Can Anything actually help?

[Littlewolf]

I just need to vent, I wouldn't blame you for not reading everything.

I registered here about a month ago but never really came back after the first night because the chat area kind of turned me off. But desperation brought me back, at least to see if talking to people going through similar feelings would maybe sort of help.

I'm 20, going on 21 real soon and I've been dealing with depression since I was about 12. Maybe even younger, I was never really a happy child, never fit in the groups, chose books over people because I was bullied, cried despite not having a reason why.

I've grown up with traditional strict Mexican parents who have kept me from doing the things I would have liked to have done.
I feel ashamed that I've allowed them to control me as much as they've had.
Never been camping, never been to a sleepover. The only times I've slept away from my home has been to sleep over at a relatives place, but never with friends.
They don't approve of my piercings and they hate it when I stay out past 10pm.
For gods sake, I'm nearly 21.
But in their minds, as long as I live under their roof, I follow their rules. But I "can't" move out until I'm married.

I have a wonderful boyfriend who gives me courage and who I love dearly. And I've dropped school in order to make time for a full-time job. I'm still searching for a job. I had a part-time job but I was constantly depressed while I was there, it was a shitty job.
Schools always made me unhappy as well. I've never been able to settle on a career and knowing I don't have an end goal discouraged me from making an effort in my classes.

I feel afraid when I think about moving out and pissing off my parents because I'm moving in with a man while not being married to him.
I'll marry him some day, but I just don't want to marry him in order to be allowed to move out.

They've kept part of my spirit locked up. They tell me its for my own good.
They tell me they don't let me do certain things because they'd worry and they don't trust others.

We get into arguments. When I try to fight for more freedom. When I get a piercing. I just got an eyebrow piercing so I can already feel an argument. I just have to tell them about it and deal with their words.

My mother once told me she wanted to kill herself because I'm such a horrible daughter.
When I think about it, I still feel the stab. It hurts.
I help out with some bills, which has gotten harder since I quit my job.

I am prone to anxiety, even when me and my parents are doing fine, I get anxiety. Anxiety about life and over thinking things. I hate it but it's just how I am.

I get emotional. I cry when my boyfriend has to leave my house for the night, because I feel okay when he's with me, he makes me feel as if all is right in my f***** up mind. But when he's leaving I cry and I feel like crap.

And my mother yells at me when he leaves because I was too close to him or my legs were on his lap.

"What will the family think? They'll say you're easy"
Is what she tells me.

I'm tired of it.
I'm tired of feeling unhappy for no goddamn reason.
I'm tired of dealing with their crap.
I'm afraid of their harsh words and disapproval. I just want to make them happy but I can't.

And what if after I move out, I still feel unhappy? What if life doesn't get any better?
What if I'm constantly a failure at the things I set out to do. School, writing, work.

Last year I began cutting. But I stopped, I realized it wouldn't solve my problems.
I smoked pot, but I can't now because I'm looking for a job. But it really relaxed me.

Other than Jamie (my boyfriend) I don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff.
I've been tempted to see a therapist or get other means of professional help but I don't want to take pills.

Luckily, I'm not suicidal anymore. Well, I don't think about it as often. Rarely now because I'd be afraid of being without my boyfriend. Jamie makes me feel as if there is a silver lining and I know I have something to accomplish.

But I still feel the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. The tears still well up in my eyes and I still get the urge to just scratch away the pain. Or to drink.


My old best friend once told me that only by moving away from my parents, I would feel at peace. Because he felt they were the origin of my breakdowns.
Maybe he's right.
but I can't move out just yet and I'm afraid.

blah.

[Jalapeno]

Life away from home can be hard, but the freedom is often liberating. You work, you sweat, you struggle, and maybe you even fail, but you get to do it on your terms and enjoy all the fruits of the work you've put into living the life you want to live - and sometimes, it's really, really good. It's your life then, and you always get to choose what to do with it and how many times to pick yourself up.

I think being away from parents who make you feel bad would be especially beneficial, as just hearing mean things regularly from loved ones will wear most people down. I'm sorry things are hard right now, but keep pushing forward!