im dying and no one cares

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JonsDragonEyes
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Postby JonsDragonEyes » Fri Feb 12, 2016 5:46 pm

Thank you 100footpole.

It is hard sometimes trying to find the right words to help someone feel better. Sometimes I worry because I don't know what to say or I'm afraid I may say the wrong thing and make things worse. And your right none of us here are professionals.

But then I feel really guilty because I love to help people and I want to help as many people as I can.

And I also feel guilty because I don't want to ever let anyone down.

The only thing I know what to say is what I tell myself daily. You can't ever give up because if you give up then you honestly and truly lose every single kind of hope that you have.

YES things can be hell , YES life can be unfair and harsh and cruel and ugly and hard to face or handle. Especially if you feel like your battling the weight of the whole world on your shoulders alone. But no matter how bad things are you have to hang on because you don't know what GOOD possibility tomorrow can bring and if you face another day then you DO HAVE A CHANCE.

If you give up you don't stand a chance it's as simple as that.


Love and Hugs Always
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

charlene
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Postby charlene » Sat Feb 13, 2016 2:18 am

Thanks Star I do appreciate the time you spend with me and others when you are down too! Hanging on is sometimes all we can do and we wonder if we can do that even .The inspiring things in life like the birds you mentioned and our furry family do help. So we try to get through another night and take care of our pets that rely on us and love us too! They need us!
Charlene

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Postby charlene » Sat Feb 13, 2016 2:32 am

Mary
You are so right abt our animals and how much it means to be there for them and they give us a reason to be here and a purpose for us. God has a purpose for us too and He cares abt us !

.Brooklyn He has a purpose for you too so like Star says hold on and it will get better! We do care abt you and I will pray for you to find it soon!
Charlene

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Postby charlene » Sat Feb 13, 2016 9:57 pm

I know what you are feeling Star,tonight we are a lot alike,I feel for you and your pain as I had a bad experience today too,my fault but it hurts and it scares me that I may drive others away.
As for running away that wouldnt help me, I would just be worst,more lonely and afraid!

I do hope you find the way to still hang on and not give up,never give up!
Charlene

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JonsDragonEyes
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Postby JonsDragonEyes » Sun Feb 14, 2016 12:16 am

I won't give up Charlene. Thank you. Promise me that you won't give up too.

Love and Hugs Always
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

charlene
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Postby charlene » Sun Feb 21, 2016 11:43 pm

Star
Still here and glad you are too!
Charlene

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Sat Oct 15, 2016 3:30 am

It's been awhile since I've last written anything mostly because I couldn't. It's been about seven months , the longest seven months in my life. I don't even know where to start. So I guess I will start like I started my first post. With my cup of hot chocolate with a spoon of peanut butter in it. It's warm and comforting and helps loosen inside me what I need to get out.

Tonight my corner of the world is changing. Summer is slowly dying and on her last breath. Instead of watching sunsets through a forest of green leaves I now watch them through curtains of Autumn colors. Each night I stare up at the stars until it gets so cold that I can longer stand outside but I come inside and watch the thick fingers of the fog engulf the fields and hills crawling on its belly up into my yard. It's like a swirling ever changing ocean of mist....

Everything is pretty much what I feared it would be. And I'm still so exhausted from trying to be stronger than what I'm ready to be.

My niece is relentless never giving any breaks. Five days a week , ten hours a day. For a long time I almost fell apart I really didn't think I was going to make it. I remember laying in bed at night staring up at the ceiling scared to death I wouldn't be able to handle all of it on my own. And I don't think that I've ever felt that helpless and afraid before. For a long time the pain , the heartbreak the pressure was so intense that I couldn't even eat. I lost about twenty pounds. When I ate I had to force myself and about gagged every time I tried. My anxiety was to the moon and back again.

No friends were there to help me. I was completely and totally alone. I almost forgot what the sunshine felt like. It was like I lost in a dark place. A hell pit , a point of no return.

But tonight I'm glad to say that I made it. And I made it all on my own. I don't know where the strength came from to keep me pushing forward all I know is I'm glad with all my heart that I still have it.

I still have nightmares sometimes about Angie and Aaron and Vicki. I'm still scared to death at times when it comes to trusting people. Maybe it's a fear that I will never lose and will carry with me for the rest of my life. Yeah they all affected me that bad.... but I've learned one thing and that's I'm a survivor.

Casper has disappeared. One day he was out there waiting for his supper and the next day he was gone. I look for him every single day but he hasn't been back for months. I don't want to believe anything happened to him but I don't know what else to believe.

I know that a lot of times in my posts before I wrote about giving up. I learned that at times in life it's okay to feel that way. Life is hard , life is unfair and situations in life can be ugly. But life in itself is beautiful. Quite possibly the most beautiful thing in the world. And it's okay to feel like you want to give up sometimes.... just as long as you don't act on those thoughts. Many , many times I've felt like giving up but I know that I could never actually go through with it.

There's a place I go to sometimes in my backyard. I call it my " Positive Seat" It's nothing fancy just a spot by my garage where I can sit and look up at the stars. I watch the millions of stars light up one side of the sky to the other. Twinkling gold and silver like beacons in a dark ocean. And I sit there and think about every reason in the world I have to hang on. I feel a light inside me. It burns just as bright as any star up in the sky does. That light was something that I carried with me everyday of my life. But through all the pain and heartache I lost touch with it.

I think we all carry that light inside of us. And as long as we don't let ourselves lose it we can beat anything life throws at you. It's something we are all born with but easily lost in all the pain. It's a light that never leaves us we only believe that it does.

And that light is as close to us as our next heartbeat is.

I'm still holding on to my light. I wish with all my heart that I could teach others not to lose theirs.

I never thought I would make it this far but here I am. Charlene if your still reading this I kept my promise. My " light" inside me hasn't let me down.

There's a lot more I want to say but its hard.

To anyone who is struggling I hope you find your " positive seat". Your light. Your strength. I promise it never leaves you. I promise you still have it.

Remember always, it's as close to you as your next heartbeat is.


Love and Hugs Always ,

Star
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Sun Oct 16, 2016 1:04 am

Tonight as I was standing outside watching the moon rise I felt like I was lost in the middle of a dream. The whole world around me bathed in the glow of blue and silver from the moonlight painting pictures and shadows everywhere I turned. My own private world. The crickets singing me a serenade , a warm blanket around my shoulders standing there in my bare feet even the cold from Autumn feeling good against my skin.

It made me think of something.

Imagine depression as a monster a big overbearing , always demanding , unforgiving , horrible monster that feeds on itself. The more you feed it , the more hungry it gets and the more hungry it gets the bigger it gets and the bigger it gets the more of your life it consumes....

Every time you give into it , it just makes it stronger. The same goes for both depression, anxiety , and even a broken heart etc.

Depression is LIAR , anxiety is a LIAR they make you believe that you can't beat them and that they are too strong that there is no hope and that the rest of your entire life has to be that way but that's not true.

The answer. Starve the SOB. They can't survive if we stop feeding them.

Every single one of us on this earth are born to survive not to be taken down by something so ugly and unfair.

While I was standing there one of my rescue cats came up to me and he nuzzled up to me maybe wanting to share my blanket or just to give me a little bit of love. He's so old that his teeth are starting to fall out and he carries the look in his eyes of all the days and miles that he's been alive in this world. I'm glad I was there for him when he didn't have any other place to turn to.

Making the world a little bit better than it was yesterday......... even if it's something so tiny. That's how you survive in this world. That's what you do. You reach your arm way out and grab as hard as you can onto that next day , that next morning next morning and face another day.

Kill everything negative that happens to you by making something positive of your days.

I can't speak for anyone else I can only speak for myself when I say this but one thing that I learned is you can't eliminate pain from your life. Because pain is a part of being alive. I tried with all my heart to completely rid myself of all the pain that surrounded me and that only caused me more pain. And it took me a very long time to realize that they key.... the answer ... my freedom, the light at the end of my tunnel wasn't necessarily driving away the pain but learning to dance in the rain.

I'm not a very good dancer. I'm still stumbling over my own feet. I still fall. Flat on my damn face. But I still want to dance.




