I think I know what I should do. but I never seem to do it

[Spicefox]

Little bit of background: I’m 24yr old female. I’m a data entry monkey that the company feels im disposable. I tried to off myself 13yrs ago when i was 11. Been depressed off and on, mostly on since then. Im thinking of going to the dr with the following because my sister wants me to. Any words or anything to help? And ill answer any questions. Idk the peak is high again. Ive never seen a dr about it before. Excuse the crappy typing, it happens when im down and cbf

What i feel
- Down
- Suicidal
- Stressed

How i feel it

Down. Every day of the week (more or less) i feel down or depressed. Like im not worthy of anything. I have felt this way probably for about 10 years now. Like i am not enough to anyone no matter what they say. Even the best of my ability is not enough so i try to strive for a perfection i know i wont really achieve.

I dont like social situations because i dont like being around people i dont really know. I find that being with people is hard and i cant keep up the facade that long that im happy. Its easier to do it with people i dont know, i would just rather stay indoors and watch programs or play on my xbox.

Suicidal. I first tried to commit suicide when i was 11. It wasn’t what youd medically call an attempt, but my dad left that day and i sat outside on a window and wanted to jump. I had to be coaxed back into the room by my sister. Since then i have wanted to off myself or just die almost every day. There was a period where i had suicide notes written out. I often have them mentally written out. If i could just go somewhere and die, i would do it. I dont have the courage to off myself. I have had periods of self harm. Not usually cutting, i dont like scars. I used to hit my head, and things id rather never tell people. Its my secret.

Stressed. My job is a major stressor in making me suicidal. I think its why my current period of depression feels so low and i think its causing an anxiety about my work place. Which in turn is causing my body to shut down by getting ill or migraines. I have a weakened immune system. But this weekend ( i am writing this on 15th October) i had the Thursday and friday off due to a migraine – i was fine on the Saturday and then on Sunday i had a migraine which caused me to have to nap due to the severity of the pain in my eyes. I can only think that it was because i had to return to work.

I just dont know if i want to go to the dr now. I mean i dont know if i want ADs, my father, step mother and sister have all been on them and dont recommend them. I’ve had enough trouble with prescription drugs, i just dont know if i want to add another. Every so often i feel like i should see dr, but i dont go and then just deal again. Aowenfawoinfe idk : (

[Waynec]

Hello again Beth.
I can relate to you on several levels, and understand what you are going through. Ive walked a similar path recently, and have suffered myself on and off for 20+ years. Going to the doctors is a great first step, asking for help is is not easy. I found my doctor to be great, and has got me into the talking therapy side of things.
A mild AD to start might be enough to level things out. Its sounds to me like you are more wanting the pain to stop, as apposed to wanting to die.

Im very similar to the social side of things, I suffer with huge esteem and confidence problems, but what you have to remember is, somebody somewhere love you, depends on you and needs you, weather you know them or not.

I bet if you sat and thought, really thought about it, you can find some qualitys in yourself that are fantastic.

Keep talking to us hear, we are here to listen.

If you want to pm a fellow brit at any time, feel free to.

[bluejay23]

Hi Beth! I completely understand how you feel too. I tried "offing" myself when I was really young.. maybe 12. I took a bunch of Tylenol and sat and waited to die. But I didn't take enough to kill myself... I never told anyone either. Then when I was 16 I took an entire bottle of sleeping pills with a bottle of vodka... needless to say.. i threw up a TON..had to get my stomach pumped.. and still here kicking... I felt like I couldn't even kill myself right. I don't have the nerve to kill myself now either.. I agree i feel if there was somewhere to go where you could just die I would have gone by now. But thank goodness theres not! Because when those moments pass those moments arise that make me realize that living is worth it. I know those moments might now accur as much you like but they are there... theres so much good in the world so much beauty.. we just have to try to see it. I don't know if this is helping you or causing lots of eye rolling (i've done this plenty of times when my moms talks to me like this!) I've often felt that I cause my depression... the whole "power of thought" phenomenon but I've felt depressed most of my life and truely believe we have a "disease" I know that disease is often an extremely overused word but in this case I think it fits. I think the best thing we can do for ourselves and the people who love us is seek help. I think coming to this site is great start for both of us and talking to a doctor too. I'm so embaressed to talk to someone... but my life depends on it and yours too! I wouldn't want anything more than to get to know you on here. I need it... I have NO friends at all because like you .. I hate talking to people and avoid social situations like a plague!

[Spicefox]

Hey Wayne :)
my first thought in my head was i can't imagine going 20+ years feeling like this, but I'm a young adult and already 13 years into this god forsaken sentence.

i have worries with going to the dr. i really dont know about ADs, my family say bad. but those with real depression (though my sister has bipolar) say it at least helps keep things in check.

yeah i have low self esteem and not many people can help that. i know im not a bad person, i just think things would be easier without me... sometimes if thats only for me that itd be easier. i dont find the thought of taking my life selfish at all though - ive stuck around for 13years feeling like it which means ive put far more in front of me

you can PM me too anytime :) it'd be nice to talk to different people.

