im dying and no one cares

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Tue Nov 07, 2017 3:32 pm

Thank you Rachel. I like your name it's really pretty and it's very nice to meet you.


The night before last was another one of those rare nights in Autumn. I sat in the back of my house and watched all of the lightning light up the dark night. It danced and showed it's art working magic right through the fingers of clouds in the sky. I couldn't help thinking to myself how wonderful it would be to see the things lightning could if it had eyes and could see like we humans do. Way up in the sky far above the world imagine the things it could see if it were possible.. Cities lit with the glow of a million lights , a billion lights !! It could view highways that stretch beyond the world and to places far out in the distant country with mountains and valleys and lakes and even beyond them into the oceans and beaches...

I bet it could see the waters of the rolling ocean far out in the sea and the ships that pass in the day and night. Wouldn't it to be wonderful to see life like that from up above ?

I love to feel the wind on my skin before a storm and it's nice to be able to smell the rain. There is nothing in the world like hearing thunder when it's first born. It starts off small like an incoming giant far off into the hills and then gradually gets closer and closer as if he is stomping his feet as he walks and then...... BOOM all of a sudden it's like an explosion and is right upon the world before you even have the chance to realize it.

My grandmother (when I was little ) used to say someone must have up set the potato bucket up in heaven when it thunders. I'll never forget that. She and my grandfather were farmers their whole lives. I like my " giant version" better though. Lol


The other day my mother asked me to do something for her. She always asks me write the things she needs on her grocery list for her. So she asked me to write down a few things. I went to her purse to get the tablet and seen 5 packs of cigarettes. My mom doesn't smoke. She's never smoked. My niece is now demanding my mom to buy her cigarettes for her. My niece is 35 years old... Like I said my mom is elderly and doesn't have a lot of money. She does everything she can to buy her own groceries. Now she has to buy my niece's cigarettes. Everyday it always amazes me how much she constantly uses people.

It's crazy. The world is changing even in my small town. Do you remember when I first started this post I talked about how tiny of a town mine was ? So small that a stop light is almost laughed at. It used to be a quiet place full of gentle hearted people. I always used to pride myself that my town stayed the same while all others changed but now I am wrong.

A couple of nights ago some teenagers vandalized and destroyed a gazebo at the senior citizens center we have here. They took a 2x4 and busted the seats and cut the electric cord where there is a electric light in it. It's sad. A lady in town said there are teenagers running around all hours of the night.

When I sit outside at night and watch the stars and see how beautiful the world is I think to myself how the black and ebony sky always seems like a comforting blanket covering over the world and the sparkling, dancing, twinkling stars seem like never changing magic. I wonder if people like those those kids ever look up ? Would they even think to ? I doubt it.

They would probably think people like me are lame for looking up. But I have learned more in life from looking up at the night sky than I have ever learned anywhere else.

Maybe that's the problem with the world.



I remember when I first gave Bobby my phone number. You have no idea how much courage it took me to do that. A LOT. I remember it was on a Christmas Eve ( years ago.) It was right after we had a fight. I remember I was having computer issues and couldn't email him on my computer but I didn't want to spend Christmas fighting with someone I cared so much about so I asked my mom ( who was cooking Christmas dinner and getting things ready for package opening that night ) to pause our family dinner so she could take me to my aunts house so I could use her computer for a second so I could email Bobby my phone number. My mom thought I was nuts lol but she also knew how much I cared about this guy so she said yes. I went out to my aunts house and emailed him my phone number and then we went back home and had Christmas dinner. Next time Bobby seen me he told me he got my number but you know what he never did call me...never. He acted like he had REALLY wanted it but then after I finally had the guts to trust him and give it to him he immediately and complete interest. It didn't make any sense at all.

Sometimes to this day even when the phone rings I'm silly enough to still hope it could be him. I know it won't be him but my heart still can't stop wishing it would be.

I was stupid enough to keep talking to him for years after that. And even more stupid to keep talking to him when he decided to sleep with one of my other online friends. A woman who I was really close to. I mean out of all the people in the world WHY would he choose one of my friends. He could have picked anyone. WHY one of my friends.

Secondhandangel you were right. I kept my hope in those people because I was always desperately thinking they would change and somehow care about me. I was too loyal. But really the only person l wasn't loyal to was myself. Because I constantly let them hurt me.

I'm sick I don't know how much longer I have to be alive. I'm not wasting one single second on anybody who doesn't care. If someone is there for me and wants to be a part of my life that is great and I hope with all of my heart they will be but if they aren't I'm moving on I literally don't have time for anything else.


It's hard to be positive sometimes. I've always said staying positive is like getting your teeth pulled with no pain killer and you are the one pulling your own damn teeth. It's not easy. And yeah sometimes it is that painful.


I see the world turn more and more ugly everyday. The wars , violence and shootings get worse all the time. If it's this bad now I wonder what life will be like years from now ? I wonder what goes wrong in some people's hearts to make them do so many horrible things ??

For now I think I will just sit outside under the stars for as long as I can and for as long as I'm allowed to be alive.

I can't change the whole world but I sure as hell wish I could. But you know what ?? There is one thing that I know I can do and that is make my small part of the world around me as beautiful as I possibly can . I try really hard to. Sometimes when life is too hard I fail but I keep trying. I fail a lot. Hell , I fail all of the time. Did I fail today ??? Maybe ... ..... but I keep trying.

That is the key... to keep trying

Starlight Forever & Always
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

Second_hand_Angel
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby Second_hand_Angel » Fri Nov 10, 2017 5:00 pm

You are the sweetest person. Your patience with people is never ending. You do not deserve the way you were treated by any of those people. Your niece, nephew, Bobby, Vicki, Angie etc. If anything you are too caring and yes that is a compliment.

