Don't really know how this works . . .

[HannahLucille]

I don't really know how I'm supposed to start this off . . . I guess I'll just tell my life story. I don't really feel comfortable talking about my feelings and such so keep that in mind while I share. I'm only 20 years old but it seems like I have had to deal with more things than most people do throughout their life. I know that there's people who have it way more worse off than I do but I still find it too much.

First of all, my family has always been dsyfunctional. My dad had a bad drinking problem and was always drunk every night. Up until the time I was 17, I had always watched their fights and sometimes it got violent . . . not towards me but I still watched it happen to my mom. My dad would go out and party every night and not pay any attention to me, even though I was his only daughter. Still, he was like controlling and would never let me go anywhere and always wanted to know what I was doing all the time. It's weird 'cuz it always seemed like he had different personalities at times. He was scary and mean and abusive when he was drunk but when he was in a good mood and sober he was really just relaxed and laid-back.

Not only was I dealing with that at the very young age of middle school to some high school years but I was never popular in school. I was always a loner and I only had a few friends. There was one time in which I didn't have any friends at all. It was tough because I had to deal with everything that was going on in my house and I wasn't allowed to tell anyone because my dad said that everything that goes on in our house is our business and no one else's. I've always been sadder than what I probably should be, because of this.

As I got older, the violence and screaming started to cool down (the drinking didn't though). However, on June 3, 2008, my dad got diagonised with cancer and that's when things went for the worse. It was the summer before my senior year of high school and I wanted it to be the best year before I went on to college. But this didn't happen because my dad was constantly in the hospital, getting blood transfusions and surgery and the like. After he had to have a scary emergency brain surgery, things leveled out and stayed steady for a while. I graduated high school in May of 2009 with dreams of moving away from my small town to go to college and become a writer.

However, my life took another unexpected turn on July 4, 2009 when I woke up in the middle of the night to hear my dad weakly calling out for my mom and I. There was smoke everywhere and I ran downstairs and our whole house was in flames. My dad was too sick and weak to even climb the stairs to wake up my mom and I . . . Thankfully, we all made it out safely (including my dog). We lost everything in the fire though. The only items I had left were my car and wallet. There wasn't any insurance on the house because the house was in the process of being remodeled and no companies wanted to cover it. We lived out of a hotel room for three days before moving into a crappy, temporary house that had messed up power and barely any heat. I started to adjust to this new life I had to have.

Once we got into the new house, though, my dad started to get worse and it was clear he was going to die soon. To make matters worse, the fire and my dad's illness was published in newspapers . . . which doesn't really seem like a bad thing but I don't want attention and I didn't want people feeling sorry for me. On July 22 of that same year, my cousin (who had Down Syndrome) died of cancer and then nine days later on the 31st of July, 2009, I woke up my mom telling me that my dad had passed away.

I think that's the main point where I stopped feeling much of anything at all. I used to have a journal where I wrote about EVERYTHING but that's the one thing I can't write about . . . It's just . . . Not something you can describe. I cried myself to sleep every night and several times a day for a long time. I eventually got a very short-term boyfriend who distracted me from the thoughts and feelings that were keeping me from enjoying anything but it didn't last long and he wasn't really able to save me.

I started going to a community college in August 2009 (and am still attending) and it was really hard to adjust to a life that was suddenly thrown at me. I had to deal with not having my dad around, starting my new job at a fast food place, adjusting to college life, and just transitioning into the world of adulthood. My mom and I moved into a decent house in February 2010, but I still have trouble just dealing with everything.

All my mom does is get high and she takes a lot of pills . . . And she's just letting my brother take whatever he wants. My brother didn't come to my dad's funeral or even visit us when my dad passed away. And yet, he's now here in our house, asking for everything and just coming and going as he pleases because my dad is the only one who stopped him before. On the surface, I guess I seem like a normal, well-adjusted 20 year old. I get straight-A's and am on the fast track towards transferring to a positively acclaimed university in the fall. However, I don't feel like there's anything left of me anymore. I just feel like this empty body that walks, talks, and acts like it's supposed to and how other people want it to. I still don't have any close friends . . . maybe one or two. But I don't get to talk to them often. I have trouble eating and sleeping and I'm ALWAYS moody. I lose my temper in an instant because I'm always on edge and can't control my emotions anymore.

I don't really know what to expect from this forum . . . or what I even want really. I don't think I even want anything anymore. I have really low self-esteem and most of the time I don't really think I'm worth anything. I have panic attacks often but I don't tell people about them because I don't want to be put on medication. I've had to deal with drug and alcohol addicts my whole life and the last thing I want to do is have to take pills every day because I can't deal with anything. So, yeah. I don't think there's anything more to say . . . I mean, there probably is but I can't think of anything else and this post has probably gotten too long anyway. So um. I guess I'd like someone to understand me for once . . . but I have doubts that anything will ever make me feel better.

[Obayan]

Hi. I'm so sorry things have been so hard for you. But know that you aren't alone. We are here with you.

We also have a chat room associated with the site if you want to try it out.

[crystalgaze]

(((((((((((( HannahL ))))))))))))))))))