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Re: im dying and no one cares
Posted: Tue Nov 07, 2017 3:32 pm
Thank you Rachel. I like your name it's really pretty and it's very nice to meet you.
The night before last was another one of those rare nights in Autumn. I sat in the back of my house and watched all of the lightning light up the dark night. It danced and showed it's art working magic right through the fingers of clouds in the sky. I couldn't help thinking to myself how wonderful it would be to see the things lightning could if it had eyes and could see like we humans do. Way up in the sky far above the world imagine the things it could see if it were possible.. Cities lit with the glow of a million lights , a billion lights !! It could view highways that stretch beyond the world and to places far out in the distant country with mountains and valleys and lakes and even beyond them into the oceans and beaches...
I bet it could see the waters of the rolling ocean far out in the sea and the ships that pass in the day and night. Wouldn't it to be wonderful to see life like that from up above ?
I love to feel the wind on my skin before a storm and it's nice to be able to smell the rain. There is nothing in the world like hearing thunder when it's first born. It starts off small like an incoming giant far off into the hills and then gradually gets closer and closer as if he is stomping his feet as he walks and then...... BOOM all of a sudden it's like an explosion and is right upon the world before you even have the chance to realize it.
My grandmother (when I was little ) used to say someone must have up set the potato bucket up in heaven when it thunders. I'll never forget that. She and my grandfather were farmers their whole lives. I like my " giant version" better though. Lol
The other day my mother asked me to do something for her. She always asks me write the things she needs on her grocery list for her. So she asked me to write down a few things. I went to her purse to get the tablet and seen 5 packs of cigarettes. My mom doesn't smoke. She's never smoked. My niece is now demanding my mom to buy her cigarettes for her. My niece is 35 years old... Like I said my mom is elderly and doesn't have a lot of money. She does everything she can to buy her own groceries. Now she has to buy my niece's cigarettes. Everyday it always amazes me how much she constantly uses people.
It's crazy. The world is changing even in my small town. Do you remember when I first started this post I talked about how tiny of a town mine was ? So small that a stop light is almost laughed at. It used to be a quiet place full of gentle hearted people. I always used to pride myself that my town stayed the same while all others changed but now I am wrong.
A couple of nights ago some teenagers vandalized and destroyed a gazebo at the senior citizens center we have here. They took a 2x4 and busted the seats and cut the electric cord where there is a electric light in it. It's sad. A lady in town said there are teenagers running around all hours of the night.
When I sit outside at night and watch the stars and see how beautiful the world is I think to myself how the black and ebony sky always seems like a comforting blanket covering over the world and the sparkling, dancing, twinkling stars seem like never changing magic. I wonder if people like those those kids ever look up ? Would they even think to ? I doubt it.
They would probably think people like me are lame for looking up. But I have learned more in life from looking up at the night sky than I have ever learned anywhere else.
Maybe that's the problem with the world.
I remember when I first gave Bobby my phone number. You have no idea how much courage it took me to do that. A LOT. I remember it was on a Christmas Eve ( years ago.) It was right after we had a fight. I remember I was having computer issues and couldn't email him on my computer but I didn't want to spend Christmas fighting with someone I cared so much about so I asked my mom ( who was cooking Christmas dinner and getting things ready for package opening that night ) to pause our family dinner so she could take me to my aunts house so I could use her computer for a second so I could email Bobby my phone number. My mom thought I was nuts lol but she also knew how much I cared about this guy so she said yes. I went out to my aunts house and emailed him my phone number and then we went back home and had Christmas dinner. Next time Bobby seen me he told me he got my number but you know what he never did call me...never. He acted like he had REALLY wanted it but then after I finally had the guts to trust him and give it to him he immediately and complete interest. It didn't make any sense at all.
Sometimes to this day even when the phone rings I'm silly enough to still hope it could be him. I know it won't be him but my heart still can't stop wishing it would be.
I was stupid enough to keep talking to him for years after that. And even more stupid to keep talking to him when he decided to sleep with one of my other online friends. A woman who I was really close to. I mean out of all the people in the world WHY would he choose one of my friends. He could have picked anyone. WHY one of my friends.
Secondhandangel you were right. I kept my hope in those people because I was always desperately thinking they would change and somehow care about me. I was too loyal. But really the only person l wasn't loyal to was myself. Because I constantly let them hurt me.
I'm sick I don't know how much longer I have to be alive. I'm not wasting one single second on anybody who doesn't care. If someone is there for me and wants to be a part of my life that is great and I hope with all of my heart they will be but if they aren't I'm moving on I literally don't have time for anything else.
It's hard to be positive sometimes. I've always said staying positive is like getting your teeth pulled with no pain killer and you are the one pulling your own damn teeth. It's not easy. And yeah sometimes it is that painful.
I see the world turn more and more ugly everyday. The wars , violence and shootings get worse all the time. If it's this bad now I wonder what life will be like years from now ? I wonder what goes wrong in some people's hearts to make them do so many horrible things ??
For now I think I will just sit outside under the stars for as long as I can and for as long as I'm allowed to be alive.
I can't change the whole world but I sure as hell wish I could. But you know what ?? There is one thing that I know I can do and that is make my small part of the world around me as beautiful as I possibly can . I try really hard to. Sometimes when life is too hard I fail but I keep trying. I fail a lot. Hell , I fail all of the time. Did I fail today ??? Maybe ... ..... but I keep trying.
That is the key... to keep trying
Starlight Forever & Always
Re: im dying and no one cares
Posted: Fri Nov 10, 2017 5:00 pm
You are the sweetest person. Your patience with people is never ending. You do not deserve the way you were treated by any of those people. Your niece, nephew, Bobby, Vicki, Angie etc. If anything you are too caring and yes that is a compliment.
If you want to see the true meaning of strength and integrity look at the people who are down on their knees or laying face down in the dirt and have almost given up hope numerous times. People like yourself but somehow you still found a little bit of strength to find the beautiful side of life. Not only that but you keep coming on here and sharing those beautiful things like sunsets and the stars with others because you want to help people find their reasons to hold on. That is true character. And you have it Star, lots of it. Remember that
Life isn't always pretty and you acknowledge that. Life is unfair which you also acknowledge but yet you still scrape up enough hope to find a reason no matter how small to push on.
You are an inspiration. None of those people deserve to have you in their lives.
Prayers to you that you find some comfort through all of your pain.
I truly hope that God will put you in the hands of people that truly appreciate and love you.
And last but definitely not least prayers for your physical health. The world needs more people like you down here on earth. Heaven, I hope will have to wait a little while longer.
Re: im dying and no one cares
Posted: Tue Nov 14, 2017 12:08 am
Thank you SecondhandAngel
It's in the thirties ( degrees ) tonight and I just sat there shivering waiting for the stars to come out but I can't see any of them only dark clouds. When I sleep at night there has to be a night light in the room. I've never felt this alone and empty before.
I wonder what happens to people when they die ? Is there really a heaven and is it as beautiful as they say and is it a place where you will never hurt anymore ? Or do we just close our eyes and just cease to exist lost in the blackness of nothing forever ?
I wish there were friends around me to hug me. I swear to God I would hold on to them as hard as I could until I was absolutely made to let go.
You know whats damn unfair ? When you try as hard as you can to always remain positive but no matter what you do you always get pushed back. And the thing that makes it unfair is that your seriously trying as hard as you can but all the challenges just keep coming.
The only thing I know what to say is cherish everything that you do like it's freaking gold. Watch those stars in the night time sky like it is the last time you will ever see them. Because it just might be. Memorize every color in the sunset and embed it deep inside your memory and your heart. Eat the hell out of your favorite food even if you get a stomach ache from eating too much because it may be the last time you ever get to taste it. Watch your favorite movie with your finger glued on the rewind button on the remote control and enjoy it just as much as you did the very first time you've seen it... take a walk in the rain and feel it on your skin , try to see places you've never seen before , do whatever the hell it is that you want to do in life.
You know when I talked about making that fall as beautiful as possible ? I'm trying really hard.
Starlight forever and ever ........
Re: im dying and no one cares
Posted: Fri Nov 17, 2017 2:47 am
Is anyone else reading this now and feeling as exhausted as me? I have such a long road in front of me and I am terrified to have to walk it all by myself. The thing I am scared of the most is falling and nobody even noticing or being there to help me stand up again. What if I can't stand back up ? Will I be able to make it ? What if something awful happens to me ? What if I die ?
When I first started coming on this site I came because I had no one else in the whole world that I could count on and nothing has changed. I still don't have anyone. I needed help but I also wanted to come here to help people. In life I've always wondered to myself if I've done enough to help people ? Could I do more ? Have I messed up ?? I want to save other people just as much as I want to be able to save myself.
So ...... if you are reading this and you feel as exhausted and hopeless like I feel now I want you to always remember what I am about to say... Something brought you here to this depression understood site just like it brought me here. You may not realize it but something deep down inside you hasn't given up. How do I know that ? Because you CAME HERE and that is something even if it doesn't feel like much at all. Something inside you is still there ready to keep holding on to some kind of glimmer of hope. That slim chance isn't completely gone.
Sometimes life is like a night time sky with no stars to light it up. All black and hopeless. But imagine , if you can, all of the positive things that you keep trying to do leaving a tiny point of light behind you. So that you unknowingly carry that light with you no matter where you go.
It does not matter how small those actions are or how huge of an impact they leave because they all shine bright just the same.
The more you add and the more you keep trying the brighter the sky becomes. Those things you do could be for yourself....or it could be what you do for others.
And then one day..... you suddenly look up and realize all of the millions of points of light are shining right in front of you...
Somewhere out there is a song you've never heard , a food you've never tasted, a favorite movie you've never watched , a sunset you haven' t seen, friends you haven't yet met , a day you've haven't had the chance to see , a dream you haven't had the chance to be able to dream. You just have to hold on.
You know what the hardest thing in the whole world is ? Sitting in a room all alone and everything is so damn quiet that the only sound you hear is your own breathing. I know what it is like because that is what I have to face every single freaking night.
Is anything I'm saying right now matter ? I guess I just wish that I could take away all the sadness in the world and make a difference.
Does all of that sound stupid ?? I don't know. I guess I was just thinking about life being like that tonight while I laying in bed.
Sometimes you have to face some of the hardest things in life you never thought you would ever have to face and I hate that. One day you feel like everything is going to be okay and them boom here comes more challenges. And the ones that hurt the most are the ones you thought you were so prepared to handle. The ones you thought you put behind you.
I'm frustrated right now because there is so much more I want to say but I don't know how to say it.
I think if I had a few wishes I would wish that people could live forever, that no one would ever get sick and no one would ever have to face being broken hearted or depressed ever again.
I was thinking the other day about how I get so busy writing about how beautiful the stars and the sunsets are that I sometimes forget to write about sunrises. So I will throw in a little something about that. Did you know that if you get up at the perfect time of a morning right as day is about to break away from the night you can hear the birds start to sing ?? Some of them start singing even before the first breath of light reaches out through the darkness and it's still dark. I love that.
It's the little things like that you have to teach your heart to hold on to. ....... It's the little things like that nothing can take away from you.
I'm sorry that I can't write better than this. I'm trying with all my heart. I'm just really tired.
Starlight Forever & Ever
Re: im dying and no one cares
Posted: Wed Nov 22, 2017 4:10 am
I woke up in the middle of the night tonight because I couldn't sleep. So I got up and walked into my kitchen to get a drink of water and all I could see when I turned on the light was wall to wall baby toys. Baby toys in the living room , baby toys in the dining room , empty baby bottles all over the kitchen counter. My house is so tiny that my kitchen , living room and dining room is basically one big room. And my niece has done her best to fill it up with as much baby items as possible. It literally covers every inch of my house. And for someone like me who suffers from infertility ...you cannot get it out of your mind for one single second. She wants my whole life literally revolved around her and the baby... Sometimes it hurts so bad I think I'm going to seriously lose my mind. I think to myself this is going to be the day I just lose it. You can't take someone that hurts over something like that and intentionally run it down their throat everyday of their life. She is literally standing at my front door demanding me and my parents babysit every single morning.
I still remember when she first got pregnant me and my mom told her we couldn't possibly handle that much babysitting. We told her we could help her a little bit but not the 10 hours a day 5 days a week ( and on weekends ) she expected and she ignored us on purpose... She intentionally never hired anyone else and then came to us the day before she went back to work after maternity leave and said we basically had no choice or she would lose her job ..... so in other words one hell of a purposely planned guilt trip..... My sister is pretty furious at her for treating us like that too.
I can't even begin to describe how awful it feels for someone like me who is trying so damn desperately to get their life back together and then my niece comes along and keeps pushing me back by putting too much unfair pressure on me.
Sometimes I think being dead isn't so bad after all. No , that is not suicidal. It's just the only way she is ever going to leave me alone.
It hurts really bad because she won't ever let me have any kind of life of my own to think about anything else. Not even for two freaking seconds. I truly feel like I am suffocating to death. I wish so much that I had a real friend to just hug me or call me on the phone just so I could hear someone's voice telling me that everything is going to be okay.
Tonight when I woke up I just had to see the stars. Even though it was freezing outside I had to see them anyway. I just sat there for awhile shivering and just silently looking up.
When I looked all around me while I was sitting outside I noticed the grass is covered with frozen dew. Did you know if you take a flashlight and shine it on it everything when the ground is frozen everything the light touches lights up like shining diamonds ? All of the grasses , and the fallen leaves from the trees that lay on the ground, everything it touches is crystallized in beautiful , breath taking shimmering diamond like patterns. I sat there in the cold for as long as I could with a million shining stars was glowing high above my head and below my feet the frozen grass was like a million jewels...
While I was out there it tried to snow tiny flakes.
Far away in the distance now that the leaves are off the trees you can see across the creek and the lights of peoples houses like tiny pin points of orange and white lights lost in an ocean of darkness.... and even farther beyond that is the highway. If you squint your eyes really hard you can see the headlights of vehicles but its so far away you cant see much. I always used to play the game of trying to guess if they were cars or trucks but it's impossible to tell.... the only time you can tell what is for sure are those huge long trucks with bright strings of light on them. Those are my favorite because they are so pretty.
Do you remember me writing about that old historic building in my town that I'm trying to help save so it won't be torn down ? There is a group of town citizens that formed a group called the Restoration Committee and the County Commissioners given them permission to raise enough money to save it . They have raised like $ 22, 000 so far and they are still going strong and I've been a small part of that by writing poetry and making videos to spread public awareness and the president of the Restoration Committee wrote me a letter thanking me.
She told me that she thought I was a blessing and that my heart speaks to so many people and she hopes someday that it can to speak to more people. I wish with all of my heart I could do that too.
But now the County Commissioners are going back on their word... after the Restoration Committee raised so much money they are trying to get out of their deal and have the building torn down anyway. Why do we live in a world with so many dishonest people ?? Things that hurt the most in life are things like giving people false hope.
The other night I had a dream that the historical home was falling down. All of the beautiful stairways crumbling and the the 100 year old balcony's being crushed. I spent the best times of my childhood in that home. And historic homes like that once gone can never be replaced. Did you know that home is one of the very few places left in my whole state. It turned 100 years old this year and instead of celebrating it's in danger of being forever destroyed.
What is the point of fighting for the things you believe in life for if people play so dirty and are so dishonest ?
And what is the point of family members literally taking advantage of you and using the sh** out of you simply because they can do it and always get away with it ?
And what is the point of letting all of the walls around your heart that protects it down and letting yourself love people only to be hurt by those who you let those walls down for ?? I miss my friends but I don't even know if they were my real friends to begins with.
I miss when I would get up in the middle of the night and there was someone online to talk to....but now when I wake up there is only an empty screen where people used to be. It's a horrible feeling.
Has anyone ever had that feeling where they wished they could just disappear ? You don't want to die but you don't want to live anymore either ?? You just sort of wish you could just somehow disappear ??
I'm strong I know that I am. I've proved to myself that I am. I've made it this far and I couldn't have made it this far if I wasn't strong. And I know I'm a positive person. If I wasn't I couldn't see the beauty in the world around me. My heart see's that everyday. But I'm not a super hero I'm not indestructible. I'm still human.
And right now as a human I wish more than anything in the world someone would come along and just hug me. Really tight and mean it with all of their heart. I wish they would just sit there and hold me like that for awhile. I'm tired of fighting all of this all by myself. I wish someone would tell me that I don't have to face all of this alone anymore.
I wish I could hear someone say those magic words I've been needing so badly to hear, "Star , I understand."
Starlight Forever and Ever and Always .... but if I disappeared forever would anyone even care enough to really notice ?
Re: im dying and no one cares
Posted: Thu Dec 07, 2017 2:30 pm
I was told by a very wise person one time that everybody needs a second hand angel in life. A second hand angel is just like an angel you imagine would be from heaven except they don't carry the wings or the halo and they do not come from directly up above. A second hand angel could be anyone who has the capability to help others even total strangers. Yes, humans can be second hand angels. All you have to do is try your best to help others in need. So I will try my best with you.
I know you feel like disappearing. Who can really blame you? Your niece is majorly wrong for treating you and your parents the way she does. She has no right to force herself into your home and turn your whole entire house into her private day care center. Your life is not hers to manipulate and control whenever she feels like it. It is beyond cruel and inhumane what she puts you through. I know she's made you to believe you are helping her but you are not helping this woman the only thing you are doing is encouraging her irresponsible and insensitive behavior. I'm not telling you that you should never help her at all but I am telling you that you most certainly deserve to live life for yourself and have as many breaks as you choose. For as long as you choose. She does not have a right to take over your whole life with something that hurts you so much. Why?? To save herself a few dollars because she doesn't want to hire another babysitter? Is hurting you really worth saving a few dollars for? She seriously needs to realize the world doesn't revolve around her and other people are allowed to have their own feelings.
And if someone came into my home and laughed when their son threatened to harm my animals. Pretty damn disrespectful after everything you've had to put up with from her. Omg no further comment!
As far as this Bobby situation at some point in time you have to let yourself trust other people Star. It's essential. God only knows the pain you must have went through. Talking to someone for eleven years is an insane amount of time. I think that I can pinpoint exactly where the root of all your pain is coming from. Guilt. I can tell from your writing that you suffer an intense amount of guilt because you were always questioning if he was for real. For you to move on with your life you have to let go of the guilt. Guilt that you have no reason to feel. For eleven years this guy kept talking to you stringing you along and claimed he wanted to be your friend. He misled you to believe that he actually cared about you yet during that entire eleven year time it was too much trouble for him to pick up a damn phone and talk to you?? I would be insulted if a so called friend thought that less of me!
I can tell from the way you write that you are always feeling guilty and are constantly beating yourself up over questioning if he was real but you need to seriously S-T-O-P it. If this guy wouldn't give you something as simple as a phone call you have no reason to be so hard on yourself. So knock it off with the he hates me bit. It's HIS fault not yours. If he was for real then a phone call shouldn't have been that big of a deal should it ? Nope.
Then he actually blames YOU because you were always confused if he was for real?? Talk about emotional abuse! This guy sounds like the king of emotional abuse.
A phone call to a friend during hard times is probably one of the most caring things a person can do. It's during the worst times in our lives is when we find out who are true friends are.
Your too loyal to these people. So loyal that it's annoying. And yes that is a compliment but yet it is still very annoying.
Besides where is he right now? What kind of friend was he to let you suffer through all of this all by yourself ?? That is something you should be thinking about.
Plus with the physical health issues you are also battling the LAST thing you need is to be ate up with guilt. It's heartbreaking to sit there and watch you suffer and be so damn hard on yourself like that.
You are the sweetest most caring person and it's not right for you to waste all of the love and loyalty you have in your heart on people who treat you so ungratefully.
Don't disappear. I know your exhausted. It's hard to imagine all of the devastation you've had to deal with but please keep hanging in there. Someday down the road maybe your dream of helping people can come true. Maybe you are helping someone right now and not even realizing it. Your positive words and the hope you try to give others may be doing more good than you realize. I truly believe someday you have the power to help others. After everything that you have been through it would be a damn shame if you gave up now.
Re: im dying and no one cares
Posted: Thu Dec 07, 2017 9:14 pm
Yeah I guess I know how annoying I must always sound. I really do understand everything your saying. And your right somehow I have to let go of the guilt.
Tonight as I sat outside and watched the sun go down over the hills the clouds turned into the most beautiful sweet spun cotton candy , all deep pink and fluffy looking with bits of light still trying to shine through them even though it was getting so dark. Some parts of the sky around it turned a dark , navy blue like the tumbling deep blue ocean before a storm and the last part of the sky was as orange as a blazing fire. The dark trees that fell into the darkness were swaying back and forth and dancing in the wind.
How beautiful life is even though you are hurting. That is the one thing that a broken heart can never take away. The night before last I seen something called a Lunar Halo. If you don't know what one of them is it's hard to describe but imagine standing outside and looking up and seeing the most amazing view above you that you could imagine. A giant massive ring of bright light surrounding the whole moon. I heard somewhere it's actually ice crystals. It will take your breath away to see one of them. It did mine.
I want to help people so much but I don't think I'm in any position right now to. The only thing I can do is hope maybe some of the words that I've left behind here will find it's way into some people's hearts and at least help them a little. I know I messed up a lot. I know I should have tried harder and did better. I just hope that I haven't completely failed at it.
A couple of weeks ago my physical health really kicked me in the butt. I didn't think I would make it. It was really bad. I'm glad I'm sitting here right now but what about later down the road ? I really don't know.
And to make matters even more complicated do you remember how I said that my niece is now trying to take over my weekends with babysitting too ?? I found out awhile back ago she was using that time to sneak off whenever she could to be with another man ... and NOT the guy who she just had the baby with. She was sneaking around with the one guy who she cheated on her other ex boyfriend with. The married man who she had all those multiple abortions with and then the next night right after she was with him not even 24 hours later she was back with the father of the baby. It's crazy. She just goes back and forth. If she's going to use me the way she does she could have at least been honest about it. What a joke right? It's not fair how she thinks she can use people's lives any way she wants. When she uses me and my parents like that it makes me feel like I'm invisible. And feeling like your invisible is one of the most painful feelings in the world.
Does true love even exist anymore ? I mean real love. Honest to God love. Love that you would sacrifice your whole life for. Love that lasts a whole lifetime. Love so strong it makes it almost impossible to forget or get over someone. Love that when you lose them you lose a part of yourself and it's hard to even look at another person. Love now a days seems fragile and falls apart and disappears in your hand as fast as a snowflake melts when you hold it. It shouldn't be like that. I want to find a love that you would fight for or die for. Love that you dream about and it means more to you than all of the gold or treasures in the world. Love so that you could talk to the person about anything in the world and they always listen. Love that when you are a loser it makes you feel like a winner. Love where you never have to worry about someone abandoning you or replacing you. Love with someone you can laugh with and cry with. Someone you could trust with your deepest secrets... love where a person could never be too blind to see what was right in front of their face all along.
Love that is the other missing half of your soul.
