im dying and no one cares

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Mon Nov 14, 2016 7:01 am

Writing helps me survive in a world where I don't have anyone else to depend on. So I'm going to close my eyes right now and think of last night when I stood in my backyard and once again watched the moon come up over the tree tops. I could hear the cars way out on the highway across the creek way off in the distance. How they sound like waves on the ocean....And of how the wild deer come up from the creek bank and walk into my backyard and eat the apples from the apple tree and bring their babies with them , one young deer I believe they call a " button buck" sometimes travels with them. Every step they make is so graceful. I love how their big dark eyes look right at me.

I woke up in the middle of the night from another bad dream and seen the dew collected on the outside of my bedroom window and the moon's glow shining behind it make it look like a gorgeous waterfall of frozen colored glass.... I reached my hand up to the glass and could see the reflection of the moons glow between my fingers......


Outside the window frozen with ice one flower remains from the rosebush. Somehow through all the frozen nights part of it remained as beautiful as it always was... crystallized and looked like hundreds of shining diamonds on it. I took a picture of it.

I'm tired I don't really know how to go on.

This is how I want to remember life.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Wed Nov 16, 2016 2:06 am

They say don't be afraid to tell your story because you never know who out there may need your light or your courage.

Earlier last evening the puzzle pieces pattern in the sky that I seen a long time ago were back. I love how the sky is always changing. ,,, When I went back out later big puffy white waves of clouds stretched across one side of the sky to the other and the only way I can describe it was it looked like a painter took a brush and separated the clouds with deep ,navy blue making roads here and there that stretched out in many different directions and somewhere in the midst of one road a golden star peeked out between one and winked at me.

Some coyotes started howling faint at first coming from the southwest gradually growing louder and louder and another one from the east really close to me gave out a long howl that I know it must have put its whole heart and soul into. In my minds eye I could see it with its head tilted way back standing there so beautiful and strong. I love how they talk to each other. In a mystic private message that they only understand. I can listen to them forever. What I wouldn't give to have the heart of an animal. Selfless , as deep as the ocean free from all the ugliness that some humans carry.

I feel like a bird without wings cooped up this winter. Where will I be without being able to sit out on my " positive seat" watching the stars , watching the moon , the ever changing sky and listening to the sounds of the night. It's just a normal , boring seat that has no special , unique value. A place out in my backyard by the garage. On a dirty piece of cold cement that a person could walk by and never look twice at ......... but at night under the star filled sky and the moonlight its brought alive by pieces of my heart helping me hold on. That goes to show you can take any small thing and make it a better place in the world just as long as you don't lose that special part of your heart.

Out there all alone in the world I felt a deep ache in my stomach and felt that old familiar feeling of how I am all alone in the world. A warrior trying so hard to fight an endless battle that never seems to end but between each battle my hand and fingers are still wrapped around my sword. I've never let go of that sword yet. Never not through this whole entire thing.

My biggest fear in the world is someday I won't be able to have the strength to keep fighting all by myself. A person needs friends and support and that shoulder .... but I don't have that.

Sometimes the toughest thing to have to swallow is the fact that so many unfair things happen in this world. Like my niece who had those three abortions from an affair before with a married man. Three beautiful lives that never stood a chance to see the world all because she didn't want to deal with the responsibility or have anyone know that she was sleeping with a married guy. She threw their lives away like pieces of garbage that never mattered. She didn't care but I do even though I never got the chance to meet whoever they would have been. I care. And I will carry that in my heart with me wherever I go. I was talking to her best friend and even her best friend thinks that was a low thing to do. She pretty much lost all respect for my niece because of that. She also says that my niece is the type of person that has very little conscience. She pretty much thinks of herself first and everyone else last. And it breaks my heart to know that some people who act like that will never truly know the seriousness of their actions.

My life is a constant repeat playing of a broken record. Begging for help , wishing someone understood , someone was listening but always coming up the same ......... empty.

I still think of the Bobby/Angie/Vicki thing from time to time , although I'm slowly starting to build a wall back up on my heart. Piece by painful piece. Eleven years of pain they put me through. And yet through it all they have no freaking clue who I am and how much pain they caused me.

Fingers still around that sword right ? Dancing in the rain right ?

My name is Star damn it. And that is who I am meant to be. A light in the darkness.

There is a quote by Martin Luther King Jr.


"Darkness cannot drive out darkness only light can do that
Hate cannot drive out hate only love can do that"

I repeat this over and over to myself all the time.

I want so badly to say something , to do something that could give others hope through all the hell they go through. And to help myself. I don't know..... I really don't know.

I'm strong. I know I am. But I'm scared because I've been hurt too many times in life. By family , by friends. And when I hurt I run. Just once I would love to find someone that cares enough about me to stand in front of me the next time I want to run. Stand right in front of me with their arms open wide so that they catch me and won't let me run away anymore.

My biggest fear is that I don't know how much longer I can keep being this strong. And that one day I will give up on life.

My second biggest fear is that I will never find anyone that will stand in front of me.

