My life recently.

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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illGuyX
Posts: 43
Joined: Fri May 02, 2008 12:07 pm
Location: UK

My life recently.

Postby illGuyX » Sun May 11, 2008 7:00 pm

I lack confidence
I lack self-esteem
I suffer from anxiety and depression

I am a lone child and have been living with my parents all my life (Accept 2 years of it, I fell in love just once and gave it a go to live in the US). The immigration process really is horrible.

The main factors around me that effect me is, my ex-wife, my ex-boss, both my parents are mentally ill. That I still live with my parents and I am coming to the age of 30.

My mum was given ECT(Electric shock treatment), without consent. Ever since then things have been bad. The doctor ran away and the papers were burnt, according to my dad. I do not recommend ECT for anyone! It is very bad, it's like sending shocks to a CPU in a computer. It scrambles the brain, why make it any worse? It's a gamble I tell you that.

My mum keeps running up debts, and I am sucker for helping them. I have given thousands of ponds to them to help them. Yet this is my good heart here. I hate to see my parents just rot away. I am now living mentally ill with them also. We are a vicious cycle that feed off each other.

I am currently going thorough a divorce, I lived in the US for 2 years then fell ill. Because I cannot drive, I cannot legally work, and I couldn't get enough money to fund for my immigration. Love can be blind, she was first love, deepcut. I fell in love at age of 25 for the first ever. Then at age 27 I was told to go home, as my wife couldn't handle my depression.

Then moved back and got into a job. I then resigned from my job after 5-7month (Because my mental ill health). I kept throwing up (trying to be sick) all the way to work and even at work, I knew I had to stop it. My last boss destroyed last final piece of confidence I had left.

I hate people who shout and cast names at their fellow followers for their mistakes. As this degrades them, it also degrades respect for this relationship.

I am now out of work, been out of work for over a year and half now.
I struggle getting back to work :(
I struggle trying to enjoy life.
I don't earn a living
I have no benefits ( I tried to get benefits but the government seem to think I do not need it).

I have been coaching myself out of depression through counciling and a few close friends. I has taken me over a year and half to get my interests backs. Also it wasn't easy building up my activies to keep me from doing nothing.

Yet recently. Mum screws up again. If my mum brings up at debt or even abuse the credit card. He will call the police on my mum. She has already done it recently.

When life ain't great, you don't enjoy it as much as other people.

I am not enjoy my life. I just hope my next week will be a positive one.

[Ppl know I ramble on]
If you curious of my thoughts about my recent events.
http://z0mans.blogspot.com/2008/05/life ... -down.html
Last edited by illGuyX on Sun May 11, 2008 7:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.
------------------------------------------
Variety is what humans strive for
And respect goes both ways.

georgiapeach
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Joined: Fri Mar 21, 2008 8:59 pm
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Postby georgiapeach » Sun May 11, 2008 7:31 pm

illguy... i have confidence you'll get your interests back again... Stay strong i'm sorry to hear all that has happened to you. In time i'm sure things will get better
~Georgiapeach~

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illGuyX
Posts: 43
Joined: Fri May 02, 2008 12:07 pm
Location: UK

Postby illGuyX » Sun May 11, 2008 7:34 pm

It has taken me over a year and half to get my interests back.
Yet I don't feel ready yet. But due to recent events I must try and take action of my life somehow.

I sure hate my boss for destroying my last piece of confidence.

It was a couple of guys on the DU room, they helped me get my programming interests back. So I am very thankful of DU.

That it was only recently that I have gained new goals for my life.
To make other employers aware of mental health and good working relationships.

Yet I fear I will loose this goal :(
My dad says, "I will try and contact people who may be able to pull some strings. It is not because I don't want you here. It is because I fear for your safety".
Horrific words :(

Life at the moment is scary for me :( I am just hoping that this next week will be a positive one.
------------------------------------------

Variety is what humans strive for

And respect goes both ways.

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illGuyX
Posts: 43
Joined: Fri May 02, 2008 12:07 pm
Location: UK

Postby illGuyX » Sun May 11, 2008 7:45 pm

I really am happy to be around people who care for mental health. That I am not the only one with troubles. I believe every human is suffering inside in some way somewhere on this planet.

That chat rooms inspire me to try and help others also. I am sure some of you know.
------------------------------------------

Variety is what humans strive for

And respect goes both ways.

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Sun Jun 08, 2008 12:20 pm

((((((((((((( illGuy ))))))))))))))))))))

You are special to us, please remember that. Thank you for all your kindness that you show in the chat room.

Warmie/Jeanie 8)
“If we admit our depression openly and freely, those around us get from it an experience of freedom rather than the depression itself.”
--- Dr. Rollo May
Sunshine, smiles and love.

Depression Forums | Depression Chat Rooms | Depression Blogs

http://www.depression-understood.org/

User avatar
illGuyX
Posts: 43
Joined: Fri May 02, 2008 12:07 pm
Location: UK

Feeling Low as of Today

Postby illGuyX » Mon Nov 03, 2008 5:52 pm

Living in a house full of nuts don't help me much.

Seeing my dad loose out on £60 that he earned to fix a laptop and not get it because of my mum. My mum is now looking after the finances which in the past has destroyed my dad. My dad has given up trying he says.

