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Re: im dying and no one cares
Posted: Tue Apr 11, 2017 9:55 am
Very relatable. I used to have panic attacks about going to sleep and not waking up. My relief was waking up every morning. You are isolated from the world, so you are in a situation where finding good friends is hard to come by. If you don't want to give up your beautiful escape maybe you can visit relatives in the city. Being around family at their social events can break the ice. I don't advise online friends coming to your home it puts you in a unsafe environment. I have had a online friend for several years and we have never met. It was helpful to have someone to talk to
Re: im dying and no one cares
Posted: Tue May 23, 2017 12:52 am
Thank you Unstable1. I know what you mean about the falling asleep fear. I've had that myself a few times too.
I don't want someone who promises me the moon and stars I just want someone who will lay on the grass and watch them with me ... I seen that expression once and it describes exactly how I feel.
I never really expected Bobby to come to my house I just wanted a friend to love with my whole heart and to care about and know that they were someone that I could feel 100% safe with. That's the key word through the whole thing. Safe. Someone that whenever I needed a friend I know I could count on them to be there. Whenever I was scared , whenever I was worried , when I felt lonely. That's all.
Eleven years with this guy ( or whoever it was ) and he kept coming back and talking to me and every single time he did that it kept my hope up that he would really be my friend. I'm stupid so I guess a lot of the blame should fall on me. I should have known better. I've always had to learn things the hard way.
Maybe I deserved it I don't know. I once heard the expression that a wound will never heal as long as you keep touching it. I guess I must have set a record for touching my own heartache too much.
I trusted him with all my heart and that is something I just don't do. If I let you inside my personal life its very rare and he was one of the very , very few people that I have let myself get that close to. I'm moving on with my life but still every once awhile the pain flares up and it burns like a jagged piece of lightning in a warm summer sky.
Sometimes on warm nights I will sit outside when it's almost dark. The time of day where the world is caught somewhere in between the evening and the night and I can see the lightning up in the clouds over the hills and I swear it looks pinkish or red hued. It could be reflecting the rays of the sun I don't know but it's how I feel inside at those times when I think of Bobby and still miss him. The different colored lightning dances painfully in the sky in between the clouds and is lost somewhere inside the half light and half darkness.
I'm not the same person that I used to be. The whole situation with him changed me. I wont take the chance of someone hurting me ever again. I'm ready to spend the rest of my life all alone. I wont let anyone ever have the chance to hurt me again like he did.
So Ive taught to myself to survive all by myself. And its a lonely road. I know the sound all too well of what your heartbeat all alone in a room sounds like.
Eleven years of talking with someone .... yeah that's a really long time.
And as far as the issue with my niece all I can say is .... I want to see things , I want to do things , I want to taste life , I want to sleep under the stars , I want to drive around my state and take pictures , I want to help save the historical home in my town , I want to breathe , I want to help as many people as I can , I want to make a difference before I die .. I don't want someone telling me what I have to do with what could possibly be my last days of being alive in this world , I want to decide its my life , I don't want to sit there day after day and constantly be reminded by my niece of what hurts me the most. It's a dream that I have very slowly and painfully learned to accept and deal with and let go of. I want to go out and do the things that I love.... Nobody's life should revolve around what " someone else's schedule allows" I was born to be me ... I was born to be Star not born to live my life only for my niece's needs.
For a long time the guilt killed me. I worried myself to death wondering what people would think. Would they think I was a selfish person ? Would they think I was a jerk ? Would they think because it's hard for me to be around children that I hated kids ? But I've learned that you can be obsessed with worrying what people think. What people think about you isn't important. Until the day someone can stand inside your own body and feel every single beat of your heart is the day that someone earns the right to judge you.... and until they do that they have no right. I can't live my life for anyone else other than myself. And my niece is horrible at expecting everyone around her to drop everything in their lives and serve every need she has. And just like Vicki who has no idea about what I've truly gone through , she has no right to judge me either. I don't really care what she thinks either. I'm getting over that too.
I won't feel guilty anymore for being myself. If I lose people because of that then I guess I will just have to lose them ... I'm learning to accept that too.
I've beaten my depression but what I'm afraid most of now is that I can't beat my physical health issues.
Physical health issues and depression are ugly and terrifying but they also teach you too. They teach you to live in a way that you have never lived before because life can be gone in an instant. And that's all that I want to do now is live.
Live for as long as I'm allowed to live.
And thank you TerriK I've thought a lot about what you wrote on here. I love the way you talked about listening to the train whistle with your father. Sometimes when I'm outside at night looking up at the stars I think about what you wrote and in my mind I can hear the train whistle echoing out over the darkness. That is a really beautiful picture. Thank you SO much for telling me about that. I will always remember that.
And thank you too Scorpio68 for caring.
And nobody could have ever said it better than secondhand angel. Those were the words I desperately needed to hear so much. Those were the words that I desperately needed all of this time for someone to tell me.
Life is beautiful beyond depression but it can be taken away from you in a heartbeat. Don't lose yourself along the way.
Your heart will always be your most beautiful and most powerful weapon in this world. Fight like hell against all of the things that try to take it away from you
Starlight forever .......
Re: im dying and no one cares
Posted: Tue May 23, 2017 11:06 pm
I got some news today. My father isn't doing very well. He's been sick for a long time with his heart but a visit at the doctor today said that he doesn't have much time left.
Today I sat there watching the clouds rolling in the sky feeling so helpless and all alone. Even though I knew my dad hasn't been well for a long time I just wasn't fully prepared to get that kind of news.
I know I was stupid. I know I was ignorant but I tried to talk to Vicki again. I know I shouldn't have but there is no one else here for me. And I wanted to try one last time. I needed someone. I needed a friend. Badly
She wouldn't even answer me. I sat there for the longest time waiting for her to answer but she wouldn't even say one single word to me.
