Thank you 100Footpole. And thank you for all the words you offer me they do help. And I like that Casper is still on your phone Porcupine.
As I was watching the puzzle piece looking clouds I thought of something else. I'm too forgiving. I'm too soft hearted. I've always been that way. I don't know how to stay angry at someone that I care about. I never could. I've never let myself feel real anger. Oh, I've been irritated and frustrated sometimes I mean after all I'm only human. But I've never had that healthy anger that sometimes a person should have.
Yeah , believe it or not sometimes being and staying angry can actually be healthy. I'm always finding reason to keep " having faith " in people . I'm always telling myself that there is good in people and that people can change. I'm always letting my heart believe the very best in them.....
Well sometimes you can't do that. Because sometimes no matter how much you love them or care a person is always going to be an ass. Love can't fix everything. Faith can't fix everything. And sometimes belief in someone doesn't mean jack shit.
You can love someone with your whole heart but that doesn't mean your love is going to touch them and come back to you. And most importantly just because you love and have faith in someone doesn't mean they will always understand you.
Bobby scared me too but you know what. I stood by him and kept my faith in that guy for 11 years. Yeah .... 11 years I let him treat me that way. Vicki too. I kept giving her chance after chance after chance. I was there for both of them all of the time but when I needed them they were barely there for me.
Maybe Benji was right and Angie was pretending to be Bobby.... Maybe ....maybe not. Maybe Bobby was real. And if he is then I apologize to Angie with all my heart for the misunderstanding because when a person is wrong then a person should admit it.
Who knows...... I will never know. And that hurts.
One thing that I learned is that unanswered questions can hurt you just as much as depression does , just as much as infertility does.
But what I have to learn is to let myself feel a little of that real kind of anger sometimes. Because you can't survive and have a happy life without it.
im dying and no one cares
Moderators: windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, Astrid
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100footpole
- Posts: 477
- Joined: Fri Oct 03, 2014 1:26 pm
Star,
I tried to go back to school to get a new degree. At school I learned a concept called "framing" in a liberal arts class I was forced to take. According to framing there are very few universal goods ... an example of a radical frame was an organization that believed in "suicide, abortion, and cannabilism." The organization was -hopefully- meant to be satirical, but the stance was meant to point out the selfishness of humanity. I believe that the organization believed that capitalism provided a level of indirection for their tenets ... Their tenets were a reaction to the Children's relief type commercials ... instead of sending in $10 per month, advocate pure evil.
I am not in any way a trained or licensed therapist, so take my proposed frame with a large chunk of salt.
I totally agree with your statement:
But I don't think you should label that feeling anger. I think you should label it self-love. Most of us do not deserve the bad things that happen to us. A truly forgiving person would say None of us deserve those bad things, but ultimately I do believe that we have choices to make. Knowing what I do about the people who have helped me and hurt me, I truly believe that there are BAD people out there, but not as many as the fear mongers would have you believe.
Sometimes it is just hard work to be good. That is what I admire most about you, your patience with your animals. I respect my animals, but I am not ready to accept even more responsibility ... I quake in the face of people's attitude toward them. When it comes to people, I feel resentment rather than fear of doing too much. I guess that resentment is the type of anger you are talking about, the fact that you have been hurt, and your patience with those people who have hurt you show that you are a good person.
I think that the key to recovery from depression is to be a good person in a potentially bad world. To leave a legacy of good, to turn the other cheek in the Christian sense ... when you are strong enough. I think those of us who are depressed are simply surprised ... we had faith, we turned the other cheek, and suddenly we have been knocked down. We need to know that our circumstances have no bearing on who we are. First, we must do what we must to survive, and then we should do what we can for others. Sometimes we are wrong about what we think we can take to survive, but being wrong is not the same as being bad.
((Hugs))
I tried to go back to school to get a new degree. At school I learned a concept called "framing" in a liberal arts class I was forced to take. According to framing there are very few universal goods ... an example of a radical frame was an organization that believed in "suicide, abortion, and cannabilism." The organization was -hopefully- meant to be satirical, but the stance was meant to point out the selfishness of humanity. I believe that the organization believed that capitalism provided a level of indirection for their tenets ... Their tenets were a reaction to the Children's relief type commercials ... instead of sending in $10 per month, advocate pure evil.
I am not in any way a trained or licensed therapist, so take my proposed frame with a large chunk of salt.
I totally agree with your statement:
But what I have to learn is to let myself feel a little of that real kind of anger sometimes. Because you can't survive and have a happy life without it.
But I don't think you should label that feeling anger. I think you should label it self-love. Most of us do not deserve the bad things that happen to us. A truly forgiving person would say None of us deserve those bad things, but ultimately I do believe that we have choices to make. Knowing what I do about the people who have helped me and hurt me, I truly believe that there are BAD people out there, but not as many as the fear mongers would have you believe.
Sometimes it is just hard work to be good. That is what I admire most about you, your patience with your animals. I respect my animals, but I am not ready to accept even more responsibility ... I quake in the face of people's attitude toward them. When it comes to people, I feel resentment rather than fear of doing too much. I guess that resentment is the type of anger you are talking about, the fact that you have been hurt, and your patience with those people who have hurt you show that you are a good person.
I think that the key to recovery from depression is to be a good person in a potentially bad world. To leave a legacy of good, to turn the other cheek in the Christian sense ... when you are strong enough. I think those of us who are depressed are simply surprised ... we had faith, we turned the other cheek, and suddenly we have been knocked down. We need to know that our circumstances have no bearing on who we are. First, we must do what we must to survive, and then we should do what we can for others. Sometimes we are wrong about what we think we can take to survive, but being wrong is not the same as being bad.
((Hugs))
Hi Star,
It sounds like to me that even tho you are hurting and depressed you still do a lot to help others and Caspers story is wonderful to me.You help your family so much and getting involved in saving this house is great!
I dont know why anyone would deliberately hurt you like those people did but some people are just cruel and like to hurt people, they will have to pay for that sooner or later as we do reap what we sow in this life. I wish you could just let them go and forget abt. them, I do know that is easier said than done tho and I have things that haunt me too.
I am wondering where you all live, it doesnt seem like the USA from some things you have said- I live in Texas where it has been unseasonably warm until this last week end when we got 8 inches of snow. It doesnt snow much here at all.This is West Texas where its usually semi arid and abt 13 inches of rain a yr but this yr have gotten 22 inches so guess El Nino is helping us out.
Star love what you are doing with the cats and the help you give to others, you are a worthy person!
It sounds like to me that even tho you are hurting and depressed you still do a lot to help others and Caspers story is wonderful to me.You help your family so much and getting involved in saving this house is great!
I dont know why anyone would deliberately hurt you like those people did but some people are just cruel and like to hurt people, they will have to pay for that sooner or later as we do reap what we sow in this life. I wish you could just let them go and forget abt. them, I do know that is easier said than done tho and I have things that haunt me too.
I am wondering where you all live, it doesnt seem like the USA from some things you have said- I live in Texas where it has been unseasonably warm until this last week end when we got 8 inches of snow. It doesnt snow much here at all.This is West Texas where its usually semi arid and abt 13 inches of rain a yr but this yr have gotten 22 inches so guess El Nino is helping us out.
Star love what you are doing with the cats and the help you give to others, you are a worthy person!
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
Thank you Charlene. I'm from the USA
And thank you again 100FootPole ( Big Hugs to you always )
Tonight I seen the ocean right from my front yard. At least , to me it looked like it. Everything all around was as dark as can be but the sky was such a deep , navy color and there where whispy, foamy clouds had such a navy blue and misty like waves when they crash upon a beach.
Since the weather has turned much colder I couldn't stay out long but I wrapped on of my favorite blankets around me and stayed for as long as I could. Way , way off in the distance across the field and creek I could see tiny yellow and gold lights from the windows of people's houses.
I got some news that my niece may have her baby early. The doctor told her it would be born premature. It could literally be any day now. My niece says that she wants to go back to work immediately after. I think she is taking off like only 6 weeks for maternity leave. Everyone is trying to get her take take off a little longer. Even her boyfriend. He actually offered to take on extra work just so she could stay a little longer with the baby. When I heard that I was so happy and surprised. I thought I finally would catch a break and I wouldn't have to worry about babysitting. But my niece doesn't want to. She said she would rather work.
So here I am I guess back to " square one ". I want to say something and I hope with all my heart that no one misunderstands because I have nothing against mothers or women who work for that matter. I am not old fashioned in the sense when it comes to women working. Women are just as strong and equal and fully capable of anything a man can do. But sometimes it wouldn't hurt for them to stay at home with the children at least for a little while.