That doesn't mean I'm not scared. I'm still scared. It's hard facing the world alone. The world is scary when your all alone. But sometimes when your alone you also find yourself. They say everything happens for a reason and I'm still struggling to find that reason. I know in time I will find out.
Last edited by JonsDragonEyes on Tue Oct 18, 2016 12:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Sun Oct 16, 2016 4:08 pm

During the past summer when I was outside looking at the night sky. I would see this collection of stars in the south western sky and they were in the large shape of what I would call a king's crown or maybe a tower in a castle.

Sometimes I feel like my life is like building a castle in the sand just when I get it standing beautiful and strong the ocean tide comes along and washes it away.

I'm proud of myself for being this strong , for holding on , for still being positive but you know what ... it hurts being alone. Facing everything alone.

I've reached out to friends in the past begging them to hold my hand to help me and give me that comfort of knowing that I could totally trust them 100% and to also understand what I've been though ..................... but all they gave me in return is what feels like a punch in the face.

You see there is something that I don't know how to deal with. I've never talked to anyone about it because I've never been able to find someone I feel totally safe enough to talk to about it. And I need to talk to someone because it's not something you can easily handle on your own.

I know I've wrote a billion times how I can't have kids and how tough that is for me right now to deal with and how my niece when she was younger had a son that she took advantage of for years by purposely never being there for him. And how he was raised at my house. And how awhile back she went out and got herself pregnant on purpose because she thought it would "be cool" to have a baby at the same time her best friend did.......... a baby with her boyfriend, a guy my niece has only known for a few months by the way. Her best friend however is married ... the only thing is my niece works and refuses to hire any other babysitter so I'm pretty much forced to babysit. Five days a week , ten hours a day and sometimes longer, from the moment the sun comes up until it goes down...... Not that I don't love the baby she has now. I do very , very much so. I'm glad and proud the new baby is a part of my family. But sometimes I just need days where I can be by myself. Because pain like that isn't easy to always handle but my niece literally refuses to ever let someone have any breaks. That's just the way she is. If you tell her you can't handle something she ignores you and keeps pushing you anyway.


The thing is and this is the part that is so hard to talk about but a few years ago ( before the stuff that is currently happening now ) my niece had this affair with a married man , he was supposedly separated from his wife but still legally married and my niece had multiple abortions from that affair. Multiple. Not one. Multiple.

That's a hard subject because so many people in the world have many opinions on women's rights. But for someone like me who cries herself to sleep at night and would give anything in this entire universe to be have a child I don't know how anyone in this world could hurt their baby.

A beautiful tiny innocent life. A beating heart that never stood a chance to be born into the world. Into life. A child , a human being who will never know what it feels like to see the sunshine , to taste ice cream , to laugh and know what it feels like to be loved or wanted. Someone that will never have the chance to grow up or fall in love or know what it's like to have a dream or a place in the world where they belong. And the one person that stopped their heart from beating was their own mother.

Sometimes its so hard to even stand in the same room with my niece.

Has anyone ever seen those warriors in the movies that keep fighting and fighting and fighting and then at the end when the battle is finally over they just totally collapse ??? ... That's what I feel like for desperately forcing myself to be strong , to hold on to never give up.


It's not easy when you have no friend here to hold you , no friend to pick up the phone and call when some days are harder than others.

My niece seems like she is really genuine about being a real mom this time to this new baby. And I give her all the credit in the world for that. But my heart hurts for those children that should have had a chance to see life.

I'll probably get a few laughs at this but sometimes late at night when the house is really dark and quiet and the rest of the world seems a billion miles away I take out an old teddy bear I've had and hold it close to me while I fall asleep. It sometimes helps. It touches a part deep down inside me that is so sore and so damn tired from hurting so much and wondering constantly why in life some people have so much and other people have to watch some of their dreams die before they are even able to be made into reality.

If I had one wish. Just one I would wish to find real friends. Real honest to God friends so that I don't have to face all of this alone. It is so , so , so hard to handle all of this by myself.

