im dying and no one cares

[JonsDragonEyes]

I just wanted to say thank you. Nenkohai2 , 100Footple and Porcupine. All of you here made me feel so comfortable. You never pressure me. You never judge me. You all just simply listen. No one has ever done that before to me in my whole life.

If it's one thing I've learned is that life can change in an instant. For real. You have no idea what you will wake up to the next morning. Or even if you will be able to wake up to see the next morning. Cancer , heart attacks , strokes , other sicknesses , car accidents. You never know when your last day is going to be. And life is too damn short to spend your life caring about people who treat you like crap.

If you try with all your heart to get someone to understand you and they just don't care enough to understand you , or see you , or "get it" then FORGET them. It may hurt more than anything in the world but FORGET them anyway. Run away from them. Run away from them as far as you can and do everything that you can to never look back at them. It may be the hardest thing you've ever had to do in your life but do it anyway. Maybe you'll cry at night because you miss them so much but still , don't go back. Maybe it will hurt so bad that everything in your heart begs you to go back but DON'T let yourself go back.

I don't want my last days alive spent wasting it on people who just don't care about me or have my best interest at heart. I've literally spent years worrying about people who don't give two sh*** about me.

I've been through so much pain and loss and there isn't much left of my heart and I'll be damned if I let myself get hurt more and let anyone take away the small part of what's left of it.

[100footpole]

Star,

You are right. Being in the present feels so good. And people can be so mean. A lot of my negative thoughts come from things that have happened in my past. I'm going along fine, and then bam I blame myself for things that other people said or did, that they probably didn't mean, and that they don't remember. I love reading your meditations on nature. They help me quiet my thoughts.

[100footpole]

On November 25 you wrote:

My cats are doing great I'm the one that is still silently falling apart. Awhile back another stray cat came in my yard looking starved and filthy and scared. You could almost count the bones in it's back. Somehow I had a gut feeling about this one. I've seen abandoned and abused animals all my life but something inside me told me that this cat was not either one of them so on a hunch I ran an ad in our local paper and I found the owner. A woman had been looking for him for about a month. I'm glad I helped her find him again. The woman said when she seen my ad she almost cried she though he had gotten lost and died. It felt really good to help someone. A temporary break from the pain that I'm going through. I just wish I could find that always.

I think about your posts and things that you care about and it helps me to accept the things that are eating at me causing me to simply sit and tremble.

You inspire me to take my dogs for longer walks, to look around and see the beauty. When I see something that inspires me I try to look at it in the moment. You are right ... it is a temporary break from the pain ... but right now just knowing that the pain is not always there is what I have. It gives me hope.

I talked to a friend last night about her workplace that just did layoffs. They kept my friend, but laid off many of the people she felt were most effective and truly caring. The president of the company is fired, but get's to work until the end of the year and has "a package". The company provides social services, so the work is good, but the funding is based on grants. No one has seen the books but the president and the controller. My friend thinks at best they spent money unwisely, at worst they are thieves ... but it can't be proved. It is like that old house in your town. Why do people who don't care claim power? The board of directors has stepped in to "right" the organization, but where were they before? Who is to blame if the ship sinks? The captain left early with the last of the cheese.

[porcupine]

Merry Christmas to you and the animals.

[100footpole]

Star,

I think of you every day.

Best wishes,

100footpole

[charlene]

Hi Jon

Where you live sounds so beautiful! You describe it so well too, I dont have that gift of words but l share your love of nature and animals, have a bunch of dogs that have been abandoned or homeless for some reason and one cat, we also have wild cats we feed as well. I feed the birds and chickens that come over for food, one is somewhat of a pet and follows me around.

Your family sounds wonderful and I know you are loved by them! They are so precious in our lives! God has blessed you in that way,with the wonderful personality you have and given the chance many people would love to be your friend I know!

Death is very scary and anyone would be afraid if in your condition , we all get scared when sometimes there is no reason or at least I do. I believe in God and that if we ask Him then He will help us but sometimes it is so hard to wait even knowing God is working with us and He wont quit on us Phillppians 1vr.6. I want this peace that is promised in Phil 4vr6,7 and 13 but so far I fall short of that.

I am glad to know you Jon and hope to talk further with you!

[charlene]

I read your whole posts through and I am impressed ! Casper is doing good and seems like you are better, wish I could do the same I suffer from depression and some OCD too I think and have for yrs will be 79 next month and not having a good night. I am especially afraid of loosing the one person I have always relied on to be there when I get bad .I have also wished I would just go to bed and not wake up seems like that would be best for all but I love my animals and want to be there for them. Seems like our furry friends help us all! God gave us a big gift with our pets and l Love them a lot!
Hope you are doing better and I hear from you.

[100footpole]

I agree that Star's posts are beautiful, and hopeful, but you can feel her pain and disappointment too. When you are depressed your mind rarely lets go of the things that are worrying you. Star captures those moments: with nature, when a cat begins to trust again, when you realize you are off the hook for just 15 minutes.

Star sent me a note wishing me Merry Christmas. I send her hugs and positive thoughts. Charlene, it sounds like you have those same beautiful moments that Star (JonDragonEyes) has. Please feel free to share them with us here or on your own thread.

[JonsDragonEyes]

Thank you for everything you said Charlene and it's really nice to meet you. And thank you too 100footpole.

I've tried several times coming back on here and writing again but at the last second I always stop myself. I don't know what to say anymore. I guess I don't want to sound like a broken record anymore. I basically just write about the same things. The stress from my niece and what Angie and her friends did to me online ... and who the hell really wants to keep reading about that ??? None of you on here , I'M SURE. I'm know by now you are pretty sick of me going on and on about "them" all.

I'm not doing any better. I'm facing everything completely all alone. It's hard to write things about nature now because of the weather. It's a lot warmer here than it usually is this time of the year but we've had constant rounds of rain so it's hard to be outdoors.

Casper is doing fantastic. He will even stand up on his back legs and put his paws on my front glass door and look inside the house. It's pretty funny. He will even rub himself on my legs when I go to feed him. Once in awhile he will let me pet his back but he won't let me pick him up and sometimes he still acts shy and timid.

I think one word keeps echoing over and over in my mind. Guilt. Guilt can eat you alive and complicate your life so much if you let it. I feel a lot of guilt because I can't help my niece. I keep feeling like I'm an ass or a bad , selfish person or something. But then again I keep thinking how she is forcing me to do something I'm not ready for and I get angry. Angry because it's completely unfair and just downright mean of her to put me in this situation. Sometimes I wish she would just pack up and move far away and then I hate myself for thinking that.

And I don't think I will ever have any closure on the whole Angie , Vicki , Aaron situation until I know if it was for real or not. For personal reasons I can't get into or explain on here. But I also have guilt in that situation too. There was one time the guy who I cared about (his name is Bobby) wanted to meet me. The thing is we had only started talking to each other online for about 3 and a half months and he wanted me to meet him at a motel. Alone... All by myself. I barely knew him plus I'm not that kind of a woman. To me I like to take things slow. I DON'T just meet a guy in a motel after only knowing someone for that short amount of time. Plus agreeing to meet someone online that you know nothing about all alone is a seriously dangerous idea. I did give him my phone number and asked him to at least call me first but he refused to. Which seemed really odd to me. I mean if he is willing to meet up with me in a motel but he won't call me on the telephone ?? It sounded pretty suspicious you know what I mean ?? There is "other things" involved but it's better if I don't get into them.

BUT one of the most important reasons that I didn't go ... maybe THE most important reason was Bobby had a huge drug problem at that time. I don't think there was ever a time that I didn't talk to him that he wasn't high. I DID NOT want him driving to my town in that condition. Suppose he would be "high" while coming here. He wasn't familiar with the roads where I live and taking the chance of driving while high on drugs he could have had a car accident and died... and THAT is something that I would have had to live with for the rest of my life. I cared about him a lot. It was a hard choice to make but I know I made the right one. And to this day I DO NOT regret it. I know I made the right choice. Even though I had to listen to Vicki taunt me for years after that. Vicki always acted like I didn't care enough about him or I would have met him at that motel. What she didn't realize is I didn't meet him because I CARED about him. Vicki is just as blind as all the rest of them. Besides she was my friend and true friends never ridicule and belittle someone like that. I can still remember crying myself to sleep at night because she kept saying comments like how she didn't think I deserved him and how it was " my fault " that I blew my chance at ever being close to him.

Immediately after that he acted like he didn't want anything to do with me anymore. Oh he kept talking to me but it was never the same again..... I never knew what to expect out of him. Sometimes he would talk to me and it seemed like he cared so much and then in like a split second he would instantly change and treat me so cold and distant. Next thing I find out he was sleeping with one of my close online friends , Vicki of course... I mean of all the people in the world to choose to sleep with he HAD to choose someone I was close to.

I'm not going to let Vicki or anyone else make me feel guilty about making a decision I know was the right one. Sometimes when you care about someone you have to do what is best for them. Even if no one else understands or sees that. So Vicki can go straight to hell in my opinion.

I've been thinking a lot about the house that I wrote about earlier. There has been some hope in the situation. There is a Restoration Committee in my town that is getting together and trying to get a Grant to save the place they are also looking into getting public donations. I took some pictures of the outside of the house and let the head lady of the Restoration Committee use them to help spread public awareness of the houses condition. I really like her she is a nice lady. I would love to get involved in helping the town save the house.