It's sad but my niece is the kind of woman that she would rather work than be with her baby. And that is by her personal choice. When her first child was born she never did anything for that baby. She never told him a bedtime story , never rocked him to sleep she always expected everyone else to do it for her. That's just the way she is. I have NO doubt she loves her kid and will also love this one .... but she's not very dedicated. Changing diapers , baby spit up on her shoulder , being up all hours of the day and night she's never wanted to fully deal with that kind of thing.
I don't know how anyone could leave their newborn baby easily after only a months and a half after its born , but she plans to.
And that comes back to me. I'm just not ready yet. She expects me to babysit 10 hours a day , five days a week. I just cannot deal with that right now. At least not that much.
As I was sitting outside and watching the clouds and the lights across the field I thought to myself about my home. My house. It's my safe zone , my comfort zone and everyone deserves a safe comfort zone in this world.
Sometimes when the pain of never having kids gets too much I know that I have the comfort of the inside of my home. Sometimes there is nothing you can do to stop the pain. If your at the store and you see a women with her children walk by , or if your watching television and you see shows or commercials with babies you can at least always have the option to change the channel or walk away. My home is safe for me though because I can take a break from the pain and I don't have to worry quite so much.
I don't think that makes me a terrible person. After all everyone needs breaks from the pain. Please don't misunderstand. I'm not saying that I never want to be around children at all. I love children , very dearly. BUT there is time when I need to be alone by myself.... I need that space.
With my niece you get NO TIME alone. You get no space , no peace , no breaks...... And I feel angry tonight because she is taking away the only kind of comfort zone that I can find in a situation of constant pain for me.
It's also really sad too because she is clueless to everything she is going to miss in her own child's life. With it being here 10 hours a day 5 days a week I am likely to have more of a chance of seeing it grow up than she will. The first time it talks , the first time it crawls , the first time it walks.
And she still smokes. The doctor told her the baby will be premature and she still sits there ," smoke , smoke , smoking away " . It's very dangerous to smoke during a normal length pregnancy but it's even more insane to keep doing it when you KNOW your baby is going to be premature.
Which always brings me back to the question if there is a God why does he give people like that everything when they are the kind of people that always take the things that he gives them for granted ???
Something did happen to me a few days ago. Do you remember that house that I was talking about saving ? There is a group of people in my town's Restoration Community that I wrote a piece for trying to spread awareness to the people in town to help and someone recommended what I wrote to our towns local paper. I had an reporter get in touch with me. I guess he really liked what I wrote. He wanted to put my story about the house in our towns paper and they also wanted to take a picture of me for the paper.
There is also a nice lady who is in head charge of the Restoration Committee and she realized how much the house meant to me and she asked me if I would like to take a tour of it and see the inside again when they went in with the contractor who is looking it over to get an estimate on how much it will take to get the grants for it.
I haven't set foot inside that house for 24 years. Oh, I've seen the outside of it a million times but never had the chance to actually go inside. The last time I was inside it was the summer I was 15 going on 16 back in 1992.
So a couple of days ago I went in with her and I seen a place that I have been literally dreaming about for so long.
I knew the house wasn't in very good shape. And I know that it is entirely the fault of our county who let it get that way but nothing prepared me for seeing how bad it actually was.
When the lady took me in she had some things she had to do so she let me walk around by myself and now I'm really glad that she did because it was such a shock.
I fell in love with that house 24 years ago. Sometimes I even dream about it. Somehow in my mind and in my heart I remembered after all those years every single thing about it. every doorway , every twist , every turn , every stairway , the balcony's the huge curved glass window. I kept it tucked away safe inside my heart.
But now everything is so different. Stone window sills and brick walls are starting to crumble , paint is peeling from the walls , there is a hole in the ceiling and the eaves are rotting out. No one in the county cared enough to keep the place locked and people have been coming in a vandalizing it. Some of the banisters in the massive stair ways have been busted into pieces. Windows have been smashed out , there is garbage , filth and litter everywhere.
I swear to God it was like looking at an old , sick , dying friend. When I came home that night I couldn't sleep that night because I couldn't get the images of it out of my mind.
I still can't.
It's been 24 years but I can still remember every single thing about that place. I mean everything. Even the smell of the rooms. It was an old kind of smell , musty but I swear it smelled sweet too. It was so comforting. If I close my eyes now I can still remember that smell. I remember waking up from sleep in the middle of the night and seeing the blue and silver colored moonlight streaming through the windows. I remember how it sometimes made different kinds of shadows that seemed to dance across the ceilings and walls. And the sound of the crickets and the cars on the highway. The way the house made gentle settling noises in the dark. I remember how warm and bright the sun was when it came up of a morning and shining through the dirty windows.
I remember one morning there was a hawk trapped in one of the rooms. I guess it had somehow flew in and couldn't find it's way out. It was exhausted and terrified. When I finally was able to get a hold of it I took it to the window and set it loose. I'll never ever forget the feeling of seeing it spread it's wings and fly away. I watched it until it completely disappeared and flew out of sight.
I believe in standing up for places that deserve to be saved.
I think this place can.
I've been through so much in this life. I don't know if I will ever have a chance to feel true solid happiness. But it's nice to know that at least I was a part of fighting to save the life of a house that I love so much.
And thank you again 100FootPole ( Big Hugs to you always )
Tonight I seen the ocean right from my front yard. At least , to me it looked like it. Everything all around was as dark as can be but the sky was such a deep , navy color and there where whispy, foamy clouds had such a navy blue and misty like waves when they crash upon a beach.
Since the weather has turned much colder I couldn't stay out long but I wrapped on of my favorite blankets around me and stayed for as long as I could. Way , way off in the distance across the field and creek I could see tiny yellow and gold lights from the windows of people's houses.
I got some news that my niece may have her baby early. The doctor told her it would be born premature. It could literally be any day now. My niece says that she wants to go back to work immediately after. I think she is taking off like only 6 weeks for maternity leave. Everyone is trying to get her take take off a little longer. Even her boyfriend. He actually offered to take on extra work just so she could stay a little longer with the baby. When I heard that I was so happy and surprised. I thought I finally would catch a break and I wouldn't have to worry about babysitting. But my niece doesn't want to. She said she would rather work.
So here I am I guess back to " square one ". I want to say something and I hope with all my heart that no one misunderstands because I have nothing against mothers or women who work for that matter. I am not old fashioned in the sense when it comes to women working. Women are just as strong and equal and fully capable of anything a man can do. But sometimes it wouldn't hurt for them to stay at home with the children at least for a little while.
It's sad but my niece is the kind of woman that she would rather work than be with her baby. And that is by her personal choice. When her first child was born she never did anything for that baby. She never told him a bedtime story , never rocked him to sleep she always expected everyone else to do it for her. That's just the way she is. I have NO doubt she loves her kid and will also love this one .... but she's not very dedicated. Changing diapers , baby spit up on her shoulder , being up all hours of the day and night she's never wanted to fully deal with that kind of thing.
I don't know how anyone could leave their newborn baby easily after only a months and a half after its born , but she plans to.
And that comes back to me. I'm just not ready yet. She expects me to babysit 10 hours a day , five days a week. I just cannot deal with that right now. At least not that much.
As I was sitting outside and watching the clouds and the lights across the field I thought to myself about my home. My house. It's my safe zone , my comfort zone and everyone deserves a safe comfort zone in this world.
Sometimes when the pain of never having kids gets too much I know that I have the comfort of the inside of my home. Sometimes there is nothing you can do to stop the pain. If your at the store and you see a women with her children walk by , or if your watching television and you see shows or commercials with babies you can at least always have the option to change the channel or walk away. My home is safe for me though because I can take a break from the pain and I don't have to worry quite so much.
I don't think that makes me a terrible person. After all everyone needs breaks from the pain. Please don't misunderstand. I'm not saying that I never want to be around children at all. I love children , very dearly. BUT there is time when I need to be alone by myself.... I need that space.
With my niece you get NO TIME alone. You get no space , no peace , no breaks...... And I feel angry tonight because she is taking away the only kind of comfort zone that I can find in a situation of constant pain for me.
It's also really sad too because she is clueless to everything she is going to miss in her own child's life. With it being here 10 hours a day 5 days a week I am likely to have more of a chance of seeing it grow up than she will. The first time it talks , the first time it crawls , the first time it walks.
