How I Got Here....

[mymonkey]

I have an amazing boyfriend who I love very much, I have a wonderful family who have always supported my. My few close friends are there for me and I am at University studying what I love. So how did I get here?

I have had depression for as long as I can remember, not being diagnosed until I was 18 I knew I had always been different. I remember being about seven and cying everyday for no reason, I thought because I had no friends. At the age of 11 I was still crying alone in my room. At 16, I had plenty of friends but still I cried everyday. And as I sit here nearly 20 years of age I am still crying.

This crying isn't that of sadness, or anger. It is of emptiness and my realisation I will never go a day without the thought of killing myself or doubting my relationships with loved ones and the rest of the world.

I think the best place to start is from high school, most vivid in my memories. Anything before that is a bit hazy. Now I'll admit now, this is not a sob story, I don't want anyone to say, 'how terrible', or to give me a hug. Really this is a cry for help, for someone to talk to me like I am not someone who should be taken away from the real world and spoken to as if my feelings were that the same as someone else's.

So high school, I arrived maybe a little on the geeky side but I still attempted to wear makeup and indulge in social events. It was soon clear that I wasn't exactly hated just not neccesarily top of the invite list. My best friends from Junior School had left me for some new ones and by my second year I had to move forms.

We skip to the third year where I developed a black hairstyle and listened to rock music, I believed that this facade of emo was helping me fit in. They were people who didn't feel loved and didn't feel like part of any social group so decided to join together. The further I delved into this I realised, these wern't people who were like me but people who were merely playacting to grab attention. Where as me on the other hand needed help but had no confidence to ask. I have always seen myself as not right and this really highlighted it.

After restoring my hair back to it's normal colour and rejoining the rest of the school in cliquey normality I started to make friends. I went to parties and drunk alcohol, smoked cigarettes and even smoked cannibis. I felt like this is what it is like to be normal and happy. Then why didn't I feel it? I knew all the boys were only kissing me because I looked good after a few beers and the girls only hung around with me because they had to. I felt empty, when my moods pass over me it's like I've had everything that makes me smile sucked out of me. In these moods I do not want to speak, I want to sit alone. I can't force myself into homework and I can't force myself into being happy.

When reaching college, I had a completly new start. A different college where no one knew me. This is where I started to lie about my life and about everything in it. I wanted people to be there for me. I said that I had been pregnant and lost the baby, that I had taken class A drugs, that I had loads of friends at home. But I hadn't. Still to this day I can't really tell which are lies and which are not, I know they can't be true, but I feel as if I can relive the moments of loss and despair as if they were my moments to relive.

At college I slept around, trying to find a suitable partner. I wasn't interested in the sex, just the company. I hated to be alone as it was when my mind could really work and it scared me.

Finishing college I then left to University to study, although I didn't get the correct grades. At Uni I had to live with nine girls in a flat. I had never met them. It was clear from the start that I wasn't their cup of tea and after spending lots of time with a guy downstairs who happened to just be using me for my body the girls rebelled against me. They would shout horrific things, poor all my food out and try to kick down my door. After appealing to the University I moved to a different building with a girl on my course and the rest of her flatmates as they had a spare room.

Again, I was sleeping around and latching myself onto men to try and find someone stable in my life. It was here I first tried cocaine, MDMA, and Mcat. Two of the girls I lived with became my best friends, ones who seemed more dedicated than any others I had had.

One of these girls was selfish and rude, but me and L tried everything we could to please her. After I while I stood up for myself and said that I could not cope.

At this time I was still losing whole days to staying in bed and smoking cigarettes all day without washing or eating. No matter how many friends I made at uni, I was still alone.

This is when I attempted to over dose. Although I have always planned my death and written letters to be recieved by those who have made an impact on my life. I didn't think I could actually do it. It was the same here. I wanted someone to realise that I wasn't okay and I wasn't getting better but I find it hard to talk.

After leaving hospital everyone made an effort to make sure I was okay and that my pillows were fluffed. This wasn't what I wanted, it was here I realised I just needed these feelings to go away.

Since then I have met my current boyfriend. He is doing a nursing diploma at university, he is kind and smart and caring. Everything I thought I needed. I thought being in love and finding someone that could potentially change my life would change me. It hasn't. The more he sees me like this the more it pushes him away. It's not that he doesn't care, he doesn't understand how to help.

I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to feel free of this horrible feeling. So this is how I got here.

[LunaCat]

Welcome to the forums.

It's great that you now have someone who's loving and supportive in your life, but it's difficult when they don't know how to help. It's so hard to see someone you love wishing they could be the solution and not knowing how to share how you feel with them without feeling like you're going to isolate yourself more.

Have you ever tried therapy or anything like that? Of course a person can't be an end all be all for your depression, but the support they can give can mean a world of difference.

[Obayan]

Talking is a great start to healing. Talking to a therapist or counselor can help you in making great strides towards healing. Therapy, medication, meditation, healthy diet, proper hygien, exercise, these are all just tools that help us to achieve our goals. Some we use, some we discard. I do hope you find the help you are seeking. For me, the help came as CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy).