loneliness has consumed me- possible trigger

[brokennalone]

They say people come and go in life but all I know is people going.. I'm so tired of being hurt and alone. I dont have any friends, not 1.. I don't have any family members to lean on, they all disappeared over the years. They only person I have had for the past few years is my boyfriend and while our relationship was coming to an end, we have spent most of the past few weeks enjoying each other and the time we still had with each other come to find out he has met someone else, he says he needs to move on with his life. How can u move on from something that isn't over. We still live together.. we still have sex.. we still lay in bed at night and tell each other how much we love each other. I knew walking away from him would be the hardest thing I would ever do and have spent almost every waking minute ofvthe past few weeks thinking about the lonely existence I will have once he's gone, I have spent weeks crying over this all while he is apparently on to the next one. Like I never existed. How cqn u tell someone u love them and then not feel any sadness over loosing them and the impact they have had on your life, the impaft they have had on your heart. My whole life I have delt with people hurting me, then leave me.. when do I get a break? Is this really what I'm destined for? Its scary when sadness has turned into physical pain.. is the only way to not hurt anymore to hurt urself? I am not a religious person by any means so I have never put any thought of the repercussions of suicide in the afterlife yet here I am alone really thinking that even if there is I'm willing to take that chance.. its a 50/50 chance and if I'm wrong at least it would be a change of pace from what life has given me.. I have thought of suicide so many times, I have spent so much time researching suicide methods and every time I get to that point I chicken out.. I'm so scared of failing.. I'm so scared of surviving and be institutionalized while people who could give a shit about me expect me to open up to them, tell them my story. I'm so ashamed of my story.. there is so much pain associated with my story.. I can't live with all this.. I just don't belong here.. I want a painless way to end it all because I have hurt enough in life I don't want to hurt in death as well. I reached out to my bf and my father today yet here I am 24 hrs later still alone... guess noone cares unless ur really gone...

[nenkohai]

While I don't understand why your relationship has to end, do know that I'm sorry your going through such a bad time. You are more than what you state here. You contain an entire universe just waiting to be explored.

I wish you the best in everything.

NK

[metaLarsllica]

((((((((((((( hugs )))))))))))))0


I'm sorry your going through this.

Meta