That is the kind of love I dream about when I'm sitting outside under the stars and that is the kind of love I hope with all of my heart is out there in this big , huge world. It has to be out there doesn't it ?
That is the love I want to find before I die. But with my health issues my time is running out. I know that I'm the kind of person that loves too much. I have too much faith in people. I believe in people too much. I care too much. I obsess too much. But you know what? Life is too short for anything else because you honestly never know when your last day on earth is.
So if one of my sins in this life is caring and believing in something too much it's okay I will proudly stand for that. I was born a dreamer and I'll die a dreamer.
Starlight Forever & Ever and Always.....
Re: im dying and no one cares
Posted: Fri Dec 08, 2017 2:51 am
I was thinking about something as I was laying in bed a little bit ago. I think that I would rather live my whole entire life being a fool who always dreamed too big and loved too much instead of someone who never had that capability to feel like that. So maybe being a fool isn't such a bad thing after all.
I'm still scared. No scared doesn't even begin to describe it I'm terrified. There is a long road ahead of me and it's really scary because I don't know how things are going to turn out or if I'm going to be okay. I've got this positive attitude that has took me this far but what happens if something really awful happens to me? Am I going to be able to keep being strong?
There is a quote that helps me sometimes when I'm scared. It goes....
"If the stars were mine I would keep them exactly where they are but I will save one in my pocket to enlighten others when life gets dark."
I don't know who wrote it but it's really beautiful. I guess you just have to keep looking up. I think that when my time comes I hope they are the last thing that I get to see before I close my eyes forever.
Re: im dying and no one cares
Posted: Mon Dec 11, 2017 12:00 pm
The one thing I've learned in life is to always have faith. Faith is one of the strongest thing you can ever have. Have faith even when things around you seem impossible. Faith in people and in yourself and to never give up when you care about something and need to answers in your life. And finally after all of these years of having so much faith it finally pays off.
Through a lot of hard work and a whole lot refusing to never give up I finally found out the truth if Bobby was for real with me or not. Yesterday I was able to actually locate, meet and talk to his brother. I told his brother everything and he confirmed that I was definitely lied to all of these years. His brother was really nice and sympathetic.
Bobby is real all right but I never talked to him. Angie stole his online identity. She created countless emails and instant messenger names and went online pretending to be him.
Not only did she do this but she also had her husband and her mother get involved in it to make it look more real. She also had one of her friends Vicki go along with it. And it's just heart breaking to find out this grown woman who is even older than I am could go to such huge lengths to intentionally mislead me. For eleven years I talked to her when I thought it was someone else. All of those times she sat there and watched me cry, she listened while I talked about how scared I was she made me think this guy "at one time cared" about me. Then she made me think he hated me.
I just don't understand it. My mind is trying really hard to wrap around it and understand why but it just can't. And the crazy thing is I don't feel anger towards her. I should but I don't. I just feel so sad that I don't know how to feel anything else. I wish I could find out why she did it. Is she sick ? But if she was that sick how could she convince her husband , mother and friend to go along with it ? And why would they ? Or is she just mean ?? I don't know. I guess I will never know.
How in the world do I ever start over from something like this? How am I ever going to be comfortable talking to someone online again?
Last night I went outside to watch the sunset but there were no colors in the sky only dark gray and blue clouds. I searched everywhere in the sky trying to find just one tiny piece of color, just one little piece but I couldn't see any. I couldn't even see any stars. I sat outside for a long time waiting to see just one but they didn't come out. Last night was the one night I needed to see the stars more than anything. The very first thing I felt when I woke up this morning is feeling like throwing up.
I know in time all the hurt will fade but it's just tough right now.
The crazy thing is I forgive her. I forgive all of them. I don't even hate them. My heart is too broken to even hate them. But I do forgive them. I have to because I have to move on with my life.
Maybe I deserve this whole thing for being so stupid and foolish. I should have known better. I really should have.
I had faith before and now I have to somehow find that faith again. It's crazy how the one thing in life that finally sets you free is the one thing that breaks your heart beyond what words can describe.
Starlight Forever and Always.....
Re: im dying and no one cares
Posted: Mon Dec 11, 2017 8:10 pm
A little while ago I went outside and sat down in one of my favorite places that I like to go to. I sat there for awhile looking at my house shining in the dark the windows all lit up with light.
Guess what? The stars were back. I got to see them tonight. They sat there twinkling in the beautiful night sky. There is just something about a cold night that makes the stars seem to twinkle more than usual. Like they are dancing right in front of your eyes. Maybe it's just an illusion but it never ceases to always be amazing.
