Feeling Trapped and Scared

[Ealain227]

It is very difficult for me to post this. The people that I thought were closest to me tell me that everything is my fault and I don't want to believe them, but it almost feels selfish to try and get help... it feels like they think I should suffer, and that makes me wonder if maybe I'm not already suffering enough.
Last August my boyfriend and I mutually ended our 8 year relationship. The pain was intense and we continued living together until the end of our lease last December. There had been talk of taking some time apart and then getting back together, and by November I realised that I really wanted to try and work things out with him. He has a very severe case of OCD and it had always been a sticky point in our relationship. I've been physically and verbally abused by many of the people in my family, and that left me with recurrent depression, so we both had our own demons to bring to the relationship. I know sometimes it's hard to deal with one's own problems and be supportive of a partner at the same time, and though we had our black spots, we were ALWAYS there for each other, even while we were separated. One day in November he was packing up his room and I sat down with him and told him how much I loved him and how much I wanted to try and help him through the turmoil in his own life and grow to be better people and stronger partners together. I was shocked when he told me he didn't want to see me ever again. He said things to me that hurt me to my very soul. I was shocked and in the greatest emotional agony of my life. I sat there and kept trying to remind him of all the wonderful times we had and he picked up a pair of scissors and tried to kill me. It was terrifying and I don't think I will ever forget it. Over the following months, I dated other people and tried to move on, but I was still there for the many dark moments that he went through in his own life. We tried to get back together in May and at our first therapy meeting, he told the therapist that I had provoked him and that when he tried to kill me it was my fault and I should know better than to think he would have actually killed me. I was shocked. I can't imagine that there is any justification for his behaviour, yet he still stands by that claim.
I want to be with him and I want to have a good life with him, but one of the people I dated while we were apart won't let me go and I'm so scared of him that I've kept him in my life because he says he will kill himself if I leave. I don't tell my ex all about this, and when he finds things out he accuses me of cheating on him.
This man that I dated in the interim refuses to leave me alone. He is severely bipolar and was kicked out of the military and given anti-psychotic medication that he refuses to take. I don't like to let people who are hurting suffer, and I have tried so many times to help this man. He has nearly demolished my finances, has raped me twice, bruised me, and just last night he threw me across a room when I tried to leave. Every time I tell him to get out of my life he leaves, but calls me constantly and comes to my apartment telling me how I've ruined his life and how he can't live without me. I feel bad for him and help him and then he tells me that all the bad spots in his life are caused by me. He says every time he hurts me he says he's sorry, and I believe that he is, but I can't live like this and I don't want to be with him.
Last week after he bruised me, I tried to kill myself. As I was hurting myself, I tried to reach out to some of the mutual friends my ex and I have, but they ignored me and later said they thought I was just trying to be overdramatic and get back with my ex. Hearing that felt like killing myself is justified because no one will believe me anyway. I feel so lost. I'm seeing a therapist and I have to keep myself from hurting myself every night, but so far I am strong enough to stay alive. Every day the pain gets worse and I am at the point where I really believe everything is my fault. I know I'm not perfect, but I have tried so hard, yet nothing seems to get better. I feel doomed and worthless. Every man that I have been close to has mistreated me and it's hard to differentiate whether it's them or maybe I really do deserve it. I have so much love to give, but it seems like it's never enough.
Sorry for the long post. Thanks for reading.

[shmuel]

Hi Ealain227 and a warm welcome.
After reading your story I can understand you feeling "doomed and worthless".Having to experience so much pain and also the lack of love and support.
It does sound as if you are totally isolated and alone at the moment.
I`m not sure what your therapist is doing... does he help at all?

Being a member of this site is a first step in finding people who are there to support you.
The next step,in my opinion,is to find other methods of support.
If your being mentally and phsically abused by your partner then please get in touch with a Domestic Violence Hotline... In the USA thats:
National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).
http://www.ndvh.org/
(if your in another country then do a search for Domestic Violence)

I hope my few words can give you at least a little feeling of hope and support... please stay in touch
And its so good that you found the courage and strength to share.