Sometimes at night I will sit in my swing on my front porch deck and I will look up at the huge night sky above me. The sky so full of shiny stars and when the wind is blowing and I imagine myself aboard great big ship out in the middle of the ocean. The bright stars leading the way through the dark water and the wind on my skin feels soft like it would if it came from blowing off the ocean.
I guess this is one of those times that no matter how hard you try you just can't stay positive. I'm trying. I swear to God I am it's just hard. How do you say goodbye to your father ? How do you sleep at night knowing it may be the last night that you will see him alive ?
I hate death. Death is horrible and it's cruel. I remember in my darkest hours I questioned if I even wanted to be alive but now I know that life is one of the most beautiful gifts we could have ever possibly have been given.
I know that every time I see a sunset or a rainbow or a bird fly across the sky. The other day after it rained I watched a bird land in a puddle in my yard and flapped it's wings in the water and as the water from it's wings flew up into the air it caught he light of the sunshine and sparkled like diamonds. Throughout our whole lifetime we are exposed to so many things that try to take our hearts away from us but seeing things like this make life worth holding on to.
I know that every time I hear a coyote howl into the night when I'm laying in bed watching the moon and my window is wide open and the curtains are blowing in the breeze. I know it in my most painful times when I put my hand on my chest and feel my heart still beating.
But damn why can't life just please give me a break from the pain once in awhile ? I have been through so much.
I wonder what my mom will do if something happens to both me and my dad because my health isn't so good either.
I think about a lot of things. I think about a lot of things in life that I never got the chance to do. The one thing that hurts me the most is I never got to find true love.
My life has been a hell of a journey. And you never know when that journey is going to come to end. You never know when you will get the last chance in the whole world to count the stars in the sky or watch the pretty red and purple and golden colors the clouds make when the sun first comes up on a new day.
And when you look at the world through the eyes of your broken heart and get the chance to stand there and say hey I made it farther than I ever thought I could only to have that taken away from you all over again... it hurts. It burns like a fire inside your stomach and you feel that tremble all the way deep down into your soul.
I don't want give up now. Not when I came this far but I would give my whole entire body weight in gold to have a friend wrap me in their arms right now and just hold me for the longest time.
My name is Star and I'm still trying to shine... keep shining.... keep shining...... I keep telling myself but damn how much more can one person take?
I'm still shining though always and forever right ?
Always and forever
Re: im dying and no one cares
Posted: Wed May 24, 2017 2:56 pm
When I first started coming on this site I never thought that I would stay so long , or that I would write this much or that it would even impact me that much at all. I didn't have anywhere else in the whole world to turn to. Nobody understood my depression not even my own mother who is my very best friend in the whole world. And nothing hurts more than your best friend not understanding something so huge. I don't know how many times I tried to sit her down and talk to her about my depression but she just didn't get how serious it is. And the thing is, I know she loves me. It just tears me apart that my own mother didn't understand. The only other people I had in my life were the ones I talked to online "Vicki and Bobby" ... and I guess I knew down deep in my heart I was the victim of a very cruel online lie. I kept going back to them because I simply didn't have anyone else to go to.
No one has the right to mistreat you or treat you so cruel and harsh just because you question their honesty. I've asked myself a million times what could I have ever possibly done to deserve to be treated so rotten by Vicki and Bobby etc..... The only time Bobby ever offered to meet me and prove who he was he wanted me to " just meet him somewhere " without any proof BEFORE hand that he was actually who he was. No phone calls , no video chats, nothing...... So basically and simply put I was just supposed to just go meet him .. and when I asked him to at least call me first so I could talk to him he wouldn't do it... What kind of person is willing to meet you in person but refuses to ever talk to you on the phone ? It doesn't make any sense. And then he hates me when I don't believe he was for real. It's crazy.
When your lonely you do some pretty foolish things. You let people treat you really shitty because there's no one else there and you keep that hope in your heart that one day they will somehow start treating you better. You make a million excuses for them and you keep telling yourself they are going to change... but they never do.
I seriously have no clue what I'm going to do. I have no idea how I'm going to keep my strength up with everything I have to deal with now. I felt so bad but for awhile last night I thought it would just be easier to swallow a bunch of pills and just go to sleep and never wake up. But I know that it is something I CANNOT ever let myself do. I also know when your upset and overwhelmed you think some pretty dumb a** things.
Damn it, I know in my heart that I never came this far to die like that now. All I know is that every single time I start getting my life back together something awful happens and I'm so freaking tired of dealing with it all by myself. How is one human being supposed to deal with depression , anxiety , infertility and my niece never letting me for one single second get my mind off of it and think about something else , plus my own physical health issues , no real friends that I feel safe with , and now my dad dying soon. I feel so small inside just like a little kid and the thought that keeps going through my mind is why can't the doctor fix him ? That's the doctors job isn't it ?? But I also know that life is more complicated than that and sometimes things happen that not even a doctor can fix and when it's time for someone to go it's just their time. My dad is one of the bravest people I know though. He's had heart trouble for a very long time from a heart attack , faced getting a pacemaker , prostrate surgery and congestive heart failure. Now his heart is so weak from everything that it won't last much longer. I wish that I could be as brave as he is.
They tell you that God will never give you more than what you can handle but I think that is BS. I really do.
I don't know who reads these posts that I write here but I do remember what someone commented on awhile back. Nenkohai2. And Nenkohai said with all my pain processed what a gift to the world I could be and he seen that through my writing. That's why I write. I don't do it just for myself but for others as well. That's what I thought of last night when I wanted to give up. You see , my writing just isn't "writing" it's so much more than just that it's a real lifeline to me . And I want more than anything in the world for what Nenkohai2 said to be true. I would love to help people with depression someday. First I have to help myself though.