A cloud sat off in the distance and it reminded me of a huge white wave from the ocean rising up when the wind of a storm hits the water and sends it shooting straight up in the air. It mimicked that kind of thing exactly and it was lit up bright with the light of the moon. And off in the west a dozen sparkling stars sat like silent boats in a quiet ocean of darkness. As I writer I wish that I could describe it better. I should be able to but I'm just tired. Damn it I just give up.
Want to know something? I'm always the queen of positivity. I try to be anyway. But I don't want to be positive tonight because it just hurts... I think everything has just been too much. I don't even feel like I want to try anymore.
Have you ever felt that something was just the last straw?
I've always felt like disappearing but I've always somehow found something to hold on to , some small reason to stay holding on , to keep on trying, to keep pushing forward. But I'm having so much trouble finding that right now. I think the heaviness and the reality of everything that has went on is really hitting me tonight.
I'm never going to be okay again.
I just wish I could disappear.
Re: im dying and no one cares
Posted: Sun Feb 04, 2018 6:16 am
For a while I thought that I didn't have to come back here. I finally had my answers about the Bobby situation and I finally had that closure and peace of mind that I always wished so desperately for. I remember the first two days after I met his brother and when it hit me that everything had been a cruel lie. For about two days I walked around like a complete zombie because it was so hard to accept the fact that all those years I was lied to. But then slowly I started building myself back up. I still hurt every once in awhile over it. I'm sure I will for the rest of my life but for the most part I'm doing okay.
The bigger problem now is trying to deal with my niece being so pushy. And trying to deal with the devastating news about my mom. My mother had a stroke on New Years Eve night. She's okay it was a small one but it's still scary as hell. She has to go to rehab therapy and learn to use the left side of her body again. I've been helping her all I can. I cook , I clean, I do the laundry and I help her wash her hair. She is doing really well and recovering but it terrifies me because there is always another chance she can have another one. The doctor said you really have to be careful the first year after you have a stroke because there is a risk you can have another one. I'm glad that I'm here living with my mom and am close to her and can help.
The other day I ran into my niece's best friend and we started talking. She was asking about how my mother was getting along. One thing led to another and the subject of my niece came up. Have you ever had one of those gut feelings about someone? It's like you have a feeling down deep inside of you that you can't quite put your finger on or explain but it's there. You don't know how to explain it but it's really strong and it tells you something just isn't right about a person. I've always had that feeling about my niece. A feeling way down deep inside me telling me that something just wasn't right about her. Now I know for sure.
It turns out that my niece's best friend doesn't really like her much at all anymore. She told me that my niece was always taking advantage of her too. She said my niece would call her on the phone all of the time and tell her that she wanted to go out and have some girl time with her. Like a fun ladies day out. Go to the movies , go shopping , go get a pizza. You know the kind of things women like to do on a night out together. So my niece's best friend would get all excited and do her hair , put her make up on and wait for my niece to come and pick her up ...and wait....and wait... and wait .... for hours... But my niece would never show up. She wouldn't even call and tell her why she never showed up. She did this over and over and over until she finally found out why she was always being " stood up."
It turns out that my niece only called and made plans to so stuff with her because my niece's boyfriend was in the room and she wanted him to intentionally hear her say she was going out with her best friend.... when she was actually planning to sneak off to go sleep around with that married man.
My niece didn't give a shit about her best friend's feelings she was just using her so she would have an alibi.
And remember when I said she had those three abortions with that married guy? She actually had five abortions.
Then when she heard that her best friend was pregnant she ran out and got herself pregnant on purpose because she thought it would be "cool" to have a baby at the same time as her best friend. And she also intentionally planned to use me and my parents as her daycare center right from the very beginning And the sickest thing in the world is it hadn't even been very long at all since her last abortion that she did all this.
She terminated five of her future children's lives like they were absolutely nothing and then turned around and intentionally got herself pregnant right after that just because her friend was. It's crazy. Even her best friend says that she can't stand my niece anymore.
How could someone do that? How can somebody be okay with living their life like that? Yeah, I get that people can live life however the hell they want because it's their life but oh my God how can that be considered right or even fair?? How can it even be considered decent or human?
And I found out that she doesn't give a shit about my feelings she never did. Did you know that a week after my mother's stroke when I'm standing there helping my mom learn to wash her hair again my niece comes to us and asks us both to babysit again??? A freaking week after my mom's stroke.
It's winter here and it's been a hard one. I miss sitting outside watching the stars and the moon. I miss hearing the sounds of the night playing in my ears like a beautiful song. The sound of the coyotes and the owls and the crickets. I miss seeing the way the stars magically become and instant ocean above me. I miss the feel of the warm summer wind on my skin and laying on my back and watching the planes fly across the sky deep into the night. They are so high up in the dark sky they look like stars themselves. You sit there watching them thinking they are stars until you see them move. I like to watch their flashing colors of red and blue. I wonder where they are going. I imagine what it would feel like to fly over mountains and oceans and cities. I heard when your in plane you can look out and see the clouds around you. I imagine it would be so beautiful and amazing.