I also have no confidence in myself because everything I have attempted or have done, has gone wrong. I still have echos of my last bosses words keeps echoing in my head, "WHAT THE f*** DID I HIRE YOU FOR?". "THINK I WAS TOO HARD YOU?". "USE YOUR f****** BRAIN, YOU f****** IDIOT YOU f****** USELESS"....etc etc. He was my first employer since years being out of work, thankfully he did appologise. My soon to be ex-wife has to pay for the thousands of dollars for the divorce laywer. I am now scared to doing much of anything with other people. I learnt I should of been, "FIRED" to get better government help and go to a tribunel.

I have been out of work for over a year now with no benefits, despite two benefit experts claim I can apply for income support (RSHP, Graft). I did apply for it and the "Job Centre" says "I am not entitled to it", yet I am entitled to claiming "Incapacity and Income Support" form. WTF is GOING ON!?!? Back in the past when I was entitled to this benefit "Incapacity Benefit", the forms got lost over 10 times in the past which also resulted in my pension stamps are out of date.

I am not getting a pension because of my stamp is not up to date. I thought it was paid off during my previous employer saying i will probably get a lower wage during the few months.

Seeing my Dad suffer from his big bag of pills is not easy on me. He's changing pills recently, his headache is still here. Strong believes it is a migrane.

My dad always keeps moaning he is always right and I am always wrong. Yet always stresses about everything around him. He has good reason too, considering he has spent most of his life looking after my mum.

Also suffering from depression and anxiety still. Having not taken them for a day and taken 3 pints of beer yesturday has made me feel really low today is costing my mental self-steem alright.

I'm trying to push myself to keep with it. I practice Teetotalism, I walk the dog atleast twice a day every day, I try and routinely keep looking after the kitchen and cook my dad lunch and teas. Made myself a social site, yet I still have to mentally push myself to do anything in my field.

My doctor does not believe I am suffering from depression and yet he perscribes me pills, infact he perscribed me "Beta Blockers" to help with the stress of my previous employer. I still suffer from anxiety.

I swear somehow, through out the way I been mentally treated, my surroundings, my pills, my low self-esteem is making me more tired than usual, causing my routine to be crap (Making me unfit for work).

I spent almost all my previous earned money looking after my parents. With my last job working my mum even asked me to help one of her friends of £200. Now I wish I didn't.

I've gotten to the point where I am turning sick on a lot of things :( No matter which way I go, I loose. I soo baddly need change in lifestyle.

I have been debating about turning homeless as well. I am slowly accepting as a possible solution to my problems.
I don't do crime or illegal drugs, or drink or smoke.
I am just trying to get through this life :(

I am hoping that this "Life is full of UPs and DOWNs" is more true than just "DOWNs".
------------------------------------------

Variety is what humans strive for

And respect goes both ways.

User avatar
illGuyX
Posts: 43
Joined: Fri May 02, 2008 12:07 pm
Location: UK

Loss of Interest yet new Support

Postby illGuyX » Thu Nov 27, 2008 4:11 am

Recent Support
Despite having a rough start with RSHP, I am now getting support and have discussed what support I require.

I have been going to a, "Self Esteem" group. I am in week 7 of 10. The initial part was good, but after missing a session, it has been feeling more of a drag on me. It is reassuring to see everything I am suffering from is in black and white. Feel more wiser about my understanding of "Self Esteem" also.

Personal Investigating of Myself
Going through a wierd phase recently that my pills maybe the cause to some of my symptoms. I am struggling to even write this would you believe. RSHP case worker believes I may have exhausted all my means to stay happy. My interests, self-esteem and motivation is a slow dribble, so I have been investigating this personally, here is what I have found out so far. I am trying to find patterns in my behaviour.


Overall I am still mentally pushing myself despite. Even to just watch a film or play a simple game!?

I did try and tell my doctor about my pill symptoms findings but he still thinks I should push on with the Self Esteem group. He's a highly respected doctor so I will still keep with his recommendations. Up to a point.
------------------------------------------

Variety is what humans strive for

And respect goes both ways.

User avatar
illGuyX
Posts: 43
Joined: Fri May 02, 2008 12:07 pm
Location: UK

Postby illGuyX » Sun Feb 01, 2009 4:16 pm

I keep todo lists in my gmail in a couple of ways:

    label "todo" emails that are colored "red",
    add tasks to "Remember the Milk" task widget,
    I have tried Google's Task List how not so easy to keep up compared to "Remember the Milk".


I have calmed on the logs and now moved to just recording my automatic thought moments, you can see this new log at ABC (Action Belief Consequances)

RSHP is working with my CBT and getting to me start looking for apartments and flats to look at, all this is very nerve racking in deed. Not sure if I can keep a stable a job.

Thanks to regular mental support from RSHP, I have been finally accepted some regular benefit and looking into housing. Shoved all my backdated money into a savings and still shoving every other money I can get there too.

I started to volunteer at a new place that has been making me wanting to make a new website. Which is slow at the moment as I still getting myself accepted with the organization, they want another meeting apparently. I have blogged a few articles about my excitement and found motivational energy here and here.

I now regularly slowly build up motivational energy to update my sharedcookbook too :)

Small steps at a time.
------------------------------------------

Variety is what humans strive for

And respect goes both ways.

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
Posts: 29196
Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:46 pm
Contact:

Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Tue Feb 03, 2009 10:44 pm

((((((((((((((( illGuy ))))))))))))))))))))

Just a hug and hello from me to you.


Warmie 8)
“If we admit our depression openly and freely, those around us get from it an experience of freedom rather than the depression itself.”

--- Dr. Rollo May

Sunshine, smiles and love.



Depression Forums | Depression Chat Rooms | Depression Blogs



http://www.depression-understood.org/


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