If you want to see the true meaning of strength and integrity look at the people who are down on their knees or laying face down in the dirt and have almost given up hope numerous times. People like yourself but somehow you still found a little bit of strength to find the beautiful side of life. Not only that but you keep coming on here and sharing those beautiful things like sunsets and the stars with others because you want to help people find their reasons to hold on. That is true character. And you have it Star, lots of it. Remember that

Life isn't always pretty and you acknowledge that. Life is unfair which you also acknowledge but yet you still scrape up enough hope to find a reason no matter how small to push on.

You are an inspiration. None of those people deserve to have you in their lives.

Prayers to you that you find some comfort through all of your pain.

I truly hope that God will put you in the hands of people that truly appreciate and love you.

And last but definitely not least prayers for your physical health. The world needs more people like you down here on earth. Heaven, I hope will have to wait a little while longer.

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Tue Nov 14, 2017 12:08 am

It's in the thirties ( degrees ) tonight and I just sat there shivering waiting for the stars to come out but I can't see any of them only dark clouds. When I sleep at night there has to be a night light in the room. I've never felt this alone and empty before.

I wonder what happens to people when they die ? Is there really a heaven and is it as beautiful as they say and is it a place where you will never hurt anymore ? Or do we just close our eyes and just cease to exist lost in the blackness of nothing forever ?

I'm scared.

I wish there were friends around me to hug me. I swear to God I would hold on to them as hard as I could until I was absolutely made to let go.

You know whats damn unfair ? When you try as hard as you can to always remain positive but no matter what you do you always get pushed back. And the thing that makes it unfair is that your seriously trying as hard as you can but all the challenges just keep coming.

The only thing I know what to say is cherish everything that you do like it's freaking gold. Watch those stars in the night time sky like it is the last time you will ever see them. Because it just might be. Memorize every color in the sunset and embed it deep inside your memory and your heart. Eat the hell out of your favorite food even if you get a stomach ache from eating too much because it may be the last time you ever get to taste it. Watch your favorite movie with your finger glued on the rewind button on the remote control and enjoy it just as much as you did the very first time you've seen it... take a walk in the rain and feel it on your skin , try to see places you've never seen before , do whatever the hell it is that you want to do in life.

You know when I talked about making that fall as beautiful as possible ? I'm trying really hard.

Starlight forever and ever ........
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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JonsDragonEyes
Posts: 423
Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am

Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Fri Nov 17, 2017 2:47 am

Is anyone else reading this now and feeling as exhausted as me? I have such a long road in front of me and I am terrified to have to walk it all by myself. The thing I am scared of the most is falling and nobody even noticing or being there to help me stand up again. What if I can't stand back up ? Will I be able to make it ? What if something awful happens to me ? What if I die ?

When I first started coming on this site I came because I had no one else in the whole world that I could count on and nothing has changed. I still don't have anyone. I needed help but I also wanted to come here to help people. In life I've always wondered to myself if I've done enough to help people ? Could I do more ? Have I messed up ?? I want to save other people just as much as I want to be able to save myself.

So ...... if you are reading this and you feel as exhausted and hopeless like I feel now I want you to always remember what I am about to say... Something brought you here to this depression understood site just like it brought me here. You may not realize it but something deep down inside you hasn't given up. How do I know that ? Because you CAME HERE and that is something even if it doesn't feel like much at all. Something inside you is still there ready to keep holding on to some kind of glimmer of hope. That slim chance isn't completely gone.

Sometimes life is like a night time sky with no stars to light it up. All black and hopeless. But imagine , if you can, all of the positive things that you keep trying to do leaving a tiny point of light behind you. So that you unknowingly carry that light with you no matter where you go.

It does not matter how small those actions are or how huge of an impact they leave because they all shine bright just the same.
The more you add and the more you keep trying the brighter the sky becomes. Those things you do could be for yourself....or it could be what you do for others.

And then one day..... you suddenly look up and realize all of the millions of points of light are shining right in front of you...


Somewhere out there is a song you've never heard , a food you've never tasted, a favorite movie you've never watched , a sunset you haven' t seen, friends you haven't yet met , a day you've haven't had the chance to see , a dream you haven't had the chance to be able to dream. You just have to hold on.

You know what the hardest thing in the whole world is ? Sitting in a room all alone and everything is so damn quiet that the only sound you hear is your own breathing. I know what it is like because that is what I have to face every single freaking night.

Is anything I'm saying right now matter ? I guess I just wish that I could take away all the sadness in the world and make a difference.


Does all of that sound stupid ?? I don't know. I guess I was just thinking about life being like that tonight while I laying in bed.

Sometimes you have to face some of the hardest things in life you never thought you would ever have to face and I hate that. One day you feel like everything is going to be okay and them boom here comes more challenges. And the ones that hurt the most are the ones you thought you were so prepared to handle. The ones you thought you put behind you.

I'm frustrated right now because there is so much more I want to say but I don't know how to say it.

I think if I had a few wishes I would wish that people could live forever, that no one would ever get sick and no one would ever have to face being broken hearted or depressed ever again.

I was thinking the other day about how I get so busy writing about how beautiful the stars and the sunsets are that I sometimes forget to write about sunrises. So I will throw in a little something about that. Did you know that if you get up at the perfect time of a morning right as day is about to break away from the night you can hear the birds start to sing ?? Some of them start singing even before the first breath of light reaches out through the darkness and it's still dark. I love that.

It's the little things like that you have to teach your heart to hold on to. ....... It's the little things like that nothing can take away from you.

I'm sorry that I can't write better than this. I'm trying with all my heart. I'm just really tired.

Starlight Forever & Ever
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa


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