In my darkest times when I didn't have anyone in the whole world but myself I had my writing. If the window to a persons soul could be put into words and form a lifeline that reaches down into the darkest part of their nightmares reaching farther than ever imagined to find the key that unlocks the door to your life again and helps you find the light and hope that you've been searching so long for I want to do it.
I want it to save my life and I dream that it will help others someday too.
Starlight forever and ever
Re: im dying and no one cares
Posted: Fri Jun 09, 2017 2:59 am
I took one of my favorite blanket shaws and I set there in the quiet semi darkness and watched the blue and silver and white fog envelop everything around me swirling and churning in a comforting blanket under the misty moon....
The other morning I think I saw Heaven. I talk so much about sunsets but not so much about sunrises. I guess I just wanted to add that part in. The sky opened up in a clear pink foamy clouds with a single touch of a breath taking golden light set back on a sky of clear white...
I guess I have a million things going through my mind right now.
I've talked a couple of times on here awhile back about an old historic building located in my town that I've grown up loving very dearly most of my life. A place that is now in danger of being completely tore down.
There's a committee trying to save it but the county is fighting them every single step of the way. Truth is it doesn't look too good right now. I make a lot of excuses just so I can ride by there in the car and look at it. Just seeing it standing there is a sight for my sore eyes. I've always wondered if it was possible to fall in love with an old house and I believe it is. All you have to do is love something with all of your heart. It doesn't have to be a person....
The other day I went there and just stood there looking at it and thinking back to all of the memories that it brought me.
I stood there in the warm bright sunshine shining down on me watching the wind through the leaves of the dark green trees when I should be feeling so warm inside from the sunlight but I felt so cold. Colder than I have ever felt for a long time. I felt an ache in my heart so deep that it goes beyond the kind of pain that you feel in your heart and stretches deep down to the darkest part of your soul.
As I was standing there I heard someone coming up behind me and I turned around and a man who I had never met before in my whole life started talking to me. He was my fathers age and told me he had been one of the residents of this place years ago and he shared the same hopes and dreams as I did wishing the place could be saved. He had the kindest eyes and the warmest smile across his wrinkled face when he talked about his time spent living there. One of the saddest things he said to me that makes me feel like crying is when he stated about how much he would love to see the place saved before he dies. He's 79.
Take a walk back in time with me back to many , many years ago when the heart of this beautiful structure building was first born back in 1917. One hundred amazing years ago. It is an enchanting building made of red brick and has balcony's that are so tall they seem to touch the clouds in the sky and impressive porches that long ago I am sure many people sat and held conversations on those porches as the sun went down below the hills. Stairways where people walked years before any of us alive today have taken their first breath of life into this world. And so many rooms it's hard to even count. Curved and winding stairways that wrap around themselves and make you feel like you are in another world and time when you walk down them..... I myself have taken many walks inside this place and I can tell you it is a place of true grace and elegance.
During the depression it was a safe house for people who had no other place in the whole world to turn to , the sick , the elderly , the dying and even unwed mothers.
Many years down the road it became known for many other types of benefits to the town and people including a part of our county's fair association and the home sat gracefully by while the giant wheel of the Ferris wheel and Merry go round continually turned burning their rainbow colored nights into the hot summer nights that smelled like the sweet spun sugar of cotton candy.
When I was a teenager my sister was one of the caretakers of this place I would sneak upstairs to the second floor near one of the balcony doors and sleep in a sleeping bag and watch the moon and stars through the huge picture window above one of the porches.
Part of my childhood is in that house. And a part of many people's lives before mine are left in the dust and shadows of that place.
I loved every piece of this damn house. Sometimes in the middle of the night while staying there I would wake up and hear the gentle sounds that old houses make in the dark night when they are settle. I can still hear it in my minds memory and can still smell that sweet old musty smell that old homes give off.
The thought of someone demolishing this place and wiping out its entire existence forever because of money breaks my heart in more than a million pieces and I cant even begin to describe the pain.
The commissioners of my town don't want this house saved though. They would rather see it demolished to make room for other things put in its place things that line their pockets with more money. They see it more as a nuisance and purposely neglected it slowly letting it fall a part piece by piece over many years.
The thing is it can be saved but they have the power to keep it from being saved.
I turned 16 in that house. Best damn birthday of my life. I didn't give a shit about the cake or the presents. Just to be able to know that I had the opportunity to love a place like this was enough for me. I wish I could somehow wrap my arms around it and keep it safe always because when you think about it having something only exist in your memory is more painful than ever.
It's sad the way the world is now a days. It seems everywhere you turn there's violence , negativity , insensitivity , people thinking too much of theirselves ......
And I just want to ask why ? Why are some people as human beings so closed hearted ? Why are some so opened hearted and giving and yet others so cold and callous ? What goes on inside some people's hearts so that they can only see a situation from their own side ?
Will we ever wake up to a world where people start opening their own hearts more towards other human beings ? Is that such an impossible dream that it can't ever come true ?
My problem is I never let myself get mad enough. I take the things that hurt me and let them go straight to my heart and let them eat me alive instead of getting angry and standing up for myself. And while we live in a world with too much anger sometimes anger in your own defense is totally okay.
I am angry deep inside for all those years I had to sit by and watch my niece abandon her first child when he was younger , and then her having all those abortions and yeah I get everyone is allowed to do whatever the hell they want with their own personal life but I still find that really excessive and disgusting and then I had to watch her suddenly out of the blue on a crazy impulse get pregnant because she thought she had to literally have a baby just because her best friend did. Even her best friend thinks she was crazy to do that. And I'm also angry because I see her literally and intentionally using both me and my parents lives for her own freaking personal convenience no matter how tired we are or the sacrifices we had to make just to suit her personal needs.