And she still smokes. The doctor told her the baby will be premature and she still sits there ," smoke , smoke , smoking away " . It's very dangerous to smoke during a normal length pregnancy but it's even more insane to keep doing it when you KNOW your baby is going to be premature.
Which always brings me back to the question if there is a God why does he give people like that everything when they are the kind of people that always take the things that he gives them for granted ???
Something did happen to me a few days ago. Do you remember that house that I was talking about saving ? There is a group of people in my town's Restoration Community that I wrote a piece for trying to spread awareness to the people in town to help and someone recommended what I wrote to our towns local paper. I had an reporter get in touch with me. I guess he really liked what I wrote. He wanted to put my story about the house in our towns paper and they also wanted to take a picture of me for the paper.
There is also a nice lady who is in head charge of the Restoration Committee and she realized how much the house meant to me and she asked me if I would like to take a tour of it and see the inside again when they went in with the contractor who is looking it over to get an estimate on how much it will take to get the grants for it.
I haven't set foot inside that house for 24 years. Oh, I've seen the outside of it a million times but never had the chance to actually go inside. The last time I was inside it was the summer I was 15 going on 16 back in 1992.
So a couple of days ago I went in with her and I seen a place that I have been literally dreaming about for so long.
I knew the house wasn't in very good shape. And I know that it is entirely the fault of our county who let it get that way but nothing prepared me for seeing how bad it actually was.
When the lady took me in she had some things she had to do so she let me walk around by myself and now I'm really glad that she did because it was such a shock.
I fell in love with that house 24 years ago. Sometimes I even dream about it. Somehow in my mind and in my heart I remembered after all those years every single thing about it. every doorway , every twist , every turn , every stairway , the balcony's the huge curved glass window. I kept it tucked away safe inside my heart.
But now everything is so different. Stone window sills and brick walls are starting to crumble , paint is peeling from the walls , there is a hole in the ceiling and the eaves are rotting out. No one in the county cared enough to keep the place locked and people have been coming in a vandalizing it. Some of the banisters in the massive stair ways have been busted into pieces. Windows have been smashed out , there is garbage , filth and litter everywhere.
I swear to God it was like looking at an old , sick , dying friend. When I came home that night I couldn't sleep that night because I couldn't get the images of it out of my mind.
I still can't.
It's been 24 years but I can still remember every single thing about that place. I mean everything. Even the smell of the rooms. It was an old kind of smell , musty but I swear it smelled sweet too. It was so comforting. If I close my eyes now I can still remember that smell. I remember waking up from sleep in the middle of the night and seeing the blue and silver colored moonlight streaming through the windows. I remember how it sometimes made different kinds of shadows that seemed to dance across the ceilings and walls. And the sound of the crickets and the cars on the highway. The way the house made gentle settling noises in the dark. I remember how warm and bright the sun was when it came up of a morning and shining through the dirty windows.
I remember one morning there was a hawk trapped in one of the rooms. I guess it had somehow flew in and couldn't find it's way out. It was exhausted and terrified. When I finally was able to get a hold of it I took it to the window and set it loose. I'll never ever forget the feeling of seeing it spread it's wings and fly away. I watched it until it completely disappeared and flew out of sight.
I believe in standing up for places that deserve to be saved.
I think this place can.
I've been through so much in this life. I don't know if I will ever have a chance to feel true solid happiness. But it's nice to know that at least I was a part of fighting to save the life of a house that I love so much.
If you need time to yourself, you could try ASMR and meditation videos online. Ive heard even 20 minutes a day can be good. Perhaps put it on when you go to bed? Ive heard that some of the answers to lifes problems or your soul purpose can come through when the mind is rested. It could be to do with your writing.
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100footpole
- Posts: 477
- Joined: Fri Oct 03, 2014 1:26 pm
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100footpole
- Posts: 477
- Joined: Fri Oct 03, 2014 1:26 pm
A little relief is better than none ...
Star, Porcupine,
So I went to YouTube videos and looked up "relaxation video stress". I found a video that assumed I was laying on the floor ... so I lay on the floor. The video started with deep breathing exercises that I was eventually able to synch with. Narrator had looong inhales, holds, and what seemed short exhales to me. It felt good to get my breathing in synch. Then narrator gave some reassurances ... with breath I was able to ignore the anxious feeling the reassurances gave. That's why I'm not posting a link to the video, it felt a little controlling to me.