For me it's a pain that never truly ends. You just learn, like I said........... to dance in the rain.
Last edited by JonsDragonEyes on Wed Nov 16, 2016 10:00 pm, edited 3 times in total.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Tue Oct 18, 2016 1:53 am

Tonight I'm asking myself the same question that probably every single person on here has asked themselves a million times. "Does the pain ever really stop" ? Can trying as hard as you can to think positive ever really help ..... And tonight I can't get the answer out of my head. No , no sometimes I honestly don't think it does. That's why I've made the decision to just completely disappear. No not suicide. Suicide is not an option I love myself too much to ever do that. But sometimes there are other ways to disappear that kill you just the same.

But if I could leave words behind me they would be this.........

Tonight before the sun went down I stood in my yard and on one side of me was the sun going down over the hills and the other side of me was the moon was rising above the tree tops . Because the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. It was like I was standing between the doorway of light and darkness. Maybe life is just like that. And as humans are caught somewhere between that light and darkness. Some find their way out , some don't.

I hope whoever reads this does find their way out. I've searched my whole entire soul sometimes trying to find answers or the words to make everything okay again but maybe sometimes things just can't ever be.

You quite simply make the best of what you are given. It's the only thing you can do.

And when it's time to give up. You learn to give up.


I wanted to be remembered as a star in the sky that tried to light all darkness that came my way. Not for myself but for others too . But somewhere along the way I may have failed. When I sit out in my positive seat I know I can still feel it alive inside me. But as with any star in the night sky you can see it shining yet...... when you try as hard as you can to reach it it's just too far away.

I don't think my " light " will ever die. But sometimes maybe too much has happened and it will never shine as bright as it used to. It doesn't necessarily leave you but it stays there gently flickering and fading in and out like the last rays of an Autumn sun on a warm evening. When shadows dance across the ground before they fade away into the darkness of the coming light of the winter moon.

It hurts that's all I know what to say

I'm just so damn tired of being all alone.

I don't think my heart will ever beat the same again.

I just want to disappear.

I just can't take anything anymore.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Tue Oct 18, 2016 11:09 pm

I started this post a couple years ago. Every single part of me is written into this whole post. My entire heart , my entire soul my entire everything that I am in this world. And tonight as I sat outside in the warm Autumn wind watching the moon come up I made a promise to myself. Even though I still plan on disappearing forever I don't want this post to have " no meaning" at all just because I've decided to give up and I'm simply too exhausted to fight this all by myself anymore. I don't want everything to be in vain.

Because I want to give people hope. My name is Star for a reason after all.

So here is something from me to anyone who is reading this ................ please don't give up hope.

When you feel lonely go out at night and look up at the stars because you never know who else in the world may be out there looking at them too. It could be someone right across the street or in your neighborhood or town , who is silently hurting and holding it inside not telling a soul , or someone that tried desperately to make others understand and not a single person did,,, it could be someone you've never met but still is going through hard times too... It could be someone in another state , or across the mountains or the ocean .... Maybe when we look up we as humans are all silently joined as "one" even though we will never be able to meet each other in person.

Watch the moon , watch the sunsets because like I've always said a million times no two sunsets are ever quite the same. Hold that vision of that sunset in your heart , remember what it looks like , remember the colors , remember the light , remember the patterns it makes across the sky and the clouds , hold that memory with you throughout the whole entire dark , lonely night and let it keep you company when you simply have nothing else... Let that vision stay with you until you can make it until the next day. Let that help you face the next tommorrow.....

Love and Hugs Always , Star
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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CitM
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby CitM » Wed Oct 19, 2016 11:34 am

You know, what strikes me is one of the first promises to Abraham, was the conversations about counting the stars in the night sky if you can, and that his descendants would be more numerous than that. Having children is a big deal to many people, but there are many ways to 'have children' and one of them you already know of.

We number 7 billion plus people right now. But certainly there are more than 7 Billion stars out there. If you think about all of the billions of animals and plants, maybe it would be closer to what we can see in the night sky, but with telescopes?
I figure God makes good on his promises that help us to survive most of the time. I know there is sentient life out there. Some of its pretty alien feeling to us. Some of it is just awe inspiring too. My point is, Abraham was in the desert, probably lost, probably thirsty, probably ready to give up on life. What if he had said, "No. That's ok God. I think I'll just quit and die?"