And I'm still angry at the other people I trusted online with all my heart because now I can't even get in touch with a single solitary soul when my own father is dying and I have to face that huge mountain all alone. That huge impossible mountain when I'm already dealing with so much other stuff already.
I'm angry because there are people in the world that think money is more important than an irreplaceable piece of history. And sometimes no matter how hard you fight to make a difference in this world it just doesn't matter.
I'm angry because my own personal physical health issues isn't very good too and I'm scared that I might die never , ever finding true love.
I started this post saying that I'm dying and no one cares well I'm now also drowning and no one cares.
I hate being all alone. That expression what doesn't kill you makes you stronger is sometimes BS. Sometimes you need people in your life.
Like I said I would give my whole entire body weight in gold to have a real genuine friend in my life to feel completely safe with.
When I close my eyes tonight I'll dream about friendships that never die , history that is always respected , and all the beautiful things in life that you hold dear you never have to see them die or fade away.
starlight forever and ever ......
I'll keep trying to shine
Sometimes on even the darkest of nights the clouds cover the stars but the stars are still there aren't they ?
Yeah they are.
Re: im dying and no one cares
Posted: Sat Jun 10, 2017 5:16 am
Hi Jones( I beleive this is your name )
I read few of your posts and came to know about your issues. First of All I am deeply sad to know about your Father Health. May God give him speedy recovery. I must say your observation about nature and happening is quite good and you observe things very closely. And also your experience with online friends remained not good. This is all part of life . Good and bad things are part of life .
I was suffering from this Lonelines and depression for a long time but now it's been more than 3 years I came out of it and saw life is so beautiful and dear and near... Now I try to help people to come out of it as I can understand how it feels
People are never bad .. It is there Act that makes them bad .. People with bad act give us a valuable experience that teaches us the bitter reality but it doesn't means that whole world is like that
I came across this thing that when you start thinking , caring and solving the problems for others you forget your own pain . Now I try to apply this practice in every possible matter and yes it really works. While doing this I found My one in Billion with whom I can share everything and who guides me in all paths of my life. So my humble suggestion is for you same . Try to help others and you will come across the one you are looking for ....
Re: im dying and no one cares
Posted: Wed Jun 14, 2017 8:01 am
I hope you always remember how special you are and that no matter what your feelings do matter. Nobody has a right to come into your life and put you through the hell that they've put you through.
Certainly no disrespect meant but your niece is an adult and really needs to grow up and start making more responsible choices in her life. If she wanted to have another child which like I said she is entitled to she could have at least done it a bit more responsibly. You don't decide overnight to get yourself knocked up simply because your friend is. Having a baby is a bit more realistic than that. I mean hey it's not like getting a puppy. She should never have planned for you to put your whole life on hold just for her. That is very self absorbed on her part. Sounds a little bit like she's manipulating you.
Stop beating yourself up on the guilt trips. You are allowed to say no to her. Your allowed to say no to anything that makes you that uncomfortable. Remember that middle finger I told you about ?? Use it if necessary. People will walk all over you if you let them. Don't be a doormat.
Asking you to babysit once in awhile if she needed help is fine but her expecting you to literally have no life for yourself because you are so busy helping her is very messed up. And besides why is she going out there getting herself pregnant after having three abortions anyway ? Wow, it must be nice to turn motherhood on and off like a light switch. She is allowed to live her life anyhow she wants I suppose but damn. smh
It's tough to imagine the pain you must have to live with every single day of your life never being able to get away from something that hurts you that much Star. Plus being in such tremendous pain and not a single person around you understanding or even willing to help you so you have to basically sit there and suffer all alone. She has no right to put you through that kind of hurt. There is no way in hell she would be all right with someone putting her through that so why should she expect you to go through all of that for her ???
I find it sad that she uses your life for her own personal wants and needs. Nobody has a right to treat another in that form. I hope someday you find the peace of mind you deserve. You put up with so much BS from the wrong kind of people.
I also hope someday God sends you the people you truly need in your life. You have so much on your plate right now. Being alone is the last thing you need.
Bobby must be one of the most clueless people on earth. I doubt very seriously he was even who he claimed to be. I know how frustrating it must be to never totally know for sure. You want answers more than anything but are never able to get them. If he is for real he is a very insensitive guy to say the least. Don't give your heart to someone who has no clue in the beauty or value of it Star.
Somewhere out there is a guy that will fall in love with that beautiful part inside of you that depression didn't get the chance to take away. That part inside of you that was so pure and strong that depression couldn't take even shake. The same part of you that found the strength to watch sunsets and wish on stars and fall in love with the moon in the sky. The side of you that kept wanting to reach out and help people even when you were in so much pain you felt like dying yourself. The very special part of you that Bobby was too blind to see could be another guys dream come true. Someday some man will thank Bobby for being so blind.
How could he not understand how much he hurt you ?? Like I said most guys who were for real would never stand by and let that kind of thing happen. Not if he truly cared about you in the first place.
Do yourself a huge favor stop waiting around hoping Bobby will someday see you for who you really are. This guy is never going to see you for who you really are. I just pray he was at least for real because if he wasn't and it was those people's idea of an online lie they are very sick.
I hope your able to find the true love and friendship you are so desperately searching before it's too late.
Physical health issues can be terrifying. And yes nobody ever really knows when our last days in this world will be. For yourself or for anyone else such as your family members. We wake up each day never knowing or realizing that it could be our last. We take life for granted believing that we always have more time but life can be gone in an instant.
Keep shining because with a light like the one you have in your heart you most definitely were put here in this world for a purpose and that purpose isn't to just sit on your ass and fulfill every want , need and desire your niece has. You are better than that and you deserve better than that. You don't deserve to be used , taken advantage of or your feelings abused.
