when is enough, enough

[isanyonethere]

i was in panama last week for spring break. i was with all of my friends, thinking that that week would be the best week of my life and that maybe it would make me feel better. i was wrong. whenever i would go out on the balcony of the condo i had to sit down. i had to sit down and try to imagine that the balcony was on the same level as the floor down. i was 12 floors up but trying to think that i was on the first floor. i d to sit down because all i could think about was jumping off and ending all of the pain. i ended up telling one of my friends how i felt and i saw it in their eyes how bad it hurt them to know that i felt that way. but ever since i told her, she hasn't mentioned one word about it. im kind of glad that she doesn't what to mention anything about it. because its upsetting. its hard living with the fact that i know i am not good enough in anything. no one here understands. when you tell them about it you can tell that it all makes them uncomfortable. i don't know what to do anymore...i don't know who to talk to or anything. i don't even know about me anymore

[Frame]

I'm going to say something that might seem harsh, but could lead down a path to some more peaceful interaction. The reason I'm responding is because I believe there is hope.

I think I understand pretty well, the situation in Panama, how upsetting it must have been, and how isolated you must have felt. Vacations can sometimes be super difficult if we're not ready to enjoy ourselves. That probably happens more often for people with depression.

An old Buddhist saying talks about using three rules in deciding whether to speak or not (aspirant monks practising the discipline have said it knocks out about 90% of their talking): 1) Is what you have to say truthful 2) Is it helpful and 3) Is it timely. Of those three, the hardest test for me is the third. I think your post is a good example.

In your group down south, my guess is that most of the people wanted nothing else than to push away their troubles and be someone somewhere completely different. That your situation didn't allow that, put a space between and the rest of the group. Your not alone in that. Not everyone, who plans and invests in transcendent travel, can completely break away. Perhaps more people than any of us can guess were depressed in Panama this year. They're hard to spot sometimes after a few drinks.

My point is you did what you felt you had to do and no one in Panama wanted to listen. But, I don't want you to give up. Because any of those people wouldn't or couldn't empathize in Panama, doesn't mean they can't or won't here and now or in the future. Part of getting through and getting help is in choosing the right time to ask for help. Sometime in the near future a friend may be more disposed to relate, to listen, to help. Keep hope alive.

[Ieris]

Many people have those thoughts; jumping off a building, throwing themselves in front of a train, going to sleeping wishing they don't wake up again... Etc. Thankfully most of them remain as thoughts and not a reality, maybe deep down they believe that things can change. You may think that dying ends all the pain but who really knows what happens after death? Your problems will remain unsolved, you say that you don't know how it all started but if you can't find the root of it then let it be. I spent years trying to find out "why" and lets just say i wont be getting any of that time back. So my advice is to focus on what you can do to improve your life now and simply move forward.

Perhaps your friend didn't bring up the topic again because she doesn't want to trigger off those feelings in you, if you wanted to talk about it I believe you would have. The last thing you want is people asking you what's wrong and if you are ok all the time. Also just because you want to talk, it doesn't mean everyone is willing to listen, if you want help it doesn't mean everyone is capable or willing to help. Be selective, try to understand that not many people will know what to say or how to help regarding your issues. Appreciate the space that people are giving you and that they feel your pain even if they don't understand. They may not understand but that's because they are not you, even you don't fully understand your own issues so try not to feel so let down as the answers lie within you and not them.

You mention that you are worthless and not good enough in anything, I don't know how you came to that conclusion. It probably isn't true and even if you feel that way, what have you done to change it? What can do you to feel that you are worthy? What do you want to be good at?

In your other post you mentioned that your family are the reason you are still alive. I'm sure you love them to bits and they love you too, no doubt they want the best for you, you should also want the best for you too. You need to stop putting yourself down and start believing in yourself. We all start from zero and if you want to do better or get to somewhere you need to take the first step, it takes time and hard work; they do not come for free. Think about what you want in life, your dreams and goals, they can be big or small. Think about the person you want to become and work towards it. It's not impossible, you just have to want it enough to make it happen. Don't give up! x