I've been through so much in my life. I'm only 39 years old and I've walked on roads that I never thought I would ever have to walk down. I've been lost , I've been broken , I've been hurt , I've been forgotten.
I've been taken for granted , and taken advantage of , been terrified beyond anything I've ever been before but the summer that I stayed in that house was the happiest summer that I can ever remember in my life. I don't ever want to see that house go.

I want with all my heart to be able to help save it. I won't add this house to my " guilt " list. If I have to sell some of my personal belongings to donate money to help I will. I'll do everything that I can to help that lady spread public awareness.

I'm sorry , here I am ranting again. Maybe I should just stay away and not come on here anymore.

Please wish me luck.

I'll need it.




love and hugs always

[JonsDragonEyes]

One last thing. I do remember a couple weeks before all this rain came here I did get to sit out one night and watch the stars. I remember how the clouds were sitting in the sky right above my head and they formed something that i can only describe looking like....a road.

Giant puffy clouds illuminated on either side by the moonlight and one single path untouched by clouds as clear and as straight as can be with one little sparkling shining star in the middle of it sat between the clouds.

It made me think of life. How we all have to face and walk down certain roads. I want to believe with all my heart that someday for all of us the clouds will part and we can all see our road again to walk down.... the RIGHT road .... the good road all clear with just a shining star to light the way.

I hope I find mine.

I hope everyone else finds theirs too.

[porcupine]

Good luck and can we have another picture of Casper?

[JonsDragonEyes]

There you go.

Love and Hugs , Always

[JonsDragonEyes]

I was just outside now and seen something that made me think. The sky was starting to finally clear after days upon days upon days of rain. The moon was as bright as it could possibly be and there were all kinds of clouds surrounding it but you could still see parts of the darkened sky in between. It reminded me of a hundred pieces of a puzzle that was scattered and all tossed about.

Maybe just maybe in a way we as human beings are like that. Depression I mean. Loneliness too. All of our insides including what makes up our hearts are scattered apart just like those clouds so that we lose way of ourselves. The pieces of ourselves are still there but just so scattered apart with spaces in between so that we can't reach them again.

I know I feel that way.

I don't have all the answers to put the pieces of our puzzles together again. But if you have made it far enough to read these words that I am writing now then you are still here to stand a chance of putting them back together again aren't you ????

I still wish I had someone here to hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay.

[100footpole]

Star,

There is so little that we can control. I think the weather shows that. Climate Change and Global Warming have been in the news for fifteen years now. I remember people laughing about it after the computers failed to blow up on January 1, 2000.

When I watch specials on PBS about technology or what have you there is always a hint of danger and a dose of hope. Other times I talk to people about climate change or income inequality and they echo what they hear on Fox News, The Drudge Report, etc. To me this is like your cats. You are a wonderful person. I was scared when I read about Bobby. People who take drugs can be more selfish than your niece and nephew could ever be.

My father was a counselor at the county jail. In 1974 he dropped my brother and I off with one of his clients to buy a pair of work boots while he ran some other errands. The client convinced my brother and I to buy him lunch ... he said that my dad said he would pay us back. I think my dad was using us to show that he trusted the client to be with us. When we told my dad about the lunch he said that we should have known better. I'm not sure what the lesson there was ... it is something I often think about when I want to trust. I'm not sure what my dad's agenda or the client's agenda had been, but since then I have always been wary.

Star, when you write about your troubles my heart goes out to you, but I read strength in your posts, and you do the right things. I cannot think of anything I can do to help you, your niece. Like you, I think your parents are trying to do the right thing too. My wife and I sometimes argue about what to do. She does not like to plan, and wants new experiences. I like to do familiar things, and try to be prepared for when I am surprised. Our biggest fight was when she threw a surprise party for me 27 years ago. I still cringe at how awful that was for me .... having to pretend that I was not panicing ...

I am so sorry that I can't think of a way to help you, to make you feel better, except to write. And the words feel so empty. But, when I read your posts I don't picture you depressed, I picture you like an angel maybe, when I read:

All of our insides including what makes up our hearts are scattered apart just like those clouds so that we lose way of ourselves. The pieces of ourselves are still there but just so scattered apart with spaces in between so that we can't reach them again.

I know I feel that way.

I know that there is someone else who feels like I do. It gives me strength to trust and connect with my wife, when I just want to curl up and suffer alone.

I think what we can do is support each other, try to find our way, and then come back and pay it forward.

[porcupine]

I've set Caspers picture as the new wallpaper on my phone. he was already on there but i've put the updated one on now.