Live whatever time you have left of life strictly for yourself. You are quite right when you say it is your life and no one has a right to take that away from you.
Re: im dying and no one cares
Posted: Sun Jun 18, 2017 12:51 am
Thank you Sultan but please call me Star like a star in the sky. That's my name. Thank you for your advice. I appreciate it very much. And I do understand.
To anyone reading this....
Depression is like being in jail and depression is the prison guard.... that need for survival you can't find it anymore but that feeling of living again is still there I swear to God it's still there I know I'm a total stranger and you may think I'm talking out my ass or that your so far gone that you can't see it but I swear to you its still there you just can't give up on it.
Everything said by SecondhandAngel is true. I read the advice in that post a dozen times. And I know I will read it a dozen more times the next time I feel down and need it and yeah there will be a next time. I am sure.
I'll take that middle finger and shove it right up my niece's a** ( figure of speech of course ) and as far as Bobby is concerned I'm done with him too. It's hard to write this without crying. He left me there to die all alone. The worst thing is he acted like he cared about me but when I needed him the most he let me down ... I wanted to feel so safe with him. I'm done with him. I don't want to think about him , I don't want to talk about him , I don't want to write about him anymore. I'm just done ... with both of them. I still care about my niece but until she realizes other people have rights to their feelings I'm done with her too.
Tonight after dark I sat in the swing on the deck of my front porch under the warm , yellow glow of the porch light , enjoying the cool night air on my skin and listening to the sound of the tree frogs , crickets and owls. It was music to my ears. Sometimes if your lucky you can even hear a whippoorwill.
The stars in the sky stretched on for miles and miles and beyond them stretches roads and mountains and cities. There is life out there and there is life inside me too. I can breathe, I can move, I can hear, I can see, I can dance ... if I wanted to although I have two left feet. I don't exactly feel like dancing in the literal sense right now but I'm alive and that's what matters and when your alive you have the possibility for anything to be able to happen.
You know what ? I got out the first time in a long time today. I love getting out so much and talking to people again. I love people. People of all colors , shapes , personality's , originality and sizes. I always have. Depression makes you forget that too. Depression makes you not care. One of the first places I went to was to see nice lady that was head of the Restoration Committee to save that historical home I have been talking about. She is so courageous and strong willed and determined , I love hearing her stories about the home and her battle with the county even though it doesn't look good she still isn't giving up fighting. Walking along the streets of my home town I smiled at at total strangers , I felt the the 90 degree hot sunshine on the streets of my town , I watched a huge Dollar General truck drive by , I seen someones cat with a sparkly pink collar laying on the grass ... I seen LIFE and I freaking like feeling like living again.
A lot of people don't even think to get happy because they see something as small as those things and that goes to show you how depression can take the smallest of things away from you.
There was a rummage sale for the benefit of that historical home trying to raise money with all of the proceeds of the charity going to it. I bought a little fuzzy teddy bear and brought it home and sat the bear beside a picture of the home that I have on my desk. Right beside the bear and the picture of the historical home is a framed picture of an article from my towns newspaper where was interviewed by the editor about my experiences in the historical home..... I made a difference , I had a voice and your voice can make a difference in this world ... I can hear the sound of my voice again... and no one is ever going to take that away from me again.
When you have depression it makes you forget the sound of your own voice. You can't even hear the sound of your own voice talking to you. During the darkest part of my depression sometimes it seemed like I was trapped in a far away castle. Trapped all alone in tall gray tower far from the ground and I couldn't escape. When I looked out the window of the tower I could see the old me , the happy me on another tower right across other side from me but no matter how much I screamed and tried to break through and get to my old self I couldn't do it. Depression makes you forget to feel the beat of your own heart.
It makes you think that dying is the only way out when that is just the opposite because the only thing that dying guarantees is that you just shot your chance all to hell of ever getting better again.
I can't wave a magic wand and everything will be okay again. My dad is still dying and I'm still going to have to deal with that all alone. How the hell I'm going to be able to fight that huge of a battle all alone I don't know. But I refuse to give up easily.
And yeah there are still going to be days where depression tries to suck the life out of me.
I'm still fighting a battle with my own physical health issues a battle I may not be able to win. I might really die. I don't know. And that scares me so freaking bad.
If a lion would lion attack you your not going to lay down and die are you ? You may be exhausted and bloody and feeling beaten down but you keep fighting... depression is the same way as that lion. Life is the same way...
In your life I can 100 % guarantee the heart inside you never leaves you. Never
Hope is one of the most beautiful words in the world. Please don't ever lose that.
keep fighting and yes keep shining
Starlight forever and ever
Re: im dying and no one cares
Posted: Wed Jul 05, 2017 3:31 pm
You know what kind of people make the biggest difference in this world ? The kind of people who despite all efforts life gives them to give up they keep pressing on. They press on despite the pain , despite their own self doubt wondering or not if they even want to live , they still press on despite the fact life hurts so much they think they can't survive. Those are the type of people who have the capability to change this world for the better. Those kind of people are Y-O-U Star. You have the power inside of you and the light inside your heart to make that happen.
Keep being strong. Keep being angry. You deserve to be angry. Anger in healthy doses helps you survive. You deserve to defend yourself.
DO NOT let your niece take that away from you. You were not put in this world to basically and quite honestly be the slave to her personal life. You were born to do amazing things in life and you can't do those things as long as she is controlling so much of your life and holding you back. Plus like I said for her to suffocate you to death with something that hurts you is cruel.
And keep putting Bobby behind you!! Bobby doesn't deserve the time of day. He is someone who at one time wanted to meet you in person yet wouldn't have the decency to call you first ?? NOPE , I don't think so. He is no friend of yours and he never was. Don't let your broken heart from him hold you back either. You were destined for many beautiful things in this world and trust me this dude whomever he was is not one of them.
