From A to B

[geezus84]

hello,

I thought i'd write my story, truth is my story doesn't have a start as i don't know when i became depressed, i just know when my first real episode was. but i suspect the seeds of my depression and anxiety were forged from my childhood right through to my teens

( childhood - teens )

Born ill ( major chest surgery, partly deaf , and classed as someone with learning difficulties. ( i was a late late bloomer to things . kids had years on me. anyway i was bullied at school.
High school - better times as my brain started to catch up and my learning issues managed to become manageable in key subjects. But my story i think stems from that as i wanted love and protection, I fell for a girl. she was my best friend for 9 years, she was my hope and reasons to keep going beyond my barriers people set me. she made me feel less of a "freak"

Fast forward 6 years of friendship. l finally asked her out, for 3 years i walked so tall i felt like a god. people could make me feel low. but my need for love started cause issues within the relationship. maybe i was classed as clingy, but things changed and after an engagement and then one day without warning she left me, (( that was the event that trigger my depression i thin )).

6 months i didn't shave, i didn't see light. i choose to loose friends for her when she was there with me, and when i went into that place. no one came for me ( bar one ), saved me, i tried ( and failed ) and the doc put me on meds. i turned to drink, being unemployed at the time saved me from going down that road. ( didn't drink myself under )> i went from 10 stone to 6 stone. . i got asked if i had cancer or if i was on drugs. i found no pleasure in things. i found myself disconnected from the world and from my feelings.

then came the anger, the no am not letting her kill me. i got really angry, the beard came off. the pubs were my friends. i used my emails to track down old friends. i went from girl to girl, from heart ache to heartache each time worse. the first one toyed with my feelings , the next one i was the one was me causing the heart ache. ( i wasn't morally right now ) i seeked love in the arms of another woman. a married woman. who needed to escape her abusive partner. that ended with me being ashamed of myself. i wasn't that kinda person deep down. but the worse one was i found someone and we lost a kid, but she didn't tell me till after our relationship because "you were not strong enough". so i hated myself for being crippled by my mind and for not being there

meanwhile work called- i worked 12 hour shifts. jumped around jobs.filling up the hole. running away from that alone time. when it came to bed time i crashed out like a log. i did that for two years. but then i had to take time off for a funeral, my grandfathers. and that time off was hell, not just for the loss i felt, but i was thinking. and the anxiety started then> i tired to wonder how i could fix things with people, what i would of done differently. how could i keep people happy. and i broke down and since then i havet be able to hold a job properly as i worry about job stresses. about not sleeping. about people thoughts about all manner of things. i couldn't stop

more people came and left me, used me and abused me. stole money from me and other stuff. but i was too numb to care and too weak to fight stress have come and gone, new panic have come and gone too. new anxieties about new things. and so i keep going, not sure how. angry doesn't drive me now, not sure what does. i do feel without hope more so now. but yet something keeps me.

this year has been the harder est since losing my ex fiance and the lost of my child, ive lost two people in the space of three months. my body is out of sync, ive reached the whats the point stage, esp as i now feel more alone than ever. my family is split and busy dealing with there loss, my friends have all left me and my one true friend is going through his hell so i can talk now. and im at a loss.. yet i still take my new meds. i still have hope and while ive come out a relationship. i have something still in me keeping me. but the longer the isolation kicks in the more a piece of me fades

my story might sound without hope. but ive become stronger and a better person. i grew up fast when i lost a kid. my ex's. my depression aged me mentally im 28 in 2 days. but i feel 67. i have chosen some good paths too. ive lost people who brought me down and caused me stress and ive leaned to trust myself a little and i keep taking my meds. im not wreckly. im morally a better person. i don't treat people wrongly. i show people compassion and love. even if they hurt me and even if there a stranger. going through the bad made me grateful and understanding of whats good. and what i can do. i still read and write etc etc.

my last words to you the reader is, thank you for reading and be in good spirits and health and if your not, then you have my support.

Sorry for any typos.

I go on the chatroom by the name of Hubblehobbit84 ( see you there maybe )

[nenkohai]

My friend, Geez,

My heart goes out to you. Really does. Loss of a child, and all the emotional ups/downs and abuses. And yet you've emerged (or are emerging) as stronger. THAT is an inspiration. Thank you for for sharing that. What you wrote spoke to me.

NK