Because even the greatest of heroes in this world eventually get tired of fighting......
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Wed Nov 16, 2016 6:55 pm

What happens to the people who feel like the forgotten ones ? The ones that face the world thinking that your pain never mattered ? You try to call out for help but no one is listening. And the constant battle you have to keep holding on rages inside you. Do you give up ? Do you hold on ? Its a question you ask yourself a million times a day.

It is a battle. Loneliness and depression fighting to steal your heart. Loneliness and depression rages inside you and tries as hard as it can to take your heart away from you. It doesn't matter how beautiful your heart is or how strong it is. Depression and loneliness tries to take it away anyway. And sometimes no matter how hard you try to protect it it takes it away from you anyway.

I've heard the expression sometimes you just get hurt too badly to ever go back to that person you used to be. And I'm scared that is what happened to me.

I watched the sun setting tonight. It was a beautiful yellow gold that lit up all of the western part of the sky. I sit there watching it until all the darkness closed in and the stars came out and twinkled and planes with their colored lights flew so high you had to squint to see them...

I will never ever believe that suicide is the answer but I do believe there are other ways a person can just totally give up on life , on fighting and going on. And when you do that a part of you dies.

I've decided to give up. I've tried I have honest to God tried but no one around me is even listening. Not even a single person. I cannot do this all on my own anymore. Yeah my name is Star and yes I was born to shine but still I can't do all of this entirely all alone anymore. I've been screaming for a long time for help but no one ever listened and now I'm too tired to even try anymore.

I just give up.

I'm done.

I'm finished.
I just give up.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Wed Jan 18, 2017 2:07 am

I haven't written much because I've been struggling pretty bad. It's been a hard road walking with depression and physical health issues. Tonight I went outside when it got dark and set down at my positive seat. It was a nice kinda of night the kind of night with lots of wind that blows all around and feels cool against your skin and makes you feel alive. I like to close my eyes and listen to the sound the wind makes.

I didn't see any stars tonight because it was so cloudy but I know right where they were. I couldn't see them shining but I know hidden beneath the thick , dark clouds they were right there. Right exactly where they have always been and some night they will be ready to shine again just as bright as ever when the clouds move away.

I thought about a lot of things while I sat there. I thought about how much I've been through and how far I've come and how in just one little second life can be taken away from us just as fast as a flame is blown out from a candle. Nobody knows when their last day could be. That's why all we can ever hope for in this life is to spend every single day as happy as we all can be. We deserve that so much.


It's a tough lonely world when the people closest to you hurts you the most. But there will always be people out there that are like that. You can't change people. You can't make people see the error in their ways.


My niece is the kind of person that is superficial. She doesn't have morals. There are people who go through life copying other people because they want what everyone else has. Whether it's clothes, phones, jewelry, cars , houses , children or whatever. "Someone else has got it I need it too !!" - kind of behavior. That's how I would describe her. I know she's family, but not even family has the right to USE people like she does. My sister once described my niece as being someone who " has life by the balls " because she takes advantage of every single person she can just to be able to get what she wants. And she's right. She hurts people, she uses people and then walks around with her head held high talking about how awesome life is.


Life isn't fair. Just like how I couldn't get Bobby to see how unfair he treated me. Sad thing is I believe with all my heart that he truly hates me. He thinks I'm the one that is wrong.

It hurts you so badly sometimes a part of you feels like you want to die. So what's the secret of keeping living ?

Well .... I think I found the perfect quote to help find the light at the end of that very dark , lonely, cold tunnel. And it goes like this.....
.
"I want the weirdos , the clumsy , fumbling , awkward ones who call themselves a big mess. That's where it's at. Give me the ones whose eyes are colored with shades of madness. Throw me in a room with the loners , the ones who never found their place. Sit me down at the table with the dreamers , the ones who feel with their eyes and see with their hearts. Surround me with the extraordinary souls who inhale passion through their fingertips and exhale creativity from masterpieces in their own bones. I want to dance with the ones who break their own hearts because they only know how to love too hard or not at all. Build a path with the pieces of the broken ones. I will follow the trail and carry each piece back to its owner , showing them the stained glass pieces of their beautiful , broken , magnificence." - Stephanie Bennett - Henry


And you know what my own heart tells me ? My own heart tells me this .... How beautiful all of us are. Yes us , the people out there who struggle with depression and other issues. Beautiful yet so misunderstood. How even our closest friends and family who are SUPPOSED to know us more than anyone else in the world are totally clueless to what we have to go through and who we really are deep down inside.

And when people don't understand you it's so easy for them to abandon you.


There is another quote that is called Powerful Advice From A Dying Man and I can relate to it. In it he states "Our life is a short spark in this beautiful little planet that flies with incredible speed to the endless darkness of the universe. So , enjoy your time here with passion. Make it interesting. make it count." -------



Life will shit all over you sometimes. You can't stop it sometimes you'll never be able to control it but you can control how you react to it.

There's another quote that goes " I survived because the fire inside of me burned brighter than the fire around me." I don't know who wrote that one but I do know there is truth to it.

The point I'm trying to make is there is always hope as long as you don't give up looking for it. Sometimes I sit outside in my positive seat under the stars and think about every single positive quote I can find. Sometimes I sit out there all freaking night thinking about them. Because sometimes the answer to trying so desperately to hold on is found through the eyes of someone who has survived it all. Because they prove to you it can be done. The thing is you got to LISTEN to them. But that's the tricky part with depression it's a thief and it robs you of your ability to listen to them and to hold on to them. Sometimes it lets you hold on to that hope for one tiny second and then rips it away from you again. But you have to keep trying. Because always remember what I said depression is a liar.

It's that ugly voice screaming into your ear telling you that you won't make it. It says life isn't worth it , that the pain is too bad , and that your too tired and that there is no way it's ever going to get better. It even tells you life gets better for other people but it can't possibly get better for you.

I still get scared sometimes that I won't make it. I wonder when my last breath will be. I have so much against me and I'm fighting it all alone without a literal friend in the world standing here beside me. I wonder how in the world I'm ever going to make it. I wonder if it's even possible. And then I get even MORE scared because it is so hard.

But I'm still here. Damn it ... I'm still here.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Tue Jan 24, 2017 12:39 am

While sitting outside in the dark at my positive seat one of my favorite things to do is squint my eyes and search way off in the distance passed the hills and trees to the highway across the creek. I love watching the headlights of the vehicles. Sometimes huge, massive long trucks with lights from one end of the vehicle to the other catch my eye the most. They are so pretty and I can't help getting excited each time I see one. It's such a tiny thing to be excited about but I love it with all my heart.

Sometimes I feel like part of my life is like a Jerry Springer show. Except it's not funny or entertaining at all. It's horrible. My niece when her first child was born left the baby on me and my parents doorstep while she went off and had fun living with her boyfriend , her boyfriend who wasn't the father of the baby and then years down the road cheats on her boyfriend with a married man , has three abortions from that affair and then ditches that guy and not long after that gets involved with a new guy and moves in with him when she barely even knows anything about him and then THIS time decides to get pregnant on purpose because she thinks it would be " fun and cool " to be pregnant at the same time as her best friend is. And she has the attitude " Well I have to work so your half raising my kid for me and you have NO choice."

It's crazy how people expect you to carry the weight of the entire world on your shoulders and then take care of their responsibility's too.

And then there's me. Stupid me , stupid and silly enough to let myself love a guy to the moon and back , a guy who I have no idea if he was even who he said he was.

So I want to tell you a story. It's a story from another quote I found. I didn't write this I only found it online. But it goes like something like this.

“While wandering a deserted beach at dawn, stagnant in my work, I saw a man in the distance bending and throwing something as he walked the endless stretch toward me. As he came near, I could see that he was throwing starfish, abandoned on the sand by the tide, back into the sea. When he was close enough I asked him why he was working so hard at this strange task. He said that the sun would dry the starfish and they would die. I said to him that I thought he was foolish. There were thousands of starfish on miles and miles of beach. One man alone could never make a difference. He smiled as he picked up the next starfish. Hurling it far into the sea he said, "It makes a difference for this one." I abandoned my writing and spent the morning throwing starfish.”
― Loren Eiseley

When you have depression and are all alone like I am and feel like giving up sometimes even the smallest most impossible step is the one you have to be willing to keep on taking. At the time it might not seem like it will make a difference but I know in my heart it will. Because it keeps your mind and brain grounded on the fact that some part of you no matter how small it may seem is still trying to fight it and make it out and make it through. And you need that attitude desperately to survive.

Anyone reading this may think I am totally crazy or just talking out my ass when I say this next thing but giving up or seriously considering suicide is like giving yourself the death penalty for a crime you didn't commit. See that is something that I learned and I taught myself.

A lot of times I worried that I would give up that I couldn't take anymore or there was no other way out but thinking to myself how they give people the death penalty for committing horrible crimes why would I do that to myself ?? I KNEW I didn't deserve to die. I deserved to live and breathe and wake up everyday seeing a new sunrise.

Depression is ugly. One of the most ugly SOB's you've ever seen. It's meaner and than any bully on the playground. Sometimes when I'm staring at myself in the bathroom mirror the sad eyes looking back at me is a person that I don't even recognize. But I know in my heart that the part of me I lost and still know and love is still there.

That Starfish quote story helped me. Don't give up even though it doesn't seem to make a difference. Keep trying.

I don't know what will happen to me. I think that I might have a fighting chance of beating this depression but then I also have physical health issues and I think to myself how unbelievably unfair it would be for me to somehow beat this depression and then die from my health issues.

Life can be very cruel.

But I have my "starfish" in my hand just like the quote says and I will " keep throwing them " one by one back into the ocean. Even if I have to do it with tears in my eyes.

And maybe just maybe I will beat both depression and my health issues.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

Boxman108
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby Boxman108 » Tue Jan 24, 2017 5:13 pm

Hi.

I don't know how active this place is. I guess you did post just recently. I'm pretty brand new here. Just wanted to say despite your depression it seems motivating you've written so much and yet no one seems to respond. Maybe I missed something though. I haven't taken the time to read much of the thread but what I have seen seems like good reading to me, at least to kill time on nights when I think too much and can't sleep. You ever think of becoming a writer?

It's one of my hobbies, along with art in general, but nothing I'm particularly good at unfortunately. As an autistic with pretty narrow interests it's a bit difficult as far as my job situation goes, stuck cleaning toilets part time mostly. I live in New England so it's not quite the same here but I went on a short two week road trip out west last summer and it was nice to see some of these places.

Sorry, don't mean to steal your thread, just I guess I've been lonely too long and especially now I've lost a really close friend for good over stupid shit I did a year ago. I've been so done with everyone else, and everything has been too much, but being alone gets so tiresome in a way, nice to try to tell some stranger on the Internet I care to read what they have to say. I hope you can find some peace.

CurryKidNick
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby CurryKidNick » Wed Jan 25, 2017 6:15 pm

Hi

Sorry for you both. I know what its like to lose people over dumb stuff (also a New England Boy Boxman108 #Represent)

I agree with the part about being a writer though, because writing and blogging is a good way to vent and release tension. even if nobody is reading it, its nice to get it out in the air and off your chest.

something i think u might want to try doing though is maybe go to a gym Jon (insert part here where i read the first post and the last couple of ones. so idk what you tried and what u haven't im just giving you options) the gym to me is a good way to fight depression because you take your mind off of everything. i suffer from loneliness a lot as well and it helped me a bit. you could also try a new hobby and see if u can meet people.

hope everything goes well for you buddy!
Making the day better one post at a time!

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Fri Jan 27, 2017 4:39 am

Hey there Boxman108. It's very nice to meet you and thank you for everything you've said. I don't mind that you write on this post and I don't see it as you stealing my post so please don't worry about that at all. I'm sorry that you lost contact with your friend. I wish with all my heart there was something that I could do to help you get them back. One of the hardest things in life I've learned is to not being able to talk to someone that you used to talk with. It hurts you way down deep into your heart so I definitely understand.

It's okay that not many people comment on my thread anymore. There really isn't much for anyone to really say. It's a tough situation. My niece will never change she will always be the kind of person that " uses" people to her advantage and Bobby will always hate me ... if he was even for real that is. You can't make someone who is blind on how they treat you see things when they refuse to see them and I'm slowly learning to deal with that. You can waste your life away trying to get someone to see how unfair they treat you but all you will get in the end is exhausted. If he was truly my friend he would see it for himself.


And it's really nice to meet you too CurryKidNick. Thank you too for responding. lol I am a woman though don't let the name fool you. Jonny was the name of one of my rescue cats. I called him Jonny Angel. He had had big beautiful yellow eyes kinda like a dragon. That's why I picked that name. He was my hero. Always.

I dream about being a writer all of the time. One of my biggest dreams is to take all of the pain that I went through and turn it into an inspiration to write about things that will change the world. Give people hope when they have none and give them a reason to hold on and not give up and find the strength to wake up the next morning.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

CurryKidNick
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby CurryKidNick » Fri Jan 27, 2017 9:45 am

Maybe you could do this.

Read the diary of Anne Frank. Maybe u could do something like it. Sit down once every while a write a post. Then when your not doing it concentrate on making your life better. There is always something you can do. Everyone loves a happy ending and makes it that much better.

I'm also writing a small thing like this on how I used video games in general to meet new people IRL and go have fun. It's a great process to get everything down on paper for once.
Making the day better one post at a time!

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Sun Jan 29, 2017 4:09 pm

Thank you CurryKidNick. I love to read and I promise that I will check that book out. You can call me Star like a star in the night sky. That's my nickname.



I haven't been able to see the stars in the night sky for the last few nights. Every time I look up they are always covered in clouds. I guess the only thing you can do in a situation like that is to still see them but this time with your heart instead of your eyes. Maybe that's where all of the magic from the stars really come from anyway... "your heart" when you look up.

Many years ago I chose the name Star because I always love to help people and one of my biggest dreams was to touch as many lives as a one single lifetime could allow. I hope with all of my heart that I have at least done that.

At least I know that if I helped just a small handful of people all of this hell that I have been though hasn't been for nothing.

I was hesitant to come here on this site and talk about the things that happened to me for lots of reasons I guess but I'm glad now that I did. I could always look at my past and what happened to me as some nightmare and yeah a part of me always will but I will also always look at it as the chance to take what happened to me and help others with it.

Sometimes when I'm looking for quotes and I come across one that talks about the moon and the stars I get so excited because I can relate to them so much because they make me feel so much like myself.

One of my favorite quotes that I found goes like this. I don't know who wrote it though but it goes ....

"IF THE STARS WERE MINE....I WILL KEEP THEM EXACTLY WHERE THEY ARE BUT I WILL SAVE ONE IN MY POCKET TO ENLIGHTEN OTHERS WHEN LIFE GETS DARK. "

I hope at least some part of me has done that. It would mean a lot to me.

So I would like to put in a couple of quotes that help me when I fell at my most lost.

"When they ask you why you love the rain , the ocean , the river tell them it's because unlike people who should have loved you better, the water was never afraid to touch you even when you were at your most damaged and broken" - Nikita Gill

I know that I can't let Bobby , Angie , Aaron , Vicki or even my niece make me into a person that I know that I wasn't born into this world to be. OR anyone else that I come across in life that takes advantage of me and judges me. I want to take what all of them did to me and let it shape me into the person I know who I was meant to be. I won't let them make me go against everything in life that I don't stand for.

