What’s next?

[Ryan1995]

I’m in a dark place. Not at the point where I feel I want to take my own life, but I’m deep. This isn’t the first time I’ve been here. I guess it’s true what they say, even the strongest of men can end up here. Then again, being labelled as the “strongest” is surely a subjective opinion. Am I strong? Am I weak?

As days go on, hours, minutes and even seconds I’m beginning to feel weaker and weaker. I cry myself to sleep most nights because I can’t bare to think about things anymore. The pain and the suffering from my past, from certain individuals and events, or even things that are out of my control; they all add up. I truly do believe that everything happens for a reason, and sometimes it isn’t fair, but there’s only so many times you’re able to pick yourself back up before you can’t do it anymore. You might question “Why can’t I?” You’d say that there are people out there far worse than me. I have a roof over my head, I’m able to eat and shower, I have a loving family. Which is a sufficient analysis...if you were to observe it from an outsiders perspective. Which is all you are; an outsider. I only allow you to see what I choose to, that doesn’t mean there aren’t other things going on. Only I myself know what goes on in my head, the mental battles and the mental strain I have to deal with day in and day out. Yes, granted I’m not the only one to feel this way, but I am well within my right to be selfish and not care about other people and their problems.

You may see my problems as small, that doesn’t necessarily mean that they are. To me, they’re huge. To me I feel the weight of all the pain, the upset, the hurt and the struggle on a daily basis. I try to do things to take my mind off of it, workout, work, take up new hobbies, socialise or even just lay down and relax. Nothing works. I’m now at the stage where I don’t want to see people anymore because I feel like I’m just going to be a burden because I’m unable to enjoy myself. I no longer have energy left in me to do the simplest of things like wanting to get out of bed or wanting to shower. I am both physically and mentally drained.

Now I know some may say “Go and see somebody, talk to somebody, it’ll help”. Again, that’s easier said than done. My mind is stuck between the fact I don’t want to be pressured into taking an artificial pill to give me a false sense of happiness. I want to feel true happiness, like I used to. I’m not prepared to be stuck in a vicious loop where I need to remember to take my pill so I can be happy for the day. To me, that’s just defeating the whole purpose of what I’m trying to achieve. It’s as if I’m again delaying the inevitable, which is falling back into the hole of being unhappy if I don’t take the tablet. I would quite confidentially say I’m a false person. I lead people to believe that I’m happy. I say and do things to make them happy. I have them believe that all is fine and dandy in my life and I’m this supposed ray of sunshine and positivity when in reality I’m not. Perhaps I’m to blame for the way I am, if I were true to myself and I didn’t act as though I’m somebody I’m not maybe then that’d help? I mean, I choose to hide how I truly feel, does that make me weak? I can’t even be true to myself. Where do I go from here? What do I do next?

This will seem pointless and dull to a lot of people, which I understand, I guess I just need to let something out.

[derkderk]

I just read everything you wrote. I don't know if my thoughts are of use to you, but I'll try.

I've gone through the very difficult understanding of who "I" am and the person or "performance" I make while in public. Kind of like a famous person known for one character in a movie or TV. They would put on that mask for fans, but they're someone else in private.
When I'm among friends/family members who know of my problems, I socialize by "rounding off the edges" of the topic of my hurt. Once I built enough confidence in myself through observations and trust in logical and wise thinking.

That might have sounded like I'm super on top of things. If so, just know I'm totally the same boat you seem to be in. Dying, to me, is a wishful idea that I struggle to make feel like a bad idea.

Anyway... I've found that the majority of people are not selfless enough to try and help, understand, or sympathies with someone they don't understand. If we were to have problems with filing taxes, or have a butt-head boss we'd get more attention. The reason this forum is here is due to difficulties in sharing our stories/issues. For many years I'd write poems, mini-essays when I'm at my worse. I now come on here to reply to posts.

I feel that the pain I go through requires a "boot camp" like frame of mind. It can hit me as hard as it wants, but I refuse to have it change who I know I am.

Sorry if this was too lengthy to read. I hope you find ways to help you cope.

[past]

Well, i think at a certain point we are all entitled to selfishness when we hurt. One thing i could not agree more with is being entitled to true happiness. Trying to be happy has never brought me anything but more pain. When you have been happy, and not because you were trying to be, thats all you want. I wish i had a solution, it is a very common theme unfortunatly because almost everyone can relate but noone has a real cure. I doubt this was helpfull but im sorry you hurt. The one thing i would suggest is trying to understand you problems. It might not feel better but it can help you going forward.

[Starbuck]

I think Jim Carrey was spot on when he said: "depression is your avatar telling you it's tired of being the character you're trying to play". Maybe you need a time out from this happy persona you've created, and just try to figure out who you are and what you want from life.

[Spleefy]

None of us here will see your problems as trivial or small. Depression distorts our thinking and outlook. As such, putting things into perspective while depressed is excruciatingly difficult. In my case, I could only accomplish this when the depression lifted.

Although they meant well, I’ve had people compare my life to those less fortunate. For example, my father once told me, “I have been through a worse life than you ever have or will be. So if anyone should be depressed, it should be me!”.

All this did was make me feel guilty for being depressed.

A friend’s father (again, he meant well) compared our (me and his son) situation with those living during the war. He showed us photos of people being executed or famished.

Again, all this did was make me feel guilty for being depressed. I felt like that I had no right to be depressed and, yet, I couldn’t help but be depressed. Talk about infuriating.

The problem is, my biochemistry was completely out of whack, so it was impossible to feel good, no matter how much I put things into perspective or compared my life to other people less fortunate.

I feel much the same way as you about antidepressants. I think they serve a purpose, but drug therapy should not be an exclusive or even a primary treatment. Depression is not a Prozac deficiency, thus a more active approach is necessary.

What is your typical diet like? Have you thought about making some dietary adjustments? The body needs the raw materials to synthesize neurotransmitters and to ensure the body maintains them in balanced amounts.

Don’t assume that your experience and feelings are “pointless and dull to a lot of people.” It’s great you got all that off your chest and talked about your experiences. There are people here that will find your story valuable.