feeling hopeless - trigger

[rober]

I have never tried to write my all story.... so I don't know if I'll be able to do it.
But i wanna try...even tough I'm not sure is going to help.
i didn't have a good childhood.
My mom was sick... dealing with depression, panick attacks, agoraphobia, hypocondria...
she didn't seek for professional help such as a psychologist or a psychiatric.
She was constatly worried about having a physical health problem, but she was too afraid to go to the physician...so she became addicted to some pain killer, cough syrup, bellyache pills and so on...
she used to talk with me about her problems so that it was like i became her mother and she became my daughter.
she was always at home, always worry about somthing bad that could happen to someone of the family....she didn't want me to go out with my friends because she was too worried... if my sister or brother were 5 minutes late she used to cry, shake and pray...in front of me of course.
very often she used to lay down and measure her bloody pressure, or count her beat telling me something was wrong with her heart.
my father...well...he was very dysforic...
he got mad with no reason, and used to yell and breack everything he found under his furious anger...sometimes he used to beat my mom.
I was always afraid about his reaction...he has never touched my, but he was so aggressive, yelling all the time, badwords, threatening to kill me or to kill my mom and a couple of time he threatened my brother with a knife.
he never told me i love you, never a sweet word, when he came back home from job he didn't say "HI"...i was transparent...he only looked at me when i did something "wrong"...
When I was 4 my grandfather put his hands in my panties and kissed me... after he did that he told me he was only trying to check out if i had hair on the vagina and he said "if you'll tell sombody I'll die"...
when I got back home i wasn't feeling good, i couldn't stop crying...my mom asked me what was wrong and I told her what happened.
she told me not to tell anybody about what happened or my father would have killed him.
a couple of years after the first abuse... by brother, 9 years older then me, took me to the bathroom while everyone was sleeping and had oral sex with me.
that happened several time... until I got the strenght to tell him to stop.
my mom's brother used to live with us, he had a sever ocd, he didn't have any job, he used to fight with my mom all the time...
so the atmosphere at home was never relaxed....
I grew up in a poor and dangerous neighbourg....and this made things harder....we were poor, often with no money left at the end of the month.

My mental helth problems seems to start at the elementary school...

Sorry it is too much painfull...I'll continue later

[Obayan]

Hi. I'm so sorry you had to go thru so much pain. Just want to let you know you are not alone. And you are safe here.

[rober]

thank you so much obayan
so..
i joined elementary school. I was a very sensitive child, very thin, very white skin.
the school was right down the building were we lived, you could have seen it from our window. But my mom didn't allow me to go by myself...because she was always anxious and worried about catastrophic consequences...
she used to check my beat and the color of the eyes and she always found something was wrong...so she often called the doctor and I went through a lot of medical examination....they were always negative. Of course.
i don't remember at which point my anxiety issues began...i was 6 i guess...
i could't sleep by night because i was worried my father could have killed my mom....
i ran into their bed and tryn’ not to sleep to check that everything was fine.
Then I didn’t want to go to school anymore...
i screamed, a cryed...i beg not go to school...i was going crazy...i didn’t know what was happening to me...i COULD’T go to school...it was impossible to me....i felt terrible.
everybody treated my like i was crazy...everybody told me I should have stopped with those “tantrum”....I felt guilty...it wasn’t a tantrum...
i had panick attacks.
i was afraid to leave the home, not only to go to school, but to go everywhere.
The family doctor wanted to prescribe me meds...i didn’t want to and thank God I didn’t.
when i was 8 i asked my mom for help. i told her something was wrong into my mind ...
i wento to see my first psychologist. he was stupid and not a good professionist.
My mom didn’t allow me to have privtate counselling so she was always there with me.(in the doctor room)
he didn’t understood what was going on and just told my mom i was having tantrums.
can you believe it?
yes, that’s what he did.
my family believed him of course and things got harder... my mom used to beat me and to insult me, once she split out a vase full of pi on me. Also my father used to yell at me, insult me “Ill kill you, i’m going to hang you under the door”...
He gets so mad that he use to yell and insult my mom as well...everyone at home was terrified...and that because of me...it was my fault...because I didn’t want to go to school or well, i wasn’t able to go to.

Only many many years later i found out those “tantrum” in true was “SCHOOL PHOBIA”.

[rober]

After elementary school it was time for the middle ones...the new school was a mess...bad bad neighbourhood...i was victim of bullyng...I hated school more then ever...
I ended up at home, not going to school anymore.
I hated myself.
according to italian low everyone must complete the middle school....but my anxiety problem were worse then ever and I was terryfied about the idea of living home.
I didn't had money for home tutor, so i had to study at home alone, all by my self, with no help. and at the end of every year I had to take an exam on 10 different subjects (both oral and writing) .
even tough I studied, most of the time i didn’t show up at the exam because I was paralized by my anxiety...
So...let's cut this short..

i got my middle school grade at 17 years old (instead of 13)
and the high school at 22 (instead of 18 )
here it’s not acceptable for a person to do self homeschooling....I don’t know why, but the professors hate you a priori....the exames were exhausting...oral exams lasted 2 hours , just me infront of 10 professors...trying to do everything they can to make me trouble.
I studied so hard....while other teen.agers were having fun I didn’t have friends and I only studied for the final exames.

at the age of 17 things started to get better. I met my actual boyfriend.
i found out on the internet that I had panick attack, and agoraphobia... and i found out I had to expose myself gradually ....so that’s what i did...gradually i self exposured my self to get out of home.
I also took the train and the airplain all by my self...but it wasn’t easy at all..I threw up at the station the first time.... o.O
while I was a teen i used to dream soooo much...i was stuck in the mould and i wanted to fly...
I always dremt about a better life, I wanted to graduate from college, but nobody believed me...they said I was sick and the I only could have done a “simple” job....
I was so obstined...so strongheaded...
in fact i packed my stuff when I was 20 and I moved 300 miles away.
I was admitted to the college and I got a major in Psychology.
at 25 i got drive licence
my life was getting better but still I had several problems...I was obsessed about the idea that something terrible could have happen to my family or my boyfriend.
I had obsessive thoughts.and I felt guilty all the time, for me being happy and my family being not... and I had a lot of separation issues.....
I’m still in touch with my family and I’m still taking care of everybody and always trying to solve their problems
during my last year at the university I had to deal with PTSD...and all the abuses memory suddenly came back to my mind ...it was terrible
But i got over it...
last year i was admitted to one of the most important psychology faculty in Europe...for a master degree
i was so happy and so proud...I loved it...
but now? well....I going through a breaktrough.... I feel hopeless... anxiety is killing me...is slowly eating everything left in me...and i got depressed, I can see no future, i don’t sleep, i barely eat, I hate myself, I feel tired all the time, I don’t want to go anywhere, always at home,in the bed, with no energy....is my life going to be like this for ever? do I have to deal with my obsessive thoughts, guilty, anxiety separation issues for ever?? I’ll be for ever more vulnerable because i went through so many things ....that I can’t change...
i don’t wanna live like this and I don’t have any more strenght to fight.
I feel so alone and I would like someone to take care of me for once....
but maybe i don’t deserve it.
I’m not studying anymore but i have to or I can kiss goodbye my schoolarship which i need to pay university...
Also i need my grades to remain high....but it is impossible for me to concentrate.. I have a lot of pressure on me.....I have to be strong for my family, I have to be strong for my boyfriend ‘cause he’ll be deployed soon and it doesn’t need my problem...
My boyfriend parents are so nosey....they want us to go there all the time and it’s hard for me to fake that i’m ok...
I don’t know what to do...I feel like there is no solution...

I hope you can understand even tough it is full of grammar mistakes...sorry

[Obayan]

Do you have a counselor you talk to? If not, I think one can help you alot in getting things going in the right direction again for you.

[rober]

yes I have and it very helpfull

[GreyBalance]

It sounds like you've been through a lot, and I'm glad things got at least a bit better, and it's wonderful that you're pursuing your degrees and a better life. I understand completely how it's hard, since I'm only in my first year of college and I'm depressed and trying desperately to stay here, since I've been having a hard time keeping with my classes. I've also always had the habit of trying to solve other people's problems and pushing my own away, so I know how hard it is to try to seek help when you feel that you're not worth it and that other people's problems are much more important. However, if we are ever to help others, we need to help ourselves first. I think seeking professional help would really help you deal with your agoraphobia, anxiety, and depression, and I hope it helps you, because no one should feel depressed or worthless. Of course, I do anyways, but yeah... Hang in there, friend