Inspiration to keep on living when sometimes you don't want to is still everywhere as long as you don't give up on looking for it.


And for those of you out there who happen to be reading this right now and are wondering deep inside you whether you want to stay alive or end it all because you are so exhausted and tired of fighting a battle that never seems to end , a mountain that you have to climb everyday that never seems to stop growing higher and higher and you ask yourself why even go on ??? I will leave you with this quote I found. When I found it , it was attached to a picture of a little girl who had wings on her back and wanted to fly but was afraid of the fall. Afraid to try , afraid to take that chance .. and it goes.......

"But what if I fall ?? ..... Oh , but my darling what if you fly" - e.h.

It made me cry when I found it.

....

I've been there before sitting there alone in a room all by myself wondering if I really wanted to actually swallow all those pills or take that razor and free myself from the prison that this monster called depression was holding me as hostage. But I also knew that me and my depression were two separate entity's. And if I were to do something so incredibly stupid I would have took with me every single chance I ever had to get better. I would lost every chance to ever see another sunset with all of its color painting beautiful burning pictures into the sky. I would have lost the chance to see the moon rise all golden yellow in the sky and to count the stars that twinkle each night. I would have lost the chance to taste my favorite ice cream or laugh at my favorite tv show. I would have missed the sound of the rain on my window in the middle of the night, listening to my favorite music and a hug from a family member or the purring of one of my rescue cats.

Once your dead you don't get to realize what a horrible mistake you made and be able to get another chance at life again.

So here's another quote.

Rage rage against the dying of the light ... Do not go gentle into that goodnight. - Dylan Thomas

I believe that is about anything in life that we struggle through. Physical illness , old age , depression , anxiety and many , many other hardships. Basically anything awful in life that tries to break you down.

Suicide kills the bad...... but it also kills the good.

Don't ever give up ... never, never give up no matter what because you don't know one day you may truly learn to fly. Depression can be beaten. Depression is not a death sentence. I know this is true.

When I think about things in life that mean the most , a lot of things come to my mind things like what have done to make a difference ? What could I have done , what SHOULD I have done and what do I want to leave behind when something happens to me. Nothing is more beautiful than hope and light. If you have hope and light you have everything and I want so much to know that I at least did that much.


In life we are never guaranteed anything I know I can beat my depression but I worry a lot about not being able to beat my physical health issues. I don't know if I can but one thing I do know is if I can't beat them at least I know I stayed true to my heart and through it all I never lost who I was inside of me. And that is one thing that not even death can take away.

Starlight forever....
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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JonsDragonEyes
Posts: 423
Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am

Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Sun Feb 05, 2017 8:47 pm

How ironic is life ? Fighting like hell to beat depression and you finally do beat it only to realize that your physical illness takes you down. But I guess it's okay because we are all put on this earth only for a little while. The only thing is you never know when or who will be the next to be the one with no time left. You always think it will happen to someone else and not you.

Tonight I braved the chill in the air and walked out and looked up at the sky to see the moon and the stars like I usually do. I watched all the clouds all thin and whispy sail across the moon like a transparent river , the little bumps in the clouds looked like waves on a river or a stream. The silver blue moonlight pierced through that stream with speckles of sparkling , shining water illuminating the river of beauty while the stars like little sailboats sat in the sky way path through it all.

My life was never an open book. Never. If I let you inside and get close to me then you better damn believe that I loved and trusted you with all of my heart. If I did that consider yourself very rare and lucky because that is something that I simply just don't do very often.

And if someone ever does something to abuse that rare trust then they better be prepared for me to completely shut you out because I want to protect myself. And if I take a long time shutting you out then that means after every negative way you treated me I was ready to throw you a million chances to come back in my life .. but eventually even a number as huge as a million runs out and once I'm done I'm done and it's right then I've taught myself to let go.

I remember all the times my friend Vicki would call me melodramatic or over dramatic. It's funny how the people that call you names like that have no clue about what challenges you've had to face and overcome. They don't know what it's like to taste the horrible heartbreak that life has fed you and they don't lay awake in the middle of the night crying themselves to sleep from some of the losses that life has taken away from you. And they aren't there with you to see you sit outside at night all alone looking up at the stars in the night sky and wishing and dreaming of how you could stay safe.

I'm not melodramatic. I am a fighter. A fighter is allowed to cry. A fighter is allowed to be angry. A fighter is allowed to be hurt and most certainly allowed to be exhausted or confused without being a bad person and yes sometimes even a little selfish. All of these things made me and built me into being a fighter. It also makes me human and no one should ever be ashamed to be a human being.

Your heart is your most powerful weapon in this world. Wear that fact like a suit of armor and let it protect you when life tries to suffocate you , tear you down or rip you apart. Wear it like the suit of armour and never let it cloud your eyes when you want to so easily feel you want to give up.

The hard part about that is you have to listen to it. Your heart won't lie to you , it won't leave you and it won't betray you. That is something that I can damn promise you. When we are overwhelmed in life ......WE give up on our hearts..... NOT our hearts giving up on us. Why does that have to be so hard for some of us to realize that ?? And why do we sometimes have to almost lose everything before we realize it ???

I swear to you this is true. Remember what I've been saying depression and anxiety are liars ........... and that's why it's so hard for some of us to see that they are the biggest freaking liars you are ever going to come across in life and when they make you believe your better off giving up give a million reasons to keep fighting back. And if you think you don't have any reason there is no better reason than yourself. There is only one you in this world and you are freaking irreplaceable. I don't care what you think your flaws are , you are awesome. F*** flaws , flaws come with being human.

I hope these blog posts I've have been posting have helped someone out there. If so then it has made me very happy and all of my pain hasn't been completely in vain. I know coming here has helped me help myself more than words could explain. It's taught me that not only things but people can blindside you in life but you still must go on. Go on until there is no other way for you to go on. even if it means crawling on your knees .... keep going.

Keep going damn it ... Keep going.

And if something like physical health issues take you to the end of your road and you finally dry your tears and the horrific pain and fear are something you now accept don't leave this world as a victim leave as a fighter. A fighter doesn't always guarantee you will win but it guarantees your heart could never be took away from you. No matter what. And wherever your beautiful spirit goes your heart will stay intact and go with you.

Your heart is the one thing nothing can take away from you.

Your heart will always be your most powerful weapon. I defines you , it makes you , it shapes you. It is you.

It's me , it's mine and I'm proud of it.

It's frustrating sometimes trying to find the right words to explain things. I fumble over my words a lot , I repeat myself way too much. Maybe I suck at being a writer. But I think I finally did figure out a way to explain how to have faith in this world when the world you live in gives you no reason to have faith. Think of yourself like a star , a shining star in the night sky when all around you is nothing but darkness. The clouds may come but you still shine even though your light cannot be seen. Hold on to that light , hold on to it for as long as you humanly can and when it's time to fall like so many stars do and how no human being is blessed to be able to live forever ... and you feel yourself falling make that fall as beautiful as possible because sometimes the most beautiful thing about a falling star is the way it streaks across the sky burning brighter than it has ever burned in it's lifespan before it fades away forever....


Starlight forever...



Always. Always and Forever
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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JonsDragonEyes
Posts: 423
Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am

Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Mon Feb 27, 2017 12:47 am

Sometimes when I'm sitting outside in my " positive seat " I'll look up at the dark , night sky full of stars and I think about how the entire universe sits right there above me. All the planets , the stars , the heavens and how epic and amazing it is to be sitting out there underneath them. And how all the things around you still stay the same beautiful way they always were even though your whole world around you is falling completely apart.



Here in my little seat , in my tiny corner of this great big world even though I'm only one small human being my dreams become as huge as the sky , and as bright as the moon and deep as the ocean. It's funny how the world looks so different underneath a sky full of stars. Here's my secret..... don't just look at them with your eyes you gotta look at them with your heart. Look at them from a place deep inside of you , the place where your dreams come from and where hope and wishes come too and then you will see how truly wonderful they are. That advice goes not for just the stars but also many other things in life.

I'm trying really hard not to cry....

I'm glad that I came here on this depression site. I know a lot of people wouldn't understand me coming here but I think coming here was one of the best decisions I've ever made. Some journeys, some choices I guess you have to take all by yourself in life. And not everyone in life will always understand but you have to keep walking them anyway. When I first came here I didn't have anyone. Not a single person , and slowly from that hardship I've taught myself how to survive.

I think one of the things that was so hard for me was the fact that no matter where I looked online or anywhere else for that matter you could barely find any stories from people who survived depression on their own will. What I mean is everywhere I looked all I could ever seem to find is every direction pointing to the only solution was being put on some unknown or risky medication that could have many nasty side affects or could possibly become addictive. I can't even begin to count the many times that I sat there and cried because I never wanted my happiness to be so damn dependent on a stupid bottle of pills. With all my heart inside me I wanted to know that the courage and the strength and the light and power of my own heart could be the thing that could save me... and it did it . I did it all on my own.

I never thought I would be sitting here saying that I kicked depressions ass. I've always described depression as a huge mountain that was so hard to climb. Sometimes it seemed like I could get a good foothold and make it halfway there only to fall right back down again and have to start all over again. Or sometimes I became so exhausted that I couldn't even climb anymore. I didn't even want to try. But I did it anyway and now I feel like I am sitting on top of that mountain.

Sitting here looking back on everything that I've been through I realize I'm a lot stronger than I ever thought possible and so is each and every one of you reading this. I wish that I could take each and every person that reads this grab them by the shoulders and and look them straight in the eye and tell them that depression isn't a dead end road.

I'm happy that I overcome it but what bothers me now is what about the other things in life that happen and no matter how strong you are you just can't beat them . Things like physical illness. Now I am facing another monster.

I don't know. It took me so long to climb that one freaking mountain and now I have to face another , one that I might not be able to climb this time. All of those those times I was depressed and thought about giving up now seems so small compared to where I am standing right now ... wanting more than anything in the world to fight but knowing I may not be able to make it.

Maybe this time I won't be so lucky.

