Questionable Specters

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Frame
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Questionable Specters

Postby Frame » Tue Jul 30, 2013 8:31 am

I have an ernest question. Anyone, who's been following this forum, knows my input is all over the map. But amidst the chaos sometimes clarity prevails.

I sat eating breakfast and I had a vision. Not real vision but an interlude of imagination. I see in my mind, a guy sits down across from me, looks me in the eye and asks; "What's your excuse for living?"

I should explain that this is a real person and someone I have taken a disliking to. The judgement is irrational; I don't know this person. I've simply seen him over a course of time and always been irritated by his personality. So I guess, in a way, this is my mind trying to be fair. But it's the question not the specter that's important.

The immediate response which came to mind was; "I see things that other people don't." Now, here's the ernest question; "What's that good for? What vocation can anyone suggest? Because I'm soon to be destitute and I can't fathom what to do."

nenkohai
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Postby nenkohai » Tue Jul 30, 2013 9:51 am

Hi Frame

That is a powerful, if pointed, question.

My response would be (truly), "I need an excuse?"

Alaska1958
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Postby Alaska1958 » Tue Jul 30, 2013 2:39 pm

I've always questioned my reason for existing. In the last few years, since I've had trouble working, it's been pretty acute.

I was either volunteering or employed at the local public broadcasting station from 1992 to 2012. In 1993 I was volunteer of the year, later as an employee I felt valued and useful. No matter how depressed I'd get, it was a great comfort to feel useful. Then, one day, you walk into work and fifteen minutes later you've been asked for your keys and are out the door. Then after sitting around the house in a depressed stuper for months, your wife says it's time for the divorce. You know I only stayed married to you the last few years for the health insurance benefits.

For years and years I kept clinging to the idea that no matter how depressed I'd get, that I was valued, useful, wanted and hopefully even loved. Going through an alaskan winter after being disabused of those beliefs makes for a really bad winter. In December the temperature warmed up to +10 degrees and the next day I ran out of fuel oil. I called the company I use, but they didn't want to deliver me any oil since I hadn't paid them for the last delivery. At $4.00 a gallon fuel is a serious problem for a lot of people and I had used 200 in two months. I couldn't afford to pay them, so I blanketed off one room and used an electric heater. A few days later the temperature dropped to minus forty and my house was cold. I spent 12 hours a day in the cab and was glad to be somewhere fairly warm. Also, business was great as many people were taking cabs because their cars wouldn't run and Christmas saw a lot of people out shopping.

In january I was able, with the help of my mom, to buy more oil and I made it through the rest of the winter ok.

I've forgotten how I got on this subject, oh yes, the purpose of my existence. Most of what got me through the winter was the thought of doing anything to hurt my family and friend, especially my two beautiful boys. I wish I could post pictures, I'd like you to see them.

Lately I've been mellowing out about it though. I don't seem to feel as much need to justify make existence. My therapist pointed out to me, a few times, that she has had patients get on disability, who were not as impaired as I am. For some reason that gives me comfort. Getting on disability didn't work out for me, but it's taken some of the sting out of taking help from my family.

Sorry to hijack the conversation, I can get carried away talking about myself. Take care friends.

Frame
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Postby Frame » Tue Jul 30, 2013 6:20 pm

No need to feel sorry Alaska. I like to hear you talk.
I suppose, pretty soon, I'm going to need to find help in a number of places. Then the meaning of life won't seem so prominent to me either.

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Lady Ectophylla
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Re: Questionable Specters

Postby Lady Ectophylla » Wed Jul 31, 2013 1:08 pm

Hello,

You've helped me, and now I would like to try to help you. Your question, "What's that good for?" is one of my own. My thoughts, as my own story suggests would be something along the lines of "If I can point out something to someone that doesn't understand yet, or make someone happy for just a single second, I am doing more with my life than a lot of other people in this world. So, helping others make their lives a little easier to live, that validates my existence."

I hope it helped.
Kariah.

4EverMe
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Postby 4EverMe » Sun Aug 18, 2013 4:34 pm

Hi Frame,
I've been taking time today to read things that were posted a while back. I ran into your post here, and if I'd seen it before, I would have responded. Better late than never? Or too late?

First, I want to compliment your writing. I appreciate the format and the manner in which you can grab a reader's interest with only a few sentences. Felt as though I were reading from a Dean Koontz novel. That includes subject matter--the man who casually dares to inquire, "What is your excuse for living?" Hmm. I could think up a world of responses, but most of them just make me laugh. "Would you like a glass of arcenic-laced orange juice with which to chase down such infinitely a stupid question?... Awww,...now why the stoney silence? Did I say something to offend?" Then light a cigarette, inhale a long one, and slooowly blow a dark plume of smoke into his eyes. Maybe you could then say, "Your arrogance disgusts me." (while you're the one enveloping his head with a smoke cloud) Haha

4EverMe
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Postby 4EverMe » Sun Aug 18, 2013 4:58 pm

P.S Sorry, but I ran out of room. I wish I had a vocation I could suggest for you. Perhaps, some type of employment where you can make use of existing talents? But even if you don't find that, you could maybe capitalize on your talents-- in addition to your employment. It could be a hobby you enjoy that provides a means of 'escape,' or another way to earn extra cash, or BOTH.
It would be a wise idea though to avoid any vocation that could worsen your depression! Try to be easy on yourself; Your aim is to be feeling better soon. I hope this helps in ANY way! It could be that something I'm saying is helpful because it brings to mind something else entirely.


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