Fought a lot now I’m too tired

[tiredgrl]

I’m a 24yo woman. I just moved across the country about 10 months ago. I’ve been really lonely ever since, and before really. I’ve dealt with severe chronic depression since I was about 12 or so. Here’s a little about my story.

(*trigger warning: sexual violence)

The summer after my freshman year of college I was raped by an acquaintance. I lived in deep denial of this having happened for a couple of years before telling my partner. By the time I got help for it my PTSD was very severe. My body was constantly shaking and I couldn’t breathe normally. I was also dealing with pretty deep body image issues at the time and constantly hating myself. I went through phases of obsessive working out and nearly starving myself. (Now I refuse anything resembling a diet.) They put me on meds because I was suicidal and I’ve been on various meds ever since with none ever helping. It took years of therapy and self-care to get to where I am now, but I am so tired. I know my depression is chronic and it will always return to me. Every time it feels like I barely make it out. I just want to rest. I wish I could be happy.

All this trauma (and years of being bullied when I was younger) has forced me to create a separation from other as a survival strategy. Now I feel I can’t make friendships. I keep everyone at a distance and have been doing it for years. My depression tells me no one wants to be around someone as miserable as myself.

Back to just having moved across the country: me and my partner (now fiancé) are under a TON of stress. Finding jobs has been very difficult for me. I have a bad back and can’t do any lifting or repetitive motions. I am working very part-time teaching. Soon I will also be walking dogs and house-sitting. We are both artists. My partner is in a masters program, which is why we moved in the first place. We are absolutely broke. We have covered maybe 1/3 of our bills ourselves, the rest has all been borrowed mostly from my parents. This has put my relationship with them in a strenuous place. My partner and I have been growing apart. We no longer discuss important things. I’m devastated. Meanwhile, we have been planning our wedding for the past 6-7 mos. I’m planning on getting us into couples counseling.
Being this broke means eating less, which always worsens my depression. I hate myself. All the work I did in college feels useless. I’m so freaking tired. I don’t want to ask for more money. I have no choice right now. I feel useless. I know I would rather die than keep going any longer. Humanity is a bleak and ugly place anyway. Idk what I’m fighting so hard for. I feel I have no purpose or direction anymore. I used to be driven, I started an anti-gender based violence club in college. I graduated magna cum laude despite wanting to die half the time. now I feel I could lay down in the road and wait for it to be over.

Idk why I’m making this post. It just feels good to get it out.

[j2415]

Hello- Congratulations for receiving a Magna Cum laude award. It’s a huge accomplishment.

Thank you for sharing your feelings here in the forum. I hope you can get the support you need to get better. I’m very sorry you’ve been through a lot.
I want to encourage you to join a support group that you can meet in person, it will help you not to feel alone and less lonely. My life group is a big help for me especially when I am going through a tough time. I feel stronger when I am surrounded by people who pray with me and encourages me. Try to connect with your local church or community for some support groups available.

I pray that things will go well with you. I hope to hear from you again. Keep us posted. God bless.

[APOR2017]

I am so sorry that you are going through this and feeling this way. I have been through something very similar and I understand the damage it can have on your self-esteem and mind. It is a day by day thing and it adds a whole new avenue to explore in a relationship. I am married now and we both moved for work right before our wedding. He knew about the abuse but I never considered the issues it would bring when we were married. It took about a year of behavior that even I did not expect from myself. We did a lot of praying and a lot of trusting in God to bring us through. I can honestly say that has made us stronger than I could have ever imagined us to be. There are still times and moments that it effects but not like it used to. I am here if you need to talk and I am praying for you and your fiancé. Big hugs!!