But he didn't. His descendents carry on in one way or another as most of us are related to him (Genome project), but we have a long ways to go before we out number the stars in the sky, and certainly we are not going to do it just on this earth. The stars? They are always out there and as we reach for them, we will need people like you to come with us. Life finds a way almost always, what is inside, our spirit matters the most.
With love :)

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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Fri Nov 04, 2016 10:45 pm

Thank you CitM

Adoption isn't always an option. I've had physical health issues for awhile and I may not even be here to be able to have that chance to adopt. It's a touchy subject with me , one that I don't want to get into in detail not even for on here. Let's just say I know that cold fear that seeps through your body and makes you wish you were dreaming.

The thing that runs through my mind the most is how a woman could just throw her children's lives away like that when I and other people like me struggle every single day of our lives to constantly force a band aid on a heart that never stops aching. She can just basically " pick and choose " which of her children get to live and I would die to be able to have the chance to have just one.

I think the first time that I realized I was truly all alone in the world was when I broke down and told my mom everything. Everything. I begged for her to understand.... and her answer just completely broke my heart. She told me don't worry about it "you'll have fun" when I held the baby and seen how sweet and cute she is then I would get over the pain... I mean seriously ?? My own mom doesn't even understand.

And friends who I wanted to trust when they wouldn't prove they were for real now hate my guts for questioning them and now treat me like I'm a traitor .......I'm now an invisible traitor in their eyes. And that really hurts.

No family. No friends. I'm completely alone. Facing the monster called depression that tries to eat me alive every single day of my life. And I tell you what , it's too hard trying to handle the weight of all of this on my shoulders all by myself it's inhumane.

So what keeps me going ? Finding the positives in a world that be so ugly and cruel. And NO it's not easy. But I watched the sunset tonight the way the sky turned colors and the clouds mimic the white foamy colors and shapes of the waves crashing onto a beach. .And how the Autumn leaves are falling off the trees , how they catch the breeze and float like ships on the sea. How they bobbed and swayed in the cooling air before gently hitting the ground. Things like this help me keep hanging on.

And how one by one the stars came out in a massive blanket of black and blue sky...

Watching the stars , watching the moon. The stars are like magic how they light up the dark and twinkle and shimmer. I sit outside just about every night. I love the way the night air feels on my skin. Gold and silver shining sky far above me is just like my own world out there. A world where time stops and the hurt and loneliness is lessens.

Sitting outside wrapped in a blanket listening to the coyotes in the hills has become my nightly routine. I love their deep , wild , reckless sound of their voices ring through the shadows of moonlight and darkness. It touches a place in me that is still alive. A place inside me where depression hasn't rotted away yet.

When it gets too cold to be outside I know I'll still watch them from inside my bedroom window. I have this large Earth globe of the whole world beside my bed. It lights up when you plug it in and it shows everyplace on the entire planet. I love how at night when all around me is dark it lights up and fills my entire room with a warm yellow glow. I can dream about the places that I will never get the chance in my life to see. Places like California , and the Arabian Sea , Kathmandu , China , Paris. Sometimes I think I could stare at it forever.

I still have my rescue cats although Casper disappeared. I now have two new ones. Stinky and Boo Boo. They keep me company at night and so does Pickles a rescued stray. It's nice to know in the dark when everything else is dead quiet I can listen to them breathing and purring close to me. Sometimes when Boo Boo sleeps on my shoulder the warmth from his body dulls the heartache. It's the last thing I feel right before I fall asleep.


Yeah , I'm all alone in this shit but I've learned how to survive. I know the taste of horror , the darkness of being terrified that I would someday end up slitting my wrists or swallowing a bottle of pills. My biggest fear is that one day the pain will be too much I will lose it for a minute and actually do it. Does this mean I plan on it ? Hell no. I don't ever want to actually do anything like that. But sometimes I do get really scared of it.

Scary isn't it ? Who the hell would ever think that you would worry about doing something so crazy.

There is an expression that goes " You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only option you have. " And I do believe that........ but it also comes with one hell of a side effect of pain.