On the other hand, I was a lot less nervous after the video (which I just listened to, maybe I needed to watch it too ...). That was two hours ago, and now I feel wound up, but a little more in control because of the relaxation. I am going to do some chores and maybe try again.
I am just going to look for a relaxation video ... and skip the stress part. At one point in the video the narrator had us picture a scene from nature, and I thought of your writing Star.
Take care all,
So I went to YouTube videos and looked up "relaxation video stress". I found a video that assumed I was laying on the floor ... so I lay on the floor. The video started with deep breathing exercises that I was eventually able to synch with. Narrator had looong inhales, holds, and what seemed short exhales to me. It felt good to get my breathing in synch. Then narrator gave some reassurances ... with breath I was able to ignore the anxious feeling the reassurances gave. That's why I'm not posting a link to the video, it felt a little controlling to me.
On the other hand, I was a lot less nervous after the video (which I just listened to, maybe I needed to watch it too ...). That was two hours ago, and now I feel wound up, but a little more in control because of the relaxation. I am going to do some chores and maybe try again.
I am just going to look for a relaxation video ... and skip the stress part. At one point in the video the narrator had us picture a scene from nature, and I thought of your writing Star.
Take care all,
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NickStokes
- Posts: 53
- Joined: Tue Dec 22, 2015 8:25 am
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
Thank you 100Footpole ( hugs )
Hey there NickStokes. Thank you and it's nice to meet you. I think I've been " tested" enough lol. I need a bit of a break. It seems like before I can deal with one test fifty more come along.
Hi there Porcupine. I don't really know anyone " evil ". There's people that I try really hard to understand but can't. And some people that I'm pretty disappointed in... but nobody that I could ever call evil.
I guess maybe the answer is always have faith in people because the world needs that. Everyone needs that but be careful at the same time. Guard your heart. Listen to your gut instinct. And prepare yourself if that punch in the gut ever comes. Maybe then it softens the blow a little bit.
Hell , I don't know .... I'm just trying to survive.
Hey there NickStokes. Thank you and it's nice to meet you. I think I've been " tested" enough lol. I need a bit of a break. It seems like before I can deal with one test fifty more come along.
Hi there Porcupine. I don't really know anyone " evil ". There's people that I try really hard to understand but can't. And some people that I'm pretty disappointed in... but nobody that I could ever call evil.
I guess maybe the answer is always have faith in people because the world needs that. Everyone needs that but be careful at the same time. Guard your heart. Listen to your gut instinct. And prepare yourself if that punch in the gut ever comes. Maybe then it softens the blow a little bit.
Hell , I don't know .... I'm just trying to survive.
Hi Star
Sorry abt the house but you did get to see it and its possible it may be restored and then that will really be great- to be able to see the difference!
HOPE SO!
Sounds like where you live is a lot different than West Texas and you do have a gift with words to be able to describe it so well !
Is there any way you can let your niece know you are not up to keeping a new baby now or at least not as much- that you need some rest time ? I dont really know the situation with your family but getting it clear before hand will be easier than later.
I am sorry you are not able to have children,that must be very hard for you and will make it hard not to fall in love with your nieces baby too.
I do hope things work out for you!
Sorry abt the house but you did get to see it and its possible it may be restored and then that will really be great- to be able to see the difference!
HOPE SO!
Sounds like where you live is a lot different than West Texas and you do have a gift with words to be able to describe it so well !
Is there any way you can let your niece know you are not up to keeping a new baby now or at least not as much- that you need some rest time ? I dont really know the situation with your family but getting it clear before hand will be easier than later.
I am sorry you are not able to have children,that must be very hard for you and will make it hard not to fall in love with your nieces baby too.
I do hope things work out for you!
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
Thank you Charlene. My niece gave birth to her baby a couple days ago and she's very beautiful. I'm happy for her because I love her but it's really been hard on me too. It's hard but I have to try as hard as I can to realize that even though I can't be a mom life does go on. There are other things in life that I can find that can make me happy. Life doesn't stop at infertility. I have to keep telling myself that because I don't want to end up doing something stupid like starting to think about suicide again.
But I will most likely be pretty much forced to babysit her baby. My niece is the kind of person that just doesn't take no for an answer. You can outright tell her no you can't do it and she will still push you to do it anyway. She's always been like that. She's extremely pushy , overbearing and stressful.