[Ealain227]

Thank you for the support and resources. My therapist is very nice, but she usually just sits and listens to me without really suggesting any actions unless I suggest something first. Maybe she is trying to make me feel like I'm in control of the situation, and that's great, but right now I feel so helpless that I would really appreciate some sort of definite steps I can take to remove myself from the abuse. I'm guessing she is going to wait to help me heal from everything else after I've gotten out of this situation. I've never really worked with a therapist like this before, so I'm not sure what to expect. I'm going to take a look at a bunch of domestic violence websites today for tips.

Last night my abuser asked me why I failed at killing myself and said I must have just done it for attention. He suggested ways I could hurt myself that would be more successful. It's so hard for me to feel like living... if he wants to be with me as much as he says he does, I can't understand why he would even talk like that. I'm dreading the weekend... at least during the week I can escape to work.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((((( Ealain )))))))))))))))))))

Ask your therapist, or rather tell her how you are feeling. Yes maybe she is trying to have you answer your own questions, but you would appreicate guidance from her. To help you get to that point. Just a thought.

Please know you can come to the chat room and talk with people. People that feel as you do, lived things close to what you are living. It is such a help to get support from others that deal as we do.

Please take care of yourself, here for you.

Warmie

[sigmund]

i am sorry for what you are going through, this is in NO way your fault! these guys are too afraid to admit they are scared and they are to blame.
there is NO way you should stay in this situation with either guys, they sound like they are more trouble than they are worth to you.
as suggested talk to your councellor tell her what you are going through and that you want help and support, that you are frigthened and these men are abusing you.
do you get any support from your parents? perhaps admit yourself into a mental hospital so you have that support 24/7 and where you tell them not to let those men into see you.
this way you can talk, work out what you want with your life and where you want to go from here. and can sort through those feelings of wanting to kill yourself, and that you are worthless etc.
i was abused as a child by so many of mums family and for years i blamed myself but it is NOT my fault anymore than it is your fault!
try this exercise, every morning look in the mirror and say to yourself i am a beautiful human being and i am worth living, i am god's child and he loves me.
see if that helps and really either go into a hospital to (a) get away from these guys and (b) to get the support you need or speak to your councellor and the abuse line and seek help there.
so going by what your guys have said as i was abused at 3 years old i deserved it that i was worthless?
don't let them bring you down or to abuse you in this way, you are a beautiful loving caring person you needs support and love and care.
take care and may god watch over you and protect you.

[Ealain227]

Thank you, everyone, for your replies. I really really appreciate the support.
It does make sense to think that I shouldn't be blamed for the abuse because I wouldn't ever think of blaming anyone else. I'm so sorry that people have to go through that, and I was very very young when it started happening to me, so I know how traumatic and wrong it is. Being older doesn't make it any more right, and that's a good point. It's just so hard to break from that mindset because I would think that being an adult, I would have more control over my life.
I wrote a list today of the strategies I have been using to get through this and it helps me see the good things I am doing, and re-evaluate the negative. I'm going to show this to my therapist tomorrow and also ask for a step by step plan on how to disengage from my abuser. I had a horrible weekend with him and I don't know how to stop it from happening again. One of my supportive friends has also "forced" me into a positive affirmation exercise where I have to write at least one good thing about me every day and then email it to him and he will send me another one. It's so hard to do, but he won't let me give up, and that really helps. One of the only things that got me through the morning was thinking I could kill myself and end everything and I even started writing good-bye letters, but I really tried to mentally put the brakes on that thinking and redirect myself to something positive. So far it's working. I don't know about hospitalization, but if I keep feeling this way, it might be a good choice. I'm also going to try the chat rooms on this site.
Thank you again for all your support.

[rlemay]

I'm glad you did not kill yourself.

I barely survived an abusive relationship. I can understand your pain.

[sigmund]

love your friend you makes you write one good thing about yourself. so glad you didn't give yourself, take one day at a time, the first thing i think you should do is to leave both abusers, unless it is your house then change the locks and get AVO taken out on them.
here is south oz the salvation army are really great and help alot of people move out of abusive relationships.
you can not feel better about yourself while these abusers are abusing you
i know it is scarey but you need to leave them far behind. good luck!