I guess if worse comes to worse the one thing I hope with all of my heart is that I'm never forgotten. I don't ever , ever want to be forgotten. I hope a small part of me lives on forever through my words , through my hope , through all the light and strength that I leave behind.

I make my mistakes I'm only human. I love too much , I hold on too hard when I know I should let things and people go. But I'm me. And right now that feels pretty beautiful.

I remember one of the things depression stole from me and that was my smile. It took me so freaking damn long to get my smile back. And now that I have it back I don't want to lose it again.

I'm not sure how much longer I will be able to come here. But I'm leaving my words behind for others to see and to have hope at least as far as depression is concerned. Because I will NEVER forget the horrible feeling I had when having to face everything all alone and worrying that I would never be able to make it.

I'm just a barefoot country girl. I don't have much in life I'm typical , boring , nothing all that really special about me. Sometimes I'm way too quiet , sometimes I'm way too loud and vocal especially about things I love and hold close to my heart. But I've always stayed true to my heart.

All I ever prayed for was the light in the dark. I never gave up trying to find it. That's exactly how I made it. So I hope the parts of me that I leave behind will be the answer someone else's prayer.

I hope so.

( Love and Hugs ) and Starlight forever
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

Scorpio68
Posts: 7
Joined: Sun Mar 05, 2017 1:33 am

Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby Scorpio68 » Sun Mar 05, 2017 3:12 am

I just read your story,and I will be a friend to you. Please don't feel that you are all alone. Your life has purpose. Blessings

TerriK
Posts: 16
Joined: Sun Mar 05, 2017 12:09 pm
Location: Hawaii

Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby TerriK » Sun Mar 05, 2017 1:41 pm

I loved your description of where you live. I grew up in a really small country town. I remember hot summer nights my daddy would pull yard lounge chairs out into the yard and we would lay there watching the stars, listening to the sounds of the crickets surrounded by fireflies. Occasionally, we could hear the train whistle from 1/2 mile away. Your post reminded me of that comforted feeling. Your description literally made me feel that I was right there. Have you considered writing poetry or short stories? I think readers would love them!

You are right about needing friends. That's why I joined this site. I just wanted to talk. To get my words out from inside and hear someone else's words. Even if they are written and not verbal.
Aloha. May "Grandfather" walk this journey beside you and help guide you through the clouds that appear before you. Your journey may pass through dark clouds and many storms. Do not despair. One day, the clouds will part and you will feel the suns warmth on your face. The grass will be a vivid green and will smell wonderful. You will smile! Your journey has been a challenge.... but was worth the walk. Go bravely my friend. May "Grandfather" and God walk with you.

Second_hand_Angel
Posts: 9
Joined: Mon Apr 10, 2017 11:38 pm

Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby Second_hand_Angel » Tue Apr 11, 2017 12:13 am

I wanted to comment on this because I feel that it needs to be said.

First of all. It's hard to even imagine the strength it must take for you to have to cope with not being able to have one single child and you have to sit by and watch your niece terminate three of her own children to abortions. THREE of them ??? And why ? Because she didn't want anyone to know she was sleeping around with a married man ?? Or because she didn't want to deal with the outcome of her having sex at that point and time ?? And then suddenly out of the blue on a whim one day she then chooses to get pregnant and forces you to babysit her child when your going through a traumatic time and it makes you so uncomfortable to do so ??

If she wants to live that kind of lifestyle okay, fine. Hey , it's her life. If she wants to have a baby that is also her right to do so and she's entitled to it but what right does she have to demand you to put so much of your life on hold for her ??


I love my family dearly and I would do just about anything for them but I also have a life of my own and there are things in my life that I have to deal with and personally take care of and I wouldn't put my entire life on hold for them. Does that mean I love them any less ? Does this mean I am being mean to them ?? Does that make me selfish ?? No, most definitely not it just means I have parts of my life that I need to take the time for and have just for myself and myself alone. So don't feel guilty because you need to take time for yourself. It sounds like your niece doesn't want you to have any type of life for yourself and have it all for her demands. That's not right at all. You don't overrule someones life like she's doing to you.



You also don't deserve to be treated like that in any way , shape or form. I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy. It's a heart crushing situation. I agree, you can't shove a baby into someone's lap and expect them to just get over it. Yeah , I've seen women break down over something as little as seeing a baby in commercials on t.v. It is an ugly , ugly situation to have to deal with. Sadly not many people understand just how truly devastating it is. Like depression , unless you literally go through it yourself you can't possibly grasp how horrible it is. And also like depression it's not something you can just snap out of. If your having a hard time dealing with that you have every right to say no to her and nobody on earth has a right to criticize you for that.

So um , ten hours a day , five days a week , from morning until night ??? Let's face it what your doing for her is not really called babysitting anyway it sounds more like you are her personal caregiver or daycare center. She's taking advantage of your kindness and the fact that your family it's just that simple.

Your not actually helping her your only making it easier for her to be so irresponsible. A grown, mature woman with her sh** together does not seriously go out and get pregnant 100% planning on someone else to half raise her child for her.


Depression teamed up with physical health issues is a walking nightmare. Right now you should be taking care of yourself and that most definitely does not make you a selfish person for putting you first. If anyone tells you that you don't have a right to do that then there's a middle finger for them, use it , I am totally serious. The only downside of being too nice is that people get way too comfortable with taking advantage of you. What your niece is putting you through is so cruel it's insane.