The thing I need to focus on is other things in life that I can be happy with. Life does not end just because its hard. Nothing is worse than dying. Nothing. If I have to tell myself that a million times I'm going to try.
My heart is broken in a million pieces but it's still beating. It's up to me to keep it beating. I'm the only one that can. I'm the only one that can save myself.
God I'm still scared though because it's hard.
I want to thank you all of you on here. Every single one of you. 100Footpole , Charlene , Porcupine , Nenkohai2 , Creaker , NickStokes.... Etc ..... everyone. I really appreciate you commenting , caring , being there for me. You guys are wonderful, and I don't know how to thank you enough.
love you guys
love and hugs always ,
Star
But I will most likely be pretty much forced to babysit her baby. My niece is the kind of person that just doesn't take no for an answer. You can outright tell her no you can't do it and she will still push you to do it anyway. She's always been like that. She's extremely pushy , overbearing and stressful.
The thing I need to focus on is other things in life that I can be happy with. Life does not end just because its hard. Nothing is worse than dying. Nothing. If I have to tell myself that a million times I'm going to try.
My heart is broken in a million pieces but it's still beating. It's up to me to keep it beating. I'm the only one that can. I'm the only one that can save myself.
God I'm still scared though because it's hard.
I want to thank you all of you on here. Every single one of you. 100Footpole , Charlene , Porcupine , Nenkohai2 , Creaker , NickStokes.... Etc ..... everyone. I really appreciate you commenting , caring , being there for me. You guys are wonderful, and I don't know how to thank you enough.
love you guys
love and hugs always ,
Star
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100footpole
- Posts: 477
- Joined: Fri Oct 03, 2014 1:26 pm
Star,
The things you do sound so strong and wonderful. When you write about saving your animals, looking at nature, getting people to see that building like you do you sound so strong. Like me, inside you feel weak, sometimes even hopeless. It makes me think of that advice people give to "just smile, you'll feel happier." Sometimes I take that advice, and sometimes it works. Other times I just can't do it. But, over time, I realize what you seem to have realized ... that I do add value, even if I can't feel it. You are important to me. Hugs to you.
The things you do sound so strong and wonderful. When you write about saving your animals, looking at nature, getting people to see that building like you do you sound so strong. Like me, inside you feel weak, sometimes even hopeless. It makes me think of that advice people give to "just smile, you'll feel happier." Sometimes I take that advice, and sometimes it works. Other times I just can't do it. But, over time, I realize what you seem to have realized ... that I do add value, even if I can't feel it. You are important to me. Hugs to you.
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drakeheart
- Posts: 4
- Joined: Thu Jan 14, 2016 9:33 am
JonsDragonEyes wrote:Can I ask everyone something ? Does anyone ever feel like running away ? Just packing up everything you own and just running. To a place far away from everything you've ever known, a place where hurt can't touch you. A place where people can't lie to you and mislead you. A place safe where you never have to worry about trusting the wrong kind of people ever again.
A place where bad dreams are gone forever. Where loneliness doesn't exist.
Maybe even to a place where it almost seems like you disappear off the face of the earth.
Hi star,
I think the original post you starter this thread with is lovely, I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. The qote above of this post you made hits home quite a bit, I feel this way alot too sometimes. I find I hard to put the feelings in to words when I get that way but you have done it perfectly.
I too feel alone, isolated and cut off from anyone, like you, i have no 'friends' and I often feel so alone.
I haven't gotten through your entire thread yet but I needed to post this and say your not alone, and I guess neither am I. This is my first time here and it seems like there are a lot of nice and supportive people here, I hope to find some people to connect with the same way you seem to be.
Oh and by the way your signature quote from sly is my favourite movie quote.
I hope you are doing okay now?
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
Hey there Drakeheart. It's so nice to meet you. Welcome to the forums. This is a GREAT place, at least here you don't feel so alone. I really hope you like it here and thank you.
I'm scared but I'm still fighting.
I deserve a lot better than the crap I get and someday I want more than anything to believe I will be happy. There are so many things I haven't done or seen in life and I want to be able to do them.
I'm scared but I'm still fighting.
I deserve a lot better than the crap I get and someday I want more than anything to believe I will be happy. There are so many things I haven't done or seen in life and I want to be able to do them.
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