He lost the right to be your friend because he never cared enough to get it through his thick head how unfairly he always treated you. There is a song I want you to look up called How Can I Help You Say Goodbye by Patty Loveless. Listen to it. Listen to it and then forget Bobby exists. - TRUST ME
Re: im dying and no one cares
Posted: Thu Jul 06, 2017 8:11 am
I'll take that middle finger and shove it right up my niece's a** ( figure of speech of course ) and as far as Bobby is concerned I'm done with him too.
Starlight forever and ever
Take my advice for all its worth or just leave it by the roadside, but I caution strongly against making any such decision about "whom to show the finger", whilst being in the midst of a depression.
Other people exist independent of ourselves, they got feelings, hurts & pains of their own and their misery is just as valid as yours or mine.
Depression causes tunnel vision in people, specially if its a chronic condition. And maybe one of the reasons why you find it so hard to make friends, is that your condition causes you to be not too sociable around others.
People like to be where the fun is and depressed folks are not known as spreaders of good vibes and healthy moods.
So keep your middle finger where it belongs and try to be nice to others, even if they aren't always nice to you in turn.
You don't have to pick every fight that comes aknocking at your door - even if it insists on your attention for quite a while.
Friends are not just there for you, friends are there for each other - which means you got to give a little to get a little back and often a lot just to get some back in return.
Re: im dying and no one cares
Posted: Thu Jul 06, 2017 8:15 am
Keep being strong. Keep being angry.
Only a fallen angel would advertise the kind of strength which cometh from anger.
All that perpetual anger is good for is a wrinkled face and a stomach ulcer.
Re: im dying and no one cares
Posted: Thu Jul 06, 2017 11:26 am
The thing about depression is it takes a of a lot of things away from you. But when you slowly start to wake up from that horrible fog and nightmare that it hurdles you through every waking day of your life you also learn that depression can teach you something. I know that sort of sounds crazy because you wonder how can something so awful teach you something but it does.
I was so afraid of disappointing my niece or letting her down , living in fear that I was a selfish person etc... etc. that I completely lost the ability to stand up for myself.
But I can say one thing SecondhandAngel was right. I was suffocating. My niece was taking advantage of my whole life. I was suffocating so badly with depression to the point where I couldn't even breathe. My niece isn't the kind of person that takes no for an answer. She is very pushy and overbearing. She's the kind of person if you tell her no you can't do something for her she still pushes you to do it for her anyway. You could tell her no a dozen times and she still won't take no for an answer. So you end up giving into her because your so exhausted. You basically just give in to people like that and then you start to feel guilty because you can't be there for them as much as they ask... I guess that doesn't make any sense but that's how you feel. The guilt killed me.
I remember being so afraid that one day I was just going to lose it and honestly kill myself. I thought that was the only way out. But I knew in my heart that I didn't want to die. I knew what depression was I knew how ugly it was. I knew what a liar it is. How it convinces you that the only way out of your pain is just to end it all.
I remember carrying around a bottle of pills in my pocket. Not because I wanted to hurt myself but to convince myself how truly strong I was. I knew I could feel the bottle in my pocket and take it anytime I wanted but my own will to live was stronger. That was how I faced my fears.
And the comment made by secondhandangel was also correct. People will walk all over you if you let them. I don't believe that secondhandangel meant " the finger " comment in the literal,physical sense I think it was meant only as a figure of speech to remind me that yes I do have rights to my feelings and we all have that right to stand up for ourselves. I definitely do not see that offensively. In fact I have felt a lot better ever since I read that post by secondhandangel. And as I stated in my own post when I agreed with secondhandangel it was only a ( figure of speech of course )
But even if you would give someone the finger in the literal , physical sense believe me that is not the worst thing in the world. The worst thing is letting someone have so much control over your life.
I love to help people, I love to be there for people but I can't get so involved with helping people that I forget that my own life is important too. I have dreams , I have wishes. And I need to breathe sometimes. My niece wouldn't let me breathe. She still to this day won't let me breathe but I am working to stand up for myself more and more every day.
Please know that I very much respect your comment little_prince. Thank you and I do understand where your coming from but I also understand and respect where secondhandangels comment comes from too.
I'm slowly moving on with my life. But I know that the very best thing in the world I ever could do is stand up for myself.
Being angry also saved my life. I was angry at depression. I was angry because I wanted to live and it tried to convince me that dying was the only way out. I survived depression because of that anger.
And sometimes being angry at people helps give you courage and the guts to find the scissors to cut yourself loose from those people and ropes that are holding you down in life.
There is good anger and there is bad anger in the world. There is nothing wrong with being angry sometimes. If you have to give someone the finger sometimes so be it.
I'm sorry if I'm fumbling over my words I guess that I'm not too good at explaining myself. I can't remember the last time I was so exhausted.
Last night I sat outside after dark waiting for the stars to come out. But all I seen were dark clouds. Far off in the distance I heard a soft sound just like the way the waves make on the ocean and how the leaves dance on the trees when the wind blows. I could tell by the feel in the air on my skin that rain was coming. It's almost like magic that you can hear and almost seem to feel it before it actually comes.
One of the most amazing feelings in the world is to listen to the rain making its way towards you. You can hear in coming up over the mountains near me so softly , like a soft rushing lullaby at first and then gradually louder and louder until it falls like a soft mist tickling your skin...
I think about a lot things like that while I'm sitting outside like that at night. It too helped me survive.
One thing to always remember and please don't ever let yourself forget that to survive in this world you need many things. You need love in your heart , you need a will to live , you need hope , you need eyes that try as hard as they can to always stay open and in touch with everything in the world around you and yes you even need anger.