Dance in the rain is all I know what to say. Just keep dancing in the damn rain ............
Last edited by JonsDragonEyes on Mon Nov 07, 2016 7:24 pm, edited 3 times in total.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Sun Nov 06, 2016 12:38 am

I watched the sun setting tonight. It was cold like the sky , like the Autumn breath of wind that tells you winter is coming. Cold like the gray and blue clouds that follow the end of a long day , or a long summer... Beautiful yet so sad.



I sort of try to take those images literally inside me , pull it in to comfort the loneliness. Sunsets, Sunrises, the moon , the leaves , the rain ...... Does that even make sense ? But what do you do when even that doesn't work as well as it used to anymore ?

My name is Star I think I was born to light the way so its really hard to understand why it's so hard to keep on holding the light inside me. The light that always helps me keep going and also for me to be able to keep others going. Sometimes I have a strong hold on it other times I feel it slowly slipping through my fingers.

There was a lady tonight that told me my poems helped her in a very good cause. She was trying to save an historical landmark in our town. And I wrote a poem to help her promote awareness for the cause. I've had a lot of people tell me that my poetry helped them. I'm glad I can help other people. But how can I save myself ?

I talk to God a lot. But it would be nice to talk to someone sometimes that actually talks back.

The last couple of nights I've been desperately trying to find the right words to reach deep down inside me. It's hard.
When you start to lose your happiness its like sitting outside watching a sunset. All those beautiful colors painting the sky , but no matter how hard you try you cant keep those colors from fading away into the night.

Or like that "happy" feeling you don't want to lose as a child when your at the county fair and beg for just one final ride because you know the next day the carnival will be gone and all there will be nothing left the next day except an empty ground where it once stood....

Not a very good description I guess, I kind of suck at describing myself anymore. Or maybe I'm just losing it. Losing the only thing I ever had to keep me going.


I sure wish someone was here to hug me. It feels like no one understands. No one does understand not even my own mom.

Sometimes it honestly hurts to keep breathing.

So screw it I just give up.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa

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JonsDragonEyes
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Re: im dying and no one cares

Postby JonsDragonEyes » Thu Nov 10, 2016 10:08 pm

Too tired tonight , I'm almost too tired to write anything anymore period but I wanted to say this.

Tonight when I gazed out my front door window at that time of the evening that time period somehow mixed between night and day where Mother Nature sucks in her breath and gives herself into the dark all around but yet you can still see the outline of the trees that are so dark against the sky. They kind of look like a painter painting them in dark waves against the last of sunlit sky I thought to myself something.

Do you know what it's like when you see a thunderstorm in the middle of the night ? Where dark is all around and the storm is at full force raging and booming and shaking the earth. Rain streams down and the wind blows and you can't see the stars shine at all from up above ?? But you know what ? The stars are still there , even though you can't see them. And they will be back when the storms is over...

I think about what the world around you looks like at night all shrouded in darkness but even though the night seems so long and dark the sun will come up again. It won't stay dark forever.

It's up to us to keep holding on until the "storm" is over ... and until the "night" gives way to the sun again.

I've also learned about compassion and how it's hard to find now a days. People point fingers , people judge , people criticize but you know what ? No one never really knows what it truly feels like to be that other person. Sure you sympathize but you never really know the depth or magnitude of that gut wrenching pain.... that's when compassion is needed even though you don't understand or "see" the situation the way the person does...

I hope I find someone someday that truly understands everything that I've been though. Doing this all by myself is killing me.

Ask someone to carry a heavy boulder on their back and the person may be able to do it. They may struggle but they can do it. Asking someone to carry yet another one on top of that , they can , they struggle even more but they keep going.... but adding more and more heavy burdens/boulders to someone at "some point" the person isn't going to be able to handle it anymore.

Handling depression/anxiety all alone when no one understands you and desperately trying to keep positive is like getting a tooth pulled without any pain killer.

Yet still.......... you don't ever want to give up.

I hope someday someone comes along and helps me carry the load I've been carrying. I hope someday someone comes along and tells me they understand and that all of my days of fighting this horrible , ugly , unfair , unrelenting monster of a nightmare is over.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! -- Rocky Balboa


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