I hope he doesnt come back (triggering material)

[xn728]

i was seven at the time roughly when the visitor arrived when this took place. I heard the motorbike reving up behind the shops near my home ,so i went to look at the fence ,i could see a man with a beard ,messing with the bike ,he would ride them up and down ,he would glance at me now and then as he went by ,i loved bikes ,i went in the shop and bought a mars bar ,wwoow the guy with the bikes was serving me behind the counter ,do you like bikes he asked ,i nodded ,well next time you see me come around and have a look ,again i nodded ,and skipped home ,
the bike guy hand spoke to me ,cool ,next day i heard the bikes and went
round to the back of the shop ,i stood away a little ,he noticed me stood there and came over to me ,put his hand on my shoulder and ushered me to his big shed ,he had many bikes ,and bits all over ,during the coming days he would have me cleaning parts and show me how things worked ,i
never said much ,but he did not seem to mind .it was great i was an hells angel ,one day i was needing a pee and got up to go home ,were you going he asked ,toilet i said ,here you go ,took me to a small outhouse
with a toilet ,i wouldnt go in ,theres no light i said ,he flicked on the light and i went in ,i left the door unlocked ,i have a morbid fear of dark small spaces ,i was just starting to relieve myself ,the door clicked shut as the light went out ,i went crazy pissed allover mysef ,screaming ,kiicking ,the door crying for my mother ,he entered as the light went on ,the door held shut behind him ,sshhh,sshhh he said ,be quiet ,if you make a niose i,ll turn out the light ,he touched me in my private place ,were only i had ever touched ,as he did things to he told me if i told anyone he would shut me in here and turn out the light and no one would hear ,and if i did not come back he would come and find me ,and tell the police i had stolen sweets from the shop ,each time i went round he would take his pleasure with me
i was young ,frightend ,i still loved the bikes ,i didnt know what he was doing or how it wasnt supposed to be this way ,,weeks passed and one day ,he pushed me over a bike saddle and he ,well he raped me ,,it hurt so much i cryed ,he offered me sweets ,told me he would take me out riding ,i knew this was very wrong and was very confused,i didnt want to go back but fear made me ,the next day i went round all was quiet and the bike shed locked ,days went by nothing after a few weeks i knew he had gone ,i know now ,he probably had reliesed he had committed a great atrossity and had made good his escape ,i was and still am afraid of small spaces i can still feel him touching me and smell his grubby little oily hands ,and the bikes i hear often ,its taken a great deal of courage to write this,i still wonder if hell come back ,maybe the visitor will bring him to me ,this is the second big event in my life ,you know about the fire
now this ,and the third ,well i dont know ,but if you cant understand why im the way i am now then you never will ,i was born to suffer ,this thing i have never told anyone it could only be done here ,i could not face anyone with this
maybe i am just a dirty little boy ,,,,,,,,,,,ken

[AndreaCoe]

i hope he dosnt either i may never have gotten sexually harassed and i have no right to say i know how you feel but in a way i know how you feel to be hurt by someone and i know its hard to cope with but as time rolls the past drifts further and further away and i hope one day it drifts out on the sea and the man gets the karma he most certainly deserves. :]

Keep roll'n on

[lisalou]

that is so awful ken, i do feel now like i have more of an idea of the horrible pain you have been carrying around with you, let the shame go, the crime is his not yours,i bet you were a great little boy and how dare that pervert abuse that

love always, your sister lisa x

[crybaby1086]

((((Ken)))) You are such a nice person, you do not deserve to have anything bad happen to you ever. I can't even imagine the pain you must have gone through and in a time when such things weren't talked about. It is a terriable injustice that the thing that did that to you wasn't made to pay and you never got the help you needed as a little boy. You are so special you deserve only the best. Thinking of you. Robyn

[Mich]

It was very brave of you to share that with us. I am so so sorry you had to endure this awful abuse. I know the pain from that is very deep. That man was a horrible man who did atrocious things to you. You were not a dirty little boy. You were a sweet innocent child who was terribly violated. I am so so sorry.

[shatteredhopes]

Rape and abuse hurt, emotionally as well as physically, and the mental scars remain long after the body has healed. You are not alone my dear friend, my brother, and sadly too many of us suffer permanent mental pain from something that happened in childhood. It must have been hard to share those extremely painful memories, and I appreciate that you openned up with us, your on-line family. Is there any possible way, now that you have had the courage to open up about how you were violated, you could share this with your doctor?