Nobody has the right to make you feel bad for wanting to help yourself get better when your going through a rough time.


And second this Bobby situation. If he would rather see you in pain and confusion all the time wondering if he really was who he claimed to be then your much better off without him. I know these aren't the words you want to hear but it's pretty obvious he doesn't care at all about how much you've been hurt. In fact it sounds like he misses everything from A to Z when it comes to you and that's sad because he's missing out on the chance to get to know a wonderful person.

The dedication you have to this guy is amazing. You must have the patience of a saint to keep talking to someone for so many years when you didn't even know if he was for real in the first place. If that isn't dedication and loyalty I don't know what the hell it is. It's a real shame that he wasn't able to see or understand that. Most guys would give anything to have a girl who would be that dedicated and patient.

It's Bobby's loss believe me. He doesn't deserve a person as nice and sweet as you.

I also think it's terrible you had to go through this whole depression ordeal all by yourself. If he really cared about you he would have understood how much you needed him to be there for you and you could have benefited a great deal from having him in your life. He could have been a huge help to you.

And never, never , never feel guilty for wanting to know as much information as possible on this dude to find out if he truly is who he claims to be. People pretend to be other people online all of the time and that can be extremely dangerous. If he makes you feel bad because you are super protective of yourself RUN AWAY from this person " whomever" they are. That shows he doesn't respect you or he might not be who he claims to be after all.

Any guy who is halfway decent and caring would NEVER hold against you the fact you want to be 100% reassured he is for real. I'm sure Bobby has women or girls in his life that he loves and is close to. Daughters , aunts , cousins , sisters ? How would he feel if they were in your situation ? I'm sure he would advise them the same thing I'm telling you right now. It's smart to be cautious now a days. If he wants you to feel guilty for that then he most certainly isn't the right guy/friend for you.

As for this Vicki woman who called you mellow dramatic it doesn't matter what she thinks. When I read all these posts you've written here I see a lot of pain but I also see a lot of strength too. You would have to have a lot of strength to put up with the massive amount that you've had to deal with. If she wants to call you mellow dramatic or over dramatic then let her. Just because someone calls you a name or judges you doesn't make what they call you the truth. She sounds exactly like Bobby who is totally clueless to every thing that you've had to go through. People always call other people names when they have no clue. Plus after all of the turmoil you've been through who could really blame you for being a bit dramatic. Who is she to judge you on how you should or shouldn't feel ??? Does she never get upset ?? I'm sure she's not perfect. Nobody is perfect, everyone breaks down at times so she shouldn't be so quick to judge.

The one thing I noticed about you is you rarely show anger. Through all these posts about Bobby , Angie , Vicki , etc. you've never once said a bad word towards any of those people even though these people put you through hell.

I see pain , uncertainty and fear but I never hardly seen any bitterness. Not too many people would act the same way. In fact it sounds like you still care very much about these people even though you are skeptical of them. That shows what a huge heart you have and what good person you are.

Very sad to say but it sounds like none of those people will never truly understand or appreciate the nice kind of person you are.

The best advice I can give you is wash your hands of anything and everything that has anything to do with them. I know you don't want to do this because you care so much about them but maybe it's time that you realize how much better off your life is without them.


Bobby sounds like he is the kind of person who is more offended or concerned by you questioning if he was for real rather than the fact of how badly you are suffering and needing a genuine friend in your life. If he is more upset about that than your depression , physical issues etc. you definitely DO NOT need someone like him in your life. A real friend would pick up on that and understand how serious that is.



I want you to ask yourself a very serious question. Has Bobby ever given you any real , tangible reason to feel safe with him ? If your answer is no then you know in your heart where you stand with this person.


As far as your niece is concerned start standing up to her. She is going to keep on continually using you and exhausting you if you don't stop her. You deserve to take time in your life for Y-O-U-R-S- E-L- F. She has no right to overload you with something that hurts you so much. That's messed up. Other people have feelings and they also have lives for their selves and she needs to realize that. Basically she is taking something that hurts you and is suffocating you with it. That's not right , it's not right at all.

Ask yourself this how would she feel if she was standing in your situation trying hard to deal with depression , physical issues and infertility all at once and someone treated her the same way she is treating you ???? Do you really think she would be okay with that ?? Nothing is more annoying than when someone expects you to be okay with something they would never be okay with if someone treated them the same way.

She sounds like the kind of person that gets exactly what she wants all of the time and has no idea what it feels like to stand in the shoes of someone who doesn't. Some people are like that. They get literally everything they want in life and are clueless when it comes to other people's feelings or situations. She needs to respect your feelings. Again like I said for her to suffocate you with something your having a hard time dealing with is cruel.


It's good that you came here. Through all your hell you somehow found the strength to find the light in the darkness , a light that so many can't or will never be able to find. Not only did you find the strength to find the light but you gave all that you could give to help other people find their light.

Keep shining Star ... your story and your hope could be the key that could unlock someone else from their prison.
Last edited by Second_hand_Angel on Tue Apr 11, 2017 10:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.


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