I've come a long way. A hell of a long way. I've survived when I thought that I wouldn't. I need a break. My mom needs a break. She is 75 years old. For the last two years we have both basically been my niece's personal slave and it needs to stop. No more damn guilt trips from her. I am not a bad person just because I can't give my whole life to her. My life is MINE not hers to use however she wants. And I love my mom I don't want her took advantage of either. Esp now.
I've dealt with depression, anxiety, the devastation from infertility and physical health issues of my own. I don't owe anything in life to anyone but myself.
As awful as it is to say my niece is one of those people you call toxic.
I didn't want to come back here because I wanted to finally believe that everything was somehow going to be okay and that I was finally learning to deal with everything. I guess I was wrong.
So here I am again and it's tough. Dealing with all of this all alone is exhausting. I wish someone was here to throw their arms around me and just hold me for awhile. But there is no one and I'm here all alone.
Re: im dying and no one cares
Posted: Sun Feb 04, 2018 4:22 pm
I’m sorry you have to face all of these things you have mentioned alone, Jons. That sounds like a lot of weight to be carried by one person. I don’t know if there is any truth to the adage that god won’t give us any more than we can carry, as an agnostic I don’t know what god is, but I think either way, it has to be true in the end because we always surprise ourselves and keep moving despite all of it.
I am so sorry to hear about your mom. I think she is so very lucky to have a son so dedicated. My grandmas health hasn’t been great the past few years, and my dad will always be making sure she is taken care of, and that alone has made a huge difference, so I hope you know how important you are for her health and how you are exceeding what most people are willing to do.
I’m sorry your niece sounds like a sociopath. I hope you can protect yourself and your mother. You are very right to say you have walked through enough pain and struggle to let someone make you feel like you owe them your guilt. Anger is sometimes a useful emotion, as it can motivate change and fortify you. Doubt ca always deep into any emotion, but sometimes anger is justified and i think you are justified to be angry and want to be left alone. In the end, as you prolly know (you seem wiser than me) we all have to go our own way, unfortunately, and it sounds like your niece has made her own bed, and it’s time for her to walk her own way. Life is full of tragedies— often times useless tragedy. Milton used the phrase, “stupid evil” when describing Lucifer beholding Eve (the first woman) for the first time. His tragedy is he realized that the creator he rebelled against had made something breathtaking, and Lucifer’s rebellion excluded him from this creation. Likewise, people will deny the wonders in this world because of their arrogance, and those are the people that you have to let be. If they have “fallen” (I don’t mean any moral connotation here) they must be left to decide what they will do next. So, good luck to you.
You sound like an incredible guy, Jon’s, keep pushing
Re: im dying and no one cares
Posted: Sun Feb 04, 2018 6:09 pm
Hi there Olive. It's nice to meet you and thank you for everything you said. My name is Star like a star in the night time sky and I'm a girl. I chose the name Jon's Dragon Eyes because Jonny was one of the names of my rescue cats.
I won't let anyone make me feel guilty anymore for trying to survive.
Love and Hugs always to you. And again thank you for everything.
Re: im dying and no one cares
Posted: Sun Feb 04, 2018 6:18 pm
Ah, I’m sorry, Star >\\<
I’m glad to read about someone so strong so thank you :)
Re: im dying and no one cares
Posted: Sun Feb 04, 2018 6:39 pm
Aw, don't be sorry. It's no problem at all.
I wrote this poem about my niece. But I haven't had the courage to give it to her yet.......... Someday I will though.
" I am not here to please you. I am here to survive. I will not follow you. I refuse to lose my own sunlight from walking so close to your shadow. At the end of the day I am the only one that can truly be there for myself.
Nobody knows my heart better than I do. Nobody knows my pain better than I do. Nobody has ever walked in the exact same footsteps as I have. And nobody ever will.
Your opinion of me means nothing. My opinion of myself means everything. My life is not yours to judge. My life is mine and I have the right to make my life as beautiful and happy as possible.
Don't speak ill of my name when you know nothing about what the true meaning of my name really is.
Don't expect me to walk the same path as you. The path I am meant to walk can only be seen with my two eyes. Don't expect me to think or feel like you because I was born into this world with a heart that has a mind of it's own.
Never try to control my life because at the end of the day when I close my eyes those dreams that I see belong to me and you have no right to try to take them away from me.
Don't ever try to speak for me because I was made to have a voice of my own.
My life is not yours to answer to. My life is mine to live however I choose and I will never let the key to my jail cell fall into another person's hands." --
Nobody should ever have to feel like they have to justify their own broken heart. Nobody
Love and hugs forever , Star