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hiya bluejay.

its really disheartening to hear you also tried to kill yourself when you were young :( i cant say apart from that time sitting on the ledge that ive actively tried to kill myself. so i feel like im a pretender when i say that im suicidal because i havent actually tried to take my life so am i just pretending :( idk. my dad calls me a hypochondriac and it means i always wonder if im making things up. anything. its not like i even want attention. i just want to find a hole to die in.

yeah theres definitely the good times and i didnt roll my eyes, it made me smile :P

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so this morning wasn't a good one. it'll sound quite trivial to most people i think. but in work im basically "second in line". my pay doesnt reflect this. my status doesnt reflect this. how im treated does not reflect this.

when my supervisor is out of the office i cover everything that is time sensitive (so i just leave reports) and i manage to get that all done despite the team being a member down and doing work i am unfamiliar with. when my colleague is out of the office i do everything she usually does, and with fair ease.

this job im almost sure now is part of whats making me physically ill so ive taken just under 20 days off sick this year. i came back in on Monday and our IPT system went down, i joked to my boss (not in our team) "can i go home please" it was half four and clearly a joke, the response was "youve only just come in". it just angered me so much inside. YES BECAUSE I WAS ILL.

but anyway : this morning my colleague calls in sick and my supervisor goes "oh you need to do xx because theyre appts and need to go on today" ... the stuff that i do is not covered, one lot is a version of appts and another is something that just builds up...

so i have to come back in to two or three days work (even when I booked off holiday to recover from being ill at the beginning of sep) which then stresses me further, and my colleague who barely pulls her damned weight gets to come in with a clean slate. she will adjust the amount of time it takes to do work according to how much is put in front of her. i know my boss is aware of this, yet everything is still put on me. i need OUT. i have an interview thing later but ive had 2 in the last 3 months. sigh. i just really wanted to hurt myself and cry. i clenched my jaw so hard it almost locked :(

anyway, i thought then i needed to call the dr but i didnt do it at lunch. so again, ive put it off. i feel like im wasting his time :(

[bluejay23]

I feel like that too.. like i would be wasting their time but your not!! Sitting on ledge is just as bad as taking a Tylenol!! I took just over the recommended amount so i wasn't even close to taking enough to cause any harm... your situation was actually more dangerous to your life then mine... never undermine how you feel... your problems are just as bad as anyone elses because they directly effect your life and you. Yes, there is always someone who has it worse ... but that doesn't mean what your going through doesn't hurt. That sucks you had a bad day at work... i hope that you do find something better... whenever you feel down or clenching your jaw so tight it might snap.. just remember the best things never come easy or fast... (unfortunately)... so it will be worth the wait!

[Waynec]

Hi
As Bluejay has said, never underestimate your feelings or your worth. Your doctor will not think you are wasting their time. You certainly are not suffering from hypochondria. Maybe get your sister to come along as your advocate to help you.

It does seem that your work emviroment is causing you a huge amunt of distress. And I know from experience that, in your current frame of mind, its amplified tenfold.
Im currently off work due to my illness, but they are being great with me. Is it worth going to your HR, and explaining your situation?.

Sending you a massive virtual hug, we all need one now and again

[Spicefox]

I guess the whole ledge thing is bad. I just, well I've never been the get attention type so I've never really talked about it at large, I tried to tell a colleague about it and I just tear up :/

so that afternoon I did end up making an appt with the dr, and have it first thing monday morning.

i am debating with myself about possibly being signed off. But ADs can take abuot 4weeks to work and i don't want to be off for a month on sick pay. I don't get paid a lot but it's still less than half my weekly normal wage. I see my options as
a) get signed off until I feel better
b) wait approximately a month and re evaluate how i feel about work and my health
c) don't think about signing off until some sort of counselling

I am going to aim for ADs and counselling, but i'm not sure what the waiting list is like for the latter, and I doubt I'd take the AD he prescribes until I have researched it. I added the following to the end, can you tell me if it makes sense, i feel i need to mention it but its the hardest part to explain:

I also feel stressy. This one I find a little harder to explain. like something almost insignificant happens and i get angry/over-react.Something like someone said theyre gonna be online in 5minutes, but 10minutes later I start to get angry and pissed off at them when i know rationally 5minutes doesnt always mean 5minutes. also im awware i have had a few sick days but my colleague takes off a couple of days for a cold and im just like what!? why are you even doing that. and i feel like i have something to take out on someone

And Wayne- my sister offered to come, she's more or less what's pushing me to go. She got diagnosed with bipolar a few years ago and shes 2years younger than me and knows the drill better. I might go to HR after I see the dr. So that I have a plan of action in place. And thanks for the hug <3

[stillwaters]

Hi Spicefox
You have already received some good advice and I am glad you are going to the Dr. and that your sister is coming with to help you.
I have been fighting depression for about three years now. Actually fighting 2 years but suffering 3.
The only thing I want to add is about your researching the anti depressants. Do not be Dr Google. Most AD's have reported side effects and they are scary. The side effects do not manifest in all people that take them but the drug companies are obligated to show them. In most cases you cant even find a proper description of what selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors actually do.
I have been on 2 AD's now. Pristiq & now Citalopram. The Pristiq worked well and then it stopped working. The Citalopram works although I am still dealing with some additional anxiety issues. I also have to take sleeping pills and anti anxiety meds. My thereapist says my Ego was smashed. I have been off work since Septembers first week and have done a lot of research about meds and depression online.
I guess the point I am trying to make is that if the Dr prescribes a med that he has had success with, dont read about it and scare yourself, just take it. If you do not see an improvement in 4 weeks tell your Dr. He will probably want to give it another week or two but if it still is not working, you try the next one and so on until you find the one that works.
With regard to signing off I suggest option B if you can handle it.
I dont know about the anger stuff. I am lucky to not get that way I guess. Sometimes I am a little short but not often. Or maybe I do and I just dont remember.
Good luck Spicefox. Welcome to the great AD experiment and get better.

[Spicefox]

Thanks for the advice

I generally don't over google it. I like to know the basis of want ever drug I put into me past the included leaflet. I look at basic effects and what it's meant to do, and I ask a friend who will give me it straight who is every clever and intelligent in this area. The only thing I've surmised, and been advised is to avoid Paxil. I don't want to look at drugs before I'm possibly prescribed anything, just anything that I may be prescribed

And yeah I think b would be my best options or I know part of me would just not eve want to return to work. At least not this job

[Waynec]

You are more than welcome for the hug. Plenty more where that came from.
Im so pleased you are going to the doctors, and your sister is there by your side to help you through it. One thing I will say for certain, regardless how close you and your sister are now, it will bring you closer. Please let us know how it goes with the DR on monday. As for the AD, as above google can be the greatest downfall. Ive been on and off them for a number of years, and have had varying success.

In regards to your job, maybe you need the time out to focus on you and reassess where you are, and what you stand for.

Its not going to be easy, but you have all of us to talk to, and hopefully a counselor soon. In regards to that, pile it on, you will be seen much quicker.

Keep fighting the good fight, you know where we are if you need us. x

[Spicefox]

I'm not going to the dr today. I have flu. So well see if I ever reschedule this.

[Waynec]

Sorry to hear this, not what you need right now. Id seriously consider making a new appointment. Maybe a week from now, or end of the week. You can always cancel if you not in the right frame of mind to go.

[Spicefox]

i feel like i need to get this out and while i dont really want to use it as a blog, it doesnt need a new thread and i like to know people who care are reading it, even though i know we all cant help as we're all in not so bright places

i am really rethinking this signing off thing. i would get less than half a week of what i would get with my normal pay. while i could pay my rent for my parents i would have little to no money left. I amt thinking of talking to my step mother and seeing how she would go with rent if i were to look at getting signed off. if i had that support behind me, getting signed off would be a burden off of my chest. whatever i do, its a dark corridor because i may not get my parents blessing. i dont think they believe im that sad. sure i put a good mask on, but its just that a mask. every day i get up i dont want to work, its not laziness, i know laziness, its the environment im going into. my supervisor can make me angry in a few seconds flat and i become highly irritable. its got worse as time as gone on.

my manager was one of the few people who understood my time off and that when im in work i put in my all - she has been made redundant. i got turned down for a second interview yesterday. its just all flustercucking and i dont know what to do

if my step mother even thinks or looks at me weird then i will feel bad about thinking of time off - but shes offered me counselling in the past for harming myself. just because theres no physical scars it doesnt mean its gone away. i dont think i suffer from anxiety, and i know i should not rely on internet surveys, but i have an app on my phone that is part of a research in a uni here in the UK. but my anxiety score has changed to "severe" in the two weeks i have had the application. i dont think taking it today would have helped that. the depression is "severe" also and has not lessened. i just dont know. the point of the anxiety thing is that i get stressed so easily and i dont know if my anxiety has manifested itself like that and im just not recognising the standard of anxiety.

blehhhh. i just dont want to work anymore. and id keep looking for another job - its this environment thats doing it and then if i got one i dont know exactly what I'd say to HR.

i hate that everything just makes it worse. its like a massive circle you cant step out of, and if you try the gravity ups itself.

[Waynec]

Hi Beth.

You are right, the first thing to do is get signed off. If your stepmother is ok with the rent thing, its gonna be a huge weight off your shoulders, and then you can focus on you and the circle you find yourself in.
Being at work is not beneficial to you at the moment, so some time out to talk and discover the problems is the best thing for you in my opinion.
You can self referrer to the local IAPT team in your area, to cut out the middleman and speed up the process. Its a huge help having a regular appointment to keep, and knowing what you say stays in that room. I find my current counselor to be a huge help.

People in our situation dont always bare the scars, thats what makes depression so hard for people to understand. I just look tired, whilst inside im crumbling.
Just know you arent alone in all this, I for one know what you are going through, as do a lot of people here.

[Spicefox]

I have the dr in about an hour and I'm so stressed about it

It's gotten to the point I need to be signed off and I keep thinking he won't do it.