Creeps like that are the sick ones, it is so sad that we have to carry the mental and emotional wounds of their sickness. You were an innocent child, and forever changed by this abuse. You do deserve healing, (((((((((((((Ken))))))))))))), you absolutely do, whether you believe it or not. I think all of us here deserve it. You are so kind to all of us and supportive, and there for your family and ferrets and work...you ARE a good, decent man, a wonderful human being, who is not a bad human, but a HURT human...

Sending brotherly love and thoughts of peace your way...

[xn728]

shatteredhopes ,i hope your well ,i cant tell this to anyone ,im frightened
that i put it on here ,there would be no point in telling anyone ,i just get lip servise from my phychiarist now ,i no hes given up on me to ,im alone
in this world ,nothing new dont worry ,im hanging on to the forum for dear life just now ,i thought posting this would make me feel better but i feel worse ,ive pushed someone away who was a dear freind ,i dont know whats happening anymore ,i just want to see everyone safe ,im just really not bothered about me anymore ,so catch you later my dear freind
and stay safe ,no harming or stuff like that please ,,,,,,,ken

[xn728]

it was about 3 years after this i started lighting fires ,the first were small
dustbins and stuff,then it was the bike shed ,and some other outbuildings that were his ,then i started stealing from the shop ,sweets and stuff
was pretty good at it to ,got caught in the end ,it was his fathers shop ,he did call the police ,and i was given a dressing down in front of my parents and that bikers dad ,looking at me like i was scum ,if he only knew what his son had done to me ,it would affect my life forever ,ive been a bad kid
but i could never treat anyone like that ever ,,,,,,,ken ,,,,xn728 work now
i really shold not have to do this the way i feel ,im in the depths of dispair
and i cant really see me getting out ,maybe this is it ,and i have to evolve yet again ,,,stay safe my dear freinds ,walk with me and i will steady you
if you falter ,

[DeepEyes]

Dear ken, even though i only discovered this forum in the last 24 hours (though i have been searching for something such as this for years) the fact that you and other people who understood actually acknowledged me put a smile on my face, and i havent smiled in days, i just wanted to say that this story really really touched me, and i was amazed that you were strong enough to tell people, i can tell you are a very very tough person and that what you have gone through i would not be strong enough to endure, i hope and pray for you my friend and that soon the clouds will part, and you will stand above it all, as you said earlier to me that in a strange way this is a gift, depression always seems to fall on the most beautiful and loving of souls, i dont know why, but now i know of this forum any free time i have i will try my hardest to be a friend or just someone to listen to you or anyone who is in need of one, sweet dreams my friend xxx be strong

[bradleyg]

It takes alot of bravery to share your experiences and thoughts with anyone, and all of us can learn and grow through each other here.
You are not to blame for anything bad that happened to you- even the mistakes you made are no more than being human, and given what you've been through, noone can judge you for that.
What I can and will judge you by is the person who you have presented here- Thoughtful, open, polite and well spoken. These are the qualities I think of when I read your posts.
Stay in there. Of course it's easy for others to say that, and there is no quick or easy answers or processes- but you have to try, try, try, even after everytime you fail- to think of yourself the way we think about you, and the way those that legitimatly love you in your own life feel about you.
You mention you are seeing a psyciatrist, which can be a good idea, buy you mention that you don't feel that it is effective. Perhaps trying a new therapist, a discussion group, etc. might help? I had to go through 3 therapists before I found one that really 'got' me and made me feel like they cared and could offer me the support I needed.

If you ever need anyone to talk to, we are here on the forums and feel free to pm most any of us- we are all in this together, and we all can grow, heal and develop together.

[xn728]

talking is something ,i dont have the privilage of doing ,not on the outside
in here i can bleed freely ,but not without the guilt of laying it before my freinds ,the reason i dont talk about the ,things i think ,and see is ,i think my doctor ,would lock me away ,sectoin me under the mental health act
and how would fran manage ,you see everything holds fear for me ,im trapped,ive put my warrior avitar ,back on my post ,i will look to him for help ,he looks strong and fearless ,im trying to be him again ,even though
im at the edge ,i am still ,trying to rise up ,,,,,,i have you all in my mind
and you give me strentgh ,,,thankyou ,,,,ken