I will keep it short....

[Mags13]

I'm a victim/survivor of CSA (hate both terminologies).

Since 2008..I've pushed everyone out of my life. Not because I didn't want them in there...I was trying to protect them. I've attempted suicide a few times...and I just didn't want them to be hurt by my actions.

I still struggle with letting people into my life... because I'm not sure that I want to be here. And I want that safe margin. I do not want to hurt anyone. But I also do not want to commit to sticking around.

..So, I'm lost...Every word that is uttered to me...I feel as a criticism. I'm trying..I'm really trying to not see it that way. But I don't trust....And I don't know how you live in this life when you distrust everyone's words...

I'm a rape victim...several times over. I thought that being older..would change that...but it hasn't.

I can't go into details but I do not see a future for me. When I imagine my life, I see it ending soon.

Yes...I'm in therapy...but I've been cancelling appointments...

Yes...I've been medicated...and I overdosed (purposely)

I'm trying....but I'm sad....

[Mags13]

I'm sorry...I'm just finding it hard to trust anyone right now...

Sending a warm prayer that everyone here is safe. take good care.

[dd-va]

(((((( Mags13 )))))))) I am sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. I encourage you to keep coming back here, there are wonderful, trustworthy people here that honestly do care about you! Keep fighting....sometimes that is all we can do. Take Care and Keep Coming Back

dd-va

[Mags13]

Thank you dd.

Yeesh...this is the part that I hate...I was spiralling a little...I went to emerg for a little bit to be safe, And I'm home now. I didn't "actually" see a doc. But going there was enough to bring my thoughts back...

I'm sorry. This is all so embarrassing. But I am really touched that you talked to me dd...thank you...

And again, I'm sorry about this tonight. I'm ok though. I promise that I'm safe. I'm home..and heading to bed.

thx again.

[dd-va]

Mags I am glad to hear that you are safe, Please try to get some rest, I am hoping that tomorrow will be better for you!

dd-va

[LunaCat]

((Mags13)) I am so sorry for your struggles. I can relate to so much of what you wrote. It's an awful position to be in. I hope you continue to stay safe, to use whatever (healthy) outlets you can to cope and that you're able to see the brighter side of things asap.

[Obayan]

Never feel sorry for needing help. Needing help is not a sign of weakness or failure. It's a sign of being human. We all need help at some point or another in our lives. Seeking help when we need it is one of the most responsible things we can ever do. It shows the maturity in being able to recognise that need and responsibility in seeking help when we know we need it. Nobody can ever go thru life alone. And fortunately you don't have to. You found a great place here with a lot of very caring and supportive people.

[Mags13]

I just wanted to come back and say thank you, everyone. You did make a difference last night, and you continue to make a difference to me today.

You have my word that I will stay safe. When I get triggered, I'm better at recognizing the thinking patterns. Which is why I went to the hospital for a little while last night - just to shift the thinking patterns a little.

Sometimes, I feel ashamed and that feeling gets to be so overwhelming that I spiral out a little.

Thanks again everyone. You have all managed to make me feel less embarrassed about all of this and less alone. Thank you.

[Obayan]

You aren't alone anymore.

[Mags13]

Thank you, Obayan.

I'm ok now. Or at least better? I had an appointment with my therapist today. Talked about what I'd done and everything. I'm accepting the nature of the beast for now. I know that I'll have tougher moments.

Thank you to all those that responded to this thread. It was a bad night, but I'm ok now. Thank you *hugs*

[dd-va]

I'm glad things are better for you at the moment Mags! Keep on fighting that beast!

dd-va