I'm not saying be angry all the time. Being angry all of the time would be wrong but sometimes it's definitely okay be angry and do things to stand up for yourself.
It's also tough to find true friends in life. Now I don't mean to make that sound like its impossible. Of course it's not impossible . The world is still full of wonderful , beautiful people. But sometimes they are very hard to find. So much of the world is full of fair weather friends , people who are your friends in good times and yet when the bad times come all there is an empty chair where once they sat.
A lot of times I have been hurt by the people that I let myself love and care about. And when you've been hurt badly its pretty scary to have to start all over because you constantly worry about getting hurt all over again. Am I safe with this person ? Can I trust this person ? Those are the kind of things go through your mind a lot. I don't think I'm alone when I ask myself those questions. I bet a lot of people feel that way. It's very natural to feel that and be weary.
I dream with all of my heart to find a true friend in life. Someone I can share my deepest secrets with , someone that will love me and not judge me , someone that will understand my whole journey through life and where I come from and everything that I have had to go through , someone I can laugh with , someone I can cry with. Someone safe. Safe is the most comfortable word. And it's so hard to find someone like that. I don't believe that my depression completely clouds me so that I am at fault and that's the reason why I don't have friends. And I know with all of my heart that I don't stand alone by feeling that way. I know there has to be many people out there that feel the same way.
It's a difficult world and times where we live in now. You turn on the evening news and 90% of it is violence or negativity. It is definitely a different world from where I grew up in.
And it doesn't help when you live way out in the country like I do and there isn't many people here. The closest town to me is very , very tiny and where I live is far out in the middle of the woods and distant country side. Like I wrote when I first started this post there isn't many people here. Some people of course but not many at all. I did something very risky and that was turn to online for friends. That is something that I only have myself to blame for and I am at fault for being so foolish. But when you don't have anyone else there isn't much of an option. I learned my lesson believe me. I won't be letting myself make that mistake again.
The advice from secondhandangel helped clear the fog inside of me a little bit. They were the words and advice that I have needed someone to tell me for a very long time.
I'm not 100% better. I still have a long fight ahead of me but I know that when I feel anger , the kind of anger that I never was able to find easily I know the anger comes from my heart , from a place that we all need to be able to have sometimes to help us live. And I will thank that anger.
Starlight forever and ever ....
Re: im dying and no one cares
Posted: Fri Jul 07, 2017 9:12 am
Depression takes away a lot from you and yes it definitely does control a lot of your actions and thoughts but the one thing that helped me survive was the beating of my own heart. That is one thing depression couldn't take away from me. And although some things in my life felt very foggy and clouded my heart stayed true to me and I never went completely blind.
I still know and am very much aware of when I am being taken advantage of. I want my niece to be happy because I love her but she cannot keep taking advantage of everyone around her just to get what she wants. She's free to live life however she chooses but when she plans to involve my life in with that then yes I do have a say.
I love myself and I know that I deserve better than that. I cannot put my whole life on hold and half raise her child for her. And she was wrong to plan for me to do that. And the thing is she didn't even tell me what she planned until after she was pregnant. Why after ?? Because she knew that way I wouldn't have a choice.
I love the new baby and I'm very glad she's now part of my family but for people out there who suffer from infertility you cant force someone to get over that. It just doesn't work that way. I literally cannot put every ounce of my life on hold and take care of my niece and her baby like that. If I did the pain would make me lose my mind. It almost did. I was walking around with a bottle of pills in my pocket just to prove to myself how much I love being alive. Babysitting 10 hours a day , five days a week is too much.
I want to help her but my whole entire life cannot revolve around helping her and that is exactly what she expects.
I need to find my own place in this world and what I am destined for.
I rescue cats that have been neglected , abandoned and abused... they are my whole life. My niece expects me to stop that because she doesn't want cats around her child.. She expects me to just throw them out of my house. Cats that spend their life now living in my house. Cats that I have worked my butt off trying to gain their trust after being thrown out and abused and neglected. The other night I heard my parents talking about how my niece makes them buy her groceries... My parents are elderly they don't have a lot of money and live on disability because my dad has been sick a long time.. ... my niece who has an awesome job and makes 3 times more money than they do and is fully capable of buying her own groceries makes my parents buy her diapers , milk , cigarettes , etc... Why ? She doesn't want to spend her own money and would rather my parents buy it for her... I heard my mom tell my dad that she told my niece to please stop because they literally don't have enough money and cant afford to buy their own groceries plus hers and the babies ... and you know what ? Even after my mom told her that my niece still harasses them to buy her groceries. I would never want to promote a negative action towards another but sometimes if you don't stand up for yourself and others people will never stop taking advantage of you. Hell, I've seen my niece make my mother go out in the middle of winter when it was freezing cold to bring her cigarettes when my niece lives in town within walking distance of the store and my parents live all the way out in the country.
So sometimes yep giving someone the finger isn't always the worst thing in the world. The worst thing is doing nothing and letting people continually treat you like that. Did I actually gave her the finger ? No, but it is a strong possibility that someday will be the last straw and I really do.
haha... And see I'm letting more anger out and it feels good. When you lose your breath and can't breathe those first few breaths you finally get back to let out are one of the most beautiful things in the world.
I love myself and I love my parents we don't deserve to be taken advantage of like that. I love my niece too , shes family. She will always be family but enough is enough.
And for anyone out there reading this and if someone is taking advantage of you. BE ANGRY. It's okay to be angry sometimes. Sometimes being angry is beneficial.
And be angry at depression. Fight it. Don't let it steal away your life. Your life is yours to do whatever you want with it. Take your heart back , take your life back. When you see that sun shine after you haven't seen it for so long I can't even begin to describe how wonderful it is.
I'm still scared. I'm downright terrified. Through all my long journey and being so tired I still have a long way to go but the way I figure is if I haven't lost my heart after everything I've been through then that means it will always be with me. God I hope so.
I'm so scared to death sometimes that I won't make it. I have physical health issues that I'm scared of dying from. Sometimes I live in fear that my depression will become too much and I won't be able to make it.
But I need my heart though. It is one of the most important parts of me and I don't want anything to take that way from me.
Re: im dying and no one cares
Posted: Mon Jul 17, 2017 11:27 pm
I've thought a lot about lately if I should actually forcefully stand up to my niece or not.
Deep down in my heart I know that I never could do it. Why ? Because if I was going to do it I would have a long time ago. Face it I'm just a marshmallow inside. But that's okay I can live with being a marshmallow. It's who I truly am. I know that it's totally okay to be angry enough to want to do it but acting on the thought is a whole different thing.
It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if I did do it and I still firmly stand by that. I honestly do. Sometimes it's necessary to do things like that to find your peace of mind........ but I still won't ever really do it.
One thing I know I love to do is sit outside at night watching the stars. So many times I lean back and close my eyes and listen to the cars in the distance... far away and into the night beyond the fields and the creek the thickly covered leaves almost block out the sounds but you can still hear them slightly in the distance. I imagine my heart going wherever they go... riding off into the dark night along highways that are lit with the glow from headlights to see brightly lit towns and cities....
Sometimes I feel like running away. Just packing up all of my things and taking off to a place where no one will ever find me again... just sort of disappearing into this great, big world. I would never promote the idea of running away but sometimes in rare cases I think it just might be the thing that sets you free.
Where do you go when your family members take advantage of you and you practically beg them to stop and they don't listen ? And where do you go when you have zero friends around you that truly love and understand you ? When all you asked of your friends was to be able to feel safe with them ?? And no matter how hard you try they just don't ever understand you ?? Or even listen ???
I say run , run away as far as you can and don't look back no matter how much it hurts you.
Where do I belong in this world is a question that replays itself over and over in my head.
I love the light inside me and I'm glad that my name is Star. Just like a star in the dark night time sky. In my heart I can feel that light shining. Sometimes it seems like I lose it yet when I'm at my darkest it never leaves me and always lets me know it's there.. It's something although you can't see it you FEEL it and know it is still there. It's helped me make it this far.
Loving the people that always take advantage of me and are blind to how they treat me is dulling a light inside me that I know was born and meant to shine. A light I was born with to help and teach me how to love , live and survive.
I don't know who reads this but I do hope that all of the words that I leave behind in the past posts helps others. If it does it would make me very happy. I know that in times where I faced my darkest nights holding to hope even though I couldn't feel it or see it or it seemed like a thousand miles away I still held on tightly anyway and it made all the world of difference. It's not something that happens easily or overnight but it does happen. I can promise you.
A question that I asked myself in my darkest times was if someone would come to me and ask me what is the secret to surviving heartbreak , trauma , depression , loneliness , anxiety etc.. I would tell them to give themselves the same exact advice they would give to others. You would never in a million years tell someone to just give up or end it all so don't ever make that a solution for yourself.
But as for me maybe it's truly my time to run far away. Take whatever is left of my heart and the light inside me and find a place where I am safe. Somewhere out in the great big world I know there is a better place for me.
I don't belong in a place where no one listens. So maybe it's truly time for me to disappear. I've thought about it for so long but I have never had the guts to actually do it.
maybe just maybe this time I will ... please wish me luck
Starlight forever and ever and always .........
Re: im dying and no one cares
Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 2:23 pm
Let's just say I know the pain of infertility and I know first hand that you can't be pushed to get over it or deal with it. Sometimes the only thing that helps is having that bit of space to yourself. Trying to push or force someone to get over it can be very damaging. Imagine something that hurts you more than anything in the world and someone basically locking you in a room with it and never letting you ever get away from it. Yeah , that is seriously the best way to describe how someone in that certain position suffers. It can be very hurtful and traumatizing.
As human beings we all need to realize that others deserve compassion and respect. Sadly sometimes the most common form of abuse like this comes from family members. Or in some cases even friends. You need your space and you deserve your space. You shouldn't have to feel like running away is the only option to get a little peace of mind. That is heartbreaking. Plus your niece is a grown adult and needs to plan things more realistic and responsibly. And what is up with her expecting your sick elderly parents to buy her groceries when she makes good money ? That is insane. It sounds like she likes to take advantage of everyone around her. again smh
I am sure in all respect she is not a bad person but her irresponsibility and insensitivity is absolutely ridiculous.
I've seen people who act like your niece many times in my life. When they decide they want something instead of going into it and handling it the responsible way they rush into it on an impulse and then expect everyone around them to take on half the responsibility that comes with it. They want children but they want you to do half the work.. they want houses , cars , etc. but expect you to pay half of their bills because hey life is hard and they would rather spend their money on other things. They need to buy groceries but groceries are expensive so they want you to pay for half of them. Life doesn't work that way.
I still think it's crazy how your niece wanted to have a baby just because her friend did but it is her life and she can do anything she wants. That is her right to. The thing is though if she's going to live that hectic lifestyle she needs to take on the full responsibility that comes with it. That means N-O guilt trips on you because you can't drop everything in your life and take care of her and her baby.
There are a lot of other message boards you could join. Some of them are specifically for infertility and there are a lot of women who could probably help you feel less alone. You should not have to go through all of this all by yourself. It's sad that there isn't a single person in your life that can help you or listen to you.
Shame on your so called "online" friends who abandoned you. I can't even begin to describe how devastating it must be for you to have to face everything you've faced all alone. It's not healthy to carry that heavy of a weight all by yourself. It's too much. You need loving , understanding people in your life Star.
Keep shining Star and don't give up. You have come way too far to give up now.