay now she " suddenly" wants a baby ....

And all I will ever have in my whole entire life is a broken heart that never seems to stop hurting. I dream all the time of having a baby myself. My baby has hair and eyes like me and I can see it's face smiling at me. It feels so warm and real when I had it ... it's there one moment and then before I can even blink it disappears out of my arms and I run around trying to find it and can't find it anywhere... after that I wake up. It hurts. I know it's just a dumb dream but it hurts.

She can out there and cheat with as many guys as she wants and everyone thinks she is wonderful. And I will probably spend what's left of my life alone and wishing with all my fool's heart I was lucky enough to have ONE guy that would hold me close and never let me go.

I'm really sorry this post is a bad one. I'm just tired and don't have much of a writers heart in me tonight.

I haven't been doing too bad I guess. I'm actually starting to open up more to people lately. It's just tough. I guess you have good nights and bad nights.

Next time I hope I will write more. My heart just really hurts tonight.

Starlight forever and ever...
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

PaperGremlin
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby PaperGremlin » Sun Jun 24, 2018 5:36 am

JonsDragonEyes

(Before anything just like to state I suck at explaining anything about myself or my thoughts :? And I ramble a lot )

I understand completely how you feel about people. it’s sad to believe there are people out there that are selfish to the point of only wanting to use people what happened to the world of trying to help one another. My so called “friends” that I considered my family and I would do almost anything for them and at a time when I would need them the most they all just vanished on me.

You’re giving me hope to keep pushing just a bit further. As of late I’ve been have many suicidal thoughts and even went to the distance of searching of best methods of doing it and making a note to go along with it. If you look at me you’ll never think of someone that would be depressed in any shape or form. I’m a football player that’s usually energetic, smiling and have “good times”. It’s clear that people know somethings wrong with me, but they would never take the time to try sitting me down and ask about it. The one person I ever wanted in my life walked out on me, because I wasn’t mature enough, I had no ambition, no motivation, didn’t like our lifestyles, and the list goes on. It was devestating the pain when I lost them because of the way I lost them. I’ve never felt like I’ve been played with like a toy in my entire life and than just tossed to the side.

The person I loved had this moral code
Guys and girls could never be friends without some sort of attraction. At first I wanted to try proving her wrong but it kept on getting difficult as everything that was happening was being proven in her favour. But after so long together her friend introduces my love to her best friend (who happened to be a guy) and from there she relied on him more than she did with me, if she got into a fight she would turn to him instead of confronting me. I’m not the perfect person I’ve made her cry, I seemed like I didn’t care at points, I struggle a lot I like to try and live life as much as possible as I’m still slightly young while also trying to build someone special with someone I was willing to marry from day 1. More than anything in the world I wanted to be at the same place in life with her and had a lot of catching up to do always felt like I was in a shadow that I’ll never come out of. Everyday my anxiety and despair grow more from so many things happening simultaneously.

But I see I’m not the only one going through these struggles alone and it really reassures me and provides me with some sort of hope that I can make it. I really hope I do you’ve shown me not to give up you’ve been battling your feelings for 4 years and you’re still with us and going strong and I applaud you for that. Keep fighting and there are people that care we might not be able to be with you physically but we will be here with you spiritually.

P.S. for anyone else that reads this male or female if no ones said this to you today.
You are an amazing person with a beautiful soul and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. There’s no one like YOU in the world they may be similar but they’re not you :)

(Once again I suck at explain so if it doesn’t make complete sense I’m sorry and I have bad habits of going off topic :$ but I appreciate whoever took the time to read)

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Tue Jul 17, 2018 11:33 pm

Hi there PaperGremlin. It's really nice to meet you. I love your name. I am so sorry that the people in your life vanished when you needed them the most. Why is that ?? I hate that !! I know exactly how you feel. People wonder why depression is so hard....well THAT is one of the reasons. Whatever happens please don't dare ever give up. People like you and me we are fighters !! We truly are. Look how far we've come. Hey, that has to count for something doesn't it ?? YES !

No matter how hard or ugly things in life are there is always another day to make things better. Truly giving up is closing a door that will never open again.

To Beebz. I really miss your posts. I hope your okay. I've been thinking about you. A lot. It's been awhile since you last written anything. Please know I'm thinking of you and wondering how you are.

I'm doing okay it's just tough sometimes. Tonight I went outside and laid down in the swing on my front porch and just stared up at the sky. My beautiful puzzle pieces were back. If you don't know what that is , it's basically something that I just made up. It's when the night sky is that perfect shade of navy blue and the clouds seemed to be tossed about in huge chunks and pieces of all sizes and shapes imaginable. They remind me of miss matched pieces of scattered puzzle pieces. The clouds that are usually white like during the day are blue and in between all of the spaces dozens of shiny stars sparkle like diamonds.

I sit out there for awhile just enjoying how the night air suddenly grew cool from the sun being down and the green fireflies floated around in the darkness. I sure wish live could always be that peaceful and comforting. Life should come with a remote control so we could all pause wonderful moments like this. I could sit there forever and listen to the sound of the crickets and katydids. If only...... right ?

Do you know that dog my niece got not too long ago. The second one. She suddenly decided she doesn't want it anymore. Now she wants to get rid of it. Lol yeah , that's how she is. Flaky ? Is that the right word.

The thing that hurts the most is when she sends pictures of herself and the baby. She sends pictures of herself sticking out her tongue and holding the baby. Things like that kill me...... and she does this ALL OF THE TIME. Sometimes I wish I could just run away and never co me back. That sounds so horrible doesn't it ??

I'm not running though. This is my home and I'm a fighter. I tell myself that every single day. No matter how much things hurt, no matter how many of the people that I love abandon me. I'm not giving up.

A feral cat has had a litter of kittens in the field by my home. The only problem is getting to them is really risky because she had them over the side of a very steep embankment and since it's summer the field is all grown up with huge weeds and vegetation. The momma cat comes up to eat but she won't let me touch her. She is very wild. One of the babies followed her up my yard about a week ago. I noticed it's head looked rather odd , all swollen and misshapen. I was lucky enough to grab it but only because it's eyes were swollen shut and it couldn't see me. It turns out it had something called a warble inside it's head. If you don't know what that is trust me it's nasty. It's a type of bot fly that lays eggs in the grass and when an animal walks by and gets the eggs on it the eggs attach to the hair and burrow down inside their skin. Later they basically eat their way out... You can actually see the worm through a hole in the animals head. Yeah seriously nasty.

But after a vet visit the kitten is doing fine. She's on antibiotics and sleeps beside me on the bed at night. You never forget the very first time you hear them purr and rub against you. Maybe I will never have a baby of my own but animals have souls of love too. And that has to count for something doesn't it ?

Hope so. It still hurts. A hurt that you will never be able to truly get over but it doesn't have to destroy you.



I hope I can rescue the rest of the cats litter.

I need to write more later. I'm just really tired. I've been tired a lot lately.

Starlight forever and always
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Thu Jul 19, 2018 12:27 am

You know what's crazy?

One of my favorite things in the whole world to do is go to my own private movie theater. It's the kind of movie theater won't find it in any city or town. My special little kind of place away from the world that shows some of the most beautiful movies that anyone could ever ask for.

Sometimes I'll take a blanket and a pillow with me or sometimes I'll take something like popcorn or candy or some other type of treats. And I just sit and watch the sky changing colors and shapes. The moon , the stars , the sunrises and sunsets. You would think that a person would get awfully bored wouldn't you ? But like I've said before no two sunsets or any other skies for that matter are ever quite the same.

You get to see things like falling stars, harvest moons, blazing sunsets, and sunrises so bright with color they hurt your eyes to look at. You also get to see lunar halos and airplanes that mimic sparkling ever changing colored stars during the night time and leaving huge jet like puffy sky artwork clouds during the bright day.

It's right there where I can forget the rest of the world. When times are hard. It helps me hold on. If I feel like giving up I know if I do give up there will always be that next beautiful "movie" that I will never get to see. Instead of doing something that would take away my life I try as hard as I can to hold on to the things that give life back to me.

It's just hard sometimes. Damn hard. Damn ....damn hard.

Last night in the middle of the night the dog my niece made my parents take broke it's collar AGAIN. It woke my parents and me up at two in the morning. It was a long night for all of us getting back to sleep.

The baby has come down with strep throat and my niece said she would take a day off work and stay home with her. I thought it would be a great opportunity for me and my mom to do something special since we didn't have to babysit. We planned one of our little ladies day out things. I really love time out with my mom like that. We hardly ever get to do it much. I was really excited. I thought about it all night. Well, my niece called us at 7 in the morning and said she changed her mind and wanted to go to work so we would have to cancel our plans. I was crushed. I was really looking forward to spending some quality time with my mom.... Plus the fact we were all tired from being up since 2 am we really didn't have the energy to babysit for 10 hours. AND ... my mom is still not fully recovered from her stroke. Strep throat is also very contagious. My father who's heart is only functioning now at 14% ( I feel like a broken record always having to repeat this over and over ) should not even be exposed to anything seriously contagious like that. My niece knows this but had us babysit anyway.

I'm tired. Those are the two words that I say more than anything now a days.

Why is it people like my niece can act any way they want and still somehow always be able to get away with it ?? It's crazy. I know I'm way old enough now to understand and realize that life isn't fair. It just still sucks when people do so many wrong things and always seem to get away with it.

Is it just me ? Or does it seem like people who have no morals, no respect for others and no compassion always seem to get everything they want ??

Do you remember when I said my niece was sleeping around with that married man and they had like 5 abortions from that affair? Well the guy who she the affair with when he was in high school ( years ago ) got two girls pregnant at the exact same time.

It hurts that people out there like both of them can get pregnant as many times as they want and others like me have to live an entire lifetime in misery not even being able to have one single child.

I know ... I know life is unfair and sh*t happens. It just really sucks. And knowing things like that make it hard to stay strong.

I am strong though. I still wish more than anything in the world for that hug I've always dreamed about. I hug from someone that would just throw their arms around me and hold me for a long, long time and not let me go.

Does anyone also remember that historic home I was trying to help my town save? Awhile back the County Commissioners in our town gave a local group permission to raise money to save it. Meaning they agreed 100% to allow them to fund raise. The group loyally raised almost thirty thousand dollars and then the Commissioners changed their minds and said they would rather see it torn down. And they actually were cruel enough to force them give all of the hard earned money back. The lady who was president of the group trying to save it was angry and heartbroken. She was angry because she had trusted the Commissioners and believed they would be honest and fair keep their word but because she didn't get it in "official writing" the Commissioners can basically go back on their word and do anything they want. That is so heart breaking that men of law in my own town could be so callous.

I personally know people who were emptying their entire pockets to donate money to save the life of this building. This building is one of the very last surviving historic structures in my whole entire state. It is history.. it's a landmark. Some of the greatest happiest times of my whole life were spent in this place. And it most likely will be destroyed and there isn't anything I can do to save it.

Again like I said... WHY someone please tell me why is it people can act like this and always get away with it ??

Sometimes when you see how there are so many people in the world like that I can understand why I'm such and introvert.

There was a young man in my town tonight that shot himself. I didn't know him personally but he was very popular in my town. The people in my town have very heavy hearts tonight. When I hear things like this I always ask myself the same question. And I know that a lot of people on here who have depression and hear of someone committing suicide ask themselves the same question. Could I really do something like that ?? Or maybe ....Will I be the next one ?? If it happened to them does this mean it will happen to me too ??

I know because I've asked myself that same question too.

To me the answer is no. No, because I have come way too far to ever do something so final and crazy. I know it's hard especially when your facing everything all alone. But somehow, someway something is always there to keep you holding on. I know that isn't ever the answer. I know what it's like to feel so helpless that you want to kill off all of the bad .... but I also know what it feels like to still love and if you kill the bad then you also kill all of the love inside you too..... That is enough to keep me holding on.

I hope that is enough to keep someone who wants to give up keep holding on too.

Next time I feel like giving up I'm going to tell myself. " Please don't kill all of the love inside you too."

I heard a quote the other day that really got to me. I can't remember it word for word but it went something like this

" You were born to be an original
Don't you ever dare die as a copy "

I'll never be like my niece. It makes me sad because I won't ever be a mom. But I was born into this world to be me none the less. These are the cards that I've been dealt and I'm going to play them the very best I can. I may never be a mom but I have morals and I have respect for others. I have compassion and I understand other people's feelings. I'm not perfect by any means. I have my faults. Who seriously doesn't have faults ??? But I am very glad I'm me. It hurts to be me sometimes. But I'm still glad I'm me.

( I'm sorry if I'm rambling I'm just exhausted )

Starlight forever and always
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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beebz
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby beebz » Fri Aug 03, 2018 1:16 am

Well, so, here I am, but I'm not sure why. I'm sad, mad, disgusted, confused, furious, sick to my stomach, hateful and so many other things. I will probably just ramble. I suppose this is my only outlet really; so if ya'll read it, fine, if you like it, fine, if not, sorry, I'm venting as my choices are so limited to do something more constructive with my plight in this life.
Perhaps one day, I will be alone, and happy. I am with others currently, but none of them make me happy, at all.
I often wish to be alone , but happy.
Run away, find a "little" job (lol) , a little home, on a quiet little mountain or river, get a little dog and spend the rest of my life recuperating from a lifetime of abuses.
Sometimes I hope ya'll don't think I am fake; because on a "good day" I can probably turn this whole story around. I reckon that is all part of depression - or I should say, my circumstances, or maybe even the fact that it took me 2/3 of my life thus far to realize that I've had a pretty shiddy life. Years ago I use to say it was perfect perfect perfect. At this moment I'd rather be anywhere else but the chair I'm sitting in, the home I'm sitting in, and the person I married that makes me sick to my stomach and rips my heart out and stomps on it until I drop dead in my mind. I feel dead right now.
I have one son who loves me to pieces and I admire and consider a good friend, my best friend- but, perhaps unknowingly, he likes to treat me as tho I am stupid, down right stupid. He hurts me daily and doesn't have a clue that he does. If I ever bring it up to him, he denies it and talking to him about those sorts of things (me) is like chewing glass. I get nowhere.
Another son won't speak to me because he is mad at himself and needs "time"; so deserting me helps him and I lose my grandkids, again.
I waited all my life for grandkids, and they've been ripped away from my soul, again and again and again.
I just went outdoors to smoke, and thought of you Star, that you'd possibly be happy in my shoes currently, and I'd be happy to sit on your porch alone until my life is done. I've had a lifetime of good, bad, great, ugly, sad and insane to last several lifetimes. I don't recall if I ever typed this statement before, but my closest friend said if she didn't know me and see me as proof, that she'd never believe half the things I tell her or I've been through, or that she'd seen with her own eyes.
Like right now, I am feeling like I've lived a fake fake life. There were times, decades where I didn't think so, but now that I have PTSD I realize that I've been through some hell and feel like my significant other is a total heartless son-of-a-beech. He doesn't know that he's an ice cold azz. I've told him a thousand times, and even politely asked him to treat me better but he's an idiot of a man. I've been with him for 40 years.... imagine that. I've never worked those 40 years (once for a tiny bit) (that one time I decided to think of myself) - I have a castle (if you will), a very nice dreamy home, animals, pets, more things than I need, plenty of money. I'd like more but there is enough to have a comfortable life. Yet, I am not happy. This man would give me the moon and the stars, or I should say "buy" me the moon and the stars but he really doesn't know how to show true love. Every one thinks he's great, laid back, lucky me, blah blah blah, But, I am talking love, being in love, showing love, to ALL things and ALL people. He worships the ground I walk on and hears what I say but is simply incapable of being mature about my needs, wants, desires, feelings and hardships. He doesn't beat/hit me - sometimes I'd rather take a slap in the head than have someone emotionally abuse me. I think he emotionally abused me and I'm fresh out of emotions, so now when he hurts me, I go to weird places in my head. I just want to give up, but cant, don't and wont. I have a parents who are 88 and 83 living with me; and I turned out to be an only child, so I cannot let them down. I think if it were not for them, I wouldn't be here. I also hate the man I married. I think I've asked him to love me; long enough, the way I should be loved. Basically I think I'm looking for respect. I don't think he respects me one single ounce. I think he looks at me like property at this point. I feel for him actually. If I were to leave him, I think he'd curl up and die, he simply would. I care about him and his sadness and hardships in life, but WTF, he takes everything out on me and I am so out of "pieces of my mind" that I just cant take it anymore.
A builder once told me, that you can design your own palace and after living in it for a few months say to yourself, "Oh shoot, I wish I made a bigger closet or I wish I added this, or I forgot that. Point is, even if we thought we could create the perfect man, after a while we'd realize it isn't what we wanted after all - if that makes any sense.
He has dozens of good qualities, yet the ones he lacks in are enough to make me cry myself to sleep every night any-more.
I say up, he says down, I say in, he says out, I say black, he says white. I say your driving makes me nervous, and like a child he says, "what about your driving, wah wah wah" - I said, if you have a problem with my driving, then say so at the time - dont come back at me like a 12 year old when I say I am uncomfortable as a passenger in your car. I go into mental shock when I bring up something and he goes straight into grade school defense - "you did this and you did that and you drive fast and you did it too and you did it first" - I'm like, so f'ing what - thats not the point. The point is, right now and right here, this moment in time, you are making me uncomfortable. When the swerving car in front of us has a head on collision, I don't want to be third party to that collision because you are tailgating them. "Oh, like you never tail gate"? NOT THE POINT moron - right here and right now I don't want to be privy to this car in front of us demise. If I was tailgating LAST WEEK than you should have said something LAST WEEK, not right at this moment. Is is too much to say - 'Im sorry for making you nervous babe" ? Of course it is - so at my age I'm arguing like I'm in the 1st grade. It may seem comical to some people, but its every single day of being treated like that, the neener neener neener at my age is not a good idea. The "you did it too" is so childish. I can't wrap my head around those types of thoughts.
I believe I said before I am afraid to put too much info here because my identity could/would be discovered too easily, and I like the anononimity (sp) lol of venting. I remember probably 2 particular decades of my life where it was perfect. It really was. Then came more than a decade of horror - and more horror - and as I was healing physically and mentally, more horror showed up, and more, and I tried to heal again, then I was physically beat to where I have head damage permanently, then more people die, rare diseases show up - then my husband still treats me disrespectfully, my folks disrespect me, and I look back and tally up all the things that I suppose in my 20's and 30's and 40's I was able to handle like a little bad azz - but now I am all out of steam, strength and fight. I have no fight left in me. And now my head is constantly going to all the bad things that have happened to me in my life and I feel like I'm in quicksand and it is never going to get better. I feel like the idiot woman who is going to stay in a marriage that she hates because it is too hard to get out of it. I sacrificed my entire life to be a wife and mom and daughter and friend, caregiver, animal rescuer , arm chair lawyer - I really did practice law as a hobby and represented myself in many cases and won lol - I could mow 5 acres, take down a tree, dig a ditch, clean an in-ground pool for 20 years, be a true stay at home mom - cook a sit down, home made family meal every single day of my family's lives, guzzle a cold beer, dive off cliffs that were so high I shook but did it as a challenge, jump trains when I was a teenager and yet sit down to $1000.00 fancy meals to celebrate an occasion with a flowing gown on and my hair in a spectacular twist. Well rounded I'd say. But now I've come to a crossroad in my life and my cup runneth over in the pain, sorrow and PTSD department.
I've been physically beat to (near) death by my sister, brother, and son. There have been mystery illness's in my family. I have super successful family members, than I have dead family from drugs, murder and suicide.
Wow, I'm dying and no one cares. Thats not funny, No one knows, no one knows that they've treated me so horribly. THEY make me feel this way - heaven forbid you tell any one of them to their face and the reaction is - (looking for the right word here ) ummm.... their reaction is nothing I suppose - not valid - like I'm making it all up.
Imagine a woman cheats on her husband, the husband finds out and has a heart broken into a million pieces, physically falls on the floor, why why why - ---yet you warned him. You told him for years, you begged him, you cried, you begged - please treat me better, please talk to me nicer, please respect me, please don't walk away from me when things don't go your way - please take the time to see who I am. Imagine being with someone for 30 years and they don't know you???!!!!!! - and you wonder how/why I ended up the arms of another? I told you straight OUT LOUD to your face, that you are hurting me - please stop hurting me and love me - should one ASK for love? - oh well - sigh------ then when someone gives me attention, I fail, at being faithful.
I have a close/best friend - she had problems, severe problems, mental, financial, - she needed me, I was there, every day, every afternoon, every night for nearly two years. I've been hospitalized, had a brush with death, was beat up, had another brush with death, started walking with a cane, lost my grandkids, got them back , lost them again, on and on and on and on - yet she hasn't been there for me - AT ALL - how is that a friend? She has no clue, she doesn't know what it is like to GIVE - only receive. My mother is the same way. I will never understand selfish people because I never ever ever was - nor will I ever be - yet my mother, at her age, still says "me me me mine mine mine I want I want I want (material things) and never shares. My best friend is the same way - but I promise you they have no clue that they are selfish stingy brats as adult women. I still love them (kind of) These women surround themselves with things, stupid things, nik-nax - too much crap - filling a void - they love their things more than they love humans. My mother still whines about all the stuff she lost (furniture and the like) to my sister and brother due to pawning, eviction, you name it - theft - and I said to her - well well well, you think of the material crap and I think of the soul thats gone, that is the difference between me and you. That is an ice cold statement for a daughter to say to her mother - I hope to god I am not a selfish materialistic beech when I'm 83 - I hope to always love things with a heartbeat more than those without. But - they don't have a clue - they really don't.
I lost a diamond the other day and I didn't give a shi*- I had it for 45 years.
I lost a dog 2 weeks ago - and I'd rather have that dog back than 50 of those stupid azz diamonds.
Diamonds are polished DIRT - its dirt people ! I don't give a crap that its the hardest mineral blah blah blah - the day you like dirt more than a human heartbeat is the day that this is one screwed up planet - and it already is.

Frankly - I'd rather sit and watch a pale blue iceburg up north than have 20 carets of polished dirt on my hands.
Or the northern lights rather than a Cadillac
Or someone to love me more sweetly than this glorious home that I exist in which gives me no love at all.
I have a large dreamy home - but it doesn't feel me- it doesn't hug me - what good is that?

I reckon I should take a break.
I wish things weren't the way they are.
Maybe people only ask you how you're doing... because its easier than letting on how little they really care.
But when you know you have a real friend somewhere, somehow all the others are so much easier to bear.
JacksonBrowne-Late For The Sky


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