Oh no, what have I done? :(

[Waynec]

I was doing so well.
Having counselling and Mental health therapy. Thinking of getting back to work in some capacity.... then Boom!... Ive set myself right back again :"""(

Let me fill you in. I was dumped in the back end of July for another man, and my world came crashing down when she left me. Ive tried suicide a couple of times, and im still off work. Losing this girl and her kids was the hardest thing ive ever had to deal with. Its left me a broken, exhausted man.
Anyway, my therapist suggested writing a letter to her and burning it as a way of trying to move on. Or the next time she contacts me to tell her how I really feel, and whats been going on for me.
I was going for a clean break,(after months of self denile). So last night the texts and phone calls started from her, and I thought this was the chance. But because of my stupid sensitive, do right by everyone nature, and needed to know she was ok. She said she was angry that I attempted suicide, and do I have any idea what she was going through?. Hearing her voice after all this time has shattered me again, and Ive agreed to see her on monday for a cuppa. I cant help but still love this girl with all that I am, she knows this, but just wants to be friends.
Any advice please, im a total mess again.
Wayne

[stillwaters]

Aw Waynec, I am so sorry for you. Ive told you what I thiink before but maybe youve got to look at it differently. Maybe it was not just the relationship ending that caused your depression. There may have been other underlying issues and the breakup was the tipping point.
Either way you have to look at what whats left of the relationship is doing for you now. To me it appears you are not in a healthy place and while it is chivalrous and admirable to put others first, if you deplete yourself to the point of being sick, you cant help yourself let alone anyone else.
I know you still love her and I do feel your pain (or something very similar) but I still think you should focus on your memories of the good times with her in the past and stay away from her and cut off all contact as of right now.
Remember that saying, if you love something let it go. If it comes back to you it is yours. If it doesnt come back it never was yours.
Maybe you should give yourself a set time period to remain incommunicado. Maybe 3 or 6 months. Who knows?
I wish I had something better for you Waynec but like you said, you were doing so well. I really hope and believe you will again.

[Spicefox]

Please don't see her. Surely you can see you do bette without her around, even though it's hard? For yourself not seeing her is completely the best thing.

Don't let her know what is going on with you if she is going to twist it and make herself the victim. That's what she is doing.

[Waynec]

Thanks for the advice guys.
I took on board what you said Michael, and really thought I was starting to get over her. Being she was my first love, and first heartbreak, (yes im a late starter), it seems like she is my poison. Better off without her, but cant live without her.
Im so so torn with what to do tomorrow, part of me wants to see her to get closure, or something close, and part of me wants her to suffer in the way I have.
But, i suffer with a typical Cancer nature, and just want everything ok. I know she'll never take me back, and thats the hardest thing to admit too.

Jerry Reed said it best, "Aint no pain like that from the opposite sex"

:""(

[stillwaters]

Hey Waynec
You know I think it is a bad idea to meet with her but whatever you choose to do, good luck. I'll be thinking of you.
I like the Jerry Reed reference but I also like what Bob Marley says
"Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery;
None but ourselves can free our minds"

And if you need some real hurting music, check out Jerry Jeff Walkers "I feel like Hank Williams tonight"
Take Care Waynec

[Waynec]

Good call on the Jerry Walker track. One of my fav tracks with some great slide guitar in the live version.

I like the Bob Marley quote also, he had a few insightful quotes that ive read up on of late ( One of them is my current facebook status ).

Im leaning towards cancelling tomorrow, but I know she'll spit the dummy out with me, and I cant bare that. For all that she hurt me beyond words, I cant have her angry with me. I know thats wrong, and I know its sad, but its how I feel. Im not sure, if in my crazy mixed up mind, im hoping she'll come back to me if I go and see her.

Thank you.

[stillwaters]

hey Waynec
I have never heard that term," spit the dummy out with me" so I am not 100% sure of your meaning.
I am sure you want her back, or at least you want to go back to when things were good between you, in your mind. That is understandable as everyone should prefer happiness to sadness. Unless you are becoming an emotional masochist. I only mention it because I was accused of it after pinning for my highschool sweetheart for a couple of years after she broke up with me. Even when I was with other girls. For what its worth, I did get over it.

[Waynec]

Ah right, It means getting upset like a child. Its a great euthanisim, Like "Throw a wobbler!, "Chucking the toys out the pram!.

Truthfully, I really dont know what I want. She, in a way was my high school sweetheart also. Pined for her for 18+ years, and finally got her, thought my dreams were coming true.

I know Ill get over her, eventually. Its just, well, you know, when its torn away in such a short time, it feels like its got a long ways to go. I dont know, this has been hell. I really wouldnt wish it on anyone.

Are you happy with someone else now Michael?

[stillwaters]

Hi Waynec
Great expressions.
Yes heartache sucks. Not a great expression but fairly succinct.
I have been with my commonlaw spouse now for 23 years. I have 4 adult stepchildren and 8 grandchildren. I am 55 and she is 72. You never know where love will show up my friend. When we first got together we had been co-workers and very good friends for 3 years. When it became a romance we thought it was a fling and would go away but the chemistry was right and we are still together but not without a lot of work because of the age difference. As you know, Love does not conquer all, on its own.
If you check my original new member introduction you will see that a medical situation my wife had, along with the loss of my father and suicide by a close friend all in 08/09 was the cause of my depression and ptsd.
I am happy with our relationship but my wife would be happier if I did not have this illness as she has trouble understanding why I cant get motivated, go outside, go to work. I know it is difficult for her and for anyone who has not experienced it.

[Waynec]

Ow :""""""""(

Went to see her. was going to have my say didnt get the chance ( she is a chatterbox ) Am home now crying so hard. my chest hurts. she is so happy. its not fair. when do I get my happyness. when. im home alone in this empty house.
its over. i cant live without her. i tried. i stayed positive at hers. but its not fair.
i hate myself
:""""""""""""""(

[Spicefox]

I'm sorry it happened like that Wayne, but hopefully it tells you she is not someone worth putting your time into

You can pick yourself up and move on with this, its at times like that I think of Batman:

"Why do we fall, sir? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up."

I adore that quote so much I want to get a tattoo of the batman symbol as a reminder. You can come on from this and you don't need the likes of her to help you through that.

[Waynec]

Thank you for your reply Beth.

I understand what you are saying. But Im man enough to stand up and say I Love Her with all my heart, soul and being. My heart belongs to her, no one else. Ill wait for her, as long as it takes. She is my destiny, my lobster, my only one, the true love of my life.

I love Batman also, I identify with him as a person, and as a Hero.

How are you doing Beth?

[Spicefox]

I can identify with that. I just will never have the person I would choose to wait for

Bad day. Manager was made redundant (she's understanding about time off) and I didn't get a second interview

How about you?

[Waynec]

I know Ill never have her again, she has said as much. But, I wouldnt be true to my heart if I try to move on and love again.

Sorry to hear that Beth. Why was she made redundant?

Ive spent most of the day crying and sleeping. Wish I didnt go to see my ex, and what would have been my stepdaughter.

[Spicefox]

yeah, but you cant hold out for her all of your life, that wont ever help you. and you are the most important person

the company is crap money

whats done is done - now you just have to keep building your road to your next destination and you will get there. its just hard work. tbh, i wish i could spend a day crying